My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

Your post was really useful. It helps to know that I’m not the only one going through this. It makes me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing and I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

The reality finally seems to have hit dh. The woman messaged him a couple of days ago: He came to me, asked me to plese not be angry and told me and showed me the message as he had promised he would. It was prettty innocuous but related to something that he had been showing off about in much earlier texts. A definite conversation starter.

For some reason this seems to have brought it all home to dh. He was devastated and ever since has been lovely and contrite and apologetic. He was in tears and truly seems to be accepting now of what he had done. He is desperate to make things up to me - not just saying he us but doing nothing. He planned and booked a fabulous trip yesterday and really thought of everything. It was actually a lovely family day.

We’ve still got a long way to go but I feel some hope.

Thank you for your kind words and advice.

Thank you so much this is very true. I think it has finally hit dh and he is very ashamed of the way he has behaved.

I will definitely be having counselling when I get back, I need to get it all out somehow. Thank you again for your kind words and advice.

More great advice. Thank you so much, I will suggest this.

I’m afraid to show him the thread as I have been so very open about my feelings and our situation. He would be surprised and shocked by that. I’m usually quite contained and deal with things myself but this just felt too big and too much to handle without help. I don’t think he would be happy though. I think he would see this as a betrayal equal to his.

It was a great post. Thank you, I’m getting there.

Agree with everything you have said. I’m hoping he is getting there but time will tell. Thank you for your advice.

OP that's good news the penny is finally dropped for him i glad for you & your family. I hope he did not reply as he really needs to block her number, employees should only be contacting him at work. Hopefully he has been accessing other websites to assist him in making progress (he needs to see them as a tool to recovery). I hope your communication style is such that he is able to tell you what "other" techniques he is putting in place for recovery and that he truly get the damage he has caused not just thinking another holiday will sort it. Btw don't be surprised if your anger lasts a long time or you keep talking to him because until you heal fully (if that's ever possible) you will need to continue communicating about this and he has to be fully on board with it being brought up until you are ready to stop discussing it. Hopefully he has looked at the sites/books suggested. Good luck and i do believe with the right input/hard work from him he can save this marriage.

Op just seen your reply " I’m afraid to show him the thread as I have been so very open about my feelings and our situation. He would be surprised and shocked by that. I’m usually quite contained and deal with things myself but this just felt too big and too much to handle without help. I don’t think he would be happy though. I think he would see this as a betrayal equal to his."

Its no where near the same betrayal but I really suggest you show him (i know it feels weird when you have been able to cope/deal with problems yourself) but to really connect again you have to BOTH be and show a level of vulnerability (that's difficult if not used to it in your marriage) Communication is really key here for you both. It's all done anonymously so he has nothing to feel betrayed about. Please communicate fully in the past your relationship was not so open to communication or you'd have known about his EA & it was the wrong communication style for you both so maybe being honest/vulnerable is something you could both try one of you has to lead it

Another thought OP he said "don't be angry" when he showed you she had messaged him. Firstly he should have blocked her and secondly does he not understand anger is just you showing built up pain/hurt. He really needs to understand this and know it's ok for you to be angry he has to manage this without feeling attacked it's a consequence of his actions. Equal to him saying he feels guilt and shame unless he communicates how that guilt and shame makes him feel you will not really understand. I really feel very open communication is the key to recovery here

So he broke down with shame after receiving OW’s message, which was related to something he had previously been peacocking about. She felt comfortable reaching out during his family trip. Perhaps he could clearly see the havoc he has wreaked — orchestrating an illicit relationship and treating OW like his special girlfriend who relished being the recipient of his affection and bravado.

Proceed with caution, @PleaseVipersHelpMe. Maybe he has seen the light, but the truth is he did weaken his boundaries for OW and was hugely validated by their dynamic, and was happy to mistreat you in the process. His
self-serving appetite for external adoration hasn’t gone anywhere, and will be lurking under the surface. If he doesn’t do the necessary work on himself, he can easily be a repeat offender.

Firstly, thank you for all of your posts. They are all frank, enlightening and to the point as usual.

I don’t know if he has accessed any further support from SI or similar. My gut would be that he hasn’t but he is committed to answering questions and has apologised repeatedly for his actions. He is now happy for me to ask the same things over and over again. He has been a little frustrated when I don’t always believe the answers but understands thar will take time and consistency. I also think that he is committed to trying to understand his behaviour in his own way. The change has been like night and day over the last couple of days.

He asked me what he should do re the text and I suggested that he just ignore. I don’t want him to speak to her at all but I also don’t want her to know the devastation they have caused to me.

The ‘don’t be angry’ was likely a bit unfair but the truth is I wasn’t at all, I was relieved. It confirmed to me that he had told the truth when he said there hadn’t been any communication at all since the last text, and that he would do what he said (at least for now). I am actually glad she sent it as I think he was still telling himself that it meant nothing. Seeing her sounding him out like this made him realise that she definitely thought there was more to it. It also made him realise that she is in his emails as he had arranged to go back to the room at that time for a Teams with another colleague so she knew I wouldn’t be around.

Re the thread, I know in my heart that you are right but I’m just not there yet. This has been and still is my safe space to vent and talk through my feelings. I have already felt and been so vulnerable in all of this and I’m just not ready to give any more yet. Perhaps in a few months I may feel differently. I do want to practice what I preach and be open and honest with him but I need a bit more from him first.

Thank you again for your insight and support. It has been truly invaluable to me.

I think this is spot on actually.

I’m not expecting him to be a changed man all of a sudden but I do feel that there had been a shift in how he sees his actions. This will be a very slow process and he is aware of this. And that at the end of it I still may not be able to forgive. He says that he understands that and wants to try. While I’m still somewhat sceptical, I can’t ask any more than he is doing at this stage.

Thank you again for your advice and support, it is appreciated.

Seeing her sounding him out like this made him realise that she definitely thought there was more to it.

Of course she did and does. He was pursuing her, saying romantic words, and making caring gestures. They were building that intimacy when all the while she was interacting with you and visiting your home. He made her believe that she is his priority.

How is he going to handle her attempts to engage? Will he ignore her and keep a professional distance or will he actually tell her that he was out of line and regrets being disrespectful to you?

OP you do know of this was within a normal corporate environment your DH would have most likely been fired.

There was clearly an imbalance of power here and I'm horrified at his abuse of his position.

I am really glad you are doing ok, you sound like a lovely person.

As a lone parent I just wanted to say if it doesn't work out the way you hope, it will be ok. You sound strong and resilient, the main things you need to move on...either way.

👍

I think you must be the most level headed and reasonable human I have ever had the pleasure to read about. Just going through all your posts again. You are amazing 👏. Truly.
Out of curiosity what is your job?
💐 🌹

I haven’t commented previously and can’t really add to the excellent advice already given. You sound great and I hope that whatever the outcome you get a happy future you deserve.

However, I would strongly advise you not to share this thread with your husband especially as you anticipate he would see this as an equal betrayal (which it isn’t). By all means share aspects of your thoughts which you have expressed here but please keep this as a safe space for you and your feelings.

He says he will ignore and keep his distance. He’s made moves to ensure that she is no longer a direct report while he considers the options and he has said that he will not reply to any contact - email, text, phone call without consulting with me. He doesn’t think she will push and to be honest I can’t see it either. She doesn’t come across as a needy sort of woman. He doesn’t want to say anything directly and I can live with that. It’s the cowards way out but it doesn’t surprise me.

Agree with this 100% and I have said as much. A bit of me still hopes she takes him to the cleaners as it’s no less than he deserves.

Wow, I honestly cannot believe that you think that. Since all this happened I have never felt as adrift and out of control in my life. I feel like I have become an anxious, angry, emotional, crazy person that I don’t recognise and don’t actually like very much.

I’d prefer not up disclose my job after all if the other outing info but I’m in middle management in a corporate environment.

Thank you. I definitely will for now. I really need the space to sound out my thoughts.

So is he still denying it was an emotional affair? And pretending he wouldn’t have taken it further?

You are doing really well, it must be so difficult. I just can’t see how you can ever trust him again. 😢

Ok, thats fair enough!! Well I think you should think about joining NATO or a similar organisation. 😂
If you have time a few weeks from now you should read back on all your posts and feel proud of your decorum. I don't think I would have been as errmm, classy as you have been. 😇

Unfortunately he is. He seems to think there is no such thing. And yes, he is still insisting it would have gone no further. I’m hoping that he has a further breakthrough in counselling but if not, I’m prepared to move on.

Thanks for the kind words.

You wouldn’t have said that earlier when dd was playing music and I ended up sobbing in the bathroom to Olivia Rodrigo and Taylor Swift. I’ve never really paid much attention when she raved about their songwriting abilities but ‘You didn’t cheat but you’re still a traitor’ hit pretty hard today🤣

That is really kind of you to say. I will definitely have to read back at some point. A lot of this past week and a half since I first found out is a blur and it will be nice to have an account of everything that has happened for my own sanity. Thank you for your kind words and support, it is so appreciated.