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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did the right thing, now cut off from everything

136 replies

AnotherNaCha · 20/07/2024 22:52

Confusing story in bullet points

  • separated from DC’s father, not married. He was wealthy. He was also abusive
  • he promised me a house in my name, various support - which I’ve been waiting for for about 3 years
  • DC makes an allegation about father of a sexual nature
  • I am advise to totally block or restrict access while allegations re investigated. Choose to restrict. He goes ballistic
  • DC doesn’t repeat allegations, investigation is closed
  • Ex then withdraws all support, has his family (who I was close to) cut me off completely, including from their will, takes me off his will, takes me off his life insurance. Says I have lost everything because I didn’t immediately poo poo the allegations and say he’d never do that. The promised house is now out of the question.
  • Ive done all the childcare, drop offs, and everything, so he could continue his career. Now I have none and nothing. Yes I was an idiot not to get this sorted earlier, but was also suffering from the aftermath of his abuse

AIBU to think he’s been an absolute prick, “punishing” me when it was his behaviour under question? Sending my DC to stay with him after she told me what he’s said (it was serious) was the most awful moment of my life, now I’m getting “punished” for it?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:00

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 20/07/2024 23:57

Why does he owe you a house, a cut of his will and a cut of his family's will?

Claim the maintenance you're entitled to and move on with your life.

Because that’s what he promised. I gave up my career (yes stupidly) to renovate a house with him which he then sold and pocketed every last penny, did IVF based on his issues, and supported his career for 10 years while I looked after our child - his parents adored me so had put me in their will on their own accord. It’s not exactly fair is it?

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:01

People moaning at me are completely missing the point of child being abused here!

But yet my swearing upsets you more, typical mumsnet!

wejammin · 21/07/2024 00:01

Abuse issues aside, just a legal point that if one separated parent is wealthy the other parent can make a claim over and above CMS amounts for payments, housing, school fees etc. Regardless of marriage or no marriage.
OP I can see that you're aware of this, it's just some of the other posters who have got it wrong (I'm a family lawyer btw)

In terms of costs of making the application you can apply for him to pay your costs.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:02

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:00

Because that’s what he promised. I gave up my career (yes stupidly) to renovate a house with him which he then sold and pocketed every last penny, did IVF based on his issues, and supported his career for 10 years while I looked after our child - his parents adored me so had put me in their will on their own accord. It’s not exactly fair is it?

Edited
Show quote history

No, but life isn't fair is it?

You weren't married and it's his money (apart from the maintenance he owes you), so in order for you to move on, you're going to have to stand on your own two feet.

Unfortunately 'fair' doesn't come into it without a marriage.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:03

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:01

People moaning at me are completely missing the point of child being abused here!

But yet my swearing upsets you more, typical mumsnet!

Edited

I think you just need to grow up and discuss the subject like an adult, or hide the thread really.

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:04

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:00

Because that’s what he promised. I gave up my career (yes stupidly) to renovate a house with him which he then sold and pocketed every last penny, did IVF based on his issues, and supported his career for 10 years while I looked after our child - his parents adored me so had put me in their will on their own accord. It’s not exactly fair is it?

Edited
Show quote history

Can you not see how disgustingly selfish this comes across when you say your dd says she was abuse by this man??

C0rdeliaChase · 21/07/2024 00:04

Tagyoureit · 20/07/2024 23:56

Yes, abuse of a child is clearly something that should be spoken about in hushed tones and never defended!

But, just so you understand, I shall whisper.... 'you're part of the fucking problem!'

Show quote history

No, you're part of the problem and clearly never read the OP properly.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:04

mrsdineen2 · 20/07/2024 23:59

In the kindest way, you're focusing on the wrong thing. Where did your child get that allegation from?

I hope to god the authorities are correct to conclude it didn't happen, but even in that case you need to focus on your child and what made them say that. The money is a distant second.

The thing is, OF COURSE that is always on my mind. How do you think I feel having to legally send her to him all the time? And not be allowed to push her for info or else be done for alienation. Have you not read in the news how the system works against mothers and children in this situation?

That is a constant issue. And for the record, I believe she is totally safe.

This AIBU has just arisen today, as an aside, because it feels bloody unjust. Its basic gaslighting so wanted some confirmation of that.

OP posts:
Paul2023 · 21/07/2024 00:05

If you’re no longer together, I would assume you wouldn’t be in his will anyway ?..Why would he financially support you ?

The only thing you’re entitled to is child maintenance. I can’t see how you’d get anything else from him.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:06

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:04

Can you not see how disgustingly selfish this comes across when you say your dd says she was abuse by this man??

Show quote history

What are you on? DC didn’t say that. I have fought that fight as far as I can and believe she is totally safe now.

This is a SEPARATE issue.

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:08

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:04

The thing is, OF COURSE that is always on my mind. How do you think I feel having to legally send her to him all the time? And not be allowed to push her for info or else be done for alienation. Have you not read in the news how the system works against mothers and children in this situation?

That is a constant issue. And for the record, I believe she is totally safe.

This AIBU has just arisen today, as an aside, because it feels bloody unjust. Its basic gaslighting so wanted some confirmation of that.

Show quote history

This AIBU has just arisen today, as an aside, because it feels bloody unjust. Its basic gaslighting so wanted some confirmation of that.

How is he gaslighting you?

He's told you straight out you're not getting what he promised because he's angry you thought he might've abused his child.

He's not pretending he didn't promise it in the first place?

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thank you, yes we're all aware of that?

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:09

Paul2023 · 21/07/2024 00:05

If you’re no longer together, I would assume you wouldn’t be in his will anyway ?..Why would he financially support you ?

The only thing you’re entitled to is child maintenance. I can’t see how you’d get anything else from him.

He is a very high earner with high assets. He actually has to pay spousal maintenance even if unmarried. We have just been doing it through no legal channels.

I think he wanted his DC to be comfortable and realised he’d been unfair to me and was well off enough to do the decent thing, which his parents were pushing him to do. Until now

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:10

MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:08

This AIBU has just arisen today, as an aside, because it feels bloody unjust. Its basic gaslighting so wanted some confirmation of that.

How is he gaslighting you?

He's told you straight out you're not getting what he promised because he's angry you thought he might've abused his child.

He's not pretending he didn't promise it in the first place?

Show quote history

The gaslighting is making out the allegation was my fault.

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 21/07/2024 00:11

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:09

He is a very high earner with high assets. He actually has to pay spousal maintenance even if unmarried. We have just been doing it through no legal channels.

I think he wanted his DC to be comfortable and realised he’d been unfair to me and was well off enough to do the decent thing, which his parents were pushing him to do. Until now

Show quote history

You'll have to go through the legal channels then.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OK. You need to fuck off.

OP posts:
MonsteraMama · 21/07/2024 00:11

I know it's not my business, but you say he was abusive when you were together. Was coercive control a part of that? Because if so, all these promises he made you are just an extension of that abuse - something to hold over you. Try and reframe this in your head as you finally being free of that. Claim CMS, limit communicating with him and his family to being just about your child, keep doing everything you can for your child.

I'm sorry you and DC have been through so much.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:12

MonsteraMama · 21/07/2024 00:11

I know it's not my business, but you say he was abusive when you were together. Was coercive control a part of that? Because if so, all these promises he made you are just an extension of that abuse - something to hold over you. Try and reframe this in your head as you finally being free of that. Claim CMS, limit communicating with him and his family to being just about your child, keep doing everything you can for your child.

I'm sorry you and DC have been through so much.

This is really good advice.

As soon as you do that you can move on, rather than worry about what might've been financially.

Original poster
AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:13

MonsteraMama · 21/07/2024 00:11

I know it's not my business, but you say he was abusive when you were together. Was coercive control a part of that? Because if so, all these promises he made you are just an extension of that abuse - something to hold over you. Try and reframe this in your head as you finally being free of that. Claim CMS, limit communicating with him and his family to being just about your child, keep doing everything you can for your child.

I'm sorry you and DC have been through so much.

Yes massive coercive control! My solicitor for the child issue read outs emails and flagged it as such.

So you are absolutely right and the reframe is massively helpful!

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:13

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 21/07/2024 00:09

Thank you, yes we're all aware of that?

Show quote history

OK, yes, of course, no problem here, move along, nothing to see.

Father just abused his child, mother screams where's my money? Absolutely normal, no problem.

Quitelikeit · 21/07/2024 00:13

I didn’t n ie high earners had to pay spousal support and provide housing!

I guess that’s why Kyle Walker has given lauryn Goodman a house

Quitelikeit · 21/07/2024 00:14

Why did the child say it if it wasn’t true?

Tagyoureit · 21/07/2024 00:15

AnotherNaCha · 21/07/2024 00:11

OK. You need to fuck off.

Show quote history

No, you need to tell your ex to fuck off and protect your child rather than waiting for some hush money payout!

WonderfulUsername · 21/07/2024 00:15

Do you have a job OP?