Mum considering a holiday over my due date

[Labmum321]

I’m 38 + 4 weeks pregnant.

I have a LO (2yo) who has never stayed out before. My mum is my only childcare for when I go into labour, she has LO every Friday and they have a great bond.

This morning she messages ‘I’m going away mon-fri is that ok’ me thinking well it’s cutting it close, but chances of me going into labour are slim as I went into labour at 40+3 with my first. I say go for it, enjoy etc! She rings me like are you sure?? Me yes why wouldn’t I be? She starts telling me about the holiday, I’m getting excited with her and say you better get packing if it’s tomorrow! Well she said it’s a week on Monday. My due date would be the Wednesday she is away. My face changes, I say well now I’m panicking! She’s like I don’t have to go but it sounds fully planned she has already dug passports out etc. She saw my face & was like I won’t go! I said I’ll just have to deal with it and hung up.

I feel physically sick, my only other childcare options are my sisters, one is an addict who struggles to take care of the child she already has and the other is also heavily pregnant with 2 LOs to run around after already, and neither have ever had my LO on their own before so I wouldn’t be able to relax knowing my LO wasn’t in a familiar environment with someone she is comfortable with.

I’ve basically said to my mum that if she wants to go then go, I’ll have to take one of my sisters to the hospital while DH stays home with LO (and unfortunately he would miss out on the birth, we would both be really gutted about this). She hasn’t replied. It’s been a couple of hours and I’m just waiting for her to message or call now to confirm whether or not she has gone ahead and booked it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and hurt by this? Even if she doesn’t end up booking I’m really annoyed that she’d even consider going over my due date, knowing she’s my only childcare, knowing my anxiety around who I let my LO be around and that I’ve never let her stay out with anyone before, knowing it’s so close to the time and it would stress me out!

The only reason I think I might be being unreasonable is that I chose to have another child and I know I can’t expect people to put their lives on hold because she could be overdue and she might be back in time, but I’d then be stressed hoping she doesn’t come before my mum gets back.

But was she asked or has OP presumed and that may be the very reason her mums done it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

girl … you are giving birth you are not asking for help to go to get your hair done . Bloody hell , it happens once or twice , probably won’t happen again for a while . Why all these women , all these mums here tell you to apologise and tell her “ of course darling mother please do go on your deserved holiday , I’ll just struggle “ SHE IS YOUR MOTHER SHE IS NOT THE NEIGHBOUR !!!! You shouldn’t even have to freaking ask !! If my daughter in 30 years will tell me that she needs help w childcare cause she has to give birth do you know what I won’t do ?? BOOK A HOLIDAY !! like people are you for real ?? If this was the usual “ she looks after about 10 grandchildren she deserves a break “ I would absolutely agree but she has to give birth !!! THAT COMES BEFORE IT ALL .

To be honest you sound a bit of a nightmare.

Explaining so much and 'practising' etc to a 2 year old - children are brilliantly resilient and absolutely fine.

Try not to plan and fuss to the extreme - relax a bit.

This may be why your mum needs a break if you've been like this since you were 6 weeks pregnant.

Some of the responses on this thread are unbelievable 🙄

No you haven't - you've guilt tripped her - 'go if you 'really' want to'.

For goodness sake, phone her up and say you're so grateful for everything she does when she has an 11 year old of her own and that she should go and enjoy herself.

Then grow up, find your own childcare in the future.

I bet your sisters think the same too.

And it's no wonder the in laws don't want to know - they know you'd be a nightmare with rules etc.

This has got to be a wind up surely?

This is how a normal person would behave and how anyone I know in RL would behave. I honestly think people on MN live on another planet when I read threads like this. Aside from wanting to meet her new GC, you've had this plan in place since the very early stages of the pregnancy and she could've gone on holiday at any point but chooses now?? Absolutely ridiculous and extremely upsetting for you OP

Are you for real?? Why shouldn't a woman want the support of her partner whilst giving birth? Why wouldn't a father want to be at the birth of his child, whether it's his first, second or tenth?

And having my husband with me during the birth of our second child probably saved my life. After having a lovely, easy birth, the midwife left the room to deal with whatever it was she had to deal with. Within minutes, my husband had to press the emergency button as I unexpectedly started to haemorrhage and almost died. He was also literally left holding the baby whilst all this was going on. After giving birth to my first child, my DH was able to accompany the baby to the special care nursery after a traumatic birth. I'm glad I didn't have to deal with either of those situations alone!

But even with the most boring, textbook births, why shouldn't a father be at the delivery if both parents want it?

OP - YANBU

Your mother has 11 1/2 other months of the year to go away. Why she has chosen the exact week you're due to give birth (give or take a week), is beyond me, especially given all the prep that's gone into this.

I wouldn't be able to trust her again after this, and I wouldn't be in any hurry to share the baby news if s/he arrives whilst your mother is on this all important holiday.

KreedKafer
So your mum has your 11-year-old brother, plus three adult daughters, one who is an addict and struggles to look after her child, and two who already have small children and both have another one on the way.

Get child's dad to help. Or does he get a pass via being a man?

Expectations on older women are ridiculous. Raise children and then grandchildren come along and you're expected to raise children again.

Grandparents stepping up for childcare is fine, and usual, but it should never be an expectation that they have to on tap, or that they can't change their minds sometimes.

I worked in a public building years ago and the amount of obviously knackered grandmothers who'd be there with their grandchildren was awful. What happens if a woman is tired and can do childcare, but not to the expected levels?

After the birth of your child OP do you expect your mum to be constantly on hand to help? Is she going to do this whilst still looking after your other child, and with all the other responsibilities she has?

Generally older women are not allowed to be tired, I suspect.

Wow, 50/50 😯

Guessing you are a single mum with zero ex partner support

Guess you will have to pull up ur big girl pants and organise an alternative your mum is aloud a life beyond you and your kids

OP has said she spoke to her mum about it very early in pregnancy and plans have been made and communicated to her child, so yes this has explicitly been agreed to by both parties.

It sounds from one of your updates that you do use nursery as well, in which case I would talk to nursery about emergency extra days in case you go into labour during the day - our nursery was clear they would be fine with this and, if necessary, sort their ratios. And then ask one of the parents of your child's friends at nursery if they would do an overnight

I have been back up for loads of nursery friends - in the end family have always managed to step in - but I was genuinely fine with doing it

Did you read the thread? OP has asked her mum to provide childcare during birth, not weeks and weeks of it! Her DP/H will be with the mother of his child, not an unreasonable place to be! OP’s mum doesn’t do endless childcare for her, surely most of us can appreciate you need someone to care for your existing child while you birth the second? The alternative is the child’s dad misses the birth, not ideal but it happens.

OP’s mum can go on holiday anytime, I’m surprised so many people think it’s unreasonable to have asked 30+ weeks ago for a few days childcare around a specific date (hard to be super specific unless a planned CS and even then labour can happen) and for that to then be rescinded because they want to go on holiday! OP asked months and months ago, her child has been prepared for going and the OP’s mum has spoken to child about this too. How on earth is it unreasonable to think you can rely on that and the person who agreed to those plans?

My DH wasn't at my second child's birth and though not planned I actually preferred it. I could just concentrate on getting the job done instead of him flapping and distracting me! I found it quite empowering.

The look on his face when he saw the baby was such a special moment. I'll never forget it!

It made me understand why traditionally men weren't at births 😉

The only reason I think I might be being unreasonable is that I chose to have another child and I know I can’t expect people to put their lives on hold

Normally I'd be in that camp, some people really do feel far too entitled to their parents time and effort when it comes to childcare! But not in this case, when it's been offered so far in advance and your 2 year old has been preparing for it for months! She didn't have to agree in the first place and to change things so late on for a non-emergency reason, I'd be really hurt by it.

Your Mum sounds really thoughtless and selfish. This is the last thing you need. I hope you can arrange a back up option that will put your mind at rest. Don't forget her behaviour. There will come a time in the future, when she will want, and no doubt expect help from you, so get your boundaries in place asap.

Wow the replies from just the last day are absolutely brutal!

Update - My mum didn’t end up booking. She never contacted me directly to confirm this even though I did ask, she just changed the subject and spoke about other things and then dropped it into conversations the next day.
I do feel guilty, I love her and want her to have a great holiday with my brother, and I know they still will, just after I’ve given birth.

For those that are saying I expect too much of my mum, I really don’t! She has my LO every Friday, & I’ve explained in previous updates she wanted this and she’s paid for her time even though she hates me sending her any money. This Friday is the last one as I’ll be on maternity leave for the next 14 months and when it’s time to go back to work they’ll both be in nursery unless my mum opts for Fridays again, and if she does it’ll be completely her decision. She’s never had LO on her own outside of this arrangement as I’ve never asked her to. Everything me and DH do, appointments, holidays, date days we arrange around our work schedules/her nursery days or have her with us etc. My mum has asked for my LO to sleep over before but LO says no, so it’s just never happened. She still breastfeeds to sleep at night so I've always just had her with me. If I could guarantee I’d be in and out the same day then my sisters would absolutely be an option but I was in the hospital for days before poorly with an infection and DH was able to stay with me throughout.

She wanted to have LO when I found out I was expecting the second. If she had come to me with more time to spare and said I’ve seen a great deal for a holiday but it lands on x date, I’d have been ok with that, as that would have given me a month to get my LO used to the idea of going to stay with one of my sisters and I would have put in a conscious effort for her to spend more time with them. Yes kids are resilient and I could have just said go and she can stay with sisters, but for my own peace of mind, which I’m going to need when I go into labour, I need her to be happy and safe with who she’s with, especially if it ends up being an overnight stay and it’s likely it will be. 1 week just wasn’t enough time for LO to build up to that when I’m still working full time & she has nursery. Finding a last minute childminder or babysitter was absolutely not an option. Of course I want DH at the birth, he’s my biggest advocate. Finding a last minute child minder or babysitter was absolutely not an option.

Wow! My mum booked out about a month either side of my due date so she could be there to have my eldest two at a moment’s notice. She did that without me asking. I’m trying to remember if I asked if she could have them but I don’t think I did. It was the expectation on both sides. 🧐 I ended up in hospital for 4 nights after DS was born and my DDs were with my parents for all of that.

I’m very lucky that my parents are so hands on with my children and I plan to be the same if/when I have grandchildren. I get that your mum still has a child to look after herself but she could go on holiday any time after the baby is born. Trickier when restricted to school holidays but that’s not your fault.

Honestly OP ignore the comments on here, you're mostly going to get the mumsnetters who are of a certain age and are adamant mums should do everything and never expect any help from family, because thats how they were brought up. Its sad really. My mum would do absolutely anything for me and her grandkids and I know she would be there every second for me if I was in labour. Your mum is absolutely BU when you've had this planned for months, had an arrangement in place that your DD knows about and is comfortable with. My only advice would be to widen your village as much as possible after this, having more people around who can have your DD is not a bad thing.

Surely you have a friend who you could ask? My family abroad and PIL a long way away and frankly I didn't want them over to stay. Local friends stepped up and I have done the same for friends including collecting their 2 year old at 2am when they needed to go in.

You're treating your 2 year old as an adult 🤣

LO said no, children don't always have a choice - in fact giving too many options isn't a good thing.

Your mum probably won't go on holiday now - well done op.

Ps give your in laws a chance, just be normal though and don't go on about 'building relationships'

Not to mention it’s essential to have an advocate present for you nowadays what with the state of maternity care.

Your mum is being unreasonable! We didn't even need childcare and my mum had the option to go on holiday and be back by the time I was 37 weeks but thought it was cutting it fine and wanted to be around just in case, so didn't!