My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday. Remember, " none of us is promised a tomorrow". So find a wee bit of joy for yourself 🫂 x

You are right. It seems so difficult to find the joy in anything at the minute but it’s definitely there when I look at my dc and the beautiful place we’re in. We’re heading home and back to reality to start the real work now. Part of me is dreading it but I know I’m ready however this all pans out.

Thank you so much for your kind and wise words. You are lovely and have given me a real boost when I most need it. I will never, ever forget your kindness and wisdom and that of every other woman on this thread who have all helped me so much when I was at my lowest ebb. Trying not to cry writing this but I feel I have truly experienced the best of humanity here. You are all amazing. Thank you.

I for one am relieved this thread didn't turn into a derailed bitch fest.

Good luck op, I guess another journey begins now with your return to real life.

Keep this thread for you not your husband.

X

Best of luck OP i wish you well and please come back if you need support/chat/vent/moan etc as your not alone. Were all invested in saving your marriage now & hopefully your husband will be too. Sending a big hug. Hard work starts here x

Just checking in, hope you're home and doing ok. I've been thinking about you x

I too have been thinking of you and wondering how you’re doing, @PleaseVipersHelpMe.

Oh my goodness, your timing is impeccable!

I’ve actually been doing ok. We’ve spoken more than we have in years. Dh has been doing his best to make me feel better. He’s been apologetic and answering questions and he has finally given me full access to phone etc.

Except he hasn’t. I’ve just caught him lying again. He deleted some WhatsApp messages yesterday which I only found out when he fessed up after a convoluted series of lies about how he didn’t understand iCloud until I found a series of notifications about iCloud logins in his emails. It’s heartbreaking but it’s over. We’re supposed to be at counselling on Weds and I can’t decide whether to go or whether to just sack it off and leave him to it and book my own counselling. I am so angry. Even if I could forgive the other lies, I can’t forgive this. I’m supposed to be back and work tomorrow and I don’t think I can face it. Why does he have to be such a knob?

Sorry I missed this post in my frenzied state. Thanks so much for checking in. Update above. TLDR: Dh is still a lying fucker

@PleaseVipersHelpMe oh no - who was he messaging?

I am so sorry to hear this, I really thought you would get through this and hopefully, be one of the lucky ones to save your marriage. Was he still messaging her? You deserve much better, reading these threads is so depressing. What is wrong with men! Big hugs xxx

Oh no! We were all so optimistic for you @PleaseVipersHelpMe

At least you know where you’re at now and can move forward having done your best and given it every chance.

Take control, see a solicitor, and file for divorce on the .gov website. Put your business head on and prepare for the financial negotiations with a view to securing your future.

He says they were old messages. I hadn’t found anything when I looked through but I’d only had a cursory look so how am I to know? I know he hasn’t been messaging her as he has literally been with me every second. He’s apparently trying to retrieve them now. I’ve told him not to fucking bother as it doesn’t make an iota of difference to me now. It’s the lies that have broken me. Even the iCloud stuff - ‘Oh so how did you do that? I’m such a tech idiot’. When he’d bloody been in there about 10 times. The fucking fucker.

Thank you that’s excellent advice. That’s my plan for this week sorted.

No he wasn’t messaging her. I’m pretty sure if that. He said they were more old messages but won’t elaborate on the content, which could be true but how would I know. He’s trying to retrieve them now but even if he does. I don’t care. How can I ever trust him when he lies as easily as breathing?

When I left my DH I always said it wasn't the affair it was the blatant lying about it that actually did it for me.

OP take a breath, your justifiably angry. He is a moron but if you genuinely feel he has not been messaging her - i think you need to know why he's deleted them. I'd imagine he's either guilty of saying something he know he shouldn't have/ashamed and embarrassed of what he's said/ doesn't want you to see and cause more hurt for you. He must be vulnerable with open communication and tell you what was in them and his reason for deleting them he needs to start taking responsibility for his actions and recognise he owes you an explication. He definitely needs individual counselling to work out why he "acts" the way he does. But keep communication open i think part of his actions will be based on him "panicking " & so he should be, his lies I'd imagine are part of him being probably being scared/petrified your going to leave him - but he has to see these lies have consequences just like his emotional affair (im still don't think he gets it) but he like yourself is probably terrified of what his future looks like and wanted rid of evidence that makes him feel bad/guilty. On this journey he is likely to make more mistakes but he is currently not a "safe" person for you at the moment. Is there someone/hotel he can go and stay at for a while to give you some space/time to think?

In the meantime Yes you should see a solicitor and take copies of all important documents ie P60s/business accounts etc

Check his archived messages on whatsapp

@PleaseVipersHelpMe, it appears that his ‘turning point’ which you described above — his tears, devastation, apology, contrition, and grand gesture of the trip — were hollow dramatics. Although well aware that you require and expect his complete honesty and full transparency, as soon as you arrived home he proceeded to delete and repeatedly lie.

As I stated earlier, his self-serving, egocentric qualities are still present. This latest stunt shows that he is determined to control your narrative and obstruct your access to the truth. As the injured spouse, you get to decide what you need to be able to process this trauma. You had every right to see those messages, but despite all his pretty words, he felt entitled to sabotage you.

I am really sorry, @PleaseVipersHelpMe.

This is very much the case for me too. I can’t bear to see him bullshit me over and over again for sn easy life. Thank you for understanding.

I think this is all true but I just can’t take the lies. He is currently saying that he will not give me access to his phone or anything as I will never get over it and he can’t live like this. He has made his position very clear. He says it will be different if the counsellor says otherwise but I’m unsure what has been said to the counsellor as I keep asking him to forward me the booking emails and he hasn’t yet.

This is so true. Unfortunately he’s putting his own need for control and an easy life before me and our relationship. I can’t forgive this.

Also thank you - I think you’ve had him sussed from the start.

So he’s back to blocking access. He is punishing you, disrespecting your agency, and showing once again that he has no true remorse.

Any reputable relationship counselor would strongly advise the cheater to:
+Cut contact with OW/OM
+Provide full transparency of all messages and open access to all devices and statements
+Be willing to patiently discuss the affair and listen whenever the betrayed partner needs to cry and vent
+Engage in IC

It is despicable that he is still marginalizing you via his agenda to protect their relationship, interactions and secrets.

Sorry to say, the trust is gone. OP needs to look after her own sanity.
Once you have to keep checking his phone repeatedly, the relationship is too broken. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be transparent but his behaviour is messing OP about too much. I wish they could fix their long marriage, but the latest update is showing how much OP is suffering and I'm not sure trying to set her DH on the path of truth will work

I'm so sorry OP. It's the lying, and it will drive you mad wondering why he cannot seem to understand that it's the lying. You have told him it's the lying, and then he lies and is shocked that it's a big deal because he didn't think that thing was important/it was an old message/he doesn't remember doing that on and on blah blah blah. If it isn't getting through to him at this time, then it's hard to see that part changing. Which is infuriating because on one hand it's such a stupid blockhead hill for him to die on when he's doing everything else right, but still relationship ending because you don't know when and what you can trust him on.