My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

Oh do one with your unhelpful nasty comments!

Once again, @Itsamountainof and @MsDogLady are spot on, I think.

This was a calculated performance for the counsellor. He knew exactly what he was doing and the impression he was trying to create for her, whilst trampling all over you.

If the counsellor is smart, they will see straight through this. Next time you go, I'd ask them for their perspective so far. If they are don't call him out on his totally inability to accept any responsibility then I wouldn't bother going back.

He's cycling the classic DARVO (deny/attack/reverse victim and offender) moves over and over.

He wasn't emotionally intelligent enough to address challenges or perceived slights as they happened throughout your relationship, but he diligently threw them into a pot and stewed them for 20 years ready to serve up in your face.

Obviously no one knows him better than you, OP, and we know none of his good points, but now he's really 'showing you who he is' it's hard not to urge you to walk away.

He is blaming you for everything so he does not have to accept any responsibility for his actions.

My XH was exactly the same. Actually, he has never changed and still does this, 7 years after divorce.

It must be lovely walking around never believing anything is your fault.

In order to be the best parents we can be, we also need to look after our own well-being. The OP has stated that she is finding this thread useful to help her get her head straight. She is using it to vent and rage and process it all. This means that she will be far better equipped to be the best parent she can through these difficult times.

What you have written is at best unhelpful and at worst shaming.

Yes, this.

He is emotionally manipulative and has cooked up a literal "sob story" for the counsellor.

I honestly think, at least for the moment, you need individual counselling.

I think the marriage counselling is actually going to harm you if he is this emotionally manipulative. Please consider stopping, just tell him you think you should both do individual first.

You have no idea how they are coping or what mealtimes are like now or before.

It’s fine to make a suggestion that talking to the kids is a good idea. It’s not kind to do it in such a critical way when she is going through such a traumatic time.

As parents we need to be emotionally containing for our kids and if she just spoke to them without reflection first she could end up sobbing and leaning on them for support.

Much better she does this or pushes DH to when she has the best chance to be emotionally containing for the kids and not in an acute trauma state.

Yes he’s trying to dredge up excuses and reasons for “why now”
but really it’s just because that’s when the opportunity presented itself.
He found a woman who was trying to impress him and enjoyed it, began to resent his wife because she treated him as an equal not on a pedestal.

Great advice! Maybe there is someone in your life who need you more than the OP needs your input at this time.

I am sure she is more than capable to spend time on both. My point still stands that the way your post was phrased was unkind.

While you have been focused on what he has done, he has been focused on justifying it and thinking damage control.

He is a liar.
He has calculated carefully that he needs to concentrate his energy on blaming you in great detail, for HIS behaviour.

That he would use your childs mental health to beat you with, is truly vicious.

Whatever you imagine the future will hold I don't believe you will EVER get to a place where you will feel genuinely SAFE emotionally with him again.

He has IMO done far more irreparable damage on the marriage, by his calculated attack on you, than just admitting he was wrong and wanting to move forward.

By exposing such venomous long held slights, particularly his self serving "I should have stepped in sooner", with your daughter, he has exposed himself to be far more concerned on controlling the narrative than reparing the damage he has done.

I would be very wary of him and his motives OP.

OP, I think the way you have handled this so far is so impressive. I think this is the last page of the thread, so if you are finding it useful - and you don’t owe anybody any further posts if you don’t want to - don’t forget to start a follow-up.

Good luck; you seem to have strength, assertiveness and compassion covered already ;

💐💐💐

Whilst he may have some legitimate resentment (frankly, who doesn’t in a long marriage?) he could have been an actual grown up and used his words to discuss it with you. But it sounds like he never did. I’d be fascinated to hear him explain how his attempting to get his leg over with some silly girl helped him to address those issues with you? The benefit he thought it would bring to the marriage and you? Oh that’s right, he wasn’t thinking about you or the marriage AT ALL.
And you op, im sure you too have some long held resentment. Have you run around making a fool of yourself, chasing some younger man in an attempt to get a bit on the side? No, of course not. And what he is going to need to explain in counselling is why HE did, why, resentment or not, it was OK for him to break his marriage vows, instead of you know, addressing the issue????
You feel massive resentment about what he has done op, quite understandably. Does he therefore believe it would be ok for you to go off and try shag some easy target? No? Right then. His explanation doesn’t wash……

I would knock the joint counselling on the head and replace it with individual counselling.

I would also get in front of a solicitor asap with all the relevent financial information at hand.

He is predictably making his transgression your fault. He is taking zero responsibility. He isn't looking for friends, we do not pursue friendship relationships with employees and we do not buy our friends cars.

He is using the incident with your DD as he knows this is your achilles heel. Don't buy it. Just because he says something doesn't mean it's true and his tears are just another way to manipulate you.

Leave him, get ahead of the curve, put yourself first because he will not. You'll have to eventually as he really is not capable of pulling this round, might as well save your energy, back yourself now.

So I had a shitty day at work with this on my mind and ended up coming home early to wallow read this thread. Annoyingly dh also came home early and came and bloody sat in my space in the bedroom where I was fuming to myself whilst folding washing. He was being all ‘Are you ok?’, ‘Is there anything I can do for you?’. After yesterday I wasn’t really up for another argument so I tried to ignore but he kept on and on so I decided to say my piece. I was pretty calm and didn’t shout (and was obviously careful to watch my tone🙄) but I told him exactly how I feel using a few key points from all of you. That I’m fed up of him blaming me for everything rather than taking responsibility for what he has done. That he can bring up dd’s issues but he didn’t think much about them when he chucked a grenade into her family. That all he has done is make excuses but not actually do anything to help make things right. That the way he has behaved since has been as bad as the initial betrayal. That if he had issues he should have fucking used his words like a proper grown up rather than dragging it all up when it suits and that it’s not my fault that he couldn’t manage to do that.

He just sat there on the bed staring at me as though I was mad. Then I said ‘I’ve got clothes to fold so could you go now’ and he rolled his eyes and snapped ‘Don’t tell me what to do’. Well that was it for me. I really let rip. I told him that I’m fed up of him saying shit like that. He always assumes that I’m trying to boss or control or tell him what to do when actually in that instance anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence would know that I was asking for some fucking space. That I have no interest in ‘bossing’ him but he takes every single thing I say as an attack but when she asks he just does things. I said I am sick of him treating me like the enemy when I’m supposed to be his closest ally and I am not living like this anymore. I said that I could have thought of any number of things to bring up to hurt him now (and gave a few examples) but I haven’t because I’ve left those things in the past like a fucking normal person rather than hanging on to the grudges for years. He argued back a fair bit then - more of the same. But I’ve heard it all before now so it can’t hurt me. I did shout and I was angry and do you know what? I’m not sorry. After all, we’ve all seen what bottling this stuff up can lead to according to my dh.

Thank you all so much for putting a rocket up
my arse wheh I most needed it. I am not perfect but I don’t deserve this and I won’t be tolerating more of his shit. I’m going to try one more cc session next week but I’ve also been in touch with them today and got a phone consultation tomorrow with a different therapist too. I’ll be seeing them on my own whatever happens and I haven’t bothered to tell dh. I’m also getting other ducks in a row too. I don’t know if it matters a jot to him but I feel so much better for getting it out. I even think I might sleep tonight! Thank you all again for the much needed tough love.

Look, I agree it’s not looking good for us. Dh is being a prize dickhead. But it hasn’t even been 3 weeks yet since I found out. I’m not prepared to end my marriage of 21 years, or make any major, life-changing decision for that matter, without taking the time to consider all of the options properly.

At the end of the day I’m still not myself. I’m still struggling with eating and sleeping and I’m doing the best I can. I’ve given myself a target of three months to make a decision and I’m using this time to get myself together and make plans.

OP you are doing exactly the right thing by telling him what you think. He'll be looking blankly at you as he won't have a response. He's hoping you are going to forgive and forget, and he can carry on as before. He's getting angry because you aren't rolling over and taking this shit like the doormat he expects you to be. The controlling comments are misogynistic rubbish. You have every right to ask him to leave the room. He really sounds very unpleasant.

Bloody hell OP. Awesome job. Well
done. Look after yourself well lovely.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe, as a friend of mine says, ‘You’ve got it goin on, girl!’

As you know, navigating trauma is incredibly draining, and everyone going through it has both strong days and days of doubt. I knew that your grit and fierceness would show up. Kudos for setting him straight about your expectations and what you will no longer tolerate.

Your 3 month goal sounds smart and reasonable.