Kidney transplant not heard from family member I’m so upset

[Brigette67]

My sister lives a 10 min drive from me. Our parents have both passed away and our sibling relationship has been up and down over the years like many families, nothing in particular just ups and downs but we grew closer after our mums 5 years ago
my only child needed a Kidney transplant recently he’s only 18 and was in the middle of A levels. we had less than two weeks notice for a theatre date we thought we had much longer but he was got so ill we had to accept the date offered
My husband was going to be the donor so the thought of having both husband and son in surgery together filled me with so much anxiety and I had so much to organise in the lead up to surgeries as well as accompanying my son and husband for pre op tests. It was terrifying and exhausting.
I let my sister know by text as soon as I got the theatre date and I got a reply saying hope it goes well let me know if you need anything.

After surgery It was a horrible situation to be in and splitting my time on my own between both patients who were in different wards, I was there 12 hours a day and was staying in a hotel to be close to the,. I’ve been so scared and worried. I had a what’s app group where I broadcast daily updates of my son and husbands progress which at one point the kidney was rejecting so it was very frightening. My messages were to all my friends including my sister and she would reply ok thanks for letting me know but she never reached out to me asked if she could do anything to help - nothing but silence.

This is now the bit that has really upset me is that she has not called me once or messaged me since we’ve been home other than one text to say she was going on holiday for a week and that she will be away.

It will be three months next week since their operations which is a big milestone as my son will be out of the risk free zone.

in three months I’ve had not one phone call or message from her. I could message her but I don’t feel like I have the capacity to- my husband and son are fed up with me as I’ve been so upset about her lack of contact and the energy is getting worse as each week goes past and I’m in tears - I should be celebrating my sons new life but this has overtaken my daily mindset and not fair on my family when they see how upset I’ve been
In ten days time it is my sisters 60th birthday - I feel like I want to ignore it but that is not my nature. With gritted teeth do I go round and give her a gift and say nothing or do I tell her I’m totally pissed off and it all blow up again and we don’t talk.
She is an angry person, not aggressive but just in her tone and doesn’t seem happy with her lot , she does’nt work so there’s no excuse to say she has as no time to call me, she spends a lot of time watching daytime to programmes.

Do i let her know I’m upset ? I know it won’t change anything or her attitude , she will not even think that anything is wrong
Do I organise to do something with her for her birthday and give her a gift ?
Do I just forget and move on and act like nothing has happened
Or do i cut her from my life ? She’s clearly not bothered about my son and husband or me and what I’ve been through
AIBU by expecting my sister to contact me ?
I don’t want to know have this stress and I’m sensitive so not sure If there is even an issue but I think is if a family member cannot be bothered to help out even with a call, message or come round and see my family and tell them everything and how awful it was. It’s not normal ?

I’d do what she’s done- send her a text. “Happy birthday”. Then that’s it. No present or card.
You certainly find out who’s worth hanging onto in times like this. You’ve got more important things to do than worry about those who aren’t there for you- this is a time of celebration and nothing should take away from the relief and elation from the success of both operations.

A card would be plenty - more than she deserves I think.

THIS in spades.

@Brigette67 You have placed all the blame and worry tightly focussed on your sister , rather than admitting you were terrified about losing your son.

Forget the sister.

You were never close.

I put YABU because she said for you to let her know if you needed anything. So why did you expect her to keep offering? You offer once, then leave it up to the person to respond with what they need.

You're obviously not close, that's ok, it's not mandatory to be close to your siblings. I think you're spending too much time concerning yourself with this when frankly, you have more important things going on in your life.

As for the WhatsApp group, I get why you set it up to keep people informed, but I'll be honest, adding people to it to bombard them with something like this can make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. Some people prefer to respect other people's medical privacy.

She can live her life how she wants, that's not for you to judge. Get on with your own life and stop wasting your time on her, when you're clearly not close to one another.

I’d write a really long letter expressing how you feel, pop it in an envelope, and then just sit on it.

Writing the letter may be cathartic enough. Or you may decide to post it at some point. The risk with saying something is that you may not get the response that you want or any response of any substance at all. And that could make you feel even worse.

Write the letter then focus on what matters, your DS and DH x

That’s crap of her but I don’t think you can gain anything by telling her. She’ll either be angry or maybe even come back at you and upset you more.
I’d send her a card and a token present. Or donate to the hospital, or kidney research and send her that.
You can’t make her care, or be nice, or helpful. I really wouldn’t waste your energy on her.
I hope both your DS and DH are recovering well and a healthy and happy future to them both. Your DH is a hero in my eyes.

I really wouldn't contact her again. That's still investing in the relationship (however small). There is no longer any possibility of a decent sister relationship. No need for drama, just draw a line for yourself, and focus on your DH, DS and the rest of your life. She is not a part of it.

She can hardly object, given her behaviour. But if she does, just briefly explain or ignore. Don't engage in a row. It's over.

So sorry to hear about your son and husband. Amazing news that everything is OK after everything you've all been through.

To be honest my brother is like this with our family. My sister is getting married and he isn't going as he is attending a gig. I try keep the peace between my siblings even though he is an idiot. We will end up no contact with him when my parents aren't here anymore.

What your sister did is unforgivable. I wouldn't cut her off, just distance yourself and treat her how she is with you.

1 happy birthday text. No gift. If she messages you respond if you want. If she asks why you haven't been in touch tell her this.

It's like the sister is the scapegoat on which to hang all that is bad on - If your son and husband are fed up about you fretting about the sister, it ought to tell you this it is 'unhealthy'.

I hope your son and husband recover well. I can't imagine how frightening that must be.

Maybe the sister has health fears? Who knows.. but forget her.

This

So she really could have cared less if your son or husband surgery turned out bad. She proved this over and over again. Why on earth do you want to run after her now with a gift? You want to give her a reward for being such a shit sister?

She doesn't genuinely care about your family so treat her the same. That doesn't make you a bad person, all you are doing is protecting your MH and that should be your priority. Look at how much emotional toll it's taken on your family... that's not fair to them after what they have been through is it?
And you want to go take a gift and wish her? At her age of 60 nothing is going to change. I would actually ignore that day and let her sit with all the emotions of it, if she even cares !

I can see why you would feel hurt, but I agree with this.

Try to direct your thoughts towards all that is positive in this situation rather than your sister's behaviour.

Maybe look into counselling if you continue to feel stuck in the negative.

I'm glad your son is reaching his milestone- that's such good news.

I'd pick up a £20 voucher with the supermarket shop and stick it in a card. Low effort and energy, so you can concentrate in your husband and son.

I don't think you were unreasonable to hope for more support from your sibling.

I come from a family where people aren't close. From years of varying degrees of hurt, I'd recommend that you stop hoping and wishing for more from someone who can't and won't give you what you are looking for. .

It will take you years to realise that this person doesn't care about you and your family in the way you want her to care. And you will end up with feelings of hurt, anger, grief before eventually sadness.

She is no more than a distant acquaintance now. Don't bother trying to build bridges by getting her a gift and bestowing well wishes on her. Pop a birthday card in the post with a brief msg. saying 'happy birthday' , and this gesture will be only so you don't feel any pangs of regret for ignoring her birthday.

Focus on your immediate family - your husband and your son.

Its a horrible thing to go through, it might make it easier if you pretend she's emigrated and you don't know her address or phone number.

It's very sad OP and I'd be terribly upset if any of my sisters treated me in that way. I think you need to focus upon your DS and DH who needs you. Send your sister a card but nothing more as you'll be too busy caring for your DH and DS who have both had big operations. I think your sister has been self absorbed and not considered your worry at all.

Just ignore her 60th. Will teach her a lesson.

Do you know what is going on in her life?

Firstly, it sounds like your husband and son are making great progress - congratulations on holding your little unit together through such a tough time.
Secondly, sometimes you have to make the decision to stop allowing someone else's actions affect you. My twin sister has, over the years, hurt me more than anyone else. Despite her pious catholic appearance and self-belief in her actions being kind, her words and actions have on a number of occasions been used to intentionally hurt me. I was constantly upset and in tears, and one day decided that I had to not longer allow her to hurt me. I stopped trying, trying to make contact, trying to meet every social nicety, trying to ensure nieces and nephews had a present and card.
It's been very hard but my mind is more at rest and I've accepted that this is our relationship now.
I hope you family continue to move forward and thrive 💐

I should be celebrating my sons new life

Yes, you should, because honestly, what else even matters?

Your child is alive, and the sister you've never been close to is behaving pretty much as expected.

It very unfortunate that you are putting a cloud over this incredibly transformative time in your son's life by choosing to wallow in this drama, and yes, it really is a choice. You can choose to keep your chin up and let this go, or at the minimum, keep your emotions in check and not inflict them upon everyone in the household. You can't control your sister, so you shouldn't allow her shit behaviour to control yours.

And of course you don't acknowledge her birthday. Don't be ridiculous. She's made her bed, she can sleep there alone.

Oh there we go 🙄

That’s great that your DS and DH are recovering well.
You’re not unreasonable to expect a little more from your sister under the circumstances. But as others have said I think your strong emotions about your sister have been a way to distract from the massive worries about potentially losing DS or DH.
And the underlying realisation that if things had gone badly you’d be left with your sister as your closest relative - and what a poor support she would be!
I don’t think you should ignore her birthday or tell her how you feel. Personally I wouldn’t text or visit though. I’d put a card in the post. That way you have no expectation of a response (or lack of) to be disappointed by. And move her into the category of a distant cousin. Who you are happy to see/reminisce with if the occasion arises but wouldn’t expect to be close in day to day life.
You say you had a WhatsApp group for friends. Focus on those who have provided you with the support you needed.

Text her "HBSIS". Then forget about her.

I'd send her a birthday text. Saying happy birthday sorry I haven't been able to organise anything else it's been such a horrendous time. Then if she kicks up drama from that I'd walk away. I hope your son and husband continue to recover well

So you're annoying your DH and DS by going on about it but you're tempted to not say anything to her and take her a bloody birthday gift round?!!

Makes absolutely no sense.

Of course you're in your rights to be upset but maybe it's time to just accept that she can be quite the arsehole and decide if you're prepared to put up with it for the sake of having a relationship with her.

It's her choice to be selfish but YOU have control of how much you let it affect you.

I have four sisters and one is totally dreadful, I cut her off a few years ago after Mother died, we all did and it was a relief.

I am glad your DH and DS are recovering. When I cut off my sister I made no announcement I just stopped calling her and messaging her.