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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did the right thing, now cut off from everything

136 replies

AnotherNaCha · 20/07/2024 22:52

Confusing story in bullet points

  • separated from DC’s father, not married. He was wealthy. He was also abusive
  • he promised me a house in my name, various support - which I’ve been waiting for for about 3 years
  • DC makes an allegation about father of a sexual nature
  • I am advise to totally block or restrict access while allegations re investigated. Choose to restrict. He goes ballistic
  • DC doesn’t repeat allegations, investigation is closed
  • Ex then withdraws all support, has his family (who I was close to) cut me off completely, including from their will, takes me off his will, takes me off his life insurance. Says I have lost everything because I didn’t immediately poo poo the allegations and say he’d never do that. The promised house is now out of the question.
  • Ive done all the childcare, drop offs, and everything, so he could continue his career. Now I have none and nothing. Yes I was an idiot not to get this sorted earlier, but was also suffering from the aftermath of his abuse

AIBU to think he’s been an absolute prick, “punishing” me when it was his behaviour under question? Sending my DC to stay with him after she told me what he’s said (it was serious) was the most awful moment of my life, now I’m getting “punished” for it?

OP posts:
MyBreezyPombear · 21/07/2024 00:17

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:13

OK, yes, of course, no problem here, move along, nothing to see.

Father just abused his child, mother screams where's my money? Absolutely normal, no problem.

Show quote history

That's not what happened though. Mother reported the father, it was investigated and dropped. What's she meant to do?

libertybonds · 21/07/2024 00:19

He was never, ever, ever going to give you any of this money or property or whatever.

I agree that you have just wriggled a bit further out of his control.

However, you are not wrong that the way the system deals with child abuse allegations, and the fact that proven abusers still get access to their kids, is beyond fucked.

I have just gone through similar, but with my ex committing physical abuse which could have killed my daughter. It's been hell for me and legally it's like it never happened because it's seen as my word against his. It's been utterly mind+bending.

Sorry that this has all happened to you.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:19

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:15

No, you need to tell your ex to fuck off and protect your child rather than waiting for some hush money payout!

Show quote history

Are you drinking? That’s exactly what I did do. Protected my child knowing financially I’d be fucked. Of course I didn’t think twice. I knew it was coming.

This thread is about how fucked it is that he can then make me look like the one in the wrong for not “protecting him” and his family dropping me and him using it as some fucked up excuse to cut me off.

You are arguing against yourself. I already did all that and believe me, millions wouldn’t.

This thread is about how fucked up he his by trying to project all the shit onto me as my issue

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:22

libertybonds · 21/07/2024 00:19

He was never, ever, ever going to give you any of this money or property or whatever.

I agree that you have just wriggled a bit further out of his control.

However, you are not wrong that the way the system deals with child abuse allegations, and the fact that proven abusers still get access to their kids, is beyond fucked.

I have just gone through similar, but with my ex committing physical abuse which could have killed my daughter. It's been hell for me and legally it's like it never happened because it's seen as my word against his. It's been utterly mind+bending.

Sorry that this has all happened to you.

Oh I am so sorry for you and your poor DD. Mind bending indeed, esp when it ca be twisted that we are somehow in the wrong.

His family think I am evil?!

It really really needs to change.

Sending you lots of support

OP posts:
libertybonds · 21/07/2024 00:25

@AnotherNaCha thank you. I hope that your child is and remains safe and that you can find a way to get out from under your ex's thumb.

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:27

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:19

Are you drinking? That’s exactly what I did do. Protected my child knowing financially I’d be fucked. Of course I didn’t think twice. I knew it was coming.

This thread is about how fucked it is that he can then make me look like the one in the wrong for not “protecting him” and his family dropping me and him using it as some fucked up excuse to cut me off.

You are arguing against yourself. I already did all that and believe me, millions wouldn’t.

This thread is about how fucked up he his by trying to project all the shit onto me as my issue

Show quote history

Bit late for a tipple, if you ask me.
Why are you looking for a payout from such a shit? I'd prostitute myself before accepting money from a man who has abused my kid!

TheresaCrowd · 21/07/2024 00:29

I think he and his family see you not defending him, as you believing he may have sexually abused his child and that's obviously going to hurt.

However, you did absolutely the right thing and let the investigation take its course.

But I'm surprised that you're surprised his family don't want to give you any of their money when they die?

I imagine they'll (hopefully) provide for their grandchild, but it's still their money and their choice.

Besides, if/when he meets someone else and settles down, they'd probably take you out of their will anyway.

Forget the money you're not entitled to and claim what is rightfully yours.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:30

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:27

Bit late for a tipple, if you ask me.
Why are you looking for a payout from such a shit? I'd prostitute myself before accepting money from a man who has abused my kid!

Show quote history

Why have you decided he's abused his child?

Powerbelowseat · 21/07/2024 00:31

OP a similar thing happened to me. I have discovered through enormous pain and personal cost that there is a so-called process you are supposed to follow around these things in order to be a good mother, but as soon as you follow the process, there is very little support on all levels (both interpersonally and in terms of the system) for having done the right thing.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:32

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:27

Bit late for a tipple, if you ask me.
Why are you looking for a payout from such a shit? I'd prostitute myself before accepting money from a man who has abused my kid!

Show quote history

He hasn’t abused her. She said he’d said something and it came to nothing once investigated. There’s literally nothing more I can do legally. I bankrupted myself trying.

Prostitution, really? It’s still taking money from some deadshit who is probably abusing others

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:34

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:27

Bit late for a tipple, if you ask me.
Why are you looking for a payout from such a shit? I'd prostitute myself before accepting money from a man who has abused my kid!

Show quote history

How is taking money from sexual abusers as a prostitute, different from what you're accusing the OP of? 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:34

Powerbelowseat · 21/07/2024 00:31

OP a similar thing happened to me. I have discovered through enormous pain and personal cost that there is a so-called process you are supposed to follow around these things in order to be a good mother, but as soon as you follow the process, there is very little support on all levels (both interpersonally and in terms of the system) for having done the right thing.

Absolutely! Everyone said you have to protect your child etc etc, which I did. And then the rug is pulled on so many fronts. It’s actual insanity. Like a witch hunt. Blatant misogyny

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:34

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:32

He hasn’t abused her. She said he’d said something and it came to nothing once investigated. There’s literally nothing more I can do legally. I bankrupted myself trying.

Prostitution, really? It’s still taking money from some deadshit who is probably abusing others

Show quote history

So why did she say that?

And yeah, I'd rather take any abuse than my dd suffer! As a mother, that's not hard to understand, surely?

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:36

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:34

So why did she say that?

And yeah, I'd rather take any abuse than my dd suffer! As a mother, that's not hard to understand, surely?

Show quote history

It’s actually not a choice you get. You get to take the abuse and suffer and they still force your child back to its questionable father.

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:36

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:34

How is taking money from sexual abusers as a prostitute, different from what you're accusing the OP of? 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Principle!

You'd rather take money from a man who abused your dd? Really?

Divebar2021 · 21/07/2024 00:36

I don’t know why the police weren’t investigating that allegation if it was in relation to a criminal offence. Regardless there’s no way anyone can say it didn’t happen - they can only say there’s insufficient evidence to proceed. Social workers lead on the overall welfare and police lead on the criminal allegations and they should conduct a joint investigation. If the child won’t repeat the allegation then I’m concerned she’s either very young or the person speaking with her didn’t spend enough time building a rapport with her. I’m concerned they’ve fucked that investigation up and you’re still sending her…. Sorry not what you want to hear.

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:38

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:36

Principle!

You'd rather take money from a man who abused your dd? Really?

Show quote history

I wouldn't take money off any abusive men unlike yourself Confused

LameBorzoi · 21/07/2024 00:41

OP, you were never going to get that money / house, and he would have found a way to damage the relationship between you and his patents, no matter what you did.

Edingril · 21/07/2024 00:41

I am thinking people should read and sign a contract before having sex

  • before continuing how do you think they would be a good parent?
  • you don't own children the other parents have rights so think of that before sleeping with them

You are an adult you need to stand on your own 2 feet and stop relying on others

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:41

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:38

I wouldn't take money off any abusive men unlike yourself Confused

Show quote history

I'd rather be on the bread line prostituting myself rather than taking any money off a man whose sexually abused my child!!

Sit on your high and mighty throne all you want, but until you're in that position, don't judge!

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:43

Edingril · 21/07/2024 00:41

I am thinking people should read and sign a contract before having sex

  • before continuing how do you think they would be a good parent?
  • you don't own children the other parents have rights so think of that before sleeping with them

You are an adult you need to stand on your own 2 feet and stop relying on others

There's a need for that contract!! Evidence of it everyday here!!

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:44

Edingril · 21/07/2024 00:41

I am thinking people should read and sign a contract before having sex

  • before continuing how do you think they would be a good parent?
  • you don't own children the other parents have rights so think of that before sleeping with them

You are an adult you need to stand on your own 2 feet and stop relying on others

I’m thinking people should have a contract to learn about coercive control and the type of abuse which typically starts after you’ve had a baby before they make these victim-blaming comments

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/07/2024 00:45

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:41

I'd rather be on the bread line prostituting myself rather than taking any money off a man whose sexually abused my child!!

Sit on your high and mighty throne all you want, but until you're in that position, don't judge!

Show quote history

Except he didn't sexually abuse her

What is your problem?

It didn't happen and she still has to go to her father.

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:46

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:41

I'd rather be on the bread line prostituting myself rather than taking any money off a man whose sexually abused my child!!

Sit on your high and mighty throne all you want, but until you're in that position, don't judge!

Show quote history

I'm sorry, I didn't realise you've had to prostitute yourself to sexually abusive men.

You didn't actually say you've been in that position, to be fair.

BobbyBiscuits · 21/07/2024 00:47

You've not lost anything, other than the burden of an abuser around your neck.
Imagine he doesn't exist. Most people don't expect houses and to be in the will of their ex's family. You get CMS and you work and rent or buy your own house.
I'd be absolutely shocked that he potentially abused your child and I would fully believe them. I would not believe him, or listen to a word he says. Block him and move on with your life.
And get your child some counselling.