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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say DH can’t see female friends alone?

137 replies

Namechange2764 · 21/07/2024 17:25

DH has some female friends I feel he is too friendly with. WIBU to say he can only see them in a group situation with others not one to one?

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 21/07/2024 18:08

If my husband said this to me with my male friends then it would be the end of my marriage. I’ve given him no reason not to trust me.

KeyWorker · 21/07/2024 18:08

YABU. You either trust him or you don’t. Unfortunately, it appears you don’t. That’s ok, whether there is a back story or not, but if you don’t then what’s the point continuing?

Wheresthebeach · 21/07/2024 18:09

Insanely controlling

ElleintheWoods · 21/07/2024 18:09

What does ‘too friendly’ mean?

Dictating who your partner can see, when and how is extremely controlling. If I would be in your partner’s shoes and you’d tell me that, I would be making plans to leave. And definitely see the friends you’ve told me not to see.

fruitbrewhaha · 21/07/2024 18:10

Gosh no. If you don’t trust him, leave him.

shuggles · 21/07/2024 18:16

If you marry men who talk to women, then there's always a risk that they will cheat with one of their female friends.

DickJagger · 21/07/2024 18:16

YABU and this is horrible controlling behaviour.

MassiveOvaryaction · 21/07/2024 18:18

YABU.

Kangarude · 21/07/2024 18:19

shuggles · 21/07/2024 18:16

If you marry men who talk to women, then there's always a risk that they will cheat with one of their female friends.

If you marry a man who is going to cheat, he will always find someone to cheat with. Friend or not

fortheveryfirsttime · 21/07/2024 18:20

shuggles · 21/07/2024 18:16

If you marry men who talk to women, then there's always a risk that they will cheat with one of their female friends.

That's a ridiculous thing to say.

ByWarmShark · 21/07/2024 18:21

You can say whatever you want. If he's going to have an affair he'll have an affair. The men I've known to cheat often have the wives who won't let them socialise with women (but that's probably because they're not to be trusted)

Pinkkisugarmouse · 21/07/2024 18:22

🤔 If it’s a woman he has an affair with before then I can understand why you would put your foot down there but to extend this to all women is unreasonable. If you think he’s this untrustworthy then I don’t see why he would follow your demands anyway. Trust him or leave him.

gamerchick · 21/07/2024 18:22

No, you don't get to do that OP.

Justcallmebebes · 21/07/2024 18:23

shuggles · 21/07/2024 18:16

If you marry men who talk to women, then there's always a risk that they will cheat with one of their female friends.

What? That's one of the most ridiculous things I've read on here and that's saying a lot.

How does one go through life without talking to members of the opposite sex?

Ginnnny · 21/07/2024 18:23

YABU.
if you don’t trust your husband around other women, that’s on you and maybe he shouldn’t be your husband.

YorkshireTeaBiscuits · 21/07/2024 18:23

You're an abusive control freak. Best thing you can do is walk away from this relationship and get some therapy to find out why you like to coercively control partners.

shuggles · 21/07/2024 18:29

Justcallmebebes · 21/07/2024 18:23

What? That's one of the most ridiculous things I've read on here and that's saying a lot.

How does one go through life without talking to members of the opposite sex?

The majority of men don't have any friends, let alone friends of the opposite sex.

Jesus' biggest miracle was being a 30 year old man with 12 close friends.

redskydarknight · 21/07/2024 18:29

cupcaske123 · 21/07/2024 18:05

They took advantage of my naivety trust. I was accused of being jealous one time as a close female friend was gyrating up and down my boyfriend's leg at a club. One close female friend would sit between us if we were out together and hold hands with my boyfriend and I was accused of not trusting him if I said anything and called paranoid.

They were doing it in front of my face while I put up with it like a numptey thinking I was cool. Like I said, the OP might not be unreasonable, it depends on what her boyfriend is doing.

Not sure what point you are making here. If you're ok to put up with overly flirtatious behaviour in front of you, then it's not really a problem if it's not in front of you?

OP - if you don't trust your DH, then I suspect your relationship is doomed. If you do trust him, then there is no problem with him meeting other women.

kkloo · 21/07/2024 18:34

What do you mean by 'too friendly'?

And what are the circumstances where he wants to meet them one on one?

cupcaske123 · 21/07/2024 18:35

redskydarknight · 21/07/2024 18:29

Not sure what point you are making here. If you're ok to put up with overly flirtatious behaviour in front of you, then it's not really a problem if it's not in front of you?

OP - if you don't trust your DH, then I suspect your relationship is doomed. If you do trust him, then there is no problem with him meeting other women.

I wasn't ok with overly flirtatious behaviour at all but whenever I complained about it I was told that I was jealous, paranoid and didn't want him to have friends. He would also disappear off with them for hours and leave me by myself. Again if I said anything I was told that it was me with the problem and he was allowed friends.

My point is that perhaps the OPs boyfriend is behaving in an unreasonable way with his female friends and we should wait to hear what's happening.

ohthejoys21 · 21/07/2024 18:36

My dh has a few close female friends and I love that he stays in contact with them. There's an ex girlfriend of his though who's newly single and wants to meet for a coffee. They were together for years. Do I really need to sit there wondering if there's still a spark? Nope. Don't want her in our lives. And before I get called insecure and controlling, even though dh has never cheated on anyone in his life,it would be naive to think such a thing has never happened.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/07/2024 18:38

My best friend is male. I’d tell my husband to fuck off if he tried to tell me who I can or can’t be friends with.

Runbunny · 21/07/2024 18:38

You can't say he can't, no.

You can tell him how it makes you feel and if he cares about you more than them, he wouldn't, or he'd do it much less frequently.

I get the thing about men and women can be friends, they can, I have lots of male friends, but IME, that's not what's going on when they only ever meet 121, even if they themselves are currently in denial, there's always something underlying. I've been on both sides of that, unfortunately.

Viviennemary · 21/07/2024 18:39

How would he like it if you go on a date with one of your men friends. I agree. Not on.

Lmnop22 · 21/07/2024 18:39

If he’s gonna cheat, he’s gonna cheat. He’s hardly likely to think “oh I was gonna meet up and have sex with my female friend but I won’t know because my wife banned me”, he just will and won’t tell you.

Sorry OP but this is a you problem and you need to address why you don’t trust your DH to be around women one on one without having sex with them or being tempted to.

If you give him this ultimatum, one way or another your marriage is over. Either because he will say no and you’ll assume he’s cheating and will leave/push him away with arguments. Or because he will say yes and slowly his resentment for you will build because you’re cutting him off from his friends and support network and he will leave you eventually.

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