Parents talking about giving db more in their will

[Arethereshootingstarstonight]

Before I start, I don’t care about money, adore my parents and hate when they bring up when they die to me-their funeral plans etc.
Mum was talking about things like this again and started to say about how they probably wouldn’t have the house sold and split equally three ways when they pass-to my older brother, myself and younger sister, as they’ve always spoken about in the past.
My db I believe is undiagnosed neurodivergent-likely autism. He moved out with a girlfriend when younger, but ended up back at my parents house, has a part time low paying job, pays my mum a v low amount of board-£20 per week and has lived like this for years and years.
My sister had a family youngish, moved out, split up and has worked and been a single mum for years, studying to progress further in her career
Myself-uni degree, always worked-from school age, through college, uni etc, then full time, bought house, have one child and Dh
We are not wealthy, we’ve lived away for years and have done everything ourselves, we work hard for the things we have and for Dd, we’ve had many hard times in life and financial struggles, and many good times.
Similar for my Ds, who had a very tough time and still does being a single mum, but has worked really hard.
I believe autism may be in the family and see signs in myself and Ds but neither of us have been assessed
Mum was saying because db only has a part time job and has never earned much, it would be really hard for him to get a house (he also has some years of being unemployed and will have many years without a full pension)
From what my mum was saying, he’d be getting more than us.
On one hand can see why she’d do this, on the other I’m not sure if I would and believe it’s only fair to split equally regardless of the way life has panned out.
My Db has an easier life in lots of ways, no responsibility, buys lots of things for himself and so on, but also I feel sorry that he hasn’t been able to make a life for himself.
I know my Ds would be annoyed if she knew as says he should have moved out and made his own way.

Any opinions? Would you always split your will/inheritance equally between your children?

As your sister I'd be pretty pissed off that she's worked her balls off her whole life and her brother who has coasted and lived off your parents his whole life will end up a homeowner and have security that she will never have. Incredibly unfair.

I'd tell your parents quite frankly that if that's their priority they can't expect you or your DS to sacrifice your time (and potential earnings) knowing that you're receiving no help and you need to prioritise your own children if they are choosing to prioritise your brother. Since they are enabling him to never need to work full time he will have plenty of time to care for them won't he.

You don't expect care off your kids when providing them with no help prior to or after you need that care.

Anyone who chooses to have children knows they run that risk.

No-one chooses to have autism.

How old is he? Has he paid them rent to live there?

@beebopdoobop He’s 49 now, he pays board-£20 per week

YANBU but if and how you’d convey this to your parents I’ve no idea. It sounds like they’re just considering their options at this stage… Do they seem to be talking about it in an almost subconscious manner of gauging your opinion, or purely in a thinking-out-loud in your presence way?

Obviously my Dsis isn’t in any way to blame for having two children 🤷🏻‍♀️ She was in a relationship and it broke down, it happens sadly and she’s had to work really hard since then ti support them all and has done very well

When her mother needs care, I hope you agree it's OP's time and OP's choice. Hopefully her mother won't let that decision come between them.

Me too. Actually I would be looking at a life rent or similar. I work make sure they had a secure home for life before divying any money.

@ViviPru Im not sure, my mum was just talking casually and I said ‘You’d sell the house and split it equally like you’ve always said though?’ and she started saying about db wouldn’t have anywhere to live and if either of them passed first (mum or dad) they’d likely downsize anyway, I’m assuming the Db would just stay in the house
I didn’t continue much with it as I was a bit surprised and then only really thought it through later on

Will your DB be able to look after the house and himself adequately when your parents are gone? Will he have enough income to pay the bills alone and/or will he be organised enough to actually do this and not get into a financial mess? Will he be vulnerable to financial abuse by people who might 'befriend' him. My DH is deputy under the Court of Protection for someone who was in this kind of situation. The elderly parent died and adult son seemed on the surface to be coping but actually wasn't at all. He then got into all sorts of trouble and eventually ended up in hospital and Social Services had to get involved. He is now in full time care and DH looks after his money for him. The elderly parent thought that leaving him with a house with no mortgage would ensure his future but on it's own that wasn't enough.

I would never ever not look after my parents or I hope not hold it against them, but part of me does feel a bit hurt or as though it’s unfair and it’s not even exactly about the money

Whatever you think about it - no matter how fair or unfair you think it is - it is totally irrelevant - it is their money and their choice to do as they wish.

no one is owed any inheritance.

many of us would chose to be equal with our bequests - I have 2 kids and my will is 50 50 - straight down the middle. But not everyone feels the same.

i can see you feel this is unfair and whilst I do have sympathy to a degree with you - as it seems right to want to be treated equally by our parents - it really is one of these things that are outside of your control (unless you chose to contest the wills after death) and is just something you have to live with.

Then on the other hand I feel awful for even querying it in my head as I’d hate to think of them as being worried about it

‘She's bringing up their grandchildren in rented, for goodness sake.’

the horror! 😂

agree it isn’t really fair and I’d be pissed off too. My brother is not ND but gets loads more financial/childcare support and general coddling off my mum than my sister and me, we’re all in our 40s but it’s mildly annoying and I’d definitely be pissed if he inherited substantially more than us if I’m honest.

I have some experience of this. My parents left me X amount, they left my sister 6 times more than they left me as she suffered from severe anxiety as a child and young adult. They thought she'd never hold down a job, find a partner, buy a house,etc. She went on to get a good permanent job which she loves, met and married a lovely guy with a good job and a property which he lets as they were able to buy a new house outright with her inheritance. My parents were wrong, but at the time they thought they were doing the right thing. It sucks as I'm struck paying a mortgage and it stings sometimes to think about it, but it was their money to leave in whichever way they wanted.

I think the thing is that more money won't necessarily be the thing to help your brother. He actually needs social support to live a happy purposeful life as part of a family.

Ironically, your parents will be making that support, which can only come from you and your sister, less likely to happen if a wedge is driven between you by an unequal division of inheritance.

I wonder if you can get to the root of this issue directly - by discussing (with your parents and if amenable, your brother himself) the various living options for your brother after your parents may pass.

Perhaps they may come to see that solitary decay in their abandoned home isn't his best future option? (This isn't an easy thing to face, and I wonder if this fantasy that if he can just keep the house he will be fine is a form of denial about his difficulties).

Is there a future in which he could live independently near to you, and be supported as part of your extended family? Contemplating these alternatives, in a kind but frank way, may prompt your parents to think about how the best arrangement can be engineered. (I suspect that is not for your brother to live on in their house, presumably not coping any better with independence than he does now, whilst you and your sister feel hurt and resentful).

Another possibility - if you actually dislike your brother and are unconcerned regarding his welfare you could take the unequal division of inheritance as a gift - it certainly frees you of an obligation to care for him.

Edit: of course if he doesn't have the kind of difficulties I am referring to, and would in fact cope just fine in their absence then no, I can't understand a rationale for unequally dividing their inheritance beyond simple favouritism.

It always causes problems between the siblings that are left behind when parents split inheritance unequally. If your DB is autistic your parents should consider it would be better for your DB to be left an equal amount of money and to remain close with his siblings after they are gone. If siblings themselves chose to gift some of their inheritance to a sibling for some reason, that is entirely different.

My DM has decided she wants us to sell her house when the time comes and my youngest sibling is to get a bigger share as they are single late 40s and only recently on the housing ladder (shared ownership). Myself and DH own a house but still a huge mortgage to pay off. The middle sibling and partner are similar to us albeit better off financially, much smaller mortgage. Honestly? I'm not delighted about it... I feel like the single sibling made lots of life choices that meant they spent money on other stuff like major holidays instead of saving for a deposit. They earn significantly more than myself or the other sibling. But the bottom line is... it's not our choice to make 🤷🏻‍♀️ So I nodded and smiled and agreed with the decision as did middle sibling. So while I agree your situation feels unfair, at the end of the day the decision is not yours to make 😕

My BiL (60) pays my mil £25 per week to live at home. MiL cooks all his meals, does all his laundry and even irons his clothes and packs up his lunch for him. BiL does absolutely nothing around the house. She has made a will and left the house equally between DH and BiL though. I know my DH gets annoyed and when his Dad died 4 years ago BiL didn't help MiL at all. DH took 2 weeks off to help her cope and deal with the funeral. BiL works full time and pays money into ISA every year. He must have a lot saved by now.

An actual diagnosis then yes maybe but no diagnosis then absolutely not. DH sister was left her Fathers entire estate. She actually had a better paying job than DH but is just bad with money.

It's a difficult one.

Would you be happy with the house being sold and your DB being turfed out when your parents die? If he's 49 now and with his difficulties, it's unlikely that he'd be able to suddenly turn his life around and become independent with a bit of tough love - that might work if he was mid-30s and with the right support, but realistically unlikely now at his age.

Would you feel responsible for him if he ended up homeless? Or would you be content simply to wash your hands of him and say, 'well, it's his own fault/ it's the council's responsibility/not our problem'?

Because if actually you would feel responsible for him and ensuring that he at least has the basics in life in place to live with dignity, then surely the appropriate conversation to be having with your parents isn't 'what is a fair split?' but 'how can his needs best be met in a way which doesn't impact us (the sisters) too unfairly?'

Personally I would leave any inheritance split equally amongst my children.

But I would do all I could while I was able to see each of them living in a secure situation. So I would have been encouraging your DBro into a flat, suitable work etc.

Circumstances can change in the future, after inheritance has been distributed. A wealthy secure Dc can develop a debilitating condition, an impoverished Dc can buy a winning scratch card and become rich. Etc

My job as a parent is simply to share what I have.

I would discuss whether he will manage a flat alone and what happens if he needs to go into care. They might explore putting the flat into some sort of trust for all three of you and your dependents but letting him have a lifetime interest in the property. That way he can't just sell it because of scammers and if he needs to go into care then the money won't all just be used for that. He then also couldn't just borrow putting the flat at risk. I would discuss this risk with your parents as they might be thinking that it will give him security but actually it could leave him open to be exploited.

Obviously he might live longer than you and your dsis but if he does then at least your children can inherit so it might feel more fair and palatable.

I have a similar brother as you opener and I am pretty certain my DM is leaving the house to him effectively leaving me and Dsis with nothing as there is nothing else in the estate. To be honest I am ok with it , without this my DB would be homeless with no option of getting a rental unless he actually got a proper job (unlikely) so any inheritance such as a 3 way split of the house would probably have to be gifted back to sort this issue .
Both Dsis and I have houses paid for (through hard work) and a bit of me is resentful that DB has been able to skip being a responsible adult and is still being rewarded with a fully paid for house. But ultimately it’s my DMs choice to gift her inheritance as she feels appropriate. And in his defence he has been a great support and company to my mother since the death of my dad

‘She's bringing up their grandchildren in rented, for goodness sake.’

the horror! 😂

Ha! Yeah, that looks worse than I meant it!
I meant that they appear to be giving their single, child-free DS the house because he won't be able to buy, yet are happy to let their single parent DD and their DGCs live without the same security.
Presumably their son is capable of renting, like she is?