Parents talking about giving db more in their will

[Arethereshootingstarstonight]

Before I start, I don’t care about money, adore my parents and hate when they bring up when they die to me-their funeral plans etc.
Mum was talking about things like this again and started to say about how they probably wouldn’t have the house sold and split equally three ways when they pass-to my older brother, myself and younger sister, as they’ve always spoken about in the past.
My db I believe is undiagnosed neurodivergent-likely autism. He moved out with a girlfriend when younger, but ended up back at my parents house, has a part time low paying job, pays my mum a v low amount of board-£20 per week and has lived like this for years and years.
My sister had a family youngish, moved out, split up and has worked and been a single mum for years, studying to progress further in her career
Myself-uni degree, always worked-from school age, through college, uni etc, then full time, bought house, have one child and Dh
We are not wealthy, we’ve lived away for years and have done everything ourselves, we work hard for the things we have and for Dd, we’ve had many hard times in life and financial struggles, and many good times.
Similar for my Ds, who had a very tough time and still does being a single mum, but has worked really hard.
I believe autism may be in the family and see signs in myself and Ds but neither of us have been assessed
Mum was saying because db only has a part time job and has never earned much, it would be really hard for him to get a house (he also has some years of being unemployed and will have many years without a full pension)
From what my mum was saying, he’d be getting more than us.
On one hand can see why she’d do this, on the other I’m not sure if I would and believe it’s only fair to split equally regardless of the way life has panned out.
My Db has an easier life in lots of ways, no responsibility, buys lots of things for himself and so on, but also I feel sorry that he hasn’t been able to make a life for himself.
I know my Ds would be annoyed if she knew as says he should have moved out and made his own way.

Any opinions? Would you always split your will/inheritance equally between your children?

Sorry, should have put Dsis for sister not Ds, hopefully it’s not too confusing!

If I had a ND child with autism who could not work, I would probably leave him/her more money.

I think you are being unfair on your brother. If he genuinely is not able to get a job that would allow him to own his own home I can see why your mam would want to make sure he's secure.

I would always split equally regardless of the situation, anything else is a minefield as however well meant it could lead to resentment between siblings.

I think that’s very unfair. Sounds like db can work FT, just chooses not to. Hopefully parents will rely on db for elder care in future and not you.

My Db can work and does work, why he doesn’t work more hours/try for a better job, I don’t know, but he can work

My Dsis has to rent, despite working full time and studying and supporting two kids, she will be unlikely to be able to save for a house

My mum has said she will give my brother more in the will because he doesn't own his home and he would hopefully be able to put it towards a deposit. I don't mind. It would make her happier knowing he had more security when she is no longer around.

@diktat It would be Dsis or I as he wouldn’t look after them properly I’m sure

It's a tough one. I would need a proper diagnosis of autism, not just laziness as you are insinuating.

I am not sure treating your DC equally is a good idea, if they are not actually equal.

Then I’d tell parents that they need to treat all their children equally as it will be unfair if they expect care from their daughters, but lavish their estate on their son.

@HelloCiao I understand that, this by the sounds of it would be downsizing, then db would get to keep that place (it would obviously have no mortgage) I guess Dsis and I would split whatever is left..I’d imagine we’d get less than half of what he does.
Again, it isn’t about the money, it’s the working hard for years and years, all with our own issues and hard times, but on the other side, if you don’t, it just gets all handed over to you

Do people give care to their parents in the expectation of an estate?

It's a tough one, but you should be very thankful that your parents are discussing it with you, rather than leaving it as a "surprise" when they are gone.

Their money, their choice. Whatever they choose to do, I hope you don't let it come between you.

If they put the house in his name, and later on need to go into care, you and your sister would potentially get nothing.

Do they not see your sister, a single mother in rented accommodation, being as worthy of actually owning a house, as he is? She's bringing up their grandchildren in rented, for goodness sake.

Maybe your mum feels guilty re your brother and his difficulties, also your sister has chosen to have children so that's her responsibility if you want to look at it that way

This^
Also if your DB has additional needs and struggling because of them it might be better to leave him his part in a trust with you and your sister being trustees. If he doesn’t need this level of support as he is capable enough - the estate should be divided equally.
Your parents should be really careful as unfair will might worsen the relationship between you/ DSis and your brother and he would lose his support network.

I don't that sister made a decision to have two children alone.

My inlaws were in this situation but their son had a diagnosis. They left everything in trust for him to be taken care of for his life and only to be divided when he died. They accepted that. He then got ill very soon after his parents passed and died which was totally not expected. The siblings inherited the money as most not used. It was their parents decision and they had spent their lives worrying about what would happen him. Its difficult always in that circumstance.

My Db can fully function as an adult, as in he doesn’t have any additional needs but doesn’t seem able to progress, work more, move out, meet people etc. I’ve no idea why they haven’t encouraged this before or said he had to move out

Well she chose to have two children and if the father isn't helping, then she chose to have them with a loser? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well if he is just lazy or unmotivated then that is unfair, but you probably need to let it go or it will just eat away at you. Inheritance usually ends up being more pain than it is worth. It's something people wouldn't normally get, yet it seems to being out the worst in people

@saraclara Yes I think the same about Dsis, but also, now I’m wondering have they assessed the whole thing in this way and perhaps Dsis will be left more than me too, because I own a home? I still have a child and yes I have a partner, but who knows the way life can go. I did all this myself, I paid for my own driving lessons, bought my first car, worked my way through college and uni, bought my house without any help and so on.
I don’t think my db would even understand the amount of pressure paying a mortgage and all the bills and supporting a child and working would be and yes, for my sister doing that alone with two children.
This is where it seems unfair to not just equally split everything in these circumstances and let them do as they choose.

It's always unequal shares that upset people, I have no idea what parents do this. I am the lowest earning of my siblings and the ones who lives closest to my parents, so likely to provide more care. I would never think that I should get more than them. I have benefitted from childcare more, again due to proximity so that is less equal, but only because I stayed where we grew up.

Also, if your brother has a larger inheritance, it will make him less likely to be able to access benefits if he can't work.

OP I can see why you’re upset but I think you’ll have to try to move past it if you want to keep your sibling relationships in tact.

Is is it possible your DB struggles more than you realise and that your mum sees more of this with him living there?