Mum considering a holiday over my due date

[Labmum321]

I’m 38 + 4 weeks pregnant.

I have a LO (2yo) who has never stayed out before. My mum is my only childcare for when I go into labour, she has LO every Friday and they have a great bond.

This morning she messages ‘I’m going away mon-fri is that ok’ me thinking well it’s cutting it close, but chances of me going into labour are slim as I went into labour at 40+3 with my first. I say go for it, enjoy etc! She rings me like are you sure?? Me yes why wouldn’t I be? She starts telling me about the holiday, I’m getting excited with her and say you better get packing if it’s tomorrow! Well she said it’s a week on Monday. My due date would be the Wednesday she is away. My face changes, I say well now I’m panicking! She’s like I don’t have to go but it sounds fully planned she has already dug passports out etc. She saw my face & was like I won’t go! I said I’ll just have to deal with it and hung up.

I feel physically sick, my only other childcare options are my sisters, one is an addict who struggles to take care of the child she already has and the other is also heavily pregnant with 2 LOs to run around after already, and neither have ever had my LO on their own before so I wouldn’t be able to relax knowing my LO wasn’t in a familiar environment with someone she is comfortable with.

I’ve basically said to my mum that if she wants to go then go, I’ll have to take one of my sisters to the hospital while DH stays home with LO (and unfortunately he would miss out on the birth, we would both be really gutted about this). She hasn’t replied. It’s been a couple of hours and I’m just waiting for her to message or call now to confirm whether or not she has gone ahead and booked it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and hurt by this? Even if she doesn’t end up booking I’m really annoyed that she’d even consider going over my due date, knowing she’s my only childcare, knowing my anxiety around who I let my LO be around and that I’ve never let her stay out with anyone before, knowing it’s so close to the time and it would stress me out!

The only reason I think I might be being unreasonable is that I chose to have another child and I know I can’t expect people to put their lives on hold because she could be overdue and she might be back in time, but I’d then be stressed hoping she doesn’t come before my mum gets back.

This morning she messages ‘I’m going away mon-fri is that ok’ me thinking well it’s cutting it close, but chances of me going into labour are slim as I went into labour at 40+3 with my first. I say go for it, enjoy etc! She rings me like are you sure?? Me yes why wouldn’t I be? She starts telling me about the holiday, I’m getting excited with her and say you better get packing if it’s tomorrow! Well she said it’s a week on Monday. My due date would be the Wednesday she is away. My face changes, I say well now I’m panicking! She’s like I don’t have to go but it sounds fully planned she has already dug passports out etc. She saw my face & was like I won’t go! I said I’ll just have to deal with it and hung up.

How can she see your face through the telephone? Probably completely missing the point

This is a communication issue. You didn’t explicitly tell her you were relying on her for childcare. You misunderstood the dates. Then when you both clocked that the dates clashed with your due date you threw a little bit of a strop and told her to go anyway. Obviously a better response would have been “Mum, thank you for offering not to go. I’d actually really appreciate it if you stayed because I’m relying on you for childcare.”

Call her back and have that conversation. It sounds like she’s willing to cancel. You just need to take her up on that offer.

Seems a bit crazy of her tbh. You could go into labour at any time. I went into labour at 38+2 with my 2nd so get ready!

She has known since day 1 I’m relying on her for childcare, she knew the dates clashed with my due date which is why she was asking me if it was ok, she just wasn’t clear on which week it was from the original message because I think she knew what my reaction would have been.

I didn’t (and still don’t) want to be the one to tell her not to go, I’ve already had my sisters call me up telling me to tell my mum to get the holiday booked because she deserves it so she’s already discussed it with everyone in our family and probably told them I’m the only thing stopping her from going, so for me to say no please don’t go, I’m then the bad guy. It’s just stressful when I thought I had a plan in place already and now this has thrown a big spanner in the works

Can your husband’s family help?
Can your dad help?

@Greenbike how is it a communication issue? This has been planned from day 1. It's been drummed into the LO she is going to Nana's house with the dog - it was confirmed by Nana yesterday apparently- now flakey Nan wants to jet off for a week leaving her daughter and grandchild up shit creek without a paddle. If you offer to do something you do it, you don't bail at the last minute leaving potential chaos and disappointment in your wake.
Disappointing behaviour from OP's mother that's for sure. I don't understand how people are condoning it.

It's annoying and stressful but she clearly wants to go so I'd just tell her to book it and ask your sister to help out.

One time as an adult where you really need your mum is when you're giving birth. I don't think you are being unreasonable and also totally understand not wanting to ask her to give up her holiday. I think it would be worth saying how you feel though - could she go on a cheaper holiday in the autumn?

So your mum has your 11-year-old brother, plus three adult daughters, one who is an addict and struggles to look after her child, and two who already have small children and both have another one on the way. Are you all leaning on her for childcare like this? Because if so I can kind of see why she wants a holiday.

Your mum has an 11yo child herself? I think she’s just trying to find a way to do right by everyone, knows that she can’t, needs a holiday herself and has just gone about it all the right way. She doesn’t want to let you down but she has to.

I think you can cut her some slack. She doesn’t owe you or your DD or your dog, when she has her own 11yo to look after and already does a day a week for your DD (what about her other grandchildren?).

And where is your DH in all this? And his family? Why is everything falling on your mum?

You need to make your own plans, she's clearly flakey. Many many couples manage to give birth and look after the older child without family support.

This is exactly what I’ve done, told her if she really wants to go then go and I’ll have to sort something else. If it comes to it I’m really going to push for a home birth and have my sister come to my to entertain LO. If it’s not too late to decide on that! I can ring my midwife first thing. I did want a home birth at the start so LO didn’t have to go anywhere but DH was really anxious about this as if anything goes wrong he wants us to be in the Hospital with help right there.

If you tell someone you will be their child care when they go into labour, and its your daughter of all ppl then you don't suddenly get the urge to book a holiday those dates where you might be needed. Not sure why you have sympathy for ops mum here.

So be the bad guy!

You need to tell her - and if she stays never rely on her again

I take it there are no in-laws about?
Nursery nurses you could afford to pay?

Don't tell her to go!

Tell her you'll her you're stuffed and you'll just have to not have your DH there

And let her own her decision

I'd be very very upset OP and I would struggle to ever trust her again. I am sorry you've gone thru this.

‘So your mum has your 11-year-old brother, plus three adult daughters, one who is an addict and struggles to look after her child, and two who already have small children and both have another one on the way. ’
@KreedKafer I see your point.

@Labmum321 I was going to ask, tongue in cheek, if your mum is single & has the chance of a ‘hot’ holiday date, but to be fair I think that your mum has a lot on her plate.

Thing is school summer holidays are upon us, & your 11yo brother now has hard fixed term dates so getting away at an affordable rate is harder to manage. If DM has found something affordable & it’s the most likely chance for a break for her & your brother, then it makes sense to go.

It seems that you & your sisters will be asking a lot of her in years to come. Ideally we’d all have perfect mums who are always there for us no matter what, but then real life happens. You have a childcare plan in place that relies upon other people being perfectly free & available…no other priorities, no mishaps, nothing else as or more important.

You & you capable sisters need to pull together now as parents of kids the same ages & work things out. You are adults who have left home & making your way in the world, & your mum is still a parent (to your brother) & working out what works best for them.

Oh she definitely deserves a holiday! I’m not saying she doesn’t. I’ve been telling her to go for months, just not around my due date. The addict sister is also 21 weeks pregnant just to add.
I’m not leaning on her for childcare either, me and DH can afford to send her to nursery for an extra day and have made it clear that this is always an option, my mum wanted to have her that day as she wouldn’t get quality time without other grandkids there otherwise as she does a lot for my sisters and their kids. We pay her for this too even though she tells me not to, I still do because I’m very grateful she wants to spend time with my LO.

For those asking about DH family, they were never interested in building a relationship with LO from the start and that’s not from for our lack of trying, so they’re not an option for childcare.

I didn’t (and still don’t) want to be the one to tell her not to go, I’ve already had my sisters call me up telling me to tell my mum to get the holiday booked because she deserves it so she’s already discussed it with everyone in our family and probably told them I’m the only thing stopping her from going, so for me to say no please don’t go, I’m then the bad guy. It’s just stressful when I thought I had a plan in place already and now this has thrown a big spanner in the works

Articulating your needs isn’t “being the bad guy,” and your sisters can butt out. “I need Mum to stay here because she’s the best person to watch LO. I’m done discussing this with you now, Sister.”

I find it incredible that other posters are suggesting the OP is unreasonable. She's asked, and agreed well in advanced, that her mother will have her LO whilst she gives birth. For a matter of HOURS/DAYS. Not for ongoing childcare for months and years on end!

It's a perfectly reasonable thing to request, and perfectly reasonable for the OP to be pissed off when the offer is pulled very close to the time when she's vulnerable and desperate for that small amount of help. FFS.

Your DM is being unreasonable here and putting emotional pressure on you. She had committed to help and it's really not ok to back out now , or at least leave you with uncertainty.I assume she got caught up in her plans .
When my DC2 was expected we were hundreds of miles from family in a new area. I remember the pressure. Hopefully you will only need your DH for a few short hours and , don't forget it could happen in the daytime. I am sure a friend or one of your DSises would be happy to have DC1 for the actual delivery after which your DH could go home and pick up DC if the worst happens and you have baby before your mum gets back.

I can see your point but she said she’d cancel and you told her not to do it seems unfair to be angry at her. She probably had a silly thought that it would be ok as baby probably won’t arrive on due date but then talking to you realised her error and offered to change her plans and you’ve told her not to so maybe she thinks it’s ok now that you’ve said you’ll sort something else.

I’d talk to her again and say actually mum I’m really screwed if you go away around due date because we’d agreed you’d take LO and you were both looking forward to it so can you please change your dates like you initially offered.

Aww I hope you get the home birth you want, maybe this will be a blessing in disguse and it will all turn out for the best.

Again, good luck op and fingers crossed 🤞 for you.

Yes she's being very unreasonable given the situation! She knows it too by the sounds of it that's why she's gone in a huff with you!
Are your in laws an option?

It seems like you don’t understand how due dates work.

If you are 38 weeks, baby could easily arrive tomorrow at this point and be perfectly healthy. The due date is the peak of a statistical distribution of when babies tend to arrive.

the person who agreed to be your childcare should be on standby from now until the time the baby is born.