AIBU to keep the compensation money

[Pink39tree]

Sibling lives far overseas, is on a very high paying job and because of this can rarely visit home. Has been begging for me to bring our elderly mother out to visit. We agreed together as her joint birthday present I will travel with her over to the country they are at.

Initially sibling was expecting me to pay for my full plane ticket (very expensive tickets) and half of mums, which I was refusing to do. I was under the impression that I was to pay half of the travel costs of getting mum out there and that included my share of the costs. (I would never of visited if it wasn’t for mum) this meant sibling kept saying they had paid for the full present which was annoying. (I also paid for petrol to the airport, airport parking, mums food/drinks etc which all adds up)

on the way back the flight was delayed by a ridiculous amount of time, it was so badly handled by the airline and we were left stranded. My mum is elderly which meant this delays were a nightmare/stressful to cope with but I made sure she had everything she needed even if I was running around like a headless chicken. It was a long flight and so we also missed out transit which added to the stress as it meant I had to sort out replacements all on my own. Was the worst travel experience I ever had Sibling was not picking up any calls at the time and only sent a text after saying “what a nightmare glad it’s sorted now”

the airline refunded us the cost of both tickets and some compensation on top. (I had to chase repeatedly for this) I’ve kept the money for both tickets despite only paying for my own. Sibling has demanded i repay them for the cost of mums tickets, am I AIBU to keep the money as I feel we only got it for having to endure the suffering of being so badly delayed and sibling didn’t go through that nor did they support.

The flight ticket refund is part of the compensation package for the inconvenience and stress you and your mother suffered.

Your sister hasn't lost out, she didn't have to deal with anything, she got what she paid for - your mum coming to visit her.

The money goes to you and your mother. Why did you even tell her about it?

Why does your sibling know - did you tell them or your Mum?

The refund of the flight costs should be classed as delay compensation - it's not because you didn't use them. The sibling was not inconvenienced - you and your Mum were

In this case I would take off the extra it cost you for meals/changes etc. then split the total between you and your Mum 50/50
If she chooses to give some to sibling that is up to her, but you don't get to steal from your Mum

The fact your sibling is shit at helping care for your Mum is a separate issue. You need to communicate on what you will both offer in the future to help - yours might be more time based, theirs might be more financial. But make it clear it is not going to be all on you

Your sister wasn't inconvenienced at all as your mum visited her as agreed. Therefore, she's not entitled to the flight money back. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The refund and compensation was to compensate you and your mum for the distress and inconvenience that you both suffered on the return journey.

I'd keep the money and treat your mum to a nice weekend break, meal or two out etc., depending on the amount you received.

Sounds like your sister has zero clue about the hassle of the supporting an elderly person, and doesn't appreciate how relentless it can feel at times.

Agreed
sibling paid flights. Flights were taken. Mum got there and back.

OP was the carer accompanying mum. Both she and mum had a shit journey that involved them both being stressed, tired etc. op is also one that’s battled for comp for all that stress and inconvenience. It is their compensation. Nowt to do with sibling. Sibling has not been stressed or inconvienced in any way.

the amount of compensation is worked out based on flight costs, but it is not a refund on a cancelled flight where mum never got home, or sibling incurred additional costs to get mum home. The inconvenience was nothing to the sibling.

It also raises question as to why sibling doesn’t come to mum to visit, and expects mum and sibling to run around and do the stressful bit of travel?
bugger that
next time , no, I won’t be able to travel as mums companion and carer to visit you. It is far too difficult as mum is not young and it is not fair to expect her to come to you. You decided to move away . You want to see mum ? Come to her then. Or organise an accompanied flight and carer yourself to get mum over to you, yourself.

Actually having just read some replies and your updates, I’m changing my mind.

As others have said, you haven’t been refunded, you’ve been compensated to the value of the tickets plus extra for the hassle and extra expense/stress. The compensation isn't for the cost of the tickets as you arrived on time on your outward journey, visited your sibling as planned and then flew home, the tickets were used. The compensation is purely for the ordeal they put you through.

Return a portion to your sibling if you wish ( perhaps half of your Mum’s ticket as only the return flight was affected) but you are not obliged to do so. I would cover all your travel costs out of it, plus a bit for when you were sole chaperone/PA for your Mum then split the rest with your Mum.

Your mum gets half of everything you got. She was the other passenger. Why on earth would your sister get anything? She wasn’t a passenger. She paid for a service as a gift to your mum, that service was carried out all be it late. She can’t expect to have her gift refunded that’s just ridiculous but by the same respect you can’t expect to keep all the refund either because half of it is your mum’s

This 💯

@Pink39tree you need a well worded email to your sibling.

"Sibling I traveled to a destination not of my choosing to bring DM to you. I paid for my own air fare - despite it being somewhere I didn't want to go to - and paid for all the incidentals such as parking, food at the airport.

The journey back was incredibly stressful looking after DM, although even normal travel is fairly exhausting as I need to look after her.

I thought you appreciated my efforts so you could see her. It appears you don't.

I will not put myself through that again. I have given you the cost of DMs fare minus half of all the incidental costs I incurred.

I will not be doing that trip with DM again, so you can put it towards your own future air fare.
"
Actually not that well worded but sibling deserves it.

Agree, and I wonder why sibling knows about any of this.

Hi all just thought I would give an update.

After posting on here it became quite clear that my resentment to my sibling dug deeper then the compensation fiasco. Was never really about who got to keep the money but more the feelings I was bottling up about being the sole caregiver for our mum and the responsibility on my shoulders because of this. Decided to use this as an opportunity to to bring this all up to my sibling who surprisingly was completely supportive and apologetic when they realised what I’ve been dealing with. They admitted they have nowhere being doing enough and it’s all fallen on to me. They have agreed to pick up some slack and outsource as much as possible that they will pay for. I.E they will pay for a cleaner, dog Walker and they will do the weekly online food shop for mum. (All stuff I was doing previously). Also talks about getting extra care support for mum but that’s in the long run. Mums share of compensation will go to mum, mums refund will go towards paying the first few payments of the above services, which will then be paid by my sibling when it’s done. Shall see if they stick to their word

I’m so pleased you and your sibling got to address the issues around how much care you are providing for your mum. This support will help you a lot with not feeling so alone with it all, and give you more time to yourself.

Sounds like a great outcome!

What a positive outcome, great!

A really good outcome! So pleased for you. Sometimes people can be oblivious to how much time/effort/expense is involved in caring.

Sounds as though you had to work hard to get the refund so you deserve it. Tell your sister to get lost!!
People do not realise how much work elderly parents are. My Mum died the day after she told me she needed to move closer because I couldn't keep driving to her house every day.
She had made me sole executor and my sister has tried to make my life hell ever since. Sounds like the sisters would get on!!

@Pink39tree well done for speaking up, so pleased you got a positive response and hope it makes it easier for you and your mum.

This! I also agree with you OP, you had to pay and go on a nightmare trip you never would’ve gone on because your sibling couldn’t be bothered/ was unable to come and visit their own mother and she is clearly difficult /can’t travel alone. Plus you incurred all the other expenses you state. Plus you clearly have to do everything in terms of looking out for/looking after your mother in the UK, so on balance , think you are due a break. Sibling is unreasonable for demanding the money back in my opinion considering what you’ve both been through. which was to go and see them they should be feeling guilty about the whole matter and not even be arguing with you about money.

Split the compo with your mum. She was in it with you! Nothing to your sibling! You had to 'make all the running' They really had no hassle at all.

Give your Mum half the money you received & let her decide if she'd like to refund your sibling for her ticket. You keep your half.