My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

All very true, thank you.

Thank you so much, I hope so.

Thank you so much for your kind words and consistent support. If I’ve been fierce it’s because you and other strong women have given me the strength to see things as they are. Thank you again.

He snores and I’m constantly complaining about it. We’re going to say that. I don’t want the dc to know what he has done unless they absolutely have to. Not for him, but for them.

I’m still waiting on phone records that I have been promised for him and the woman. I won’t chase this. If he doesn’t provide them I know where I stand.

He is showing me emails and texts she is sending and they are getting increasingly needy and desperate for answers.

A betrayed Wife. A needy and desperate Affair Partner. This is what he has wrought. She feels duped, but of course she knowingly played with fire by plugging into the ‘feel goods’ with this married man. She is still pretending to be your friend to pump you for info.

Sooner or later she will confront him, perhaps in the parking lot or elsewhere. She had beliefs and expectations based on his language/actions. There’s no telling what all he said to her in person. I am doubtful that he is truly shocked by her unsettled reaction.

Ideally you would be present if he delivered an explanation/closure via a message, call, or meet-up, but he is a coward who doesn’t have the gumption to face her after all his gushing and pursuing. Yes, they both made disgusting choices, but his ghosting her is wrong. This from the man who ‘wanted to make her happy.’

When she does corner him, he should have a ready response, and I would want to know what that will be. Too many cheaters bottle it and squeak out that ‘Wife/Husband is uncomfortable with our relationship’ instead of taking responsibility for crossing the line and acknowledging how wrong and disrespectful that was.

Are you going to respond to her message, @PleaseVipersHelpMe?

she messaged me herself earlier this evening

Wow, she has a bloody cheek. You would have to chop my fingers off to stop me from replying with a few choice words 🫵

Wow this woman (who you feel sorry for btw) has got some bloody nerve. I agree with previous poster he should have a short answer for when she tracks him down (and she will ) and it should not be blaming you (my wife doesn't like that we're having an affair) but him taking full responsibility that texting/chatting as they have and is inappropriate for a happily married man so HE wants to cut their friendship/affair.

Agree with all of this. However she won’t be able to corner him as she’s only in the office limited days and he has decided not to be around then. She could come to our home but I doubt she would do that.

After some thought I responded to her as though everything is normal. I don’t know if that was the right thing to do or not but it’s done now.

Agreed. I bit my tongue but it was tough. I fo feel a bit sorry for her though. She has been treated badly in all this.

Agreed but tbh this makes me feel more sorry for her. She isn’t this woman who is unsure of herself so dh has obviously caused her some damage too. He won’t allow himself to be confronted and I’m not getting involved in that decision.

You are a lovely, compassionate woman ❤️ I'm not sure she would give you the same.

Does DH know she texted you?

Oh I don’t always feel compassionate towards her, most of the time I hate her. But there is no getting away from the fact that this is primarily dh’s fault.

Yes. He told me not to reply.

Nit sure if it was a good idea or not to reply, but it's good that you didn't have it out with her obmver the messages. I think keeping reply short and "normal"/formal is best. I wouldn't get involved into replying to her anymore.
Do you get a gist that she was getting too involved with her boss? Or just friendship from her side?
If I remember correctly you said you didn't find messages from her? But surely she would've felt that her boss's communications are getting inappropriate?
I hope you are OK and still sleeping better.
You will pull through this, stronger and wiser!

Another great post. You put into words so well what needs to be said.

Sorry, just reading through and got to your update from Sunday. I'm sorry OP that's he's being such a grade A bawbag.

I am also seething on behalf of OP. How DARE he!!!

He really does think he is the Big I Am doesn't he. What a cock.

Quite! He's suddenly so moral when it fucking suits him.

TBF he couldn't just block the OW due to them being colleagues/boss and subordinate

You are a better woman than I am. She came into your house, looked you in the eyes, all whilst encouraging attention from your wayward H. knowing she had got a new car out of this & had even intention of continuing in that mode.
lets face it, it would still be going on now he he hadn't been rumbled.
I would reply. "Look Babs, you have been coming on to my DH. he has been over confiding in my private life & basically you make me sick. & I do not want any further communication with you.
Go Fuck Yourself "

Well, OW previously felt no shame about positioning herself as a ‘family friend’ who would stop by, while secretly colluding in a dance with H. She thinks things are normal on your end, so if desperate enough she may come over to discern the lay of the land, so plan accordingly. If he is home he’ll have no choice but to definitively deal with her, which he should have already done.

I would be livid to be put in this position by him — his wannabe girlfriend contacting you is beyond the pale. He has left so much destruction in his wake.

I still don’t know if I did the right thing either. It almost feels like I’m covering for dh. But at the same time I can’t see the benefit in trying to speak to her.

I did find messages from both of them. I think they would both say it was friendship but it was clearly very over the line. Dh was the one that pushed it even more over the line. She did respond in kind when he said she was great. And she was happy to message him to ask about the various cars and a trip out in his knobmobile. I’m sure she did think they were inappropriate and initially I wondered if she felt a bit out of her depth. The emails and messages this week - though still somewhat ambiguous - do indicate that she would have been up for pursuing this too.

Ironically if she had spoken to me I would have been the first to put dh straight and ensure she was looked after, although I suppose she wasn’t to know that. I still don’t want to see her completely shafted as imo even if she had served herself up on a plate (which she didn’t) dh should have turned her down because of me but also because he is her employer.

I’m up and down with the sleep but had a good night last night and a great day out with friends today. They were all up for coming back with me and giving him what for but I thought that might be best avoided at this stage! I’m very lucky to have them. Thank you for your kind words.

Agreed!