My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

After making lots of excuses the first time I’ve finally told her that dad and I are upset with each other. She asked why and I said that I didn’t want to discuss that but that it was nothing for her to worry about.

You aren’t sharing a bed and you’ve taken off your rings

but also still laughing and watching tv and walk the dog together?

OP i can’t imagine how confusing this must be for them

But why on earth would you do that OP? No wonder your husband thinks it's business as usual. It's one thing trying to minimise any drama infront of the kids, but by doing every day things like walking the dog, watching TV etc together you are sending mixed messages to him. He needs to understand you are very close to checking out. You need to withdraw emotionally.

Thank you for this it’s really interesting and I will look into it more. Tbh I think we’re past it now but it’s definitely work a look/listen. He has said that he’s started to read Not Just Friends but I’m not convinced.

Perhaps we are looking at this wrongly. It’s not a situation I ever wanted to be in and I’m just aiming to keep things as normal as possible.

I suppose my primary concern, and that of dh to be fair, was to not expose them to any conflict. We can fight but they don’t need to see it. I don’t ever want them to feel that it may be awkward to have us in the same room. We’re going to be dropping ds at uni soon, I don’t want him to worry that there may be a scene or a row or he has to choose who’s car he travels in. The same goes for dd with school productions and parents evenings etc. Whatever is going on between me and dh the kids deserve parents who put them first. That’s all we’re trying to do. My life is going to change massively but I don’t want it to impact them when they have enough going on with starting uni and GCSE’s.

When we have a plan for how to progress we can talk to them but up until the other day we were trying to work through and stay together. It’s only been the last couple of days where I’ve had yet another re-think. I don’t want to put them through the ups and downs until we know for sure what is going to happen.

We don’t do any of this if the dc aren’t here, only when they are. Dh is very aware that things have changed and that from my perspective this is over. He is still apparently ‘trying’ to change my mind but not in any way that I’ve noticed.

As I’ve said up thread, we are both committed to keeping things as normal as possible for the kids. This may be the wrong approach but they have so much going on and I want them to focus on that, not on our nonsense. At least until we’ve made some decisions.

Dh then said lots more about how unsettling it was in our home and how the kids were being affected. How dd has been hurt enough. The counsellor was very much on his side saying that it’s not good for the kids

Is your DH keen to stop the facade and acting? it must be so draining. Do you want out the walk with him to walk the dog, chatty and close, and then once away from children… silence? argue?

My parents divorced when I was around that age. They slept in separate beds because he had a bad back. She was always 'out at choir practice.' I didn't even think to question it because they were my parents. Naive perhaps, but I'm sure many DCs don't stop to think about their DM and DD as fallible, sexual human beings.

First EA he dropped OW with no explanation. Second EA he dropped OW with no explanation and had her shunted sideways to another boss.

He wants YOU to STFU and carry on married life as normal.

He doesn't really see women as fully human, does he?

I had the same realisation about my ex when I saw the self pitying, future faking messages he was sending women online. (Though he's stupid and they were mostly bots.)

Women are just a prop for their lives, really.

I could be alone forever and I think it would still be better than this.

^^ that's it OP. Once you've found yourself here, everything becomes easy.

I'm late to the thread, but gosh what a lot you have been going through. I think you definitely need to focus on your needs and what makes you happy. No one else can do that for you. If your DH can fit into how you want your life to be, then well and good. But if he can't, for whatever reason, then it's time to end things .

Dh was saying this when trying to convince me/the counsellor that the best way forward was for me tl move on without getting the info that I wanted or looking further into what happened. I very much felt tgst be was using the kids as justification to try and get his own way,

It is draining, truly. But i have felt that being civil and showing the kids we can be mature and still get along in spite of our issues is worth it. Perhaps I am wrong about this but it’s all new to me and I can only do what I think is right.

Thank you for this perspective. I have very much hoped this is the case to be honest. Dd suffers with anxiety and both dh and I are hyper vigilant to signs that she is spiralling and overthinking. She really isn’t at the minute. She’s asked questions but genuinely hasn’t seemed concerned or worried about things.

As much as it stings I have to agree with that perspective.

Sad to say I’m also beginning to think this too. I think if there was genuine remorse things could be so different.

Still not easy, I’m still spending far too much time wishing things were different, but hopefully I’m getting there. Thank you.

Thank you. I’m certainly not happy at the minute but I really hope that finally taking the decision to leave and making changes to improve my life will eventually bring me some peace at least.

I wonder whether some of what you are feeling is grief. Grief for the relationship you thought you had, grief for the future you thought you would have.

The grieving process is made difficult because he and the future are still there but what you are now seeing are ghosts of the past and the future.

Of course you are only a few weeks in. The pain of loss is very raw.

He seems to not (want) to see the problem. In his narrative 'nothing happened' because to him it seems that the only measure of fidelity is physical. If he doesnt recognise emotional infidelity then does he recognise emotional fidelity at all?

Does he see you as a person? Or does he just see you as 'the wife'.

Or is the only thing that matters to him expediency? Building the other woman up so that he could use her. She was there to listen to his inane chatter, to laugh at his jokes, boost his ego. Did he see her as a person?

You are doing so great OP.

I have experience of Emotional Affairs, my (ex) husband had them all throughout our marriage. I was young and naive when he started and it always got swept under the carpet as he would just deny and deny.
It was a vicious circle of EA's, me finding out, him denying, him behaving for a while and then a few months later he found another woman for an EA and the cycle continued except he would then deny that EA but admit to the previous one.
19 years we were together, 17 married and he had EA's for 16 years.

Eventually I found the strength to end the marriage and he left as it was my house.
He thought we would get back together and he told me it was all for an ego boost and he had never planned to leave me....so it was ok to disrespect me as long as he never left me🤦‍♀️

My ex husband has white knight syndrome and always finds women to 'save'.

When my marriage ended I moved into my son's bedroom as he was at Uni and my 15yr old daughter was oblivious, she would even come in to that room to speak to me at night and didn't say a word for 2 weeks and then suddenly realised where I was sleeping and I told her we had fallen out. She accepted it and was fine but was very upset when she was told that we were splitting up and he was moving out.
Teenagers especially seem to be in their own little bubble and rarely spot things happening.

Good Luck ❤️

As usual @GnomeDePlume I think all of this is spot on.

I am very much grieving, but I’m seeing that as a good thing. I’ve been more focused on doing but the therapist last week said that it’s important to allow myself to sit with the feelings rather than try and push through them. That means everything is more painful (if that’s possible). I’m crying a lot, but I hope that this will lead to me accepting what is happening. It is tough as I didn’t want my marriage to be over but he left me no choice.

I don’t actually know how he sees me or her. You will probably not believe this but he is usually one of the most empathetic and understanding people I know. His kindness is one of the things that I loved about him. But he can’t seem to find any true empathy or kindness for me. That’s a very difficult thing to accept but I know it to be true. He has demonstrated it time and time again.

I had one like this. Empathy for everyone other than his wife and kids. They only have empathy when it makes them look good and it’s not them who has actually caused the problem. He doesn’t feel empathy because he thinks he’s the real victim here.

OP, I think you’re doing the right thing for your children. You know them best, and are aware of how they are reacting to what they see. Lots of children and teenagers are (by design) quite self-absorbed, and they probably won’t notice stuff at home unless they have a good reason to think about it.

i have read entire thread

and what hits me is the idea that your 18 and 15 year are “more curious than concerned” about fact that:
their mother has removed her wedding rings
their parents are no longer sharing a bed

and as for you and he “talking normally” in front of them, watching TV together, laughing together, walking the dogs together but then anger and arguments or stony silence when they’re not around…. sounds profoundly unhealthy for every single one of you and is doing no one any favours

what was family life like before this hellish situation that your children aren’t concerned by their mother removing her rings and their parents no longer sharing a bedroom?

have you had to “act normal” in front of the children often in the past?

OP, you said that you’d see a solicitor when you got home… is thais still on the cards?