My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

I stop for a coffee every single morning on my way to work. He knows this. I don’t need him to bring me a cup to my office. It isn’t helpful it’s just annoying and somewhat intrusive. I honestly think it’s so my colleagues can tell him and me how thoughtful he is.

Thank you. I’m starting to think this way myself and it’s making me very uncomfortable around him if I’m honest.

Thank you.

Thank you for this. I very much hope it’s true. I do feel a lot more like I need my space and I can see myself moving on alone now.

And it’s honestly heartening how many people can see though his nonsense, He seems so genuine at times that I almost think I’m imagining everything or being too harsh.

OP, he isn't listening to you, he is simply hassling you to prevent you having time to think.
You want space from him, not having to listen to him twittering on about unimportant bullshit because he thinks that is what will curry favour.

Do not be upset about your perfectly understandable irritation.

Being helpful would indeed bd doing as she asked him to clear out the spare bedroom so OP could have some space.
But he doesn't want her to have space.

I can sense you are getting the Ick.
You are worth 10 of this whiney loser.

It’s purely performative.

He hasn’t done the things you’ve asked for because that’s too hard for him. He’s just done what is easy and suits him. If you get on his case about it he can pull his sad sausage routine because he’s “showing you he’s sorry in his own way”, and you’re giving him a hard time, like he’s some poor bloke who just can’t win.

Be prepared for the “I’m doing my best and it’s just not good enough for you” narrative.

It’s predictable and pitiful.

I totally agree that he’s not listening. And this facade of ‘care’ is designed to give him lots of little examples to share with the therapist/friends/your children at some stage to demonstrate how much he ‘tried’ and how you just snapped at him.

Time for big.grey.rock, OP

I’d be busy/out a lot more, too.

Thank you so much.

He has come home early today and cleared the spare room. He’s sure showing me who’s boss.

What was the situation where he came close to cheating with a colleague before you were married, OP? Were their parallels? What were his reasons back then? (Apologies if you don’t wish to talk about it).

Agreed although he’s cleared the spare room and has literally just text (while I’m upstairs and he’s down) ‘Sorry to bother you, where will I find the bedding for the spare room so I am not rummaging and mess anything up.’ The poor soul having to make his own bed.

Thank you I agree. Although I can’t be out too much because of dd. I am out for a full day next weekend and I have an open invitation to stay with a friend whenever I need so I could take her up on that.

He had been seriously ill but recovered. I didn’t look too deeply as I believed him that it was a reaction to that. With hindsight there were parallels. He also cut contact immediately after I found out and within a year I was expecting our first.

When the going gets tough he seeks attention and validation from external sources.

Fgs, he's draining me just reading your updates.

Ridiculous message about messaging up the bedding, performance room moving anyone with a mild interest could pick a cheap set of bedding up at Tesco or on Amazon.

Exactly. It’s a performance of “being nice”. It’s not actually being nice in a way that is beneficial to you, but in a way that makes him look like he’s being nice. It’s entirely self centred.

That text! Oh poor me I can’t do a thing without messing up and getting told off 🎻

Yes I’m beginning to think that.

I mean, the bedding has only lived in the same place since the day we moved in. How is he supposed to know that? The poor lamb.

He’s just knocked and asked to come in. I retreated to the bathroom before letting him in and he came wandering in saying I love you, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just giving you space like you asked. I told him I’m not upset but it’s hardly giving me space when he’s always there.

It is. And I’m only just realising how often he does stuff like this. But obviously not anything I ask him to do.

I know. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t cheat sooner living with an ogre like me.

You're sounding stronger OP, like you've hit your rock bottom and are on your way up, it's good to see.

I predict a change in his tactics fairly soon. His pathetic simp act is taking a lot of effort and once he realises it isn't having the desired effect on you he'll switch things up. If I had to put money down I'd guess a more bitter and hostile version of playing the victim and blaming you.

He’s on eggshells, poor little soldier

The clearer you see him the stronger you become OP.
He definitely does not want you peaceful and reflective, that would not be in HIS best interests.
Better you are irritated, tired and off balance than calm, focused, clear headed.

This is all very deliberate and calculated.
See the pattern.

Thank you, I feel stronger.

He may do that but I’ll cope. He’s already done the worst, this is nothing.

Quite.