My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

Things are ok but it’s awkward and that’s not all his fault. He’s still in the spare room but there are times when I’m literally shaking with anger at him so it’s better for me to keep away. I’m trying to be civil and move forward productively but sometimes I just hate him so much. I can’t believe he could humiliate me like this and think nothing of it. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get past that tbh.

That could be the case, in truth I would never know. I’ve never had any suspicions until this though and I’ve always met his colleagues and called in to the office etc.

How is the woman at work reacting now? She must be asking questions or has she just left it?

are you eating together as a family? what’s the weekends like when everyone around?

She was asking questions initially - mainly re work is there anything I can do to help etc. She did ask dh to ring her but he put her off and then she was asked to meet with her new boss and told that she will no longer report to dh. She seems to have left it after that but if I was her I would be planning my next move carefully.

We never eat together mid-week as we are all around at different times. We do usually have a roast on Sunday but I’ve been out for the last two weeks. We’re rubbing along ok in front of the kids and for important events like results day last week but when the kids aren’t there I seem to feel lots of anger so I’m not sure it’s doing me much good putting things on pause all the time.

are the kids asking questions? concerned?

Dd has asked a couple of times why dh is in the spare room and she noticed this week that I’m no longer wearing my wedding rings. After making lots of excuses the first time I’ve finally told her that dad and I are upset with each other. She asked why and I said that I didn’t want to discuss that but that it was nothing for her to worry about. She then said ‘You can talk to me you know Mum, you don’t have to keep it all in’ which makes me think that she may have suspicions but I just told her that she doesn’t need to worry as I’m fine and I have my friends. She’s likely to have asked dh too but I don’t know what he has said.

Ds hasn’t said anything at all to me but then he’s barely been home since we got back from holiday. I don’t know if I did the right thing or not tbh, it’s so difficult to tell how I should respond or explain things.

I've been following this thread and you honestly have so much strength and wisdom, I don't think I could act as composed as you are!
Have you put therapy with your H on hold? Are you still going by yourself? And is he?

Thank you for saying that. I don’t feel at all composed. Thank you also for the cute doggy gif.

We aren’t doing couples counselling anymore but I’m attending weekly therapy. My dh isn’t going but that’s up to him. I’m not sure he will ever really understand what he has done and look into the reasons why. I’m also realising that I can’t get past this if he doesn’t. I know that he has treated me abominably. I don’t need to wait around for him to realise that, I can simply move on. It’s utterly terrifying but no worse that remaining in this horrible limbo of hoping that he will eventually ‘get it’ and want to make it up to me. He’s still saying all the right things but doing nothing.

I saw this quote on LinkedIn last night: “Never go back to less just because you are too impatient to wait for better’. I could be alone forever and I think it would still be better than this.

how old are they?
How do they got on with their father?
how’s things like cooking and laundry etc working out? must be hellish, just hellish environment 🌷

They are 18 and 15. Both get on super well with their dad. I’m still doing the majority of laundry for everyone as I don’t really mind. I haven’t really cooked properly in weeks as I can’t really stomach being around food but dh has been picking up easy meals when required. Dd is fussy anyway so easy to whip something up just for her. On the rare occasion ds is home and hungry he will cook and I have continued to ensure we have fresh ingredients.

Maybe I’m kidding myself but I honestly don’t think it’s hellish for the kids. We are getting on in front of them aside from the separate rooms. We’re still talking as normal in front of them, watching tv together etc. We all went out on results day and had a good time together. The issues are more when the kids aren’t around, it’s easy to mask for them.

Hi OP I've been following your thread and you have been in my thoughts. This update really resonated with me. Me and my OH split up 4 months ago. We had only been together a few years, not married, no kids. He struck up a friendship with our neighbour. He spent an awful lot of time at her house, doing odd jobs, walking her dog, having coffee. There was lots of texting He swore nothing was going on, she was a good friend and neighbour, he enjoyed talking to her.... despite me telling him how uncomfortable this made me, and that he was prioritising their friendship over our relationship, nothing changed. People in our village were talking about them. I felt upset, angry, humiliated. It was, and still is the worst feeling.

I left, and although it still hurts, I could never trust him, that he cared enough about me, my feelings, our relationship to stay. Even as Ieft he went over to see her. I was heartbroken.

I too feel like I'd rather be alone than feel like I felt when I was with him.

I posted on here and got some excellent advice, as you have. Take care and stay strong.

you and he could be hollywood stars if you can pull all that off without children those ages being acutely aware that something very bad is going on.

I don’t know how you’re managing it OP!

I think what you are going through will resonate with some. It did with me. That feeling of once you know something, you can't go back. Your version of them is changed forever.

I found out my DH was meeting up with and sharing information about our marriage (and difficulties) with a school mum that also massaged us both! Yep - him stripped down to his boxers and telling her how I didn't understand him. They set me up to 'coach' her hubby so there wasn't even an exchange of £'s. What a fool I was.

Worst of it was how I found out as I had my suspicions (people locally saying how much they flirted etc) and told him to stay away from her as he'd make a bee line at any event. My XDH didn't work but was very handsome and liked to play little boy lost. He also, rather cutely, confided in my adult daughter whom I had also confided in about us having difficulties (because of this woman) and I told her I that I thought he was up to something but had no proof. Then she told me that yes, they did meet up but she was just 'supporting' him. I was exhausted keeping it all together. This was when we'd met for a few drinks. Such a punch in the guts.

I messaged her and him and that all ended. But to my regret we limped on until lockdown. Didn't every get easier because the trust was gone. I think it was an emotional affair and it was later revealed she had a physical affair with someone else.

Anyway that was years ago and I'm in such a different place. Happier, getting married again and very clear about my boundaries!

When I slept alone and took my wedding rings off that was it for me and that marriage.

Keep going and don't let him minimise his hideous act of betrayal!!!!!

Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you’re recovering now.

I feel very similarly in terms of the upset, anger and humiliation. My best friend told me that the only person who should feel humiliated is him. He has dropped her but I’m upset that it happened in the first place. Perhaps naively I hoped for some sort of gesture or action to demonstrate his commitment to me but nothing has been forthcoming. He seems very much business as usual. I don’t feel particularly loved or cherished, I feel like part of the furniture. Last time we fought I mentioned this and he asked what I wanted him to do. I said he had no problem thinking of ways to make her feel special. I refuse to keep saying the same things over and over for nothing to change so I think this is definitely it. I’m sad and it is difficult to accept but deep down I don’t think I’m surprised. He’s no longer the man I fell in love with.

Oh god, I’m in danger of being the lady that doth protest too much but I really don’t think they have a clue how serious things are. I think that they likely think that Mum is on one with Dad and it will all settle down again soon. I could be wrong but it seems more like curiosity rather than concern at this stage.

Thanks for sharing that sounds horrendous. Great to hear that there was a positive outcome though, I’m glad to hear that you’re happy now.

I think I could forgive dh if he seemed to feel more remorse. If I thought that he would do anything or even something to try and demonstrate his commitment and make it up to me. But it very much seems that he just wants to crack on as usual which I just can’t do without some sort of demonstration of love, regret, emotion or anything from dh. I’ve come home today to 2 bunches of supermarket flowers (nice supermarket but all the same). That’s clearly all he thinks I’m worth. I’ve never even asked for bloody flowers. I had asked him to do a couple of minor tasks and he hasn’t managed that.

If he was truly sorry I would know and I don’t which means that either he still doesn’t think he has done anything wrong or he just doesn’t care. I don’t need a man who doesn’t care about me.

I suppose it depends what family life was before this. If you did have dinner together and spend time together as a family… then it would be much more evident. I can’t imagine a 15 year and 18 year old not being much more in tune with the atmosphere. Especially knowing their parents see no longer sharing a bed. But if not really all together ever much, I suppose they wouldn’t.

i would have had to have sat down much earlier than this with my two!

You know your two though so if you genuinely don’t think they’ve noticed / giving it any thought… that must be a comfort

they are “more curious” than concerned about fact their parents are no longer sharing a bed together? no longer chewing the fat together? no longer going out ever together? no longer laughing together?

I suppose it’s difficult to imagine but we are still speaking and laughing and being normal with the dc. We still walk the dog together, go out together, watch tv together etc. We don’t eat together much mid-week as we all have different schedules so nothing unusual there, although I would usually have been more pro-active about preparing meals if I’m not around. We don’t argue in front of the dc and are very careful not to be unkind to each other when they are around. The only thing that’s changed is that Dad’s in the spare room because Mum’s fed up with his snoring - although clearly that didn’t continue to wash when Mum’s rings came off.

Of course when they aren’t around all bets are off and that’s when things get nasty. But the kids have never seen that and never will. Perhaps we should speak to them but I think we need to sit down and decide exactly what the plan is and what we are going to say. I still don’t want them to know what he’s done.

Hi op i hope you are okay.
Sounds like you handled the counsellor well. I also wouldn’t return, if you try again quiz them on the phone about unmet needs. I understand it is hard as she will want to retain you as clients but the time to blame your marriage difficulties is long gone. No marriage difficult is made better by infidelity ALL difficulties can be made worse with infidelity. It’s like painting the bedroom when the roof is missing.

Gottman is, in my opinion, the best relationship researcher . Diary of a CEO interviewed the Gottmans a while back if you like the idea of a podcast. I don’t think sitting in a room telling each other your bad points is a great way to save a marriage - which is what some counsellors do. You just stew on them for a week and then rinse and repeat.

Gottman works on going back to the beginning and remembering why you fell in love. You may be able to use this. He has a book called ‘seven principles of making marriage work’. It will help you even if you divorce. The four horsemen of the apocalypse for example - once you read it you will recognise them clip clopping in front of you.

The only difficulty is that when infidelity is involved the bad characteristics that allowed him to cheat can become more and more apparent. The need for ego boosts, control, over inflated ego, inability to self soothe, people pleasing tendencies, being okay with lying, manipulating people, arrogance, poor communication skills, poor integrity, cannot admit being at fault, words over actions, low emotional IQ etc. You see them more and more Then you end up not liking the person stood in front of you.

I wish the true effect of affairs were made well known. Affairs aren’t romantic or sexy. They cause trauma, loss (family, security, friendship and wealth), they demonstrate a lack of integrity and foresight. People struggle with family and friends or at work. PTSD is real. Affairs are abusive. Gaslighting, manipulative and at risk of STDs - none of that is romantic or sexy. The ability to stand in front of your loved ones saying ‘I love you’ then stabbing them in the back. It’s awful.

Did he read any books?

I do believe reconciliation is possible - but remorse is essential - most cheaters do not have the necessary character traits for reconciliation. And they also need the betrayed to have the right character traits too.

I suppose it’s difficult to imagine but we are still speaking and laughing and being normal with the dc. We still walk the dog together, go out together, watch tv together etc.

very very hard to imagine actually given your posts on this thread

so what did you say when they asked why you have removed your wedding rings, whilst also no longer sharing a bed together?