Parents talking about giving db more in their will

[Arethereshootingstarstonight]

Before I start, I don’t care about money, adore my parents and hate when they bring up when they die to me-their funeral plans etc.
Mum was talking about things like this again and started to say about how they probably wouldn’t have the house sold and split equally three ways when they pass-to my older brother, myself and younger sister, as they’ve always spoken about in the past.
My db I believe is undiagnosed neurodivergent-likely autism. He moved out with a girlfriend when younger, but ended up back at my parents house, has a part time low paying job, pays my mum a v low amount of board-£20 per week and has lived like this for years and years.
My sister had a family youngish, moved out, split up and has worked and been a single mum for years, studying to progress further in her career
Myself-uni degree, always worked-from school age, through college, uni etc, then full time, bought house, have one child and Dh
We are not wealthy, we’ve lived away for years and have done everything ourselves, we work hard for the things we have and for Dd, we’ve had many hard times in life and financial struggles, and many good times.
Similar for my Ds, who had a very tough time and still does being a single mum, but has worked really hard.
I believe autism may be in the family and see signs in myself and Ds but neither of us have been assessed
Mum was saying because db only has a part time job and has never earned much, it would be really hard for him to get a house (he also has some years of being unemployed and will have many years without a full pension)
From what my mum was saying, he’d be getting more than us.
On one hand can see why she’d do this, on the other I’m not sure if I would and believe it’s only fair to split equally regardless of the way life has panned out.
My Db has an easier life in lots of ways, no responsibility, buys lots of things for himself and so on, but also I feel sorry that he hasn’t been able to make a life for himself.
I know my Ds would be annoyed if she knew as says he should have moved out and made his own way.

Any opinions? Would you always split your will/inheritance equally between your children?

They could leave the house in trust so on your brothers death it gets split between you and dsis, and split the cash between you all.

I completely get your frustration. I do.

My sibling has made unconventional life choices despite being very smart.
Poor financial decisions no state or private pension 🙈 amd coming up to 40?!?!
We have tried alllll the chats but he wont listen amd is doing what he is doing 🤷🏻‍♀️

As a mother myself i would completely understand if my mother left him enough to ensure he is securely housed. Even though he has no kids, made some deeply unusual choices, continues to do this KNOWING what it means....we have 2 children and I'm up to my tits in mortgage and childcare payments.

And god forbid I'm in the same situation honestly.... i might do the same.

If you want to talk to her. I think it should be from the pov of "meeting needs" and about others not yourself...
does he need a whole house?
Does your sister need help too?
Is the current arrangement giving proportional help?
What about the grandchildren? Do they need to be taken into consideration or not?

It's all very good but DM isn't thinking how dB is going to pay for the upkeep and day to day living costs of a home after they have spent a lifetime enabling his carefree spending.
You can see further down the line dB buried in a smaller house full of his belongings and you and daisy having to sort him out because he's never had to think for himself.
Not because of having autism undiagnosed but because his parents have enabled him to opt out of financial affairs.

@Arethereshootingstarstonight I have been there!! all your mother will do is end up splitting the family! uneven division of assets only makes the child given the least, feeling that they are insignificant in the family and are worthless! what she is planning is bad for all the siblings. on another note, your db will be enitiled to pension because hopefully he has been signing on. the gives him stamp credit.

...and if the parents don't do that then he may end up turning to the other siblings for support, so they're potentially actually indirectly helping you too. My only concern is how he'll manage his money once they're gone, as it sounds like he's not really done that so far?

My Dad has been in this position in his family. He is one of three brothers, him and his eldest brother both married, children, job, own a house etc. His other brother although in his 60’s when his parents died was still living at home due to issues similar to your brother.
The house was left to the brother who needed it so he never has to worry about somewhere to live. My Dad and his eldest brother understand that it’s what is needed and what their parents wanted.

Presumably the houses is at least a two bed, so would it be possible for your dB to be accommodated in a one bed place nearish you/your sister and the remainder of the will spilt between you and your dais?

Just making a tough guess as I don't know locations and costs of such in your areas

That way he would be provided for but would benefit form the social support?

It entirely depends whether your brother can't fend for himself... Or can't be arsed to fend for himself.

The former petrifies me. I have 3DC. The eldest with additional needs, not so severe that he can't live a relatively normal existence, but he is gullible, vulnerable, has no decision making skills and I can't imagine him ever living successfully outside our home. He's self destructive, and also the ideal target for anyone immoral.

Slightly different, my parents are v.wealthy and I know he is being left a significant amount. Equivalent to me (I'm an only child) and my other two DC are getting token amounts. I fully agree with this. Because they have the ability to be hugely successful, they have the ability to be shrewd or not, to have and most likely keep a family unit, to control their own stability. Their lives will play out primarily down to their choices.

Eldest doesn't really make choices. Life more happens to him and he's trying to juggle the poor planning and the errors he's made through being unable to focus or think things through. It breaks my heart to think of him without us here to turn to. At least he will have a guaranteed home for an amount of time. My younger two will probably not like that, but hell, they don't realise how he'd give the lot away in a heartbeat to have the chance of living a life like neuro typical them.

Are you going to tell your sister?

I didn't vote because you are not unreasonable to feel it is unfair. But...it is not unusual, where needs are unequal. My paternal grandfather left almost everything to one son because he needed it more. My father was fine with this because he earns well and wanted his brother to be well provided for. Obviously it is easier to accept when you yourself are comfortably off - in your case it sounds as if you and your sister could use the money.

In these circumstances I would me making sure my brother had a flat at the end of the day even if my parents left everything equally so probably easier if it was just in the will

Even being split equally in our family has caused resentment with siblings.

It's awful all.this inheritance malarkey.

Here's a thought. Why don't your parents pay his NI contributions to bring him up to state pension level and then they divide the rest equally?
I do totally appreciate it is their money to do as they wish. However this might give them some confidence he will have a level of assistance later in his life.

Do you spend much time with your brother alone? My autistic son is a young adult who outwardly appears very confident and is extremely intelligent. A few members of my family think he should be working more and have achieved more. The truth is he masks an awful lot and in reality, there are challenges, stresses and limitations only I am privy to. My son probably can progress further with time but will never be able to function at the level "expected".
Could something like this be a concern for your mum?

I understand your feelings. Wills don’t have to be fair. I’ve made a will, carefully considered it and chosen an executor who I know will carry out those wishes and no one else has a say. As someone who in the past has inherited nothing from a parent I’ve had to come to terms with that, but ultimately it’s their assets/their choice, so the hard bit was coming to terms with that. It’s not something I’d seek to influence.

I think it depends a bit on how much equity there is, would one 1/3 or even 1/2 buy a flat in the greater area? With your dsis would a 1/3 help or mess up benefits?

I would also look into whether you siblings could benefit from shared equity housing schemes where they can spend their inheritance then rent the remaining portion from the HA - works for some people.

My parents are splitting 1/3 each despite one sibling not owning but mum is clear that it's down to his life decisions. He's probably ND too but they didn't diagnose then

I agree with @Tunnelsong . It's something you have to come to terms with to be able to move on when it happens.
At least your parents have their own reasons which you may understand. My df left me nothing because he didn't like me and it's that bit of hurt you have to accept!

I think its a misguided notion that leaving money to the child with disabilities will help...it doesn't though..it stops them qualifying for care or support workers, the money has to fund that, stops them qualifying for supported accommodation so it will have to fund flat, any alterations needed ect.

The state then palms them to surviving family as with funds they can state everything can be managed from that they will also not get any benefits.
Unless it's a large amount it can stifle sourcing what they need.

I would always split equal as I wouldn't want to leave the earth with my kids squabbling..that's devastating for me.

I would hope my parents would do things equal or my brother more. (Money isn't worth losing remaining family or a feud for me) I am super close with parents and had a rough past, so even if I protested my innocence if I acquired more I would never live in peace again 😅

We are the parents in this scenario. 3 DCs in their 20s. 2 DCs live independently, good jobs, moving on with their lives.

Middle DC lives with us. Some ASD traits but not sufficient to pursue a diagnosis. Has a NMW job working 24 hours per week. He could/should work more, make some effort, learn to drive, basically move his life along. He isnt physically lazy but simply wont do things until pushed by circumstance.

We have made clear that when we die he wont inherit the house. Our estate is split 3 ways. All being well that will leave him enough to put down a sizeable deposit on a house. His sisters will help him with advice but financially he will have to sort himself out.

This. It could leave your brother even more vulnerable with you picking up pieces.

I had this when my father died. Thai bride, who remarried after 6 weeks got half and my brother got half. My brother had also been given the best deal by far alibg tge way, bought parents' house cheaply, father paid for him to build a house in Thailand ... my brother did nothing for my father that he wasn't paid for. Brother is lazy wuth no get up and go, whereas myself and dsis have plenty and gave grafted to get what we have. Ironically most of the money came f4om me pursuing a medical neigence claim from my mother.
I have not spoken to my brother since as he most definitely gave my father the sob story over and over about how we are both OK financially and he isnt blah blah and he downright lied about who was paying for the house to be built.

This.
Some children due to disability etc might need more support. That seems fair. It's parents money and they naturally are concerned about their more vulnerable children. You or your child will likely inherit from him.

That's a good idea.

Also he might only need a smaller home. It wouldn't mess up benefits if he owns without mortgage.

It sounds as if they're enabling him, tbh, so it's difficult to tell how much he would be capable of if he wasn't living with them practically rent-free.

Does he claim PIP (Personal Independence Payment)?

Can he cope if they go on holiday without him?

Does he show any desire or capacity to live independently? Would he cope in a supporting living facility for example?

Even if they left the house to him, it wouldn't fix the fact that he'd become responsible for paying the bills in full, and he'd have to manage that somehow.

If they're worried about how he'd cope after their death, they need to think more practically now - help him to claim PIP if he hasn't yet done so, consider whether he could live independently with some support, etc.

If he did continue living with them until they died, and the house had to be sold, he could apply for social housing and make a homeless application to the council; he might then get a council or housing association property which would be more affordable and secure than private rented accommodation.

They would need to be careful about leaving him a large lump sum and should seek specialist advice about leaving the money in a discretionary trust instead, as that wouldn't impact any means-tested benefits.

As a parent, I would always split the inheritance equally between my children, regardless of their needs and situations. But I would consider all of the above when planning for any disabled child(ren). If they leave him one third of the inheritance in a trust and put support in place, that could be much more helpful to him than leaving him more than his share and sisters who are potentially hurt and struggling.

I have a disabled child who will likely never work much. I am splitting evenly. However I am giving that child a life time interest to live in the family home, all siblings to receive equal if it is sold/no longer needed.