Mum considering a holiday over my due date

[Labmum321]

I’m 38 + 4 weeks pregnant.

I have a LO (2yo) who has never stayed out before. My mum is my only childcare for when I go into labour, she has LO every Friday and they have a great bond.

This morning she messages ‘I’m going away mon-fri is that ok’ me thinking well it’s cutting it close, but chances of me going into labour are slim as I went into labour at 40+3 with my first. I say go for it, enjoy etc! She rings me like are you sure?? Me yes why wouldn’t I be? She starts telling me about the holiday, I’m getting excited with her and say you better get packing if it’s tomorrow! Well she said it’s a week on Monday. My due date would be the Wednesday she is away. My face changes, I say well now I’m panicking! She’s like I don’t have to go but it sounds fully planned she has already dug passports out etc. She saw my face & was like I won’t go! I said I’ll just have to deal with it and hung up.

I feel physically sick, my only other childcare options are my sisters, one is an addict who struggles to take care of the child she already has and the other is also heavily pregnant with 2 LOs to run around after already, and neither have ever had my LO on their own before so I wouldn’t be able to relax knowing my LO wasn’t in a familiar environment with someone she is comfortable with.

I’ve basically said to my mum that if she wants to go then go, I’ll have to take one of my sisters to the hospital while DH stays home with LO (and unfortunately he would miss out on the birth, we would both be really gutted about this). She hasn’t replied. It’s been a couple of hours and I’m just waiting for her to message or call now to confirm whether or not she has gone ahead and booked it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and hurt by this? Even if she doesn’t end up booking I’m really annoyed that she’d even consider going over my due date, knowing she’s my only childcare, knowing my anxiety around who I let my LO be around and that I’ve never let her stay out with anyone before, knowing it’s so close to the time and it would stress me out!

The only reason I think I might be being unreasonable is that I chose to have another child and I know I can’t expect people to put their lives on hold because she could be overdue and she might be back in time, but I’d then be stressed hoping she doesn’t come before my mum gets back.

I think your mother is being unreasonable.
She has known for months what your due date is.

She's already told you she'll look after your daughter when you go into labour.

I don't understand why she's booked a weekend away at the very time you could go into labour.

So she has worked out that it’s not a good idea after all and said she’ll cancel?
She didn’t think it through. If she had agreed to be your childcare then you’re fine to say that you need her.
Don’t feel bad. She’s clocked up.

Had you previously had a conversation with your Mum and she had agreed to be on standby for when you go into labour? If she had agreed to this but then said oh actually I might go on holiday then I can understand you being very upset. But if you had just assumed and not asked her, not so much. Hope you get it sorted OP.

Have you asked your mum to be your childcare when you go into labour?

Why has she decided to go away now? Is there someone she's travelling with or another reason it's suddenly come up?

Yanbu if she knew you were relying on her. You'll only give birth to this baby once and she has the rest of the year to choose a holiday- why is now suddenly so essential?!

Yanbu. My ILs looked after my dc1 when I went to have dc2. They'd never have dreamed of taking a holiday even 3w either side of the birth just in case.

It's not just doing it "for you". It's also for the well being of your dc1 (and indirectly for unborn dc2).

I’m astonished by your DM - is she not excited about the arrival of another DGC? I was on standby for my daughter for about a fortnight, and dropped everything to run down to London to hold the fort and pick up DGC1 from nursery - I wouldn’t have dreamt of going away. She would be unreasonable to go on holiday this week when she knows your babe is nearly cooked: to plan on going next week is just unfathomable. I don’t know what she is thinking - you have every right to be upset.

Have you already discussed her being your childcare whilst in labour or had you just assumed that she would be?

Why not have a conversation with your (non addict) sister to see if she will have your lo whilst your husband comes to the hospital? Although from your reaction, yoy mum might have already changed her mind on going on holiday

Why did you say she should go if you need the childcare? I get being upset she's been thoughtless but you're cutting your nose off yo spite your face by telling her to book before she actually has.

Your second sister is presumably capable of looking after children as she's already got a couple? Your DD will be fine with her - if she's willing to do it - you'd look after hers if she went into labour today and didn't have anybody else, wouldn't you?

Why didn't you just tell her exactly how you feel??
Do you have a friend that can help?

Not unreasonable to be annoyed, but is there really no one else at all you could ask? Just thinking what you'd do if your mum was taken ill or something. Does your DH not have any family, or do neither of you have any close friends who could help?

Because the dm was unclear about which week she'd booked

Stop with the passive aggressive “if you want to go, go, addict sister etc” and tell her now:
”Sorry Mum I didn’t realise you meant that week, covering my due date when I said ‘ok’. In truth I really need you. Dc 1 doesn’t know anyone else to stay with and you are the person I trust. I know it is a lot to ask, and I really appreciate it because who knows, I might not even go into labour on those days. But for my peace of mind I would really like you to be here. “

While I understand the greater number of votes for YABU, and would generally say you should be able to have children without an expectation of help from anyone, it does seem a little hard on you/ your DC to have this upheaval next to the huge one that is your new arrival.

That said, if your sister with the large family is happy to have them, your DC will muddle along fine with the cousins and probably grow for the experience of being one of a group.

I guess I'm on the fence 😂 But if it's been discussed as 'the plan' all along, I think you are justified in being upset.

My DM planned to fly two days before by c-section. She only didn't because we managed to bring the birth forwards, she flew the day after it, away right through Christmas, for a month.

We didn't say anything, her and my DF’s choice.

Op was still telling her mum to go after they cleared up which date it actually was.

Strained relationships aside, I do struggle to understand mothers who do this. I cannot imagine purposefully being on holiday when my adult child was going through something so important, even if they weren't relying on me for logistic reasons.

Had she previously agreed to be childcare during labour or did you just assume?
Is she perhaps feeling a bit of pressure with two of her daughters having babies close together?

Yes I asked her as soon as I found out at 6 weeks, she said yes.
We’ve been through a whole process of getting LO introduced and used to the idea of staying out for the first time. Months of conversations. We’ve been over and over it as she’s having the dog too so my LO is now at the point where we say what’s happening when mummy has the baby and she will in detail explain I go to a Nannie’s with (dogs name) and sleep in Nannies bed with Nannie and have tea, then daddy will come and get me and we will go to the hospital and see mummy and the baby. My mum has discussed this with LO and so have we to the point I felt I could relax knowing she has a great understanding of what will happen. They were on FaceTime just yesterday where my mum said ‘Are you coming to my house when mummy has the baby?!’ and my LO was excited.

My mum has been wanting to go on holiday for a months now and has been saying and looking all year at deals. My mum has a 11y/o too who breaks up from school next week so I think that’s what made her want to go now he’s off. It’s just really out of the blue. She’s done this before (last minute holidays) a few times when I’ve relied on her for childcare but again, I can’t tell people how to live their lives and having to book a last minute day off work myself because I’ve been let down with childcare is not a big deal, but this time is different and feels like a big deal to me.

Sounds like she was just caught up in her own plans for a bit then, I'm sure when she thinks about it she'll not go.

If she has form and you know this then it would be a good idea to perhaps look for suitable emergency childcare options such as a reliable babysitting service or childminder.

Good luck.

Your mum shouldn't let you down for this last minute. It's awful.

I'd go with your heavily pregnant sister looking after your child, and offer to repay the favour to her if needed.

She asked you if it was ok.

You said yes

You didn't check which dates she meant or go through your childcare plan with her.

She phoned to say "are you sure?"

You again didn't verify what you were expecting of her you said "yes why wouldn't I be"

If an adult daughter of mine had these conversations with me I would understand from these words that she had sorted out childcare with a friend or someone else and that I was free to suit myself. I would be conscious of the number of times I've heard (/read about on mumsnet) of new mothers feeling overwhelmed by too many visiting relatives and would assume that my daughter was happy for me to be keeping a distance.

If I was pregnant and wanted my mum on standby for labour I would be anxiously checking that she didn't have any other firm commitments from the time I was about 36 weeks, and asking her to let me know well in advance if there was any period I needed backup for. There would be no possibility of any kind of misunderstanding like this.

I have sympathy for you, but I have sympathy for your mum too. It's quite a lot of responsibility that outside of you and your dh, she is the only person who can possibly look after your dd. That's quite unusual for a 2 yr old. No childminders, no babysitters,no nursery, no friends to have her, no other siblings, no in-laws. It's quite a responsibility. Off the back of this, whatever happens, I would look to be widening your village.

I take it from her side she doesn't have loads of money for holidays, and a cheap opportunity came up for herself and her son?