Mum considering a holiday over my due date

[Labmum321]

I’m 38 + 4 weeks pregnant.

I have a LO (2yo) who has never stayed out before. My mum is my only childcare for when I go into labour, she has LO every Friday and they have a great bond.

This morning she messages ‘I’m going away mon-fri is that ok’ me thinking well it’s cutting it close, but chances of me going into labour are slim as I went into labour at 40+3 with my first. I say go for it, enjoy etc! She rings me like are you sure?? Me yes why wouldn’t I be? She starts telling me about the holiday, I’m getting excited with her and say you better get packing if it’s tomorrow! Well she said it’s a week on Monday. My due date would be the Wednesday she is away. My face changes, I say well now I’m panicking! She’s like I don’t have to go but it sounds fully planned she has already dug passports out etc. She saw my face & was like I won’t go! I said I’ll just have to deal with it and hung up.

I feel physically sick, my only other childcare options are my sisters, one is an addict who struggles to take care of the child she already has and the other is also heavily pregnant with 2 LOs to run around after already, and neither have ever had my LO on their own before so I wouldn’t be able to relax knowing my LO wasn’t in a familiar environment with someone she is comfortable with.

I’ve basically said to my mum that if she wants to go then go, I’ll have to take one of my sisters to the hospital while DH stays home with LO (and unfortunately he would miss out on the birth, we would both be really gutted about this). She hasn’t replied. It’s been a couple of hours and I’m just waiting for her to message or call now to confirm whether or not she has gone ahead and booked it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and hurt by this? Even if she doesn’t end up booking I’m really annoyed that she’d even consider going over my due date, knowing she’s my only childcare, knowing my anxiety around who I let my LO be around and that I’ve never let her stay out with anyone before, knowing it’s so close to the time and it would stress me out!

The only reason I think I might be being unreasonable is that I chose to have another child and I know I can’t expect people to put their lives on hold because she could be overdue and she might be back in time, but I’d then be stressed hoping she doesn’t come before my mum gets back.

christ on a bike - only on Mumsnet is it frowned upon to expect someone to keep arrangements that they have already committed to. This isn’t a case of ‘I’ve booked a holiday’ and the OP replying ‘ah I was hoping you’d have LO while I go and get my nails done’ - this is one of the biggest events in a family’s life.

No one would deny that OP’s mum needs a well deserved break but if you’ve committed to something that can’t be shuffled around, you are selfish to try and back out!

You needed to say it wasn’t okay when you realised it wasn’t okay. She asked you. I don’t understand why you didn’t speak up then rather than keep quiet by be all hurt about it.

Are you joking? I’ve got three children and I would have hated to be by myself for any of their labours. He advocated for me every time, most importantly when both DS (my third) and I nearly died when he was born. Other than my mum, I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there with me.

Interesting. I wanted to be alone. I thought that was like an animal instinct thing to want to be left alone to get on with it. I thought it was standard that your partner looks after your older children when you have your other children.

I think some women do have the instinct to be alone but I felt so much better knowing he was there.

When they were prepping me for my EMCS, they all kept calling me by the wrong name. I was pretty out of it but was wondering why DH wasn’t correcting them. I found out afterwards that he wasn’t there because they wouldn’t let him in for the general anaesthetic. I’m glad I didn’t know that at the time because I would have panicked.

Thoughtless and selfish?

She has an 11 year old, looks after gd one day a week, guessing she has tea other 2 as well, 2 other grown children one of which is an addict.

Gutted for you OP. My best mate, who’s a midwife, was going to be my birth partner and she upped and went on holiday too. I was devastated.

My mum booked holidays over my due date with two of my five children - the first time knowing I had no other childcare as my in laws were disabled. It hurt - especially as she made out to everyone that her grandkids "come first above anything". I've got grandchildren of my own now. You can go away anytime but they will only be born once.

Can’t the father/s side of the family help out with childcare

Have to say I’m a little shocked as much as 50% of people have voted unreasonable!
my mum was due to go on holiday in September, when I discovered I was pregnant and due date was November my mum changed her holiday and brought it forward by months. I told her she’d be ok to go in September as I wasn’t due for 2 months after but she insisted she didn’t want to risk being away during my final trimester!….. I didn’t have children already so didn’t need her for anything other than to have our dog, but she didn’t want to be out of the country encase (I’m guessing) I either gave birth early or something went wrong and I needed her… I’m shocked that she would even consider going away around your due date after a) promising you but even more importantly b) telling your daughter and getting her excited about staying at grandmas!!

As for your sisters… they should STFU … I bet when THEY have a baby they’ll INSIST she’s around to give them a ton of support! They’ve no right to make you feel guilty for wanting your mums support at your most vulnerable!

My Nan went on holiday 3 weeks before my mums due date … they returned 2 weeks before her due date and wondered who’s baby my mum was holding!!! I have no idea who looked after my sister who would’ve been 11 months at time, but they never met their first grandson until he was 4 days old! No big deal I know, but they must have literally been the last to know about my brothers arrival! Personally if my daughter was due to give birth I wouldn’t book anything at least 3 weeks either side of the due date … 2 weeks early is classed as full term… and 2 weeks late isn’t unheard of!
I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the slightest… you’re asking for her help so you can have your husband at the birth supporting you… it would be awful if he had to stay home and you had to go in alone (I wouldn’t want my sister there!)….
I hope you give birth on time and good luck!

I don’t know anyone who did it that way. Everyone I know leaves their older child with a trusted adult, usually a relative, so the husband can be with his wife. It’s his child too, most men would hate to miss that.

It's not your first child get over it and let your mum enjoy her life

I wouldn't feel guilty this is a rare occurrence you need to rely on someone else and it's reasonable to want her to be close from around 38 weeks.

It is thoughtless yes… she can go on holiday almost anytime. But she’s not only promised OP she would help her but she’s also been preparing and getting her 2 year old grandchild worked up and excited about staying at nannies house, so to cancel that so close to OP’s due date and effectively leave them in the shit is awful! I can’t even imagine wanting to be away and risk not being around when my DD is in labour… my mum spent the night tidying and dusting waiting for news when I was in labour… and was desperate to see her new grandchild. I can’t imagine being the last to see my grandchild because I was on holiday!

She's completely unreasonable

She agreed to do this and has not only backed out and left you in the lerch but flaked out on your DC whom shed gone through the plans with multiple times. Kids can take that pretty seriously as lying or broken promises. Then gets you to agree first by being ambiguous and then by threatening not to go, making you either say she can or cant, and then getting your sister's in on it none of whom are capable or actually offering

I would say your unreasonable to not just leave DC with the other sister but I suspect given the other dynamics you likely have your reasons. Your best bet may be to see if one of your DCs friends parents might be ok with a sleepover and step away from relying on your family

why can't DH look after your DC? I had no support apart from DH and just didn't take a birthing partner with me as he was looking after DC1. It's not such a big deal. I think yabu here and not fair on your mum and a massive drama queen.

Really disappointing to hear to some of the replies here about OP being a drama queen, telling her to grow up and questioning why she can't just go it alone, especially from other women. It smacks of misogyny and sounds very much like you're perpetuating the toxic attitude towards childbirth that I thought we'd managed to escape in this day and age- don't make a fuss, men have no place in the labour ward, get on with it and get over it. Disgusting attitudes. Also, I hope some people realise that childbirth can be dangerous at times. Not all women pop out a baby and come back home ready to cook the dinner (!). A poor lady I know recently suffered from a brain haemorrhage during labour and no, she wouldn't have been ok on her own, 'getting on with it'

I think it’s piss poor form from your mum, but this is mumsnet where you’re expected to be 100% independent/self-reliant. Apart from if it’s your DH who has let you down, then it’s immediately LTB.

We had similar. It was covid,mum had said all along that yep be there for eldest who is Sen. Changed too "oh don't go into labour this dayI'm working this day for some extra pennys" then I had a bit of a medical emergency and got induced a week earlier mum was fine with this and said she'd love toobut decided ten mins before my waters get broken "do you mind if I go to work I'll be finished by evening" I absolutely lost the plot as only my partner was aloud to come and only after active full labour. It was just the utter selfishness of leaving you last min on such an important time when it has been previously agreed. For me I'm still a bit resentful.

Can’t you woman up and just give birth in your bedroom (close the door, don’t make a noise) and then you’ll be right as rain to look after your eldest one straight away? I delivered my own triplets quietly in the corner of the kitchen while the twins were learning mandarin. 💁🏻‍♀️😉😉

Your mum has many times to go on holiday, you are presumably not having many children and she can sacrifice a bit of summer given she committed to this ages ago. She could have a later holiday instead. Best of luck for your birth. 💐

I think you might need to loosen up a bit as having two kids will mean the oldest will have to wait as baby needs something now and baby will have to accept getting up and out for nursery runs etc.
what are you going to do when baby needs feeding and older one is having a tantrum because she can’t feed on you.
sometimes your kids don’t get a choice about where they go and you can’t prepare them for everything.