My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

Thank you. He is a knob.

I’ve never known him to be like this tbh. He seems to have knocked it on the head now but when I told him he couldn’t keep it in his pants he said that I didn’t need to use vulgar language. I laughed (couldn’t actually help it he sounded so prim) and said that his behaviour was far more vulgar that anything I’d said.

Agreed and thank you for the inspiration @LivelyMintViper, I’m sure I said something along these lines to him during our last row.

She did and that is tough to accept. I didn’t think we were besties or anything but I thought we respected each other.

I would love to say that but I just keep channelling Michelle Obama - 'When they go low, we go high'. It’s not worth it to me.

More good points here. I agree with all of this.

I hope she wouldn’t come to our home but if she did and our dc were there I would have to join him in quietly speaking to her myself. I don’t think she would do that. She’s on holiday now so it does give me a bit of breathing space. I’m half expecting dh to get a drunken text or call at some point but hopefully she realises that he isn’t worth losing her dignity over.

Dh seems to think that as he is still pretty much ignoring her and she has a new boss she will potentially look to find another role and leave quickly. Obviously he knows her far better than I do so he may be right. Part of me hopes that’s the case as I will be happier when she’s gone, but part of me still wonders if she realises that she could walk away with a lot more with no impact to her future career at all. If she had opened up to me I would honestly be telling her to see a solicitor, dh or not.

Op, I have to say you are viewing this OW as if she was you. But she really isn’t. You absolutely would not have ever entertained this kind of bullshit from your boss and you certainly wouldn’t have encouraged it. You would NEVER have turned up at the wife’s house and behaved like she did. You know that. So, tread carefully. She isn’t you, she doesn’t have your morals or values and she is not to be trusted (irrespective of what idiot husband is doing)

Thanks so much for thinking of me. I do know that really. She has behaved very badly. But as a woman and a feminist I still struggle to see her be the only one suffer the consequences of this. It’s not really about her, it’s about the unpleasantness of the whole situation if that makes sense. I still wouldn’t trust her as far as I can throw her.

To be honest, after seeing my friends yesterday I’m starting to see the whole situation in a new light. One of them said to me something along the lines that she would never have thought that he would do this and it just goes to show that all men are the same. I don’t actually believe that if I’m honest. I don’t think all men are like this (although far too many are). I think dh made an active choice to pursue a secret ‘friendship’ with a colleague and then another to try and move that ‘friendship’ to the next level.

I’m still not seeing the changes I want from dh and I certainly wont be requesting anything else from him. He knows what I need without me telling him and he knows how to be a good husband. Again he’s making a choice not to do those things. I’m starting to truly realise that this horrible, egotistical, selfish man might be all that’s left of the man I loved. So to be honest, I no longer care if there are consequences to his reputation as a result of his actions.

Well its typical. He has decided, its in the past. You'll settle down, go off to Golf & have a jolly good day, not thinking about you, the potential fall out for his DC, (for life.)
^The havoc that divorce will bring to you both,
His reputation
Her potentially waking up to the fact she has been shut in a cupboard.
For him its business as usual.
However, you are now aware of the cracks in the pot. You are waiting & analyzing.
Spending time here & with your friends dissecting.
He should have given you space & left. This might have sharpened his senses to what he is on the verge if losing.

I also think she will contact him by phone, or come into the office.
& i bet my house that he will not tell you, because "what she doesn't know won't hurt her, & she will get all het up again."^

Very strange formatting. Mystery

You are a feminist, but she certainly isn't. It's amazing what lengths certain women go to when they want to break up a family. I wonder if the OW in your case was driven by financial greed, or infatuation.
I saw hour previous reply where you said that you had some health issues and it put strain on your relationship. Please don't blame yourself. It does not excuse his actions. I've a friend devote herself to her partner and keeping him happy byt he still cheated on her and had no remorse.
Another friend had an amazing relationship with her husband (or so we thought). Along came baby which naturally unsettled the life, also shortly after the birth of baby friend lost her brother in an awful way. Her husband started messaging his colleague. The excuse was that the colleague was a friend, he needed a friend, the life had been so tough for him lately, blah blah. The difference from your story is that he refused to stop messaging the colleague because they are only friends and the wife is paranoid. Long story short, he left his wife for the colleague friend.
Anyway, your story is different as your husband is remorseful, and stopped the contact with her. But please don't blame yourself.

I think this is a fair summary. To be honest I think I’m past caring. If he wants her she can have him. I just want space at the minute to think but he doesn’t seem to want to give it to me.

We had another falling out this morning after I very deliberately tried to keep quietly to myself. He asked if I wanted a lift to work several times - no thank you I will take myself. Then he asked several times if I needed him to be home early for dd as I’m in later today - well it might be nice if you could get back a bit early but it’s up to you if you have time or not. After about the 4th time he asked well what would you do and I ended up snapping that I’d told him several times what I would do but it’s up to him if he does it. He then rang me 3 times on my way to work, ostensibly to help me - would you like me to pick you a coffee up and drop it in for you, then the people at the coffee shop are so lovely and efficient aren’t they, then there’s a speed camera in that place where the speed cameras always are.

After time 3 I let myself down and snapped again that I just want to be left alone to enjoy a quiet drive to work. This ended in a stupid row that I’m annoyed I allowed myself to be dragged into followed by him saying well don’t worry it won’t happen again and hanging up on me. He’s since made it very apparent that he is in fact ignoring me by sending me a couple of snotty texts about something that will wait then blanking me. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable (apart from allowing myself to get dragged into undignified and unnecessary arguments) but I’m being made to feel like I am. To top it all off he didn’t clear out the spare room at the weekend and after an early night I woke up to him in our bed at 3am. I’m now at work again unable to concentrate when I deliberately tried to give myself a peaceful start with no negativity. Why can’t I learn to rise above.

Yes I’d agree she’s not a feminist but unfortunately that doesn’t change my principles. I think it was driven by financial security and to be honest, a spot of desperation as her clock is ticking. Her usual type is very physically fit, pretty men. My h is handsome but that’s not him.

My h has cut contact but I wouldn’t say he’s remorseful. He’s saying he is but that’s not the same thing as actually being remorseful. Thank you for saying that I’m not to blame. I know I’m not but he has a way of making me feel that I am.

To be honest, you say you want him to make an effort, & now he is, its just annoying you.

Am I allowed to post this ?

www.instagram.com/reel/C-Y0ya2MvtR/?igsh=ZmVndnFyamNzZGh4

No he's not making an effort. He's barging right through any boundaries she is setting, and then when she expresses she wants a little space, he's sulking, and no doubt blaming her for her reaction when he's 'trying to be nice'. It's a classic dick move

@PleaseVipersHelpMe he was never going to clear out the spare room. He said that to get a raction from you, he wanted you to cry and beg him not to, you didn't give him that reaction. Clearing the room itself is too much effort. He has a lot of words doesn't he? He doesn't seem to follow through with actions. Maybe you need your own actions. You could put a lock on your bedroom door so he can't just walk in and get into the bed while your asleep.

Also, he doesn't want you to have space to think. You thinking is dangerous for him. He also wants to cause an argument because he wants to create his own narrative. He's the poor victim who's just trying to help while you are a crazy, angry and irrational person biting his head off for no reason. He's trying to justify his wrong doing.

No an effort would be clearing out the spare room and giving her space. An effort would be providing the phone and text message records she requested.

I'm with you on that.
But his offering coffee etc is fairly innocuous

I have been following your story, OP, but only posted today. All I see, throughout this entire thread, is a man who is solidly ‘woe is me’. Woe is me that he’s had to ‘endure’ your marriage, woe is me that’s he’s ’lonely’, woe is me that he’s now being tragically blamed, and woe is me that he now is expected to do any form of undoing.

Where is his ownership? Over any of it?

I would bet my life savings that he is not and has never been in hardship over you ‘nagging’ or ‘controlling’, he simply has to have the narrative be that this is not his fault. He is not angry at you for treating him in any way, he is simply angry that he has rolled the dice on his life and he has lost, and if he cannot blame himself for rolling it, his only choice is to blame you for making him roll it.

Full agree. All he is attempting to do is set up a scenario in which he is ‘wronged’.

She's quite right to be irritated by every little thing about him at this point. The trauma bonds are breaking and she's detaching. It's a healthy response.

I think that’s unfair.

I’m a professional woman in my forties. I don’t need my dh to take me to work or bring me coffee. He never does these things and I would much prefer that he put his efforts into getting me the info I have asked for or clearing out the spare room which I have also asked for. But he seems to disregard the things that I request because he thinks he knows better. It would also be nice if he could take the initiative with deciding whether or not dd might want someone at home a bit early when she’s been alone all day. Or if he could realise that if I’m quiet I don’t really want him to jabber on about the nice staff at the coffee shop or a speed camera that is literally there every day (plus I don’t speed which he knows).

But given what you said I have just called him to apologise for snapping. I reiterated that I do need some space at the minute but that I should have used my words.

Thank you these were my thoughts exactly.

Thank you for this, I think you’re spot on here. I do need to stop rising to it though. At this point the arguments aren’t worth it and I shouldn’t let him win.

My thoughts exactly, thank you.