Parents talking about giving db more in their will

[Arethereshootingstarstonight]

Before I start, I don’t care about money, adore my parents and hate when they bring up when they die to me-their funeral plans etc.
Mum was talking about things like this again and started to say about how they probably wouldn’t have the house sold and split equally three ways when they pass-to my older brother, myself and younger sister, as they’ve always spoken about in the past.
My db I believe is undiagnosed neurodivergent-likely autism. He moved out with a girlfriend when younger, but ended up back at my parents house, has a part time low paying job, pays my mum a v low amount of board-£20 per week and has lived like this for years and years.
My sister had a family youngish, moved out, split up and has worked and been a single mum for years, studying to progress further in her career
Myself-uni degree, always worked-from school age, through college, uni etc, then full time, bought house, have one child and Dh
We are not wealthy, we’ve lived away for years and have done everything ourselves, we work hard for the things we have and for Dd, we’ve had many hard times in life and financial struggles, and many good times.
Similar for my Ds, who had a very tough time and still does being a single mum, but has worked really hard.
I believe autism may be in the family and see signs in myself and Ds but neither of us have been assessed
Mum was saying because db only has a part time job and has never earned much, it would be really hard for him to get a house (he also has some years of being unemployed and will have many years without a full pension)
From what my mum was saying, he’d be getting more than us.
On one hand can see why she’d do this, on the other I’m not sure if I would and believe it’s only fair to split equally regardless of the way life has panned out.
My Db has an easier life in lots of ways, no responsibility, buys lots of things for himself and so on, but also I feel sorry that he hasn’t been able to make a life for himself.
I know my Ds would be annoyed if she knew as says he should have moved out and made his own way.

Any opinions? Would you always split your will/inheritance equally between your children?

If the parents put the property in his name and then needed care the local authority could make a claim on the property, this can be done if they believe it was done with the intention of avoiding having to pay care fees - it does happen so gifting a property is no guarantee the recipient gets to keep it. It becomes complicated if the recipient can demonstrate they have been resident for a period of time, but is not clear cut and the LA may be able to get an order that ultimately the property reverts to them or the cost of care is repaid from ultimate sale before the estate receives anything. Need proper legal advice before doing this as potentially worse case scenario none of the 3 siblings receive anything.

On MN, yup. And if GPS don't provide childcare they don't deserve elder life support either🤔

Really? I cared for my mum because she was my mum. Never had, nor expected any help either practical nor financial for my family. Because that was my responsibility not hers.
What a truly ghastly transactional attitude there.

This is a tough one - on the one hand I can totally understand how it feels unfair to you and like he's getting a house handed to him while you had to work hard for yours.

But I am ND and I am not capable of working full time, just part time. I'm guessing your db probably has the same problem. It's very common in ND people.

He probably doesn't talk about it because people usually don't understand invisible disabilities, they think we should just get on with it. Like all disabled people, we need more help to achieve the same things as NTs. In one way or another. So I would try to understand where your parents are coming from as they live with him so have more insight into his difficulties.

I completely understand it's hard and feels unfair because you worked your arse off to buy a house and no one handed you anything. But some of us don't even have the option to earn enough money for a house - we just can't.

My parents didn’t split equally. Neither did my husbands. Nor any of our grandparents. It’s very normal.
I get why you’re hurt but it’s not always realistic for it to be equal.
If he lives in their home then an equal share could, after inheritance tax, very likely see him homeless.

This

Sorry OP but yabu

Hard to say .. maybe yuor db struggles more than you think. Maybe he’s settled for an easy life even when he could do more and your parents don’t know the difference. Who knows, it’s shit and YANBU to feel upset.

One of our children has autism. If she is unable to work or work as much as her siblings when older, then yes, we may leave more to her. I'd be very pissed off if my other children had a problem with that. If they did, they would get nothing!

But Op says he CAN work full time.

I bet he knows if he sits tight he’ll get the house. My brother did the same.

Surely it doesn't need to be one thing or the other?

Your parents can leave the house to the three of you but say DB gets to live there. If he only works part time he is going to have a shock when he has to start paying the bills.

It's something you all need to sit down and talk about.

parents can do what they want

It's not about the money . But it is very much about the money isn't it ???
Just because you didn't have financial help doesn't mean you deserve the inheritance.
Its not how life works.
You have a child and husband. He is 49 living at home. Are you close ? Do you think he is happy . Does he struggle in social situations?
I really hope my autistic child's siblings are a lot nicer to them when they are older.

Me and dsis are in our forties

I have three kids a dh and a mortgage . One of kids is disabled, I work part time and will likely never work full time again due to ds needs. I'm very reliant on dh income.

Dsis is single no kids, owns her house outright which she rents out and she rents in a house share in another area . (Making a profit) She has sometimes worked part time or volunteered . Currently works four days.

Apart from bequests to grandkids everything is to be split between me and dsis . There's also this narrative that I'm well off as we have a nice house (and big mortgage) and I don't work full time (no choice)

It winds me up but I concede it's fair it's evenly split. My circumstances are not my parents responsibility. Equally I know dsis feels she should get more (not just inheritance but birthdays, Xmas etc ) as I have more money than her. Firstly I don't my dh does and secondly after bills are paid I don't.

With regards to your db, I'm uncertain- on the one hand if he asd and struggling I think it's reasonable he gets more help especially as it's his home. But I can see where you are coming from as your circumstances could change or that money could support your child's future.

On here, yes…

Same thing is happening in DH’s family. Exactly the same.

One DB had his up front so he could buy a house. The rest is mainly going to other DB as he still lives at home.

What’s frustrating, we’ve been paying monthly into his pension, as he doesn’t have a private one, and we were worried about him long term. We’d have moved heaven and earth to make sure he was ok after PiL’s death- helped him set up somewhere new, helped him with any benefit entitlements/top ups he’d be entitled to, get him on SS radar, if that was necessary. Make sure he was ok with his household organisation and banking and so on.
We absolutely wouldn’t leave him to struggle.

Now we’ll do that, but from me at least it will be with a sense of irritation. It will undermine any support he’d get from outside- he’ll no longer be entitled to a housing association type place, for example.

Thing is, we have no idea what he’s able to do because he doesn’t really talk much and his mother never lets him get a word in sideways.

When we sorted his pension out, he didn’t know whether he had a NI number, was paying NI, or anything. Didn’t know how much he earns. Or whether he had any savings.

It’s frustrating.

What would it look like do you think, if your brother lived alone?

On the upside, hopefully you won’t need to panic about her safety as she ages.

It would annoy me and it doesn't make sense.

If they are saying DBro is incapable of adulting why are they leaving it to him? How do they expect him to manage it?

At least with him living at home the house can't be sold to pay for their care.

They should really speak to a solicitor.

You should all have POA for them. Who will be the executor of their will?

It also depends on how much the house is worth. If it's over the inheritance tax threshold they might want to gift it.

Is the house suitable for them in old age ie have a downstairs loo?

Would DB even want to stay there after they are gone? Will he care for them?

If it's sold straight & split 3 ways is it enough for house deposits? If DB is on means tested benefits he'll just have to spend it which is such a waste. If the moneys in property it doesn't count towards means tested savings thresholds. Could he buy a 1 bed flat outright with his share? He should probably get enough to do this as otherwise it'd just get wasted on rent. Hopefully that would leave DSIS enough for a big deposit for a house and some for you to reduce your mortgage.

But he can work

Maybe this is a good way for you to feel better about it OP. Assuming you are happy with your life, it sounds like your DB hasn't had a great life and doesn't seem to have much of a future. You win, even if you don't get an inheritance. I know what I'd choose.

Maybe this is a good way for you to feel better about it OP. Assuming you are happy with your life, it sounds like your DB hasn't had a great life and doesn't seem to have much of a future. You win, even if you don't get an inheritance. I know what I'd choose.

Life is not fair. You are neurotypical and your brother is not: unfair. So maybe he needs more help than you and sis? I would tell my parents that whatever they decide on you are happy with it. Their money ans their children. Or if you want it to be equal try to find a solution for your brother to reassure your parents (special housing etc).

I can see why she’s thinking of doing this, and it’s good she’s doing it now so she can explain why, rather than you and your sister think ill of them when they are gone. I have 3 children and will likely treat them differently financially. My eldest I had when I was 16, he had no father in his life, my younger two have a father who is fairly well off, will inherit 500k plus and has paid / will pay for their Uni education in full. My eldest has lived with my mum for over a decade now, since A levels. He does work full time, is definitely on the spectrum but he’s 30 and it wasn’t as well picked up then and he does manage ok, so he doesn’t want to be diagnosed. When my mum passes I’ll likely give my share of her house to him, as he lives there and will want to stay, but can’t afford it. Even though I could do with this money myself, as I still don’t have my own place. Then he just need to get a mortgage to pay off my brother. I may suggest we both go on the deeds. My younger two won’t mind at all that he will get that as they fully recognise they are very fortunate and their dad will sort them out.

i think if you and your sister have your own property and the house needing to be sold and split 3 ways meaning your brother is homeless then I think your mum is right to do this. I’m sure it’s not been an easy decision.

Why on earth are you worrying about inheritance?

Both your parents are alive and well. Anything could happen, they might decide to downsize now and spend all the profit on holidays. One might become ill and pay for treatment privately, or the both may need to go into a care home and self fund.

From my point of view, you just sound grabby.

Ok seeing your sister doesn’t own her own property I feel it’s a bit unfair, maybe she’s planning to give them both a little more and you less as you have a partner and own your own property whereas they are both one income households. Whether it’s fair or not is another matter, I guess your mum is worrying a lot about how your brother will cope after they’ve gone. She doesn’t have the same worry about you and your sis.

I earn less than quarter of what siblings earn and I wouldn't want to inherit more than them. In my view the only justification would be if a sibling is disabled and unable to care for themselves.