My Dad expects me to help him at his work during the summer holidays

[alwaysonreply]

I am in my mid 20's and I am a supply teacher who lives at home with my parents. My Dad is very insistent on the fact that the school holidays for me are not holidays but that I am unemployed because I do not paid in the holidays, my Dad is self employed and runs a business and has told me he expects me to help him out free of charge during the holidays some days because I am now unemployed until September.

I want to make clear that I pay rent to my parents and can afford to pay the same amount of rent during the periods when I am not working and getting paid?

I suspect I have ASD and part of my problem is I hate confrontation and I am not very good confident at putting my views across especially like someone like my Dad who I love and he has many good qualities but he always thinks his opinion is right and everyone else is wrong.

What I am worried about is whether I am being a bit mean in feeling reluctant o do what my Dad has informed of his plan and I worry dude to my fear of confrontation I will just along with what he wants me to do so I keep him happy. My Dad is good at putting his views across inn a good way, he claims that because I am single and have no kids, that I will be very bored during the summer holidays and it will give me something to focus on and it will only be a couple of days a week still giving me plenty of time to chill out. However it feels like he is telling me what do and controlling my life when I am an adult. Do you think that's correct?

Durdledore · Today 16:11
Your dad can fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck

But he won't because OP is living in his house. She needs to find other accomodation.

My late darling dad had his own business and, if I'd been on supply, he would have suggested the same thing but he would have definitely paid me for working for him. Are you sure your dad is expecting you to work free of charge, as that is very unreasonable of him? We all had holiday jobs at "the office" when we were at college etc but not when working full time and only getting a couple of weeks off during the summer etc. When I met dh he was a newly qualified teacher and started off doing supply, he wasn't getting work every day at first so the days he was unemployed and during the holidays, my dad gave him paid work at the office. If you still pay board/rent during the holidays, there's no way he should expect you to work for free.

“my Dad is self employed and runs a business and has told me he expects me to help him out free of charge”

I think this is weirdly controlling. However I'd be considering if they subsidise your rent and bills in general then they probably feel like they are owed some help in return. If you pay a fair market rent and share of all bills then I don't see how he can expect anything (and you may as well move out to live with housemates or by yourself from people who don't dictate how you spend your downtime).

Even when I was a teenager or at university, I got paid when I worked at my parent’s business. It was minimum wage, but I still got paid.

I think if you live with your parents, it is reasonable for them to expect you to help them out and live as a household. When I lived at home, I helped out with the family business (for free and being paid never crossed my mind) Full time would be a bit OTT but 2 days a week doesn't seem like a big deal.

I don't really buy into this idea that adult children get to pay peppercorn rent and have total independence when living with their parents.

Don't like your parents' rules, move out.

I can't believe that you are a teacher so presumably fairly well educated and have to ask this. What will happen if you say no. Will he chuck you out?

A one off bit of help with something is one thing, but 2 days a week is being an employee. Point out that, legally, if you work for him he has to pay you nmw. Offer to help him submit the rti return to show you as an employee so everything is above board. If he's really offering work because be things you'll be bored/need the income then he should be OK with that.

If it's about you having money can you claim universal credit to cover the holidays while you have no work, or advertise tutoring.

You could say "Thanks for the offer, Dad, but I'd rather find some paid employment for the summer."

Although tbh I'd help him out if he needs help, a couple of days a week is not much and I expect your rent is nowhere near market rate?

You need to move out.

I wonder if you need to have an honest conversation with your parents about this. If you are lounging around the house not doing much for two months then yes, that would be very annoying as a parent so I can understand why your dad might want to impose some structure on you.

Is there a reason that you are a supply teacher and not in a full-time contract? Do your parents perhaps think you are lacking ambition and independence?

"My Dad is very insistent on the fact that the school holidays for me are not holidays but that I am unemployed because I do not get paid in the holidays"

If he's not planning to pay you either then what's the difference?

How much money are you paying to your parents each week?

Maybe you're not covering your costs adequately and he's feeling annoyed that you get your arse around for 6 weeks whilst he's still working his butt off?

This. And then do a bit of tutoring.

Apologies, I missed the "free of charge" bit.

No wages, no work.

The slave trade ended long ago.

Do you benefit from the business? Will you inherit anything from it? Do you have siblings working in the business?

It's not all cut and dried when it comes to a family business.

I agree with everyone else - with just one exception. If you are paying below market rate and not helping around the house, then yes, your Dad is fair enough to be asking for help.

But if you share the housework load and pay your way, your dad can jog on.

This ^
try this one first. Ask him this and wait for his answer.
Where is your mum in this dispute?

He has no right to dictate what you do with your time off work. You wouldn’t be telling him what he can or cannot do on his days off and the same applies the other way round.

Are you paying market rent or are they subsidising you?

I would feel a bit of a twat watching my dad go off to work every day to pay the household bills while I paid 50p a week and lay about for 13 weeks a year. On the other hand if my adult child was paying market rent then I wouldn’t expect them to help me out for free. We do have a family business - everyone pitches in but everyone is also financially dependent on it (my oldest 2 are uni age and are “topped up” to max loan by me). Everyone gets paid for the hours they do. They help out when the work needs doing, such as covering other staff holidays or sickness, or because there is extra work to do. Not because I think they will be bored.

The dynamic doesn’t sound particularly healthy - often our parents are the last people we have an adult relationship with and it very much sounds like you are stuck in a young teen/authoritative parent place - possibly that is his fault but equally if you are acting like a younger person (being on “summer holiday”, not being able to put your point across, not realising that not liking confrontation is not something specific to you) then you are contributing to the dynamic. Maybe moving out would benefit your relationship.

I think it's probably this. My youngest DS works PT, he has "enough" money because only pays a token amount of keep, and he works PT because of some MH issues.

I'm happy for him to live a fairly relaxed life for now, while he recovers, but equally having him sitting around all day while I'm slogging to keep a roof over his head is not good for either of us. If he was using the time to do something beneficial, I'd feel differently, but as it is I find him jobs to do, mainly for his own wellbeing.

Also I question whether OP is a teacher or works in school in another role. Teachers do get paid for the holidays, it's support staff who don't.

I think this is controlling. Is he offering to pay you? I would say that the holidays are your annual holiday and as a teacher you need that time to decompress. Suggest that you might be able to help him out on mutually agreed dates but he can't take it for granted. Are you in a position to move out and live independently soon?

You are paid for the holidays and if you still cover your rent it is none of his business what you do with your time off. Sounds like he is having difficulty transitioning from parent child relationship to an adult relationship. If you have ASD does he understand how situations like this can cause you anxiety?

So he expects you never to take any time off work? ever?

Teaching does sound rather stressful and like everyone else you need to take holidays from work every year.

So maybe compromise and make it clear you will be having 3 weeks off holiday to recharge and then you can help with with his business after that although you expect to be paid at least minimum wage.

In the long term you need to move out and be independent.

It's your six week summer holiday - aren't you planning to do something with it other than mill around at your parents?

You've got no big responsibilities - go travel somewhere cheaply for the summer. Cheap flight to somewhere off the beaten track in Spain, hostels and bus travel to get around.

And move out when you get home. Move into a flatshare with other people of a similar age.

Time to move out, OP. He surely cannot think that he has this kind of call on your time?