Did the right thing, now cut off from everything

[AnotherNaCha]

Confusing story in bullet points

• separated from DC’s father, not married. He was wealthy. He was also abusive
• he promised me a house in my name, various support - which I’ve been waiting for for about 3 years
• DC makes an allegation about father of a sexual nature
• I am advise to totally block or restrict access while allegations re investigated. Choose to restrict. He goes ballistic
• DC doesn’t repeat allegations, investigation is closed
• Ex then withdraws all support, has his family (who I was close to) cut me off completely, including from their will, takes me off his will, takes me off his life insurance. Says I have lost everything because I didn’t immediately poo poo the allegations and say he’d never do that. The promised house is now out of the question.
• Ive done all the childcare, drop offs, and everything, so he could continue his career. Now I have none and nothing. Yes I was an idiot not to get this sorted earlier, but was also suffering from the aftermath of his abuse

AIBU to think he’s been an absolute prick, “punishing” me when it was his behaviour under question? Sending my DC to stay with him after she told me what he’s said (it was serious) was the most awful moment of my life, now I’m getting “punished” for it?

So because a young child did not repeat something they said happened then it never happened? Is that your reality? I pray nothing ever happens to any of your children because you seem to automatically side with the man awfully easily. A young child doesnt just make these things up (and if she's not young and she did make it up, thats a problem too). How often have abusers got away with it because their victim became too scared to "repeat it"

I think you need a bigger stick to hit people over the head with the truth.

It still wasn't good and verbally abusive to his DD, telling her something that was sexual in nature, no matter who it was about. I wish the DD had been brave enough to tell her story to the police or whoever helps with this kind of problem.

I wish I knew what he said, but then, I admit I'm nosy.

Thank you!

Yes, I agree.

So as I understand it your ex thinks you made your child make the allegation?

I think it’s rare for a child ( you don’t say how old) to make sexual abuse allegations that are unfounded. Would it be possible for your child to see a therapist ? I agree it’s best for you not to ask questions though it’s natural to want to, but a trained therapist would know the right way to encourage your child to speak and would hopefully know truth from made up story.

I think you can apply through the courts representing yourself. Maybe worth looking into?

Unfortunately unequal finances give the wealthier partner the upper hand and you can see you put yourself in a vulnerable position. Looks like he’s going to exploit that to the full.

I think the craziest part of this whole post is how many people are standing up for the father. MN is usually full of "man hate" and how horrible a man is because he did some small insignificant thing. LTB yelled over the smallest thing. And I usually feel bad that so many men on here are automatically assumed evil just because they have a penis. Now we have a small child (assuming again, since she never said how old, but seems from the description she is young) saying she was told something sexual by her father and MN is all he didnt do anything wrong, she didnt repeat it. Have I fallen down the rabbit hole? Is this really MN?

You need to read all the posts

Geeze! It was something SAID, not done. You cannot put someone in jail for something they "might' have said if no one will confirm it.

Get a grip and learn how to read and comprehend.

And save your f'in prayers. My DD was a victim, and he got jail time because I fought for her. So save your false sense of self-righteous indignation and stick it.

So again, I'll ask. You think there is nothing wrong with a father (or any man) saying sexual things to a young child? Because that is sure how you are coming across.

Op not sure if this has been suggested/addressed up thread but can’t you take him to court for support? Just thinking of the Kyle Walker situation?!

Being in someone’s will means nothing, especially when you’re not related to them. I’ve changed my will a couple of times. I could even show a previous will to a family member and tell them they’re in it, whilst knowing I have an up to date, witnessed version and they would be none the wiser.

It sounds like you let being in the will cloud your judgement and you did things like give up your career and have a child without the security of marriage.

Given you are now concerned about your health, I think you should prioritise yourself and your dd’s wellbeing. Could you even afford a protracted legal battle?

the thing is, you are happy the SA abuse didn't happen, SS are happy the SA didn't happen

Look at it from his pov, he is carry on with his life, seeing his daughter, being exceptionally generous to his ex, and suddenly out of the blue he gets the worst possible allegation and is investigated for sexual abuse.

I don't understand why you don't understand how furious and distressed he is going to be.

The money and housing he promised you is a non issue here, cos you can provide that for yourself.

Either your daughter has been sexually abused (unlikely from what you have said) or your ex has faced devastating, life destroying false allegations.

Either way, this isn't about you, and your desire for as much money as possible. You are already getting maintenance, you are already getting housed, you want so much more, and don't seem to be able to put yourself in his position at all

He isn't gaslighting, and he isn't being unreasonable

I'm so sorry you are going through this but I have a friend in a similar situation, Her husband used to abuse her (physically and mentally) and now mentally abused her DD. It's SO incredibly obvious to see from people who know the situation well and it's actually a way of the father still controlling my friend.

It's horrendous and goes on and on. So so much social work intervention and the social workers (who change frequently) saying it seems like there is definitely abuse but the child covers up and won't say anything and so it falls through the cracks all the time. It's horrendous.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This way of cutting you off is another form of the abuse xx

@Tagyoureit this is really your response? Are you as abusive in real life. Get help. Seriously.

"So please, let me get this right...

Your child has accused your DH of abuse and you're reaction is "I'm not getting the money and house he promised me because I voiced this abuse!"?
And, right now, your AIBU is this isn't fair on me just because I voiced it?

YOU ARE BEYOND FUCKED UP!!! I HOPE YOUR DD GROWS UP AND LEAVES YOU AND YOUR FUCKED PERCEPTION OF THE WORLD, YOU ABSOLUTE MASSIVE TWAT!"

Can I just say that one of the worst things for what my friend is going through is that she can't talk to many people about it in RL because it sounds like she's making it up! Those who don't know her and the history.. it's so isolating to be a victim of abuse and even more so when you tell your story and people turn against you and call you things like a 'fucked up twat' - how awful.

Some of the responses on this thread are unhinged. Mumsnet at its worst.

So sorry for what you’ve been through OP! The shitty relationship, a horrific breakup, abuse allegations by your DD, the investigation, having to send your DD back to a toxic man for contact time and on top of that you’re now financially vulnerable.

Hope you get a good solicitor to help you sort out the last thing on that list and maybe therapy for you and your daughter to work through everything else.

You need some serious counselling for whatever has happened to you @Tagyoureit or you just need to grow up.

So he never married you. Whatever the reason, it was clear he wasn't prepared to just give you half of his wealth upon separation.

Your daughter is over 10 from what you say. If you were genuinely on a path to a career, you absolutely had the choice to return to it at anytime, as cost of childcare wouldn't have been much for him, and certainly when she started school. You need to take some responsibility for that choice to not go back to your career despite not being married.

You are now separated from an abuser, but still happy to accept what would seem to be over 50% of what your daughter costs are in child maintenance AND it would seem him paying your rent and even maybe more.

Sounds like you are very attached to his money, and therefore staying dependent on a man who you say was abusive rather than focusing on starting up your career again.

You do come across as money grabbing. Start to focus on building your financial independence and be a good female role model to your daughter.

The OP believed her DD and went through all the steps to protect her. Ultimately, nothing could be proved and now OP has lost the financial security for her and her child. it is valid to be upset and worried for their future and need support for that aspect of the situation. It is a continuation of the abuse that the child’s father would do this.

Nobody is hushing up child abuse. Nobody is saying it’s ok. Nobody here is “part of the problem”.

Ex then withdraws all support, has his family (who I was close to) cut me off completely, including from their will, takes me off his will, takes me off his life insurance. Says I have lost everything because I didn’t immediately poo poo the allegations and say he’d never do that. The promised house is now out of the question.

all emotional blackmail - albeit you can't surely expect his DP to include you in their will. Their DGC of course but not you I don't think, even if you were close as a consequence of marriage to their DS.

Ive done all the childcare, drop offs, and everything, so he could continue his career. Now I have none and nothing. Yes I was an idiot not to get this sorted earlier, but was also suffering from the aftermath of his abuse

Time to get your life back together, think about getting a job, and stop enabling his life and career. No time like the present!

Love that this snarky little post comes directly below a post from a family lawyer who says the opposite. What are your qualifications?

No I don’t understand why he’d be furious at me - why? And I HAD to shelve his distress in favour of protecting my daughter of any hint of potential abuse. There’s a process I was encouraged to follow to balance all of this. Why can’t HE see how distressing that was for me?

No? I’m NOT happy abuse didn’t happen or that she wasn’t being groomed. The SS worker just couldn’t get any proof so we have NO idea but on balance, very young children don’t come out with stuff like that and she repeated it to me only was probably too scared and smart enough to know something was up to say in front of police (at initial investigation meeting) and the way it is handled, the SS worker or police don’t ask them outright. He was being emotionally abusive to her before this. So it is not clear cut at all. I’m reasonably sure nothing is happening now because he’s had the shit sacred out of him.

So it’s not either/or.

Its not as easy as just providing for myself though is it - have been out of the workforce for years, supported him through his career and house renovation etc, put myself on the work backbench to do 99 per cent of childcare. I can’t just step back in, and I’m still doing all weekday childcare. I did all this believing he would keep his word about supporting me instead. And I do work from home - it pays very little and jobs are rare.

Someone is not being generous if they use their support to control you.

You are way too triggered by this. I’m sorry your mum didn’t believe you. Hide the thread and take a nap.

Like others, I think he was just keeping this house/ will/ money thing going to hang over you to keep you doing what he wants you to do. It was never going to happen. Come point you’d have done something not allowed and this would have happened anyway.

My advice would be to finalise your financial settlement and get it all tied up legally (court order/ settlement agreement or CMS). Don’t be dependent on his or his family’s goodwill. Know what you’re entitled to (especially for the kids) but make the break and ensure that you’re earning money/ financially independent going forward so you don’t need to worry about it.

Echoing others, OP....the money was always a form of control and he was always going to pull it for some reason. He's abusive and he can't see why an accusation of abuse would get him investigated, which means it's always going to be his interests first, even above his child's safety. You haven't lost anything because you were never going to get it anyway. I guess since you weren't married that also matters, since his assets were never legally shared with you, but that might not be a bad thing; sounds like he'd make a divorce unbearable. Although I've never heard of spousal maintenance when unmarried (it's rare enough these days anyway) and a quick Google suggests it doesn't happen in the UK. Where are you?