Mum considering a holiday over my due date

[Labmum321]

I’m 38 + 4 weeks pregnant.

I have a LO (2yo) who has never stayed out before. My mum is my only childcare for when I go into labour, she has LO every Friday and they have a great bond.

This morning she messages ‘I’m going away mon-fri is that ok’ me thinking well it’s cutting it close, but chances of me going into labour are slim as I went into labour at 40+3 with my first. I say go for it, enjoy etc! She rings me like are you sure?? Me yes why wouldn’t I be? She starts telling me about the holiday, I’m getting excited with her and say you better get packing if it’s tomorrow! Well she said it’s a week on Monday. My due date would be the Wednesday she is away. My face changes, I say well now I’m panicking! She’s like I don’t have to go but it sounds fully planned she has already dug passports out etc. She saw my face & was like I won’t go! I said I’ll just have to deal with it and hung up.

I feel physically sick, my only other childcare options are my sisters, one is an addict who struggles to take care of the child she already has and the other is also heavily pregnant with 2 LOs to run around after already, and neither have ever had my LO on their own before so I wouldn’t be able to relax knowing my LO wasn’t in a familiar environment with someone she is comfortable with.

I’ve basically said to my mum that if she wants to go then go, I’ll have to take one of my sisters to the hospital while DH stays home with LO (and unfortunately he would miss out on the birth, we would both be really gutted about this). She hasn’t replied. It’s been a couple of hours and I’m just waiting for her to message or call now to confirm whether or not she has gone ahead and booked it.

AIBU to be really pissed off and hurt by this? Even if she doesn’t end up booking I’m really annoyed that she’d even consider going over my due date, knowing she’s my only childcare, knowing my anxiety around who I let my LO be around and that I’ve never let her stay out with anyone before, knowing it’s so close to the time and it would stress me out!

The only reason I think I might be being unreasonable is that I chose to have another child and I know I can’t expect people to put their lives on hold because she could be overdue and she might be back in time, but I’d then be stressed hoping she doesn’t come before my mum gets back.

Completely disagree, you can't agree to be someone's childcare when they give birth knowing they have no other options then back out a week before the due date! I get that she has an 11 yo but she knew that when she agreed to babysit! It's not like OP can change her due date!

I don't think it is that unusual actually. And even if there were nursery or childminder options OP would still need someone for overnight, and she could be in labour for days. She's planned childcare with her mum for months so she hasn't needed to think of other options

YANBU. This is not a social event, it's the birth of your second child and of course their father will want to be there for it and not babysitting the older one.

That said, in your shoes I'd probably be comfortable leaving the 2yo with the pregnant sister so long as she was a sensible sort who wouldn't get it into her head to try to take all 3 kids on a day out by herself or anything like that. I'd probably offer your sister to pay for some babysitting if she can get it to help her out while she has your DC.

Honestly your mum is clearly happy to be your child care option if it's convenient for her, but not committed to moving things around to be sure she is able to be your childcare. It sucks, but, with the exception of paid child carers with whom you have a contract, no-one needs to be committed to looking after someone else's child. Sorry, but you need to organise a back up option fast.

Why did you say that? Why didn't you make your feelings clear? Why tell her to go? I don't understand saying that then getting so worked up. Just call her and say you were really relying on her and can she not put the holiday off for a couple weeks?

In which case almost all of the summer holidays could be out and the DM and the 11-year-old son don’t get a holiday at all

Ask a friend. I would look after any of my friend's children in their own house if my friend went in to labour. I'd make it work what ever it took.

She's really let you down. And got your sisters involved to back her up. Did they offer to have your DC1 whilst they were telling you not to make her feel guilty.

You can't change the date when you go into labour but a holiday is a moveable date. She could easily book for a fortnight after your due date as you will have either given birth or be induced (which actually gives you a bit more lee way)

A pp suggested the other sister and offer to pay for a childminder to help her. That sounds like it might work. It would be such a shame for your DH to miss the birth and also not be there for your support.

A paid babysitter can do the job.
I don't get why your mum is planning this way. Makes no sense.

Honestly OP, I would rely on yourself and leave your mother to it.
In the scheme of things not being at the birth isn't the end of the world.
Far better IMO that you are peaceful and safe giving birth, knowing that your other child is fine.
Try and locate a babysitter if you can but if not do not stress.
I also wouldn't ask your mother for help again.
There is a type of person that does this and cause nothing but stress to those that they have said they will help.
Bringing stress like this to a woman about to give birth is just awful.
Don't allow her to do it to you.
Take control.
Tell her to go and that you will be fine.
Never ask her again.
It simply isn't worth it.
Take care.

If you say you'll help with something and commit to it, then it's utterly shabby to try to weasel your way out at the last minute.

So where is the father of the children? What is he doing that he can't be around to help instead of your Mum?

Your Mum is either caught up in her own plans or (most likely) is fed up and doesn't want to do childcare, but doesnt want to tell you. She wants to get away. Maybe she's tired and wants a break now. Are you going to rely on her for childcare for new baby too, or want more childcare for eldest when new arrival is here?

I understand you want her around of course but I don't see that she's obliged to be. What she's done wrong here is, agree to childcare when she doesn't want to do it

I don't understand why anybody thinks trying to find an unfamiliar baby sitter for a 2 year old is a viable option. It's not going to make the OP comfortable enough to leave her child with overnight. I have a 2 year old and there's no way I'd leave him overnight with a random baby sitter I'd found 2 weeks before, anything could happen and he's not old enough to let us know if there was a problem! Also unless you live in London or similar I'm not sure where these fully vetted, last minute baby sitters with absolute overnight availability every night for the next 3 + weeks are supposed to come from.

It's really shitty of your Mum OP, it's not like she was baby sitting so you could go out for a meal and she agreed to it over 7 months ago. Of course she should have a holiday but there's another 11 months in the year. Equally of course she can say no to childcare but she didn't - she said yes!

I wouldn't ever agree to something to then say I couldn't do it because of a holiday (or any similar reason) and neither would my Mum or MIL or any other family member I can think of tbh. I really can't imagine how dysfunctional family relationships are for those who think your unreasonable to ask family for childcare for when you're giving birth and that your Mum is being perfectly reasonable here - she's not!

My mum did the exact same thing to me with one of my kids. I was annoyed but just pretended I didn't care. It's the type of thing she would do: she's a lovely amazing person but she's a real control freak.

I think YABU....You want your mum to miss out on her holiday because you want your husband to witness the childbirth! It's your husband's duty to look after LO or you guys can come up with an alternative, after all if your mum wasn't there you guys would have found a way out

I can empathise. When my second child arrived, my parents were in a different continent. It is hurtful, especially when practicalities are worrying and when we are hormonal. They didn’t really know my birth, after it happened and when they showed empathy for my SIL who’d had a c section , I just said, ‘I had an emergency c section, my daughter was fully breach and I went into labour with cord under her bum.’ They said, ‘oh, we don’t know about yours’. It affected me for a long time, so I get it.

I don’t however, think you stop your mum from going because that’s what she wants to do.

if I were you, I’d let the stable but busy sister take care of your toddler, whilst you and your husband see baby 2 into the world. Whilst she really does have her hands full, it’s only for one day that she will be even busier. It’s ok.

good luck. X

Not the main point but my first baby came 40 weeks 6 days and then my second baby went into labour 38 weeks 6 days... both naturally. So if the first was late doesn't necessarily mean the second will be!

Yabu for being a martyr to your mother's holiday

It's not your first child, so why wouldn't DH stay home with your eldest while you go into hospital to have your baby? Why do you need someone with you?

In your shoes (assuming your mum confirms she is away) I’d talk to the non addict sister (for obvious reasons) and ask your sister if she can have your daughter for the duration of your labour. Then what can you and DH do to build a relationship quickly with your toddler, what can you pay for to
take the load off her (cleaner, ready meals, daily summer nanny care for few hours) and what can you offer to do with her kids when her time comes?

The father of her children will be with her, supporting her in the hospital as she gives birth to their child.

OP I would be really upset and annoyed. She said she would help out and needs to follow through. It's not like she is backing out leaving you in a very difficult position My ILS will be minding DS when I have my 2nd baby next week. I'm not sure what we'd do if they backed out now. Well I do, I'd have to go to hospital alone.

Jesus Christ! Only on Mumsnet are women questioned for wanting their DH at the birth or their joint DC. God forbid a father should want to be there at the birth of his child!!! Doesnt matter if its 1st or 50th bloody child, why shouldn't he get to be there.

She hasn't just agreed to look after your LO while you go out for the night, this has been planned for months and of course you want DH with you while you give birth, your mum is definitely BU!

My mum and sister went abroad together over my due date.(US I'm in UK), knowing I have short labours (4 hours with my first from first contraction to delivery, 2 hours with my second) and my ex husband being the only other person I could call. Low and behold, had to call my ex husband (my current husband is baby's dad) at 4am, and gave birth at 4.46am. I've since realised that I'm on my own in life x

You are being unreasonable.

If there was an emergency there must be someone to have your child for 2-3 hours?

Like you've said it's a choice you made to have a second child.

I'm sure your little one would be fine with your sister, your husband doesn't need to be there until you're ready to give birth.

Other option is a home birth.