My dh has been messaging a colleague. Please can I have some practical and moral support

[PleaseVipersHelpMe]

NC but been here forever. Not really sure why as he would recognise the whole thing in an instant but I need the help and I’d rather he didn’t know. Please can I ask for some support?

I’m on holiday and finally plucked to the courage to ask my dh to let me see his phone. Told him it’s because I was feeling jealous of this woman (true). He let me, but obviously didn’t realise that he has to delete his deleted messages from the recently deleted file and I found quite a lot but only up till about 3 months ago, nothing before. Him telling her that he misses her. Texting when he was away telling me how much he misses me. Telling her that she’s one of the greatest people he has ever met. That he wants her in his life. Then arranging to pick her up from her house on his mid-life crisis car that i stupidly encouraged him to treat himself to. I feel so fucking stupid.

I took screenshots of everything and send them to myself but he’s insisting that nothing happened, that she was just his friend and he’s crossed the line but no affair. I haven’t found anything in emails or what’s app either. Is there anywhere else I can check without alerting him. I have full access to bank accounts and nothing untoward there so far but we don’t have online banking for one account (I can check that when I get home).

I feel so betrayed but the fact that he’s lying to me is worse. He’s treating me like an idiot. He insinuated in the texts that he was going to get her a company car but is saying he hasn’t actually done it. Funnily enough emails seem to be missing re this. He’s clearly been deleting calls from his call log but I don’t know whew do look to find them and I’m pretty sure they will be all gone now if not before. I know he’s lying is there anywhere I can look to find evidence of this? He won’t let me have the phone without him being there now.

I know it won’t make me feel better but it will make me feel like I’ve outsmarted him a bit and I wave him to feel as on edge as I do. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and I’m trying to be normal for the kids but I’ve just been sick. I’m supposed to go out for fucking dinner with them all now and be normal. I‘m trying so hard to not upset the kids, they deserve better. This is horrendous. I’ve honestly told so many women on here what to do in this situation but I can’t believe this has happened to me. How could he do this. Any why does he think that shagging her is worse than lying to me? Thanks in advance for any help, and for reading ny ridiculous essay. I will respond to and replies as and when I can after dinner.

Thank you so much this is excellent advice.

I will speak to a solicitor when we get home just so I know where the land lies. It will definitely help if I feel prepared for every eventuality.

I haven’t mentioned the car it was him who suggested getting rid. I don’t actually think it’s because he thinks it will upset me but because it’s another reminder of his stupidity. I should have said, he does also have a sensible company car that isn’t a knobmobile.

I think I will try the counselling session but won’t tolerate any mention of unmet needs at this stage. In fairness I have a fucking huge list. If only he cleaned the toilet. If only he didn’t leave his pants on the bedroom floor. If only he cared about my emotional wellbeing. If only he was kinder to me. If only he hadn’t been trying to shag another woman.

I am far too angry to have someone that we are paying to help us allow him to not accept the severity of what he has done. I am happy to discuss the issues in our marriage. But I’m not happy for them to be used as an excuse for his actions. I was in the same marriage and I managed not to cheat.

I will order the book when I get home and start writing my values today. I did a values exercise at work recently so I will also dig those out. I’m sure that loyalty, honesty and family were in there. Thank you again for the advice and support it is very appreciated.

This Is very true. And i still don’t think he can actually acknowledge it. Thank you for your advice.

In absolute fairness, that’s what it’s proven to be.

Thank you. This is how I feel.

He hadn’t heard of emotional affairs and at this stage isn’t willing to accept that is what he is guilty of. I’ve sent him a link and told him that the site has really helped me shdvu think it could help him too. I will ask if he has read it later.

I hope that he knows that I will leave if I’m not happy with how he is responding, but I think he thinks the couples counselling is enough. If it helps him to understand then it may be enough but only time will tell. At this stage I’m not holding my breath.

Thank you again for the advice and support.

You have two options. Stay with the liar and forever more be paranoid every time he is on his phone, working late etc. Or take off your wedding rings, kick him out and give him something to think about.

Regardless of whether it’s a physical affair, you’ve got evidence of an emotional one. Have you spoken to him?

@Fuckitalldifferent has it spot on. Take your time OP. You don’t need to do anything right now. It will take time to process.

There will always be people (and posters on here) who will tell you to chuck him out right now and who think they know best. They know nothing about your husband or your situation. Be gentle on yourself and direct your energy towards caring for yourself. You will get through this.

I nearly posted before as your situation was so similar to mine from a few years ago. I didn’t as I’m always wary of giving too much information so that someone I know realises it’s me (but that’s probably silly as there’s a lot of people in the world!).
Now I’ve read the full thread and there are even more similarities (although differences too).
I do want to say that you not being able to eat or sleep is a natural reaction - for me it took about 3 weeks & I lost a stone in weight (I was a size 8/10 beforehand). My eating and weight got back to normal quite quickly but I struggled to sleep properly for a long time after and used meditation style apps to help. This was a godsend as being tired while dealing with it all made it much worse.
I also want to say that I’m proud of you. I’m sure this sounds odd from someone you don’t know but you are handling this extremely well. You’ve got this, I have no doubt in that however this pans out.
I really feel for you having to deal with this when you don’t have parents. I know not everyone has a good relationship with them but I can fully relate to the feeling of just wanting to chat to my mum about things and not being able to. She has helped to shape who you are and would be very proud of you.
I don’t want to scare you but it may not be true that your inheritance is protected. My understanding was if you are married everything is seen as shared irrespective of whose name it is in. You’ve said you’ll seek legal advice when home which you must do as a priority. Good luck, you don’t deserve what you are going through.

Oh OP I really feel for you and know how you feel. Two years ago I found my H on a dating website. I do not know how far it went although am 90% sure he never met up with anyone. He was also on a massive ego trip too and it all made him look pathetic. I felt like you, he may as well had a full blown affair and in a way this was worse because it wasn't full on cheating yet the intent was there. He downplayed it and thought it wasn't that much of a big deal. We tried counselling for one session but I was too angry with him to hear his bullshit.

As a woman who has been on here many years and have read many others come on here saying leave him, I would kick him out immediately etc when it actually happens to you it is not so clear cut and that is very hard to get your head around.

For me I went back and forth and back and forth. We initially split for a few months then got back for a few but I still had all this anger and hurt. So we split again last year for 9 moths then got back together at Xmas. May be I am a fool, may be not but those months of him being alone I do think he finally realised just what he had done and how much he had hurt me. I hate being judged by others who know us for my choice as I would judge others for going back too yet it is a very personal decision. On the whole I try not to think about it too much and you have try and let it go if you stay but it is incredibly hard. He has to know how much he hurt you and be willing to do everything to make it right not eye roll or fob you off. The problem is can he ever really know how you feel?

I saw that post before it was deleted. You’re spot on !!

@PleaseVipersHelpMe you have had some amazing advice from sensible people. I just wanted to tell you that I ended what I thought was a happy marriage of 20 years - together 26 over an emotional affair.

The choice to discuss things with me was always there, but when I found out that was the end for me. Shutters were down and the relationship finished. My ex husband always knew an affair was a line not to cross.

7 years on and I am with an amazing man who treats me with love, respect and is just a gem of a human. I feel loved, I feel like its a partnership.

Please dont settle.

I have spoken to him extensively. And I’m not 100% happy with the answers at this stage.

I am still considering how to proceed but tbh I don’t think your approach is far wrong. Thank you.

I am taking my time and not making any firm decisions yet, but to be honest his actions at this point aren’t showing me that he’s sorry. He’s still minimising what he’s done and I can’t move on until he accepts how wrong his behaviour was.

I am trying to take care of myself. Thank you for your advice and kind words.

I am probably re-posting something I have posted on another thread, but I think it is worth doing it again. A dear friend of mine was in a similar situation, but worse, he had a physical relationship with the OW. She was egged on by her family, chuck him, chuck him. She did. Overnight her life turned into a nightmare of courts, no maintenance paid, more courts, court judgement made but not enforced/performed, and the guy dropping his job 'over stress' not to pay a penny, he started living with his rich parents. Their child is now disturbed with all the stuff, she started stuttering and is on meds. Her life was destroyed literally. She is very good-looking, slim, eloquent, a wonderful human being - a picture to look at and she was unable to find anyone to partner with, none at all, after a string of rubbish dates (it has been 10 years). Speaking plainly, there are not many takers for divorcees (either male or female, btw) with baggage in the form of children and problems. I find MN endless posts of 'you will find a person who would love and appreciate you' disingenuous and fake at best and unrealistic at worst. OP, think carefully. I don't know, maybe you are the high earner and he is not, then everything I said above is irrelevant, but think carefully before you do anything. You can preserve financial stability and not let the OW inherit half of what should be yours by staying with him and leading separate lives sexually, with mutual polite consent.

Thank you so much for your perspective and for sharing your story. I hope that you have managed to fully recover from what he put you through. I’ve also been concerned about being identified but have still shared far too much info. It just helps me to get it out and talk it through.

I do wish my mum was here but she’s still here in spirit telling me not to take any shit from him. And I will definitely be seeking legal advice.

Thank you again.

I've been following this thread and I think you are handling yourself with strength and grace.

I can't help but feel it doesnt matter which way you try and look at it, there's something very wrong with HIM not you marriage. You don't need relationship counselling HE needs to stop living in denial of the person he actually is.

Your DH runs a successful business, successful enough to employ people, provide company cars etc.

You inherited some money and put it into a high interest account for now so it can work for itself.

Your DH has issues with not having free access to this money.

Your DH isn't living in financial abuse from you, his money needs are met by whatever wage he pays himself and you actively encouraged him to treat himself to his midlife crisis car.

Whilst whizzing about in his midwife crisis car, he got SO angry you won't immediately give him access to the inheritance account and sees this as an unforgivable imbalance in your marriage he decided what he needs to do to make himself feel the Big Man or punish you is seduce his younger member of staff with his midlife crisis wagon, promises of very nice company cars and endless emotionally invested messages (of the kind he knows he used to say/send to you and made you very happy/love him)

He believes you and your selfishness with the inheritance and the arguments about it are to blame for his behaviour....

He also believes that what he did to boost his ego because of this to this lack of inheritance access doesn't matter/doesn't count/was nothing because he didn't actually LIKE this younger woman, he was just flexing his flirt muscle to see IF he could get her by saying the things he did and offering a car etc

In his mind only full sexual contact constitutes infidelity or crossing the line. Everything else is on the table, it doesnt matter what you said, what you did with the other person as long as you didn't touch and didn't reeeeally mean it. This OW was just a dartboard he was practising his aim with to prove he can still hit a bullseye.

Therefore, in his eyes, you're making a big deal out of a whole lot of nothing and he's apologised for it so you should accept that and move on. If you insist there's some talking to be done, he will accept examining your MARRIAGE (to see where he needs weren't being met and how you drove him to have to soothe his wounded hurty bits in some way) He refuses to examine himself or actually really think about how his 'target practice' has made anyone else feel, not you, not the OW and not eventually when they found out, you kids. He stole something from you all to feed his own ego.

He can't accept if what he is saying about just saying those thing to the OW but not meaning them (he didn't fancy her, just part of his target practise games), is true, it is just AS BAD as if he did mean them, because its disgusting, nasty, manipulative, user, self serving behaviour. Who can be that entitled to fuck around with other peoples feelings that way purely to blow smoke up his own arse?

Thing is, I think you suspect he did mean them, and this is how he is trying to excuse himself/minimise, but his defence is just as fucking awful, hurtful and horrible and a reflection that there's something wrong with how his brain works and he can't even see that.

I have read through since the beginning & @PleaseVipersHelpMe you are doing so well.

So much positive & helpful feedback, yet again I am in awe of MNetters.

Two small comments stood out for me.

’Dh has actually had a vasectomy (his call, not mine)’ I was relived to read this as I had a momentary notion that his colleague preparing for IVF may invite him to be her sperm donor…as a friend. Not an uncommon occurrence, seemingly simple & altruistic, but potentially complex further sown the line.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe One thing you did mention was an Ex or one time suitor getting in touch, & you openly rebuffing him, so your DH has an idea about loyalty & maintaining strong boundaries. I wonder how your DH reacted to another man’s approaches to you? Did he mind, have a sense of unease? We’re you open about the process of rejecting the other man because that is your way or perhaps your DH needed you to show him that he was safe & sound with you in an exclusive relationship?

I wonder about the time line of all these events that you have mentioned: sadly your mother’s death, your one time suitor, the new car etc…& then seemingly the extra curricular engagement with his colleague.

One thing I would do is take a forensic look at the company accounts - you all depend upon the success of the business & it’s viability. It is not unreasonable for peace of mind to know how well the business is doing. I’d do this openly but must admit I would get a copy of the accounts & records beforehand so that I was better prepared & would also know if he was covering up.

Also you want sight of all legal advice & documentation relating to said colleague leaving the business - correspondence, emails, texts, payments made, contracts signed.
If she plays hard ball, you may find out more than he would like to know. After all, she has sight of his emails etc.

Whether you stay together or not is down to you both & will take time to determine. But this whole escapade is going to cost your DH dear in many ways as he has exposed himself now to some forensic scrutiny (from you & Mnetters). Maybe he needs his own counselling to help him understand how he got himself in this fix. Don’t be surprised if the couples counsellor brings this out early on.

Not sure if I am going against the grain here, and will probably be blasted now, but I think you should consider counselling - together and both of you alone before doing anything irreversible. I say this because, despite what others say, your children ARE at very vulnerable times in their lives and if this is ‘no more’ than a fantasy in your DH’s head (none of the texts talk about being in love, I think, from what you’ve said, so I’m not getting the sense of clandestine meetings and steamy clinches in the stockroom, just him sending flowery texts?).

I think, if it genuinely seems as though no contact was made, there is a chance that this was not really about ‘her’ and actually she may not really mean anything to him. If he is having a midlife crisis, if the balance of the marriage has been off because you’ve both been concentrating on work/mortgage the kids’s exams/university, he may have genuinely have felt displaced, or have self esteem issues etc that are at the root of all this. I am not saying that he isn’t a selfish and immature dick, or that what he has done isn’t totally fucked up, BUT if there has been no intimacy - and perhaps she has just been opportunist in milking his attention for that car, for career progression etc - then MAYBE some intensive therapy and a review of what your marriage means to each of you is worth considering before throwing a grenade into your 15yo’s GCSEs or your older DCs first year at university.

I think I’d just caution against a knee jerk response before you’ve both had a chance to talk to a therapist or, even, real life friends who really know you both and have a little more insight than strangers here (however supportive) into where your lives are at and what your marriage is like because they now you both. Some couples do some back from an almost-affair and can even have a stronger marriage for it. Not saying you won’t get to separation and divorce eventually anyway, but taking the gradual, measured path to that would be better for your mental health, a less acrimonious divorce settlement, and eae the children in gently to the new order.

Just my two pence worth.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m glad you managed to find a way forward for you. I was very much the same. I always knew exactly what I would do in this situation but then it happened and completely knocked me off my feet. I certainly don’t judge you. Whatever your decision I think you have to be truly brave and accept a completely new way of life. You’re a survivor to have come through it either way. Thank you again.

Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope. I’m so glad you made the right decision for you and are happy. You deserve it.

My god this is such scare mongering. As someone who has been through divorce, no it's not easy, but you are living an honest life with integrity, instead of make believe. Your scenario isn't a marriage, it's an arrangement. OP signed up to a marriage of love, integrity and respect, why should she settle for an arrangement just because her husband can't remain loyal. If she wanted a swingers relationship presumably she would have signed up for that in the first place!

He is the high earner after I took several years out to raise the dc, but I work ft and do ok. I wouldn’t expect maintenance due to the ages of the dc and I think he would go 50/50 so he shouldn’t need to pay me anything. He truly isn’t a bad dad even if he is a shit husband. Plus we’ve enough in equity after so many years that we would both be able to have a home. Not as nice a home for me, but a home nonetheless.

I can see what you are saying, but I just don’t think I could live like that. I’m not really expecting to meet someone else and live happily ever after. I think I’m too grumpy and jaded for all of that!! But I have good friends and I have decided that I must confide in them, even though I have been reluctant so far to do so. I need them and I dont care what they think of him now.

If dh is stupid enough to give the ow what should belong to my dc then that is on him. They will receive a decent sum from me and they will be made aware that their df is a weak and pathetic man without me having to tell them.

That being said, I’m not rushing into anything. I have time to suss out my options and decide where to go from here, And I will bear all of this in mind, thank you. I hope your friend is doing ok now. Her ex is a real nasty piece of work.

I think that if he has to face up to what he’s done then he really is that sad old cliche that has hurt his wife with his mid-life crisis. I don’t think he is ready to accept that he is that man

I think you have hit the nail on its very simple head with this statement. Isn't it mindblowing that he would risk his marriage and daughters stability, expectations of their own relationships in future and general wellbeing because of stupid ego? The same ego that got him into this mess.
I think waiting for the couples counseling is very sensible and never mind you doing it independently, it's him who needs it! As you say, how can he assure you it won't happen again if he doesn't understand the gravity of what he's done? Or refuses to admit to himself what he's done.
I'm rambling but really I just want to say, no matter how difficult this period is or what you decide to do, you will be fine. Your dd's will be fine because of you. You are amazing, do not let his weakness make you forget that. I hope he realises what he stands to lose and let's go of some of the pride that's holding him back.

Hang on one sec. So because you didn't put your inheritance into the joint account, it was a trigger for him to initiate inappropriate behaviour with another woman? I wonder what it is he will say you have done next in order to justify his inappropriate behaviour?

@PleaseVipersHelpMe I would also heed the general advice about not making significant life decisions within a year or two after a major bereavement.

Just saying that whatever you do now & medium term, it may be wise to be cautious about making hard & final decisions. Not throw the baby out with the bath water.

Take your time, make your terms.