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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kidney transplant not heard from family member I’m so upset

125 replies

Brigette67 · 20/07/2024 22:45

My sister lives a 10 min drive from me. Our parents have both passed away and our sibling relationship has been up and down over the years like many families, nothing in particular just ups and downs but we grew closer after our mums 5 years ago
my only child needed a Kidney transplant recently he’s only 18 and was in the middle of A levels. we had less than two weeks notice for a theatre date we thought we had much longer but he was got so ill we had to accept the date offered
My husband was going to be the donor so the thought of having both husband and son in surgery together filled me with so much anxiety and I had so much to organise in the lead up to surgeries as well as accompanying my son and husband for pre op tests. It was terrifying and exhausting.
I let my sister know by text as soon as I got the theatre date and I got a reply saying hope it goes well let me know if you need anything.

After surgery It was a horrible situation to be in and splitting my time on my own between both patients who were in different wards, I was there 12 hours a day and was staying in a hotel to be close to the,. I’ve been so scared and worried. I had a what’s app group where I broadcast daily updates of my son and husbands progress which at one point the kidney was rejecting so it was very frightening. My messages were to all my friends including my sister and she would reply ok thanks for letting me know but she never reached out to me asked if she could do anything to help - nothing but silence.

This is now the bit that has really upset me is that she has not called me once or messaged me since we’ve been home other than one text to say she was going on holiday for a week and that she will be away.

It will be three months next week since their operations which is a big milestone as my son will be out of the risk free zone.

in three months I’ve had not one phone call or message from her. I could message her but I don’t feel like I have the capacity to- my husband and son are fed up with me as I’ve been so upset about her lack of contact and the energy is getting worse as each week goes past and I’m in tears - I should be celebrating my sons new life but this has overtaken my daily mindset and not fair on my family when they see how upset I’ve been
In ten days time it is my sisters 60th birthday - I feel like I want to ignore it but that is not my nature. With gritted teeth do I go round and give her a gift and say nothing or do I tell her I’m totally pissed off and it all blow up again and we don’t talk.
She is an angry person, not aggressive but just in her tone and doesn’t seem happy with her lot , she does’nt work so there’s no excuse to say she has as no time to call me, she spends a lot of time watching daytime to programmes.

Do i let her know I’m upset ? I know it won’t change anything or her attitude , she will not even think that anything is wrong
Do I organise to do something with her for her birthday and give her a gift ?
Do I just forget and move on and act like nothing has happened
Or do i cut her from my life ? She’s clearly not bothered about my son and husband or me and what I’ve been through
AIBU by expecting my sister to contact me ?
I don’t want to know have this stress and I’m sensitive so not sure If there is even an issue but I think is if a family member cannot be bothered to help out even with a call, message or come round and see my family and tell them everything and how awful it was. It’s not normal ?

OP posts:
combinationpadlock · 20/07/2024 22:49

well, she doesn't see you as close, obviously, and she has given the support she thinks is appropriate. Don't bother with a birthday present or anything, not as "revenge" but because you don't have the sort of relationship that would make a birthday present appropriate.

combinationpadlock · 20/07/2024 22:50

And just move on, she is only a sister, you didn't choose to be sisters, you don't owe each other anything, I don't think you are being reasonable to give this so much head space, but maybe just being irrational as a response to stress?

Comedycook · 20/07/2024 22:50

That's really shitty. Yanbu.

Bigsislookingforadvice · 20/07/2024 22:51

Valid feelings of upset considering but unfortunately you can't make people be as nice as you are to them.
I'd send a card so as to acknowledge/ mark her birthday but nothing more tbh.
Try to focus on your son, husband and your brighter future together

CountFucula · 20/07/2024 22:52

I’d say let her know. You don’t have to make a huge deal out of it but in my view selfish people often get away with active selfishness when they are not challenged.
she might have a good reason. You could simply say, I was surprised not to hear from you, I missed you and could have done with your support.
See what she says. She might feel that as you were giving updates she didn’t need to contact you or something.

loropianalover · 20/07/2024 22:54

It sounds like you feel understandably helpless about the huge health concerns your DS and DH have been facing in illness, op, and recovery, and you are grabbing onto something else that is sad/frustrating but not as monumental. By directing all of your sadness and fear into the situation with your sister you are subconsciously stopping yourself from facing your biggest fear which is something going wrong with DS and DH recovery.

Let it go and be with your family. Enjoy watching them get better each day and embrace your son’s new chance at life. Text your sister on her birthday and leave it at that.

Saintmariesleuth · 20/07/2024 22:55

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your son- I hope he and your husband are recovering well. I am sure it has been very stressful for you.

Your sister's behaviour sounds a bit odd- prior to this, were you close? Has she always been the sort of person who would help out others when needed? Did you ever respond to one of her messages with something that you needed?

I think you do need to speak to her, but I don't think her 60th birthday is the time to do it. You need to be calm and clear in what you want to say- I don't think you are at that stage currently (not a criticism, just an observation).

Comedycook · 20/07/2024 22:55

combinationpadlock · 20/07/2024 22:50

And just move on, she is only a sister, you didn't choose to be sisters, you don't owe each other anything, I don't think you are being reasonable to give this so much head space, but maybe just being irrational as a response to stress?

Only a sister? That's a close relative...I'd expect a lot more. I don't think the op is being unreasonable and I don't think she feels this way because she's stressed. I think this is a really awful way to treat a relative who is going through something so huge.

Luminousalumnus · 20/07/2024 23:00

I'd just send a card.
Happy big birthday sis, hope all is well with you. Love etc
Then I would never contact her again. If she ever contacts you, then tell her how difficult it all was and how you felt let down by her.

Original poster
Brigette67 · 20/07/2024 23:00

CountFucula · 20/07/2024 22:52

I’d say let her know. You don’t have to make a huge deal out of it but in my view selfish people often get away with active selfishness when they are not challenged.
she might have a good reason. You could simply say, I was surprised not to hear from you, I missed you and could have done with your support.
See what she says. She might feel that as you were giving updates she didn’t need to contact you or something.

Thank you my my what’s app group finished when my son and husband got home so it’s been a good ten weeks since and not once asked if we are ok or If i needed some help or someone to talk to. Ironically my mum was in hospital 4 months with cancer - my sister visited once in 16 weeks ! It’s prob not a surprise but somehow I thought she would be there for me and I’m really making me ill at her lack of empathy

OP posts:
diktat · 20/07/2024 23:00

Are you older? What did she do for your 60th? I would just do similar.

If she gave you a card, post her a card. No need to go round there.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/07/2024 23:02

You've been through an incredibly stressful experience and you've got the ongoing demands of adjustment and the future monitoring/care combined with your DS growing up.

Focusing more on you than external things - I think you need access to talking therapies - because of what's happened to you and your loved ones. Should you be celebrating? I'm not so sure there's any should about it, as you've had a trauma and no time to decompress. Maybe you've felt so helpless when everyone else had a 'job' - patient and donor/recipient. Maybe because you wanted to do something but couldn't, that makes her not doing something harder. Maybe she's just a dick and you need to vent about that. Maybe you wanted to be able to talk about things, but she's not been there.

Therapy for you could help unpick your feelings, your trauma, your loss of security around your DS?

Crazycrazylady · 20/07/2024 23:04

Honestly I'm not sure I'd bother with a pressie etc. I would text her a very similar message to the one she sent you on her birthday and leave it there.
She clearly doesn't see ye as close so If she mentions the lack of pressir, I'd raise it then in a non aggressive way

StarDolphins · 20/07/2024 23:04

I wouldn’t take a gift or go to see her. Instead, I would message her on the day, wishing her a lovely birthday & leave it at that. She’s not been there for you.

SoftPillowAllNight · 20/07/2024 23:07

Don't waste your energy fighting with her. Ignore the birthday, you have a lot going on and she's not worth your time. It does hurt but arguing will only make it worse and make you vulnerable. Save your focus for those that deserve it.

CountFucula · 20/07/2024 23:07

Brigette67 · 20/07/2024 23:00

Thank you my my what’s app group finished when my son and husband got home so it’s been a good ten weeks since and not once asked if we are ok or If i needed some help or someone to talk to. Ironically my mum was in hospital 4 months with cancer - my sister visited once in 16 weeks ! It’s prob not a surprise but somehow I thought she would be there for me and I’m really making me ill at her lack of empathy

Show quote history

I’m really sorry OP - she sounds incredibly careless. It’s not you- it’s her. It must hurt when you expected more but she doesn’t sound capable of being there for anyone.

Original poster
Brigette67 · 20/07/2024 23:08

Comedycook · 20/07/2024 22:55

Only a sister? That's a close relative...I'd expect a lot more. I don't think the op is being unreasonable and I don't think she feels this way because she's stressed. I think this is a really awful way to treat a relative who is going through something so huge.

Show quote history

Thanks you’ve hit the nail on the head it’s a horrible way to treat me and ,y nephew and husband - it’s not like my son has had a tooth pulled he’s had a life saving op which was huge x

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 20/07/2024 23:09

I might be tempted to "forget". You have had so much to deal with over the past few months, it's not beyond the bounds of reason that it could have passed you by. Many would have forgotten. You haven't, and that's to your credit.

I would sit tight, not say anything and let it unfold. If she contacts you, then remind her that both DH and DS have been recovering from major surgery, and you have been non-stop.

💐

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/07/2024 23:09

Oh sweetheart.

My husband was at deaths door in 2017, the head of ICU held my hand and said he was there for me. My 14 year old boy was home by himself (as was our 23 year old daughter in her home - I hadn’t told them how serious it was, couldn’t bring myself to tell them)

I would find that really, really hard to come back from.

How are you doing?

seeminglyranch · 20/07/2024 23:09

loropianalover · 20/07/2024 22:54

It sounds like you feel understandably helpless about the huge health concerns your DS and DH have been facing in illness, op, and recovery, and you are grabbing onto something else that is sad/frustrating but not as monumental. By directing all of your sadness and fear into the situation with your sister you are subconsciously stopping yourself from facing your biggest fear which is something going wrong with DS and DH recovery.

Let it go and be with your family. Enjoy watching them get better each day and embrace your son’s new chance at life. Text your sister on her birthday and leave it at that.

Wise advice here. I’m gutted for you OP as a caring sister is exactly what you need in these stressful times. I’m sorry you don’t have one but just send a quick text and be done with it. Wishing your husband and son continued strength and recovery 💐

InWalksBarberalla · 20/07/2024 23:10

I think you need to accept that this is who she is. At this stage it's causing you more upset dwelling on it. She isn't going to change and become more supportive and caring. I'd probably send a text on her birthday or ignore depending on how you feel on the day.

CeruleanDive · 20/07/2024 23:11

Drop the rope.

Drop all expectations of her or of having any kind of sibling relationship with her. In your absolute hour of need she had nothing to say or any kindness to offer. It's over.

Buying her a birthday present would be slightly ridiculous after all that.

You don't need to say anything. You're never going to get what you want from her. If you can just let go and expect nothing, it will save you a lot of pain. It's the (perfectly normal) expectations that trigger the pain.

But if it is preoccupying you, then you might need some help with that.

Noseybookworm · 20/07/2024 23:12

You can't control how your sister behaves but you can control how you respond/react. Stop fixating on her lack of support and focus on the people who are important in your life - yourself and your husband and son. Celebrate his new found health and do things together that bring you joy. Be grateful for time together, it's such a blessing. You don't have to row with your sister, you just need to accept that this is who she is. Send her a text or a card for her birthday and don't waste any more energy over something you can't change.

NervousSubject · 20/07/2024 23:18

Noseybookworm · 20/07/2024 23:12

You can't control how your sister behaves but you can control how you respond/react. Stop fixating on her lack of support and focus on the people who are important in your life - yourself and your husband and son. Celebrate his new found health and do things together that bring you joy. Be grateful for time together, it's such a blessing. You don't have to row with your sister, you just need to accept that this is who she is. Send her a text or a card for her birthday and don't waste any more energy over something you can't change.

This. There’s absolutely no point being angry she’s not a different person, or wishing that you had a different relationship. For support when you need it, focus on the people who do have your back. Best wishes to your DH and DS.

Roryno · 20/07/2024 23:19

I think you find out who your friends are/who you can rely on during the toughest times. She’s not one of the good ones. I’d send her a card. If she dares say anything remotely insinuating that you should have done more I’d tell her you’re still hurt that she wasn’t remotely there for you and she’s lucky you got a card.