My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

I’m not surprised that there aren’t intimate work emails….those can really come back to bite all parties involved! Personal texts are much “safer” from that standpoint.

What’s really disappointing is that he deleted the car order evidence, looked you straight in the eye, and lied to you. Even after you agreed “no more lies”. I’m not sure how to move on from that—when someone promises no more lies, but does it again.

Thank you, know you’re right. I just wish he’d told me the truth. I think I knew when he said it, I just hoped it was true because I thought we’d turned a corner and as much as I’m angry I don’t really want our marriage to be over. But he’s just a lying twat.

You’re quite right about the emails but the texts are on their work phones and they weren’t particularly careful there so I thought something might have slipped through. I did also want to check for restaurant reservations etc. Dh always uses his work email for those and I’d already checked his private so knew there was nothing in there.

Agreed!

Thank you this is very true. Now I’ve seen the messages again I do believe that nothing had happened but I’m also very aware that it was only a matter of time. He’s behaved abominably and is still lying. The absolute fucker.

I can’t bear the thought of everyone knowing and feeling sorry for me. Of course you are probably right. The colleague she dropped at our house must have had thoughts about the car. Thank you for your comments.

Funnily enough the texts in the deleted file start from April. The previous ones must be lost now. I haven’t checked deleted photos or apps but I have accessed his email. I will try to get the phone again tomorrow. Thank you.

Unfortunately o think I will be the same. I just can’t trust him, particularly as I have caught him lying again.

Thank you for sharing your story, it’s given me hope. I’m glad you’re happy now.

Thank you so much. I hope I can be as brave as you.

I’m trying not to make any rash decisions while everything is still so raw and it’s so hard to let go of what was truly a happy marriage. But I know deep down what I have to do. The trust has gone and it isn’t coming back. My peace of mind is more important.

Another toaster who threw it all away for nothing. I’m sorry you went through that. Thank you for your advice and I hope you manage to improve your situation soon.

I will be aware of this but I honestly can’t see him deliberately hurting them. He may not have been the best husband at times but he has always been - and still is - a devoted dad.

Thank you for checking in. I’m doing ok. Still dealing with all the emotions but I no longer feel like I have been kicked in the stomach and I’m functioning. I even went to the gym this morning and had a nice day with the kids. If only dh would stop lying, although I blame myself for listening to it.

Thank you, I will bear that in mind.

Until all this I never thought dh was particularly bothered about money, but seeing how he bragged to her about his cars and what he was doing has been eye opening. Sadly she lapped it up too, flattering his ego.

Hi @PleaseVipersHelpMe I’m glad you are working through what you want to do. With regard to the car order, is it definitely a car she ordered for herself or is she someone that orders vehicles generally? Can you do something like say ‘did you notice in the messages that the password was sent? I’m sure you won’t mind me looking at emails over the last couple of months just to get everything in the open and then I might be able to move on’ and then doing that there and then in front of him so you can say “hang on there’s a car order from OW here, thought you said there wouldn’t be” and see what he says to that when put on the spot? Not trying to say he is not guilty but as you have both gone through things in detail you might as well be as forensic with this last bit. Then think about what you’re going to do.

so, he is trickle truthing? Unfortunately to be expected, as per my previous post about cognitive dissonance. From what you’ve found it does seem like nothing physical has happened yet but him ordering her a car is definitely in the “I want into your pants” territory (IF I fact he did order it? Did she order it for her or someone else? does she need a car for her job?)

If he ordered it and lied it’s because he’s already justified it to himself. It sounds like he’s been playing the game and justifying this shit to himself (it’s JUST a flirtation, only a few text and calls. I haven’t actually DONE anything) Horseshit of course and utterly utterly unacceptable, as he is now discovering. If he’s lying, it’s because he hasn’t yet dismantled the lies he told himself. Trying to “buy her” with a car says he is a sad bastard and also says a lot about her but he is trying to avoid facing those very unpalatable facts.
I would confront him with it. Send yourself the email, then ask him again about the car. When he lies again, which he will, show him the email. Whatever you decide to do, for me, he needs to be shown, very clearly, that he cannot get away with lying. He was “brave” enough to risk doing it so now he needs to be brave enough to be honest. He needs to find his balls and tell the truth.

oh and @Ponoka7 i don’t think this has anything to do with “patriarchy”. Man or woman, you fuck about with your married boss at work and you run the very real risk of loosing your job. Tough shit, it’s called consequences.

Thank you for your advice. She doesn’t usually place the car orders, no. Someone in her role would not usually have a company car. And it is definitely a car for her. Last night when I was spiralling I did a lot of googling on how to make your dh tell the truth and it involved not being confrontational, asking very direct questions and allowing him to answer without jumping in to question or contradict. Our conversations thus far haven’t been like that, obviously, so I spoke with dh this morning with all this in mind.

I very calmly sat him down and said that I know that he doesn’t want to hurt me any further, but at this stage keeping things from me is more of a betrayal than the emotional affair. I didn’t tell him that I’d looked through his emails and sent the evidence to myself (being sensible enough to remove all trace, or course) but instead askec if I could please have one last look through the texts with him and ask questions. He agreed and when I got to the comment about the car I said please don’t lie to me about this, I know you are trying to save my feelings but if we are to move on I need to know. Were you getting her a car? He immediately broke down and confessed. He apologised and said he had backed himself into a bit of a corner with it. She’s had issues with her car for ages (I know this to be true) and had asked if he could help by recommending a lease company etc and eventually this was the outcome with the flashier car being a 2 week loan while hers is in the garage.

I feel slightly better that he fessed up on his own (eventually) but I wish it hadn’t taken so much. He’s still insisting there was no attraction, it was just to prove he could. He still isn’t aware that I have access to his emails and he’s so bloody naive with all of this. She has access to his emails too and I mentioned being upset that she will know where we are on holiday from reading booking info etc. He said ‘Oh no, she rarely looks at them these days unless I ask her to do something. Besides I can see if she’s read them and they are all still blue.’ And proceeded to show me his unread emails. I didn’t have the heart to tell him about mark as unread!!

I’ve read all your posts and I’m so sorry for the devastation this is causing you, being made even worse because you are on holiday with your kids and have to hold most of it in, which must be torture.
I just wanted to highlight some of the things you have said that I’m my opinion mean that you will absolutely not be able to continue in the marriage with him.

“Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life.”

“He told me I was being ridiculous and jealous and possessive. That she’s integral to the business and deserved it.”

“He denied and denied and said that I didn’t understand the context”

“He was the one telling her all the things he used to say to me. Some that he hadn’t said to me for a long time. I don’t want to be even more outing by repeating the worst text but it hurt more than I can say.”

This last comment of yours is the most devastating I think. How can he possibly try to tell you that she ‘meant nothing’ to him, when he said those things to her. And that’s without any of us knowing what was in that ‘worst text’ that hurt you so much.
I really, really don’t think you can trust a word he says, and when he cries to you, just replay the things he said to her in your mind and I think that will clear your head as to whether those tears are for your hurt and devastation, or his self pity that he got caught.

I don't know OP. Even if he is telling the truth about not being attracted to her and/or that he wouldn't have gone through with a physical affair (horseshit, but for argument's sake,) what he is saying is that he was doing this to prove that he could have her? That still means he sees this woman, her body and her feelings (and potentially now costing her her job,) as something to use for his own satisfaction. That is still really gross. Not to mention that he also sees his marriage as something worth putting on the line for that end. He's prepared to use intimate words he used for you to get his ego stroked. And probably his dick, let's be honest.

I think its really concerning that he did it to prove a point to himself and stroke his own ego. If my partner admitted this, I would be furious and wondering if I could trust him again.

Relationships go through highs and lows and if his reaction to the lows is to seek gratification from other women (whether he's sleeping with them or not), I would be very concerned that this would escalate over time and he will pish boundaries in the future. He doesn't respect the marriage any longer. There isn't really any excuse other than his own poor judgement and character.

During the lows, he should be trying even harder with you and focusing on improving your marriage. If he isn't, he should be walking away from you instead of causing you hurt and confusion. Its incredibly selfish.

You have given him chances to tell the truth, but he still keeps drip feeding and withholding information. This shows he has the capacity to lie, even when the stakes are high. If he cant even admit to the car, he wont admit to sleeping with another woman etc.

All the sneaking around, checking his accounts, phone etc is also not good for your own mental health. It is going to drive you insane over time. It shows that you still dont trust him and I fear this will linger.

He has badly broken your trust, and if it was me I dont think I could forgive that too soon.

Would you be open to a bit of time apart, e.g. a trial separation for a few months, to see if anything can be repaired? You would still see each other maybe once per week for a date, but it puts some distance between you while you think about what to do?

@PleaseVipersHelpMe you are doing really well with all this (not meant to sound patronising) honestly well done for not letting things get out of hand and for asking questions and going through everything that’s bothering you. I suggest you tell him about ‘mark unread’ though!

Thank you this is all very true.

I have confronted him - nicely which seemed to work better than shouting - and he has confessed. He is mortified about how he has behaved. I did - kindly - point out the buying aspect and again he was ashamed as hr should be. It’s just so stupid and pathetic I can’t seem to find a way past it. He’s been such a dickhead.

Oh god this is such an accurate reading of the situation. How on earth can I believe that he loves me when. He would say that to her. Interestingly he never used the L word with her, but the things he said were still so caring towards her and so very hurtful to me.

Thank you for the much needed home truths.

So blunt but very true.

I said exactly the same thing about the way he spoke about her to me. He would genuinely be perfectly happy to get rid the week we get back. He said that he cut her off after he thought about it when I initially raised my concerns which does seem to be true with the evidence I have but seems so cold to me.

I can’t say I relish seeing her but I do accept that this is his fault and she shouldn’t suffer disproportionately. Whatever the reasons or intentions it was a fucking dick move and I thought he was better than that. Whatever happens he will be treating her fairly, I will make sure of that (even though at times I’d like nothing more than to give her a piece of my mind too).

This all makes perfect sense, thank you.

He does seem to be opening up more now but obviously I’m not going to make any decisions until we get home. I was very disappointed with his reasoning and the timing that really upset me too - right after an argument. How can I trust him not to get pissed off with me and do it again?

He seems so upset and remoreseful but again, how do I believe that? It’s so difficult. All I want is for it never to have happened in the first place.

Thank you so much, it doesn’t feel like it if I’m honest. I definitely will but I was honestly in shock. He’s an experienced businessman approaching 50 years old - surely he should know this shit.

Just want to second what @Ohnobackagain said. I think you are doing AMAZINGLY well. You have kept your shit together in a way most of us could not, so bloody hats off to you. You are massively strong and whatever happens, you CAN do this xx