My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

It struck me what the therapist said about 21 years being a lot to throw away, what’s really at stake is whether you throw away your next 21, or whatever, years. This is the important thing, that you make the right decision for yourself for your future years, not based on those that have gone before.

Absolutely. Good point.

At one point she said oh dear and now I’ve made you angry.

What kind of shit counsellor says this? Two things: (a) her job is NOT to tell you how you feel and (b) never in the course of human history has telling someone in a stressful situation that they are 'angry' achieved anything (possibly other than actually making them angry). I don't know how you kept your composure, but you did. Keep going OP, you're doing brilliantly.

He’s betrayed you and I wouldn’t trust him again or stay with him if I was you. im so sorry this has happened to you. Pls know you’re worth someone who cherishes you and won’t risk loosing you.

Sorry you're going through this OP

I also want to share with you a story to show what you do if you truly cherish your relationship. A couple of years back, I stated a new job. Right from the start, it was clear that I had a real spark with my new manager and that it was reciprocated. It’s not like I go around having sparks wit all kinds of people, if hasn’t happens to me since I met DH, so this was rare.
(side note this may sound wrong but I’m fairly attractive so other men have been interested in me since
marriage but I’ve never felt anything for them and never wanted or let anything happen so this was truly unique). We were and are both married with kids. We just loved spending time in each others company, could chat for hours, always making each laugh, agreed about most things, worked really well together etc. I was in denial for so long about how I truly
felt, but in the end I just admitted to myself that I was secretly in love with him. I still think he was in love with me too.

but you know what? None of us ever did anything about it. We never crossed a single line. We didn’t talk about intimate things, didn’t text inappropriately, didn’t ever touch each other, because we both love and value our partners. The furthest tings eve got was a look that lasted a few second too long. How do I know this is also how he felt? I just know. As clearly as if he’s told me. I truly believe we could’ve had a wonderful relationship had we met at another time. But we didn’t. We married other people and we chose them. I still sometimes miss him (he’s moved on) but I respect him the more for how he chose to act and I’m glad I was also strong enough not to act on a passing infatuation. It’s not worth risking my marriage for because I love my husband and I’ve always known it’s possible to love several
people it indomitable believe it’s possible to be in a committed relationship without being 100 off faithful. I’m so sorry but your husband has risked your marriage for the pleasure of fleeing attention and affection from someone else and so he’s not worth your devotion.

What an earthquake of emotions you have been through. But all things will pass and I hope whatever the outcome you will be strong and content.

Great advice, thank you so much.

Thank you so much. I hope you get the outcome you’re looking for.

There is no contact with her and there hasn’t been since I made the discovery. Thank you for your advice.

This is a very good point, thank you.

Agreed. I was shocked at this and genuinely wasn’t even angry at this point.

Thank you for your kind words. I am actually very proud of how i handled myself in that session.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sure it was very difficult but you can hold your head high.

Thank you so much. You are so right of course, this won’t last forever and I need to focus on that.

I’m presuming you’re trying to give it a go. But in your heart of hearts do you see deep love and contentment between you for decades to come?

I am trying to give it a go yes. Up until this happened I never doubted the love between us. Now I’m just not sure. I’d like to think we can move past it and dh is currently indicating that he wants that too but to be honest at this stage I’m not sure I have it in me. I just don’t know if I will be able to forgive and I think that’s a requirement of deep love and contentment in years to come.

I saw some good friends today and one of them told me not to rush into anything but to be sure that whatever I choose makes me happy as life is too short to only make others happy. I think this is wise. Thank you for your advice, it’s definitely something to think about.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe

Hope your feeling ok. Can I ask, what does your husband believe the messages to be? I tell my friends they’re amazing and great etc but you know that it was something more as you’ve seen the messages. What is his take on it? Does he think it was fun? Friendship? I know you’ve said it was for attention but is that the case? What’s going to happen when he sees her again?

He thinks the initial messages were just friendship but the ones where he was telling her she’s great and worse were over the line. I think that they were all over the line as he chose to delete them to hide them from me (not that I ever checked gullible fool that I am). It could be for attention, it could be that he liked her. Unfortunately I can’t see into his head so I have no idea of his motivation. My suspicion is that it’s a mid-life crisis and he’s just doing what he wants without a thought for anyone else if I’m honest.

He isn’t planning on seeing her again and it’s easily avoided as she wfh.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe righyt I see.

I think your handling this with a lot of grace.

Problem is this isn't just a one off. He has form for this type of escapism.

Thank you that’s kind. Not feeling too graceful at the minute but hey ho!

Quite.