Hi @Freeme31, thanks for checking in. Apologies for the delay but a lot has happened so I needed time to give a proper update. I’m sorry, this will be very long.
Most of this week dh has been very similar to previously - saying all the right things but no action. I saw some friends at the weekend and they made me realise that in all of this I’ve been so concerned about dh - why, how he did this, is he having a mid-life crisis, how does he feel about me now etc etc - that I haven’t had a chance to think about myself and my wants and needs. So I took the decision to focus on that instead.
I was civil with dh but he remained in the spare room. He did try and pick arguments but I did my best to try and avoid in favour of polite but clear communication. I continued to think about what I want and it became clear to me that he isn’t the only one who has made a lot of sacrifices for the family and actually there are things that I would quite like to change. It also became clear to me that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to convince him that he’s actually done something fundamentally wrong in talking to her and allowing himself to become embroiled with another woman in the first place when actually, it doesn’t matter what he thinks. I know that’s wrong so he has crossed my boundaries and that is enough for me to take action. I did express all of this in a calm way to dh the day before counselling because he asked and to be honest he didn’t seem happy about it but did seem to reconsider and said he would give me everything I had asked for. Obviously I’d heard that before so took it with a grain of salt.
We went for couple’s counselling and on the way had a bit of a disagreement. Dh announced that he wasn’t around one evening next week so I would need to take dd somewhere. All fine, but I asked if he could check with me going forward about this sort of thing. A reasonable request in my opinion but he blew up. I knew about this, he’d shown me the email (he had as it was forwarded by her but I hadn’t noticed the email contents or date at all and he hadn’t told me that it was confirmed), it’s work not anything else and that I wanted control over his life. I argued back that I might have had plans and I would never dream of arranging a work event that meant I would be home late without first checking it was ok with him which he well knew. We arrived at the clinic in silence and dh was clearly very cross. He asked why I wasn’t wearing my wedding rings (I’d removed them the day before) and we got called in before I could answer.
As the session started it became clear that dh was on full on attack mode. He said he’d had the worst week of his life. That my emotions had been up and down and he didn’t know where to turn. That he’d opened up last week and it had only caused arguments. That he’d been through three weeks of hell since I found the messages. That I’d insisted on having access to his personal emails and phone for a year but he couldn’t see how that could be beneficial long term etc. The counsellor leapt on that immediately and asked why I wanted them. That he could still find a way to cheat etc. It isn’t a way to live long term. I know she’s supposed to be impartial but it felt very much as if dh had won her over with his bullshit tbh.
I stood my ground and said that I didn’t care if it was unreasonable, I needed that to move forward. He was perfectly free not to give it to me but he would have to accept that it was a non-negotiable for me for us trying again. She did at this point say that as the injured party I could make demands as it was up to him to make me feel safe again. Dh then said lots more about how unsettling it was in our home and how the kids were being affected. How dd has been hurt enough. The counsellor was very much on his side saying that it’s not good for the kids. I said that it’s ok saying all that but he didn’t seem to think about them at all when fraternising with the woman. At one point she said oh dear and now I’ve made you angry. I told her that she hadn’t actually but I will continue to enforce my boundaries as is my right.
Then dh and i pretty much straight up argued. He said that I’d said he was trying to blame him when all he was trying to do was to ensure we moved on in a way that was beneficial for both of us and that at no point had he tried to blame me. I’d had enough at this point and told both him and counsellor straight that I don’t want to hear anything about his ‘reasons’ at the minute until he can accept that he has actually done something wrong. I also said that I was sick of hearing him refer to it as a mistake when it wasn’t that at all. He made a choice to message her for years, he made a choice to use secret nicknames with her, he made a choice to delete the messages and hide this from me and he made a choice to actively pursue her. None of that was a mistake as he chose to do it all. In fairness she couldn’t argue with that either. I also said that I wanted dh to move out and she disagreed with that option if we want to move forward, told me that I’d just be worried about what he was up to if he wasn’t there (I said actually if he ends up with her that makes this a lot easier) and then asked well what will you do if he refuses. I told her that initially nothing, but I would eventually have to move out myself.
I mentioned the content of the texts to her being very different to how he was treating me and this being hurtful. Dh then said that the texts were all part of his work persona and sometimes he had to charm people to get the best out of them at work. I laughed and said that he forgets that I know him better that anyone and I’ve seen him do this but those messages weren’t that. She asked what I wanted from him and I said I want him to feel genuine remorse. I said he’s saying the words but I know he doesn’t feel it. I told her that I’ve been married to him for a long time. I’ve seen him flannel people over and over again and that is what he is trying to do to me. He’s saying the words but he doesn’t mean them. He doesn’t think he has done anything wrong and until he understands what he has done there is no way to move on as I can’t be sure he won’t do it again. She asked what would convince me and I reiterated that I know him and I would be able to tell.
There was more but I can’t quite remember everything. I know it ended with me saying that I’m not sure there is anything to save and that I’m not prepared to try and sort out his issues when I’ve got enough on trying to deal with my own. I’ve booked my session later this week and I think he should do the same and if he could manage to address his issues and actually accept that he’s done something wrong then we might be able to continue together later. Surprisingly she agreed as she said there is no point doing this if it’s leading to more arguments but did caveat that therapy is a personal choice so it’s up to dh if he wants to do that. She wished us luck, reiterated that moving out wasn’t a good option if we want to keep trying and then said that she hoped to see us again as 21 years is a lot to throw away.
The car journey home was fun as you can imagine with both of us in silence, then he asked how I thought it went. I said absolutely shit what did he think and we actually started talking properly. He asked me again about the wedding rings and I told him my reason. That being a married woman has been a huge part of my identity over the last 21 years but that may be coming to an end so I need to try a new identity on for size. He said it spoke volumes about where my mind was at. I said that’s how I felt about his texts. He tried to give me more flannel about it being a mistake and I just told him to stop it.
We pulled up at home and he looked really fed up and tried to again convince me that he’s sorry but shouldn’t need to give me his log ins. I’d had enough at this point and just said that I’m not going over it, he knows exactly what I need and if he doesn’t want to give it there’s no future. I told him that I finally understand that I can’t control him so I’m going to be making changes for myself including no longer tolerating his attitude towards me, evidenced again this morning when he snapped when I made a perfectly rational request. He did have the grace to apologise and said he was upset that I’d taken my rings off. I also said that I’m not happy with lots of things in my life so I’m going to be looking at making changes including a potential career change and a new hobby that I’ve always wanted to try. That he may see me as emotional and irrational but my friend made the point the other day that I’m the most level headed person she knows and the one that she trusts to give her sensible advice so I’m going to trust myself from now on. Finally I said that he is his own man and I accept that he makes his own choices but I’m not prepared to sit around waiting for him to come around to my way of thinking when I know that I’m not being unreasonable. I’m going to make a life for myself that I can enjoy with or without him. Then I took dd out for the afternoon.
When we got back dh apologised profusely. He said that I was right about everything. He’d been a complete idiot but he just didn’t want to admit it to himself. He then text me the login to his work email. Since then we’ve been getting on relatively well. He’s now answering questions without argument and has promised me everything else that I have asked for. I won’t quite believe it until I see it but he has been completely different for the last few days. He’s leaving his phone behind when he goes elsewhere which is a real first. So I suppose we will see. I’m still pushing forward with my life changes but I’m quietly hopeful that we may have turned a corner.
I’ve just have my first therapy session which has left me feeling even more positive. My therapist is lovely and so kind and has told me repeatedly to go easy on myself, that I’ve been through a lot and it will take time to come to terms with it. She also reiterated that my feelings are normal and I shouldn’t try and bury them. And I think that’s it! Thanks so much for your kind words and checking in. I don’t think I could have done any of this without you and other posters helping me make sense of it all.