Thank you everyone for your thoughts, advice and sharing your experiences. I have read every one but I hope you’ll forgive me not responding to every post but I’m really struggling to find alone time now that I’m back in real life.
To answer a few questions, my kids are absolutely fine with the situation. I had a lovely couple of days away with dd this week and she is far more concerned about going back to school, and ds is busy living his best life with his pals (he hasn’t mentioned anything at all except to laugh that ‘Dad’s in the doghouse’). I think as pp’s have said they are more concerned with their own lives and I for one am very relieved that is the case. We are a close family and tend to do things together and I don’t see why that should change until we are clear on our next move.
In absolute fairness I should point out that dh is actually genuinely caring and there is no performance about it. As I’ve already stated many times he is a wonderful father and a lovely person. He usually has empathy for me too, it’s only in this particular situation that it has been sorely lacking.
Up until getting back from my trip with dd I had decided to leave and I had told dh as much via text the morning we went away (far easier than trying to maintain a civilised conversation face to face). I told him again all of the things that had most hurt me and why and that I’d realised that I was wasting my time trying to make him understand when he should just know. If his ego was preventing him from doing that then that’s on him. I was only saying it one last time so that I could know in my heart that I had done everything I could before moving on.
He tried to text me a few times and I ignored. He said I was right, he knows it’s all on him and he’s sorry he made me this unhappy. Then later that he loves me and doesn’t want to move on. Then after that he asked me to not give up on us. Well I had to respond to that to explain that I hadn’t given up on us. I had done everything I could to save us but he had given me nothing, and worse, made me almost beg him to try and understand. I told him that our relationship is no longer a safe place for me and now I’ve seen things as they are there is no going back for me. We then didn’t speak until dd and I arrived back late the following evening so thankfully no time for chat then.
The next morning he told me he loved me and I asked him to stop that. He apologised. Then he rang me when I was on my way to work and I could feel that his tone was different. He was apologetic and humble but most importantly, honest. Since then I can truly feel the change in him. He’s answering everything I’m asking and I’m getting far more detail. That doesn’t necessarily make anything less painful but it helps to know that he’s not lying. As it stands I’ve agreed to try again but been very honest in that I may not be able to work through this. He couldn’t do any more than he is now. The car has finally gone, he’s being the lovely, thoughtful man I used to know wanting to spend time with me and go away together and he took me out the other day as a surprise and wanted to buy me something very special (old habits die hard clearly). Obviously I didn’t let him but it felt like the intention to make this up to me was there when it wasn’t before.
The problem now is that I’m not sure if it’s too little too late. I feel awful as he’s doing everything I’ve asked for all along and I know that he means it but I just don’t feel like I can get past this. He still betrayed me. He still kept secrets and lied. He still humiliated me with her. He still made her think that I’m nothing to him, even for a short while. How am I supposed to forgive that? Even if he is making it up to me now, he’s still taken so much from me.
This week has been so difficult. I’ve cried so much - literally racking, heaving sobs at inopportune moments, thankfully always in private. I’m doing what the counsellor said and sitting with the feelings but it’s truly horrendous. It’s almost like I’m past the anger (although not always) but now sadness and grief has hit like a tonne of bricks. I’m so sad for what we have lost and will never get back. I don’t think I could ever be this open and trust anyone blindly again after this. I do still love him so much. I can see how this all happened and that I’ve made mistakes too. But I’m not sure I can ever forgive the betrayal. I just don’t think I’m strong enough.
Thanks again to everyone who has posted words of support and kindness. It is truly appreciated.