Kidney transplant not heard from family member I’m so upset

[Brigette67]

My sister lives a 10 min drive from me. Our parents have both passed away and our sibling relationship has been up and down over the years like many families, nothing in particular just ups and downs but we grew closer after our mums 5 years ago
my only child needed a Kidney transplant recently he’s only 18 and was in the middle of A levels. we had less than two weeks notice for a theatre date we thought we had much longer but he was got so ill we had to accept the date offered
My husband was going to be the donor so the thought of having both husband and son in surgery together filled me with so much anxiety and I had so much to organise in the lead up to surgeries as well as accompanying my son and husband for pre op tests. It was terrifying and exhausting.
I let my sister know by text as soon as I got the theatre date and I got a reply saying hope it goes well let me know if you need anything.

After surgery It was a horrible situation to be in and splitting my time on my own between both patients who were in different wards, I was there 12 hours a day and was staying in a hotel to be close to the,. I’ve been so scared and worried. I had a what’s app group where I broadcast daily updates of my son and husbands progress which at one point the kidney was rejecting so it was very frightening. My messages were to all my friends including my sister and she would reply ok thanks for letting me know but she never reached out to me asked if she could do anything to help - nothing but silence.

This is now the bit that has really upset me is that she has not called me once or messaged me since we’ve been home other than one text to say she was going on holiday for a week and that she will be away.

It will be three months next week since their operations which is a big milestone as my son will be out of the risk free zone.

in three months I’ve had not one phone call or message from her. I could message her but I don’t feel like I have the capacity to- my husband and son are fed up with me as I’ve been so upset about her lack of contact and the energy is getting worse as each week goes past and I’m in tears - I should be celebrating my sons new life but this has overtaken my daily mindset and not fair on my family when they see how upset I’ve been
In ten days time it is my sisters 60th birthday - I feel like I want to ignore it but that is not my nature. With gritted teeth do I go round and give her a gift and say nothing or do I tell her I’m totally pissed off and it all blow up again and we don’t talk.
She is an angry person, not aggressive but just in her tone and doesn’t seem happy with her lot , she does’nt work so there’s no excuse to say she has as no time to call me, she spends a lot of time watching daytime to programmes.

Do i let her know I’m upset ? I know it won’t change anything or her attitude , she will not even think that anything is wrong
Do I organise to do something with her for her birthday and give her a gift ?
Do I just forget and move on and act like nothing has happened
Or do i cut her from my life ? She’s clearly not bothered about my son and husband or me and what I’ve been through
AIBU by expecting my sister to contact me ?
I don’t want to know have this stress and I’m sensitive so not sure If there is even an issue but I think is if a family member cannot be bothered to help out even with a call, message or come round and see my family and tell them everything and how awful it was. It’s not normal ?

It's really rough when your family don't have the standard 'decent human' reactions to life. I really think you should focus your attention on your son and continuing that healthy bond. My eldest brother has always been distant and popped up at emotionally difficult times of life to appear supportive for a minute then say something inflammatory, then disappear. I've concluded he likely has his own shit from our dysfunctional childhood to deal with, but without a preface and some mutual understanding on his part, he can shit on someone else's doorstep.

She has behaved appallingly but only you will know if that is par for the course.

You are choosing to let this take over and spoil this time with your son and dh. If your son was to relapse then you'd regret all this wasted angst over her.

A card and a small gift.

That's who she is. You will not change her and it is not your fault. Do nothing.

Above all else, do not - absolutely do not - allow her insensitivity to spoil your joy at your son's new life and your OH's recovery from the surgery. Why would you? You have a weird sister, but that is irrelevant. Completely irrelevant.

She’s not messaged you over what was likely one of the most stressful and upsetting periods of your life so I wouldn’t worry yourself about her birthday. If she wants a relationship with you going forward she will need to have some self reflection and get back in touch. If she doesn’t then I wouldn’t make a drama I just wouldn’t bother with her.

Is it possible she's quite depressed and not up to dealing with the incredibly stressful situation you've been going through? It sounds like she might not be in the best place if she is always angry - angry people are not happy people.

I would just send her a card and a present (or whatever you normally do) and stop giving her so much headspace. Don't organise anything, you have enough on your plate but just emotionally distance yourself a little and concentrate on your husband and son.

OP, I empathise with the fixation and the uncaring sister taking up too much space in your head. I am going through a similar thing where I find I keep trying to make it make sense. I can’t imagine being so self-centred, so uncaring, and again and again I am shocked by more behaviour, no self-awareness.

It is so hard to let go. Me and my sister we really close as kids. It’s like a daily practise I need to do to get my head straight, focus on all the good things in my life in the morning and visualise having a good day, so that I don’t have intrusive thoughts about my sister. It’s an essential part of my daily routine.

Is she someone who likes to be the centre of attention? My sister is similar, and it’s generally because she doesn’t like others to get attention, either for bad reasons or good, so she tends to go low contact and be passive aggressive if she feels attention is centred on others. Ive learnt it’s easier just to remain civil, and engage when I need to, otherwise I leave her to get on with her life and I get on with mine. It is upsetting though.

I think if you put her in the random friends update group, rather than messaging her personally, you set the tone.

I understand why you're feeling hurt and might hope for better, but I wouldn't do that to my sister.

Honestly I think that's awful behaviour from her. I wouldn't be able to move past it and it would be the end of our relationship.

I didn’t spot that. I too would hope to hear about important developments within the family before a lot of people I didn’t know found out. It would be slightly humiliating to be saying ‘thanks for letting me know this intense life or death family business witnessed by a load of people I don’t know’. If I was one of the friends I would have felt embarrassed for the sister being treated like that. There should be separate group threads for family and friends, since we normally have different boundaries and different ways of communicating with family and with friends.

You need to focus on your son and DH before they start viewing you exactly the same way as you do your sister. They must be wondering why you can’t focus on their recovery.
I would forget your sister, she’s not capable of being part of your support network. If you feel you must do something for her birthday I would just send a generic card in the post, no gift. It’s not payback, it’s just treating her as the distant person she must view herself/you as.

I voted YABU purely because your ‘sister’ has made it abundantly clear how much effort she wants to put in to your relationship. Believe her. I know it must hurt terribly, but please don’t go through gritted teeth and acknowledge her birthday, when she can’t even give you any level of support going through such a traumatic thing with your own child and husband. If I were either of them and you did that, I’d actually be quite upset that you keep putting her feelings first. There comes a point where you have to accept that she doesn’t want what you want and she’s keeping you hanging on. Move forwards with your life and try and concentrate on your son and husband and your own life. You can’t force a relationship with her. 🫂

Yes, that's how I'd see it. I'd like to think I'd make allowances for DSis when she was going through what OP has, but I might also assume she doesn't really want my interest.

Yes. My sister has hurt me numerous times by doing this sort of thing - telling a mutual friend my nieces name before telling me, so I found it out through this friend’s facebook announcement, telling this mutual friend I was pregnant and others too before I was ready to tell people outside the family, told me she was splitting up with her partner on a WhatsApp group for organising something non-family related witnessed by non family members, it goes on and on.

Like you Runbunny, if I was OP’s sister I would take it on the chin because the situation was so highly stressful and unusual, but it wouldn’t be pleasant.

What you’ve been through is huge to you, but not to her. I’m sorry, OP, it must hurt, but I think you are hoping for a relationship with your sister that she doesn’t want. It’s possible that she felt bombarded by your updates rather than invested in them.

Send a birthday card because it’s the decent thing to do but step back from frequent contact. I don’t think the rejection is just about your DS and DH, I suspect it’s been going on a lot longer and you’ve been trying unsuccessfully to engage with her for a lifetime.

I wish your DS a full and speedy recovery. Your DH is a hero for what he did, focus on him instead of your sister.

She doesn’t seem to care does she as that is not the behaviour of someone who cares. I wouldn’t bother, I would just leave it and focus on your DS and DH.

Drop the rope OP.

I wouldn't bother contacting her in any way from now on.

Enough.

Just post a card and move on. Sadly she isn't bothered

Your son is alive and getting healthier and you're obsessing about your sister. Please get some therapy if you can.

Is your sister an awful person? Yes. But there is absolutely nothing you can do to change her. She makes her choice every day to ignore you and now it's time for you to make the correct choice for your peace of mind. Mourn the relationship you wish you could have had with her and didn't, and then go no contact and move on.

Celebrate your son's great good fortune and let her toxicity go.

Are you sure we're not related - sounds just like my sister!! My Dad was in hospital for six months and she visited him once, whilst I was working full time and then picking my Mum up every night to visit him. Two weeks after he died Mum was diagnosed with cancer and given a maximum of two years to live. Dear sister wasn't in the least concerned and left it to me again to care for her. We haven't spoken since the day of my mum's funeral 30 years ago. I have friends who have done more for me than she's ever done. You wouldn't take being treated like this by a friend so why should a relative be any different?

Personally I think your sister is really out of order. I suppose she has got away with this sort of behaviour many times as you mentioned she only went to see your Mother who had Cancer once in sixteen weeks. People and Family really show their true colours in situations like this. I think if you said anything to her she would remind you that she had said to you before your sons transplant if you need anything let me know and she would hang onto that. I would leave her to it to be honest and would only give her as much time as she gives you. She is not going to change and thinks its ok to behave this way. I would not send her a bday card...no doubt she has not bothered sending your son a Get Well Card.
Your son and Husband are your Family...I would put my time into them and leave her to it. I would also concentrate on the Friendships you have ...the people wh were truly there for you at such a frightening time. As you get older you realise...to prioritise your life and put yourself around people who have time for you as you do for them. You will get your moment one day to tell your sister what you think of her behaviour and her lack of effort to support you at a time when you needed her most... and when that time comes you will be over the worse and got past the upset she has caused you. I would not rely on her for anything in the future...I really wouldnt.

You have a future ahead of you with your brave son and husband...Your son may marry and have children of his own...there lies more Family members for you. I wish your son a wonderful future...he will have a new lease of life. Enjoy your time with him and that he achieves. xx

When a person shows you who they are, believe them.
So sorry this has happened to you and I wish you and your son and husband the very best.

Send a (small) bouquet of flowers for her birthday with a ‘best wishes’ message. Nicely impersonal plus you don’t actually need to see her. Job done.

Oh poor you how dreadful for you and your family. You are all heroes.

Go to GP, perhaps some antidepressants might help with the terror you have experienced, than be nice to your Sister, some people are just not cut out to suffer beside you.

Good luck, you'll get through this.

Having recently cared for my DH after a kidney transplant last summer I can completely understand why you're so upset about this. I found similar things with our family too. DH brother & dad barely made and contact and haven't asked how he is all year.

All I can say is these people get what they deserve and then don't deserve any more attention or respect from you. Send a generic card or text on the bday if it makes you feel better but don't go to any fuss. Save your energy for your own healing from such a traumatic time.