Kidney transplant not heard from family member I’m so upset

[Brigette67]

My sister lives a 10 min drive from me. Our parents have both passed away and our sibling relationship has been up and down over the years like many families, nothing in particular just ups and downs but we grew closer after our mums 5 years ago
my only child needed a Kidney transplant recently he’s only 18 and was in the middle of A levels. we had less than two weeks notice for a theatre date we thought we had much longer but he was got so ill we had to accept the date offered
My husband was going to be the donor so the thought of having both husband and son in surgery together filled me with so much anxiety and I had so much to organise in the lead up to surgeries as well as accompanying my son and husband for pre op tests. It was terrifying and exhausting.
I let my sister know by text as soon as I got the theatre date and I got a reply saying hope it goes well let me know if you need anything.

After surgery It was a horrible situation to be in and splitting my time on my own between both patients who were in different wards, I was there 12 hours a day and was staying in a hotel to be close to the,. I’ve been so scared and worried. I had a what’s app group where I broadcast daily updates of my son and husbands progress which at one point the kidney was rejecting so it was very frightening. My messages were to all my friends including my sister and she would reply ok thanks for letting me know but she never reached out to me asked if she could do anything to help - nothing but silence.

This is now the bit that has really upset me is that she has not called me once or messaged me since we’ve been home other than one text to say she was going on holiday for a week and that she will be away.

It will be three months next week since their operations which is a big milestone as my son will be out of the risk free zone.

in three months I’ve had not one phone call or message from her. I could message her but I don’t feel like I have the capacity to- my husband and son are fed up with me as I’ve been so upset about her lack of contact and the energy is getting worse as each week goes past and I’m in tears - I should be celebrating my sons new life but this has overtaken my daily mindset and not fair on my family when they see how upset I’ve been
In ten days time it is my sisters 60th birthday - I feel like I want to ignore it but that is not my nature. With gritted teeth do I go round and give her a gift and say nothing or do I tell her I’m totally pissed off and it all blow up again and we don’t talk.
She is an angry person, not aggressive but just in her tone and doesn’t seem happy with her lot , she does’nt work so there’s no excuse to say she has as no time to call me, she spends a lot of time watching daytime to programmes.

Do i let her know I’m upset ? I know it won’t change anything or her attitude , she will not even think that anything is wrong
Do I organise to do something with her for her birthday and give her a gift ?
Do I just forget and move on and act like nothing has happened
Or do i cut her from my life ? She’s clearly not bothered about my son and husband or me and what I’ve been through
AIBU by expecting my sister to contact me ?
I don’t want to know have this stress and I’m sensitive so not sure If there is even an issue but I think is if a family member cannot be bothered to help out even with a call, message or come round and see my family and tell them everything and how awful it was. It’s not normal ?

She said in her message to you at the beginning "let me know if you need anything", maybe in her mind she was waiting to hear from you. Not saying its right, but maybe she thought she contacting you would be a bother to you or something. Again, not saying that would be right, but she did say to let her know if you needed anything, so why not let her know you need something (even if its just someone to talk to).

Stuff your sister - focus on your son and husband , they are the only people to worry out .
Personally if I had a sister I would expect a bit more than a text asking me to say if I needed anything
text her on her Birthday “Happy Birthday x “ and leave it at that . Your son needs you x

What a horrendous time you have all had, thank goodness your DH and son are on the road to recovery.

It's so hurtful to be disappointed by those you should be able to rely upon. I agree with the above posters you've got to put it behind you, stop dwelling on it. Accept, she is not going to be there for you (or your mother by the sounds of it) and get on with your life..

Send a birthday text, or a generic birthday card if you are feeling generous. You don't need to spend time with fussing about a present when you looking after your DH and son.

I agree with this. If I've said to someone 'let us know if we can help' then I genuinely mean it, but probably wouldn't ask again for fear or bothering you, especially if I were getting regular updates so the need to proactively check in with you was removed.

From my sibling I'd expect a message outside of the group chat to say 'I need you' if they needed me, and I'd be there like a shot.

I'm not saying for one moment she couldn't have been more caring and persistent, of course she could, but using up your energy and time being angry with her 3 months on isn't doing anyone any good at all. It won't change anything that's gone and will only cause you more hurt.

Wish her a Happy Birthday if you want to, and then draw a line under it, get back to celebrating your Son and your DH's health and keep your distance going forward.

Wishing all the best for their ongoing improvement x

I'd match her energy. She obviously doesn't see you as close.

I'd send a card for her birthday as a courtesy but nothing more.

I'm not sure if I would confront her as it's unlikely to bring you peace.

I think she sounds very callous and it's understandable you're upset. However, if dwelling on this is making you ill, there may be an element of focusing all the pent up stress, anger and powerlessness you must have felt recently on her behaviour. Please try to step back from that and concentrate on the positives, like your son's recovery.

I most certainly wouldn't be acknowledging her 60th though!

I can see why your husband and son are getting fed up with you. They have been through quite an ordeal but you are focusing on and crying about your sister disappointing you.

It is upsetting if we discover that we don’t mean much to relatives but please stop allowing that over shadow the joy of your husband and son coming through the transplant and now being in the clear. She really isn’t worth it

I’d probably give a small gift, nothing major and I’d probably leave it on the doorstep or have it delivered direct. I certainly wouldn’t be asking her if she wanted to do something. She has shown you how much effort she makes for you and your family, I’d be distancing myself from her now

exactly nothing life saving I do know that

Thank you

Forget about your sister, OP - you said yourself, there have always been ups and downs. You don't seem to like her very much, so why keep bothering? There is no reason for siblings to stay close when they're adults.
Just concentrate on your husband and son, and your very good friends.

I suspect you are concentrating on your sister as it's easier than dealing with the trauma you have had going on in your own life. The emotional response to her lack of contact is a reflection of your inner fear and grief at having to face the potential loss of the two most important people in your life. I think you need to start focussing on what you're actually feeling and reaching out to them both. Hugging is very healing. It's scary dealing with big emotions, but they hurt you most while you're trying to squash them down or displace them. They're already damaging your relationships. If you can get some counselling. Take care and I'm glad they're both ok, but it doesn't mean it hasn't taken a huge toll on you all

@Brigette67, is she married? Kids?

She doesn't sound quite right to me, to be sitting around watching daytime tv when close relatives are going through something like that.

Just trying to understand what she is like normally and what her usual relationships are like?

But from what you have written did be inclined to post a 60th birthday card and leave it at that.

Dont ignore her birthday as that gives her ammunition. But don't visit or take a gift as you have enough on your plate.

But send a card to be the bigger person, then leave her to it.

I would send a card in the post with a short happy birthday message. If she later questions it (why no present, why no celebration?) then I'd tell her exactly how I was feeling and why.

Yes she’s married, has no friends other than her husband’s friends wives and has two grown up daughters. One daughter has told me that she sits watching tv all day and doesn’t go out much so I know there’s some kind of mental health problem however she can be sociable when she wants to. She can be kind with birthday gifts however a family is just not for birthdays and Christmas and nothing in between. , I want to be empathetic if she has problems not that I know she has but equally she’s very reactive and not pro active. She needs me more than i need her that I know but I am deeply hurt thanks for your advice

In the nicest way possible, you are focusing on the wrong thing. Are you finding yourself with more time on your hands to ruminate, now that your son and husband are getting better? Your son and husband are your priority - why are you allowing yourself to give her behaviour so much headspace that it’s actually making you ill?

Given that she only visited your mum once in hospital, I think it’s clear what you’re dealing with - your choices are go NC, or just accept that this is the relationship you have and it’s not going to get any better.

Is she normally a very literal person? She said let me know if you need anything, you didn’t ask for anything

(yes I know we shouldn’t have to ask but some people don’t operate on that wavelength )

I do think you have maybe shifted your focus and energy into being upset about this as it is easier to deal with than all of the other trauma you have experienced recently.

However, taking it at face value. It sounds like your sister doesn't manage relationships well (no friends of her own, only her DH), it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care, maybe even care deeply, but as you identified she is reactive not proactive. I wonder if you had reached out to her and asked her for something if she would have done it? Maybe being proactive just isn't something she can do (due to personality/ MH / something else)

If that relationship doesn't work for you that's fine and you can absolutely withdraw from it, we don't have to stay in touch with people just because we are related to them.

I would send a birthday card ( for your own peace of mind ) and leave it at that.

I would send her a message on her birthday wishing her a Happy one. I wouldn’t make a big fuss of it. It you want to buy her a gift then do so but I wouldn’t rush around with it. You could put in the text that you will give her a present when you next see her. My bet is that she will suddenly pop round or get in touch to receive her gift. It’s very difficult for you and for us to judge as we don’t know her mental state.

Send her a card and nothing else. You have had enough stress and worry to deal with without worrying about her, put her to back of your mind

You and your family have just come out of a traumatic ordeal, which you’ve probably had to stay strong and focus all your energy on your son. This is the lull after the storm when everything hits you, it’s another part of the journey that you will survive. Try and not to waste anymore time worrying about your sister’s lack of empathy and understanding, that’s her problem not yours. Enjoy your time with your son and husband looking forward not backwards. It’s a fantastic milestone that you’ve all reached, celebrate it.

Focus on what really matters, your own family surviving major surgery and life threatening illness. Sisters who couldn't give a damn about anyone but themselves are two a penny, and certainly not worth wasting precious time on, when you could be making wonderful memories with those who do give a shit.

Shame on her-terrible behaviour. Whether she is depressed or not, she can raise her game when it suits her. And she should have supported you and your family.

You have got to find it in yourself to rise above her behaviour and focus on how well your son and husband are doing.

re her birthday I’d get her a card and a smaller gift than you would normally get, let her birthday pass and if you still feel the same then say something to her.

Bloody hell OP. I'm really sorry.

My sisters and I get on ok, we live a long way from each other and that impacts how close we are. When my DD was in hospital (and it was nowhere near as serious as your DS and DH) I found I really valued the support of my sisters. I'm really close to some of my friends and they were very kind to me. I felt I could show how vulnerable I felt more easily to my sisters though if that makes any sense at all?

I think you should have been able to count on that support and I'm sorry it was missing for you.

I don't like all the drama of 'no contact' and tend to advocate keeping the peace. In your circumstances I would just send a card on her birthday and leave it at that.