Thank you all so much for your help and advice. I’ve been keeping busy with the kids but your kind and wise words are helping me so much. I can’t tell you how much I have appreciate your support.
So I have a little bit more info but it’s a long story. The last couple of days have been ok. Don’t get me wrong I’m still furious and sad and up and down but I’ve been functioning. I’m still struggling to eat (silver linings eh!) but I managed to get some sleep last night although I woke at 6an this morning shaking with anger, so I decided to put it to good use at the gym which really helped.
Dh text while I was finishing up asking if I wanted a coffee so I met him there. We ended up having a real heart to heart. I got everything off my chest, no holds barred and so did he. I have to admit that I haven’t been the best wife this past year or so, and I can see how we got to where we are. That’s not excusing him, god knows he’s not been the best husband but I managed not to go looking for a younger model.
He opened up more about his reasons. Apparently he just wanted to prove he could have her if he wanted but he didn’t actually want an affair. He is still saying that he didn’t even fancy her (lies) and that he never touched her (probably not lies due to lack of opportunity). Most importantly he let me look through the messages again.
When I first saw the messages I was obviously in shock, physically shaking, trying not to alert the kids and dh was looking on in a similar state so while I got screenshots of the main things, I hadn’t paid much attention to the context. On second look, while there is definite pushing of boundaries in terms of jokes and pictures etc, all of the earlier messages are ambiguously friendly. What I noticed this time is a clear turning point at the beginning of this month where the messages went from (too) friendly to ‘You’re great, you’re awesome, of course I’ll pick you up in my flash knobhead mid-life crisis car’ etc. it then escalated quickly over only just over 2 weeks.
I asked him why he suddenly jumped in then, and he brought up a horrendous argument we had. It’s too outing to say what about but it was actually my fault - I did something without thinking that upset him. However I apologised profusely, genuinely tried to make amends and thought we had sorted it. I’ve obviously told him that I’m not accepting blame for this at all, and things had been too close for comfort before that but I believe that it pushed him over the edge (or gave him an excuse).
Anyway, we hashed a load of stuff our. We both cried (I stayed strong and there were no cuddles this time you’ll be pleased to hear). He told me how embarrassed he is over the messages and the way he’s behaved and he didn’t mean to hurt me, I called him a stupid pathetic twat. It was heartbreaking and devastating and cathartic, an overall really good talk and even though I’m not on the way to forgiveness yet, I did feel that there may be some hope of us working through this. I did ask if there was anything else that he needed to tell me, particularly concerning a second car that was vaguely mentioned as a joke in a text (you’ll have a two car month, something like that). She doesn’t have a company car so I outright asked if he’d said he would get her one (to replace oolleagues old flash one that she’s currently driving). He said absolutely not, it was just a joke. I then told him that he needed to be honest, and if I found out that he’d lied again about anything that would be game over. He said there were no more lies.
He didn’t actually realise that in amongst those messages was his outlook password that she’d sent him via text and I’ noticed it was the same one he used for everything. So now that dd is asleep I’ve just logged into his outlook. As expected there was nothing in the normal file or deleted but I checked the recover from server folder where I managed to recover an email deleted the day I found out from her but to the company car people adding another car to their next order. Sent on the same day as the text. The fucking tech incompetent dickhead lied again. Interestingly, that’s the only thing I found. There are hundreds of emails, as you’d expect, but nothing even overly friendly in them. They are all 100% professional and nothing untoward in the recovery folder. So it looks like it was just text and phone calls.
I’m so torn as I did mainly believe him earlier. I know him well enough to know why he’s lying about the car - because it’s a fucking loser move bribing your potential girlfriend with a new ride - but I’m still fucking furious. Why can’t he just tell me the truth even now? I already know he’s been a tossser. The car makes no difference at all but the fucking lying does. Honestly I’m just exhausted with it all but I know there’s no hope of sleep again now.
I can’t even decide whether to tell him what I know. I’m not even sure it’s worth risking more lies. Why did he have to lie about this? There was nothing else in there to find. I thought I’d see restaurant bookings or lovey mails but nothing. Just the bloody car evidence. If only he hadn’t lied.