My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

Thank you for sharing your perspective.

It doesn’t look pathetic and if your dh is willing to put in the work then I can completely understand you staying. I only wish mine had the same attitude.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe im so sorry to hear this latest turn of events. I was hopeful like others that this could be repaired. But I get this issue with revealing further lies - and then him turning it round on you.

regarding the deleted messages / iCloud? Is it your sense that these were recent messages / defo to do with this woman? Or is there something else that he’s ashamed of that he’s hiding?

Not to catastrophise but something like cam girl / sex worker booking? I have to think it’s something serious for him to risk lying again and trying to access his iCloud.

The fact that his old phone supports the previous thoughts that their messages were familiar but nothing more is “good” - but the deleting is fundamental. That speaks to his intention 100% - he knew we had crossed a line somehow and you do not know how flirty their conversations were in person. As stupid as they both appear to be - when people are engaging in an emotional affair they are often wary of putting stuff in writing.

See what the counsellor says but I get your anger here.

It’s not pathetic

but it is very sad and depressing to think of someone living like this

From experience, the messages are the start and he would have progressed further if not found out. Check all his photos on his phone on google photos too. If he keeps locations on in the settings u can check where he's been, travelled to. But I will warn you it's easy to become obsessed with this and that can harm your mental health seriously

I’ve just read the whole thread today. My thoughts are: this man is not going to change. He only admits to what you already know; he has been blatant in his disregard; he’s tried to pin some blame on you; you’re the mother of his precious children and he’s allowed for the possibility that they will be traumatised. Also, a decent man would have left the house and let you process this but he’s still there (the absolute nerve of the man). Would you still be there I’d you’d been messing him about like this?

Re: your daughter’s GCSEs - I don’t believe waiting to leave him is the answer. If you wait, there will be her A Level years to consider. Then university. There will always be a reason to postpone leaving him. Do it now. He can get set up with somewhere to live that can accommodate her, and as she and he get in so we’ll together, she can enjoy spending time and revising at his as well as at yours.

I strongly feel marriage counselling/waiting to see if he’ll become better is a waste of your time. The only way it wouldn’t be would be if he put in serious work to changing and as you can already see, he really has very little intention of that - a bit of lip service but not really. He’s a typical cheater and he will do it again and maybe again after that.

Im so sorry you are going through this, how are things now?

I recently had the same with my husband who was also messaging a work colleague and archiving the whatsapp messages. There were other strange connections on various social media channels of which i never got to the bottom of. Messages to this woman have now stopped since he has discovered she is having an affair with someone else! I just wish people wouldnt do this to each other - my first husband had an affair so I am speaking from experience and hence why I am still insecure about it. I do lots of secret snooping as best I can, just to set my mind at ease. We also both have find my phone location for each other so we can see where one another is most of the time.

Anyway what i wanted to say was that I hope you are ok and I hope you have been able to get an answer from your husband for his unforgivable behaviour?

Op have you checked DH’s archived WhatsApps? My DH had an emotional affair and a Mumsnetter suggested that to me. I didn’t even know there was an archive.

I found a WhatsApp there from another woman; not the emotional affair but DH’s ex girlfriend from 30 years ago! All messages deleted but he’d managed to stay in contact with her throughout our marriage, secretly.
I don’t think anything in my life will ever shock me more.

I think some men practice deceit very easily; they know what’s right and what’s wrong but think they can do what they want if their wife doesn’t find out and it’s not a physical affair.

In a way, his intractable behaviour and lies gives you a full spectrum of shit to divorce him over, rather than something nebulous.

I could pin point to the day when my ex met the OW, I knew him so well.

He followed the script and I was aware of every single tiny tell.

When we separated, he was astonished at how much I knew. They take us for fucking idiots and it's that that is as sickening as the betrayal and lies.

Of course she is a cheap scrubber, and so is he.

I'm so sorry OP. I've just read your thread this morning. God what a holiday you've had!
What is it with men at this age? You've worked hard for years, building a life, raising children and building financial security. Then just as the kids are about to launch and you can start enjoying the fruits of your labour, BANG. They have a midlife crisis, and ruin everything you've worked hard for. And for what? Just to prove that they've 'still got it' ffs. Sending you loads of love and support from another middle aged woman 24 years in!

@PleaseVipersHelpMe he doesn't want you to have his call and text logs. They will show the true extent on his interactions with her. You've only seen the tip of the iceberg.

Hes lied over and over again. You know he's lying because he's talking. The lies would be the end for me that an the shared secrets. I could forgive a fuck. All the chatting, familiarity, intimacy, lies and secrets would end it for me.

Oh this is so sad. I’m furious on your behalf OP.

Clearly he values his secret keeping and lies over his marriage. What a nob.

You've only seen the tip of the iceberg

I feel this is the case too. What a weasel of a man, he doesn't deserve you OP.

OP I have been following your thread and you have had so much great advice. One thing I haven’t seen though, and forgive me if I’ve missed it, is anything from your DH to the OW explicitly cutting off contact from her and telling her why. Just avoiding and blocking her isn’t really addressing the issue.

The proof you need that he values you and your marriage above everything is him telling the OW in absolute terms that contact is over between them. He needs to tell her what he’s told you about how he got into what ever they had in the first place. It will be humiliating for him and he will have to face her anger too, but he owes you that. I would see that as a minimum requirement.

So agree.
They think they are so cute and original but infact they are clones of each other in their total un-originality!🙄

Hence why it is call The Script and why it is so helpful to be aware of it and ahead of their game playing.

Hi OP.

Just RTFT. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with so many posters who have said you come across as really smart and caring - the support you've had is MN at its best.

Sorry things took a negative turn once the holiday ended. You've had so many great insights but the one that's stayed with me is from @Itsamountainof

The pathetic/imagined 'you emasculated me by becoming more financial stable and not sharing your windfall' mindset.

He just doesn't get it. And doesn't want to get it. And that means you're trying to review and potentially rebuild on very unstable or shifting foundations.

You deserve happiness, OP. I'm rooting for you. 🌺

OP you are living one of my biggest fears and honestly you are handling it with such grace and aplomb (even if you don't feel you are) that i could never hope to achieve.
You are such a strong person that I know you'll be OK, it will just take time. We stand with you ❤️

have you shared this with anyone yet op in RL?

how old are your children?

I am going to say something, & I am absolutely not trying to let him off the hook.
But I think he deleted these old messages, to get rid, to remove the evidence, the memory & in his mind, wipe the slate.
I understand that covering it up is a lie, a pointless, thoughtless stupid move.
As someone so rightly said up thread, he has destroyed your "safe place", where you knew the boundaries, what was real, what was true.
Unfortunately it does look like the script, the cycle, so he thought you were getting over the chaos he created & he has started to relax.
Accusing you of being controlling is laughable.
Asking for the truth is not controlling, asking to stop the subterfuge is not controlling.
I hope the councelling helps

i get the impression your children are teens Op

they will be wondering what the hell is going o. and probably feeling very unsettled

you need to make talking to them a priority

He knows I will leave him but he says that it’s a principle thing and he isn’t going to do something that he thinks is the wrong thing just because I want him to.

I just don’t understand him at all. He says one thing then seems to do another. He’s now saying that I need help with my anger issues. I’ve told him that anyone in their right mind would be fucking angry if their spouse betrayed them. He then shook his head at me and said that I have a filthy mouth. Fucking knob.

I don’t want anything from the business, I only want my share of our joint finances. I agree that he may not be reasonable about this given what I’ve seen over the last few days although he is still saying that everything is ours.

Thank you I will take advice. I don’t want anything from the business, just my share of our joint assets.

Thanks for the advice I will bear it in mind. He keeps saying that if we tell them they will be absolutely fine and he doesn’t know what I’m making a drama about. I’ve told him to crack on then. Funnily enough it’s still not come up.

I’ve told him to go ahead.