1 child families + holidays + I don’t want to watch your kids

[Theseers]

It’s a running joke in our family that we attract the 1 child family every holiday we go on. I have 4 teens/children and I’m single so one adult. Without exception over the last 10 years every summer/beach holiday we’ve been on a lone child has somehow attached themself to us.

Im not a cold hearted bitch, I had 4 kids so I wouldn’t have to entertain them all the time and I get that there are a number of reasons someone may only have 1 child. But that doesn’t mean I want to look after them on my holiday.

We managed to get to day 4 this year before it happened, a boy of around 7/8 edged his way over encouraged my mum. My lot were playing a ball game in the pool and involved him after he gestured for the ball. Fine, but don’t then roll over on your sun bed and start reading your book ffs. He was then attached to my kids all afternoon, the next day we went to the pool in the AM for a morning swim and the beach for the PM, family appears next to us on the HUGE beach and plonks themselves down 20meters away, immediately the kid comes over and involves himself.

Ive lost count of the amount of holidays we’ve ended up having a tag along whose parents seem to be having a lovely relaxing holiday. I have returned children to the parents a few times, but they either just come back or stand there staring at my kids it’s bloody horrible.

I agree with this. My DD had a particular 'item' back in the mid noughties that she hadn't used/played with for about a year. DH took it upon himself to GIVE said item to a little girl DD had been playing with on and off for a few days just because DD hadn't used it/played with it for awhile! She was 1 year younger than her (DD was 8 and the girl was 7,) and she had only known the girl for 2 weeks!

DD went batshit. It was a Christmas gift 3 years earlier and it was HERS. DH had the mindset 'well she didn't pay for it - we did!' Dopey eejit. It was HERS!

He said DD was being unreasonable and bratty. I disagreed, and told him I would be going to that child's house later to get the item back. Before I could do it, her mother came round and said 'Hi fortnight, I'm sorry to ask this but did you give this to Anna? It's got to be worth quite a lot of money.' I told her what had happened, and she happily gave it back. Not sure what her DD said or did when she got back having taken said item back, but it was 100% DD's and NOT DH's to give away!

And yeah, you're right. children have the right to autonomy and the right to say 'that is MINE, I don't want to share it, or give it away!'

I agree on the autonomy point but it depends on the context. It's fine for kids to have special toys and treats that they don't want to share, but they can't use those things to lord it over others. Our rule is that we don't eat treats in front of others unless we're sharing them/they're having something too and we don't play with toys in front of our friends unless we're happy to share.

When DC1 was younger, I ended a playdate early because the host child wouldn't let him touch any of his toys and the mother didn't intervene.

Thank you, this perfectly articulates what I meant. Of course we didn't raise our only DD to think she had to share EVERY item she owned, which is what some posters seem to have interpreted me as saying! 🙄

Yeah, I didn't think you meant that. And I didn't mean that either! I don't think I said anything that indicated that!

I thought exactly that (but didn't say as much.) How weird to have 4 kids 'so they can entertain one another' and 'be company for one another.' It does sound like the OP can't be bothered with them herself.

I have to say (as I said in my post earlier,) I do find some parents with 3 or more children rather fond of dumping the kids on anyone who will have them. Even getting the older one or two to babysit the rest/get them from school etc...

A woman that lives about 10 houses away from me who has 4 kids - works about 50 hours a week, and the kids are constantly just hounding other families for entertainment and attention. I don't think I have seen her actually do anything with them in the 6 years she has lived there. They're just semi-feral, never in the house, and always rocking up to the houses of other kids - (usually the families with 1 child, and the 2-children families.)

You sometimes get similar with mothers who don't work, but are out a lot (at the pub/at the bingo/with their mates/with their latest bloke,) or who are in bed til 1pm, because they were out clubbing til 2am the night before.

This is the type of CF we are talking about.

Christ have just come back to this thread during lunch - to answer some questions

DS is 17 - he plays picking the younger kids up and throwing them. He isn’t comfortable doing that with other children who aren’t his siblings, very awkward when a random child is gesturing to be picked up and thrown, DS says no and their parents are just giving it the “oh it’s fine we don’t mind” (no but my son does?)

4 kids is the perfect team, they play pool volleyball together but then you have another kid wanting to circle in which means I have to referee one of my kids taking a turn out of their family game?

DD 8 wants me to constantly watch her diving or handstand or whatever else and now I have to make the same appreciative noises for another kid who wants to put on a show for me? Even when they weren’t playing and came to all sat down the random kid(s) just plonk themselves down with them or even worse sit 10ft away just looking at them.

It is uncomfortable, it is awkward, I wouldn’t mind so much if their parents were actually interacting with them!

Oh dear.

You are such a peach @Theseers! You just keep doing you and raise your kids to be exclusionary. 👏

Why are you refereeing a game when your eldest is 17 YEARS OLD? Or even needing to get involved in how he's interacting with other kids (not that you can even call him a kid at 17!)? If 8 yo DD or another kid is irritating you by wanting to show you everything they can do, just say so, "That's lovely darling but I'm just having a conversation right now, why don't you go and practise and I'll come and watch your handstands in a bit."

And you seriously feel the need to intervene regarding volleyball teams? Just tell them to work it out themselves. Or they can play something else. You cannot expect to have a private game in a public place, other kids are entitled to interact with your children and it's normal for them to do so- you're not a "magnet", you're just bringing kids to a public place with other kids.

You'd think with 4 kids you'd have learned not to be micromanaging them and closely supervising their interactions.

As a one child single parent I think you're making this up. Happens other way round tho🤣. Ok I believe you, but just say it doesn't suit etc , not hard

How weird to have 4 kids 'so they can entertain one another' and 'be company for one another.' It does sound like the OP can't be bothered with them herself.

I thought she meant she liked them in same place - as if they do play together it's often easier to keep an eye on them all.

It's harder when they all go off in different directions- and you are swivelling round trying to keep them all in view.

I used to find it exhausting at IL because they had view everyone was watching which in practise meant no-one but me was - so IL would want to chat to me and I'd be trying to keep three kids in view at same time - so your concentration being pulled in multiple directions.

My Dc do get on - not all siblings do and kids that joined in with them were often no bother - but if they caused upset with my kids that's often when I found it trying - or sitting down to a paid meal and being constantly bothered by other people kids particularly on days when I was struggling.

I'm not quite sure what the OP problems are specifically but it is upsetting her on her holiday and she perfectly entitled to feel annoyance and push back on that with any parents she encounters who do this with her - but she probably needs to focus on doing and having strategies for doing so that than generalising.

@AndForAFortnightThereWeWereForever unfortunately you get some very neglectful parents that think as soon as their dc can walk and talk, they can be unsupervised. The amount of times I have seen this is far too many. Some think it is fine for their small children to be left trailing far behind them while they're talking to another adult, or on their mobile phones. It is wrong, and the fact some think it is okay to leave small children unsupervised abroad next to a busy pool area is downright neglectful IMO. I suspect it is this type of parent who hasn't got a clue that their young child is at the other end of the pool area latching on to a family, who are actually paying attention to their kids.

You need to give 17 year old tools to say no - including completely not seeing any it's fine gestures - or a white lie last parent who said that blamed me when kid was hurt and got nasty - so don't do it - or to kid only do it for siblings go find your parent and ask them.

I wouldn't be stopping my kids from playing volley ball in those circumstances - ignore them the random kid will get the message - or tell them it's a family game and could they leave you alone.

If you don't want to appreciate other kids handstands - ignore them.

I think you may need to harder hearted. If you give any attention it make it more likely to happen.

At toddler groups I found other people kids would crawl into my lap and want to be read to - fine if my kids were happy - or I could read to both mine and them - other times it wouldn't work so would give book and child back to parent or find a distraction for child and focus on what my kids needed. I was there for my kids not random other people's.

Have families of four children made friends with your child while their parent wander off? Intriguing. I’ve had singles, pairs and three at one place but never four or more.

YABU and dont sound a nicefriendly person to be honest.
I bet the kids are attracted to your children and not by your charm.

whats wrong with welcoming children to join in with your kids. I would always welcome a lone kid to join in. Things are more fun with other people. even adults sometimes like to feel welcomed by others. Its human nature.

Imagine your a lone kid and want to join in. How would you feel?
imagine you go somewhere on your own and nobody welcomes you/

I wouldn't mind so much if their parents were actually interacting with them!

But OP, this is a parenting decision and not within your control. You can't make people interact with their children and parental interaction isn't always what kids need - sometimes they do just need to be left to get on with it and play independently.

What is in your power is how you and your kids respond to the situation. It's fine for your kids to say "actually we don't want to play just now" and, if that doesn't work, for you to ask the child/parents for some space. If I was made aware that my child was bothering yours, I'd tell them to play elsewhere/with someone else (and I'd monitor that since I expect my DC to do as they're told). But I wouldn't necessarily be turning on the all singing-all dancing parent entertainment mode either if it was independent playtime for us. I expect my kids, especially the older one, to entertain themselves sometimes and your presence wouldn't change that.

Yes agree! Of course kids need interaction and attention from their parents but we do them a massive disservice by not allowing them to interact with each other independently imo. They gain so much from peer to peer interaction that as parents we can't give them as easily, speaking up for themselves, making social decisions for themselves, negotiation, dealing with unpleasant social encounters etc

The child in the OP's post is 7/8. If they're a strong swimmer then tbh I wouldn't bat an eyelid at the parent reading. At this age they don't need to constantly have their eyes glued to them as long as they're within eyesight and intervening if something is going on. Helicoptering around kids and constantly being their court jester does nothing for their self-confidence.

I grew up at swimming pools most days and would never leave a 7 year old unsupervised in a pool.

'Letting other children in to play with your kids' is all well and good, but sadly, as some parents can confirm, this does often result in CF parents leaving the kids in the care of other parents for HOURS sometimes. (And often they don't know them very well, if at all.) And they often piss off and have a good time without the kids whilst some poor mug of a parent is looking after THEIR kids.

This happens a lot in some neighbourhoods, people dumping their kids on others - because they CBA with entertaining them, whilst using the cover 'oh my kids want to play with yours at YOUR house!'

Tale as old as time.

But the child wasn't unsupervised. Mum was right there by the pool. Yes I wouldn't leave my child at a swimming pool unattended but I'd let them swim whilst I read a book and keep one eye on them. This really just reads like OP was finding the child irritating more than their mum being reckless tbh which is a bit sad

Wow! And here I am foolishly telling my kids to be friendly and include other children in their games. 9 out of 10 times they include them themselves. Volley-ball dynamics, jiiz, are they training for sibling olympics? My kids have managed to play tennis being 7: 4 vs 3 or 5 smaller vs 2 big ones. If you let the children find a way to be inclusive and make up new rules they are perfectly capable! And if in middle of a game they'll say that they'll finish first and then x can join them. I think you should go to a deserted island with your children for your holiday so you don't have to meet anyone, or even worse befriend anyone..

@Youcantcallacatspider the comment by heaven was in response to a pp who stated 7 years olds don't require supervision at the pool

You don't have to referee anything
Sounds like none of your kids are toddlers so you're way past the stage of helicopter mummy having to make sure everyone is using kind hands and sharing nicely.
Just let the kids play and sort out their own friendships!
If they are already playing in teams, they can say no to another child joining in.
If your DS doesn't want to throw a random kid around, he can say no too.

Maybe you just need to channel the other parents, get your book out and ignore other people's children.

A child walking behind a parent whilst the parent chats is neglectful? Seriously?🚁🚁🚁

I'm guessing you've had very little interaction with basically any culture that isn't the overprotective nuclear family structure of the UK and USA...