Kidney transplant not heard from family member I’m so upset

[Brigette67]

My sister lives a 10 min drive from me. Our parents have both passed away and our sibling relationship has been up and down over the years like many families, nothing in particular just ups and downs but we grew closer after our mums 5 years ago
my only child needed a Kidney transplant recently he’s only 18 and was in the middle of A levels. we had less than two weeks notice for a theatre date we thought we had much longer but he was got so ill we had to accept the date offered
My husband was going to be the donor so the thought of having both husband and son in surgery together filled me with so much anxiety and I had so much to organise in the lead up to surgeries as well as accompanying my son and husband for pre op tests. It was terrifying and exhausting.
I let my sister know by text as soon as I got the theatre date and I got a reply saying hope it goes well let me know if you need anything.

After surgery It was a horrible situation to be in and splitting my time on my own between both patients who were in different wards, I was there 12 hours a day and was staying in a hotel to be close to the,. I’ve been so scared and worried. I had a what’s app group where I broadcast daily updates of my son and husbands progress which at one point the kidney was rejecting so it was very frightening. My messages were to all my friends including my sister and she would reply ok thanks for letting me know but she never reached out to me asked if she could do anything to help - nothing but silence.

This is now the bit that has really upset me is that she has not called me once or messaged me since we’ve been home other than one text to say she was going on holiday for a week and that she will be away.

It will be three months next week since their operations which is a big milestone as my son will be out of the risk free zone.

in three months I’ve had not one phone call or message from her. I could message her but I don’t feel like I have the capacity to- my husband and son are fed up with me as I’ve been so upset about her lack of contact and the energy is getting worse as each week goes past and I’m in tears - I should be celebrating my sons new life but this has overtaken my daily mindset and not fair on my family when they see how upset I’ve been
In ten days time it is my sisters 60th birthday - I feel like I want to ignore it but that is not my nature. With gritted teeth do I go round and give her a gift and say nothing or do I tell her I’m totally pissed off and it all blow up again and we don’t talk.
She is an angry person, not aggressive but just in her tone and doesn’t seem happy with her lot , she does’nt work so there’s no excuse to say she has as no time to call me, she spends a lot of time watching daytime to programmes.

Do i let her know I’m upset ? I know it won’t change anything or her attitude , she will not even think that anything is wrong
Do I organise to do something with her for her birthday and give her a gift ?
Do I just forget and move on and act like nothing has happened
Or do i cut her from my life ? She’s clearly not bothered about my son and husband or me and what I’ve been through
AIBU by expecting my sister to contact me ?
I don’t want to know have this stress and I’m sensitive so not sure If there is even an issue but I think is if a family member cannot be bothered to help out even with a call, message or come round and see my family and tell them everything and how awful it was. It’s not normal ?

You let her know by text and then included her in a large group. At no point did you call her and then wonder why she doesn't call you either. Phones work both ways. She probably felt like you were notifying her rather than looking for support if you round robined her!

I think perhaps you are angry and stressed about what has been an awful few months. Sometimes it's too hard to admit how angry you are so we can put the blame on someone else. Your sister has been thoughtless but your reaction towards her is extreme. For your own mental health I would try and put her reaction to one side and let yourself feel relief and some positivity about your sons recovery. That's very difficult when you've been so worried for so long, so have plenty of compassion for yourself. Good luck.

The onus was on the sister to call, surely.

OP didn't bother to call her to even say the operation was going ahead. Just dropped her a text. Her sister has mirrored her method of communicating.

ignore her birthday, if she is bothered enough to ask why- tell her why. If she isn’t bothered by your lack of acknowledgment I’d take that as she isn’t very invested in your relationship and have the bare minimum contact with her.

Is she very literal? Ie she has said, let me know if you need anything, but as she hasn’t specifically been asked , she thinks there is nothing required. I am wondering if she is a little neurodiverse. The thing that made me wonder is that she can sound abrupt, as you have said, and does mark birthdays but just with the usual expectation eg a gift . Without knowing more I would wonder if there was a touch of autism going on.

I think it would be mean to ignore her birthday as OP says sister is generous on birthdays.

Mail a card for her birthday. Do not think about her otherwise. Concentrate on your family.

Thank you for your valuable advice

I was at the hospital daily pre operations doing 14 hour days my son was extremely ill and I was exhausted so I initially never called her but text with an operation date. She had two weeks to check on us before the day of surgery and she didn’t
my what’s app group was sent on a broadcast list which is an individual message to each of my friends and family, it worked well as it’s one messaged them sent through as if it was personal to them and I wasn’t having to send numerous messages individually when my time was limited as I was at the hospital from 8am - until 11pm then drive home and do it all again the following day. Also on a broadcast list you don’t get to see any replies and it’s private.
My sister knew how much time I was there at hospital and exhausted and worried - I really did not set the tone by communicating that way - had I of had more time I really would have called. Incidentally her daughter regularly has been concerned for her cousin and came to visit once we were out of hospital , as I said my sister lives less than a ten min drive away

I’m younger so not got to a big birthday yet other than my 50th and I got a card

Am I alone in making the connection between the opening poster texting her sister about her son's need for a kidney transplant and the subsequent conversation by text?

when I was first contacted by my gp to say I had something looking bad in my lung. I didn't text my sister, I phoned her. I didn't want to.tell our Mum (she was quite frail by that point) and I couldn't tell my adult child until i.saw them. So my sister got the brunt of my agnst. Similarly, When I was diagnosed with lung cancer, (after my daughter who came to the consultation with me) I telephoned my sister.

may be the opening poster was incapable of such a conversation, I understand that. But the sister has just, maybe responded in kind? Believing that is the way the sister is coping?

Just a thought

That’s exactly my feelings that I a, trying to make sense and cannot understand why she would treat me like this - she’s not a horrible person but does not behave like I would treat her and i would be there for her in a heartbeat if she’d gone through what I have - I need to practice what you do - thank you

Could she have ADHD? I have WhatsApps from weeks ago that I still haven’t replied to. The intention is there but I find it very difficult to respond, and the longer I avoid it the worse it gets.

I hear what you are saying however I am the person who generally is the one always calling her and she will tend to text
weeks and months prior to surgery my time was spent at hospital with my husbands team of surgeons and taking him for weekly testing and again on separate days doing the same for my son. It has been totally exhausting and juggling things to be in place whilst we were at the hospital like arranging for my dog to be looked after. Medical supplies ordering, things done that couldn’t be done when they got home etc the list went on so I was not able to have time to call her as I would do normally. She never calls only texts so not me setting the tone as a way forward of communicating

Thank you kind words

I wouldn’t be sending a card or any further contact at all

let her initiate the next steps if she wants you and your child in her life and if you want her in yours

It’s not brilliant sisterly behaviour from her.

But be honest with yourself. You say your relationship isn’t always the best. Did you actually expect her to be a great support, or are you channelling all of you worry and stress into this so that you don’t take it out on your DP and DS?

Often when we have had a period of extreme stress and worry, smaller things get to us and we focus on that rather than the main thing. (Not saying that an unsupportive sister is a small thing, just that in the grand scheme of what you have been recently going through it seems like the ‘safer’ thing to worry about).

Just send her a rather blasé generic sister birthday card.
She can hardly bitch about it, can she.
Put exactly as much energy into her as she has into you.

Awful. There’s no excuse for this. Can’t imagine not being there for my sister or brother. I would even send her a text for her birthday let alone a gift. Also though I’d have to make it known how upset I was at her lack of contact. It won’t change anything but you’ll feel better for offloading x

I get the feeling you're expecting from her, what you would do/how you would behave yourself, if the roles were reversed.

And that simply isn't who she is, or has ever been.

If thats the case, I think you need to drop the rope - stop running about trying to make her behave as you would like, and either accept how she is, or go NC with her.

We cannot change other peoples behaviour, only our own, and this situation seems to be upsetting you deeply.

My family are very practical, not soppy at all, hands off - my sister recently had a heart valve replacement (+ other tinkering with her ticker since they were in there anyway).

I did not visit her in hospital at all, my Dad didn't either. She did not want us fussing around.

I was there via phone/messenger to sort anything practical that I could sort, let various friends of hers know the score, field messages from them (she really didn't want to be repeating the days news to multiple people whilst off her head on morphine), but that was it. I didn't spend every day telling her how worried I was (which of course I was) or asking for updates, she'd find that annoying (and specifically asked I and others not do so) - I left the ball very much in her court to contact me when she was up to it.

Other people would be horrified, and think this not caring, not supportive, cold etc.. but that is just how we are. Perhaps your sister is the same, doesn't feel that her physical presence would have any useful purpose, doesn't feel that some words in a text make a significant difference etc.

I said YABU simply because she doesn’t seem to want a sister relationship and I think you shouldn’t waste so much energy on her. You probably need some therapy to deal with the anger you hold towards her and be able to move on. I wouldn’t bother with her birthday, it doesn’t sound like she would be phased by it. Even if she was, would it matter?

For what it is worth, I have a sister who seems as selfish as yours. She only ever thinks of herself and cause masses of problems after my Mum died. I cared for Mum (and Dad) and was Mum's sole executor. She had never visited for years (twce in 7 years) but she kept interfering and took things from the house, etc. etc. I now don't contact her. I have decided she is toxic.
It makes my life easier since I made that deicision. Would the same be true for you? It sounds as though she doesn't care for you or anyone but herself? I decided ny sister didn't when I heard that during one of her 6 weekly meetings with one of her own children was spent complaining about her neighbours, when she was trying to tell her about a new, much better job/promotion!!
Take care xx

You cannot make people behave the way you want them to. The fact that your sister pretty much ignored your mom while she spent four months in the hospital really should have been your first clue.
I don't know how your sister is usually with you. But, my guess is, she avoids acknowledging when someone is ill. She might write a text or do a phone call, but she'll stay away from having to see the person or deal with it as much as possible. Getting involved with any scenario with illness is just not what some people do.

I would not give a present, take her out or send a card. A brief text is enough. If she expresses disappointment in that, then you can have free rein to let her know how disappointed/angry you are.

Stop letting it take up space in your head. You can't control her, but your response to it is on you. You should be wanting to celebrate each day that your DS and DH recover more, and stop letting your sister rent space in your head.

I can understand why you're so upset but please don't let this consume you. You have enough on your plate without the added stress of worrying about this situation with your sister. Don't message her on her Birthday, wait & see if she gets in touch first. If not then you know where you stand with her. Enjoy your Sons new health & make lots of memories with him & your husband.