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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave partner over this?

147 replies

chelseaflower008 · 20/07/2024 19:32

Basically my "partner" has a sleep condition where he will just fall asleep, he refuses to go to the doctors for a formal diagnosis as he believe he won't be able to work/drive.

I do 90% of our child's care but partner does give me money every month.

Lately I have been feeling so exhausted with my son teething etc and I have asked him to go to the doctors as I am really struggling doing everything.

Instead he books a holiday for three days with his cousin and he came back on Friday and he promised me that he would look after our son today all day, but his cousin has called him and he has gone to meet him.

I cried that I need more help and to put me and our son first.
He wasn't interested.

When I talk about moving closer to family as I can't cope and very close to being pre diabetic (has GD in pregnancy) he says "I am taking his son away from him."

I really don't know what to do.
I really feel like just going to my parents.

He just refuses to help me and I am really struggling

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 21/07/2024 00:02

chelseaflower008 · 20/07/2024 19:37

I never do leave him alone and that is why I am partly so exhausted.

He could do the washing, wash bottles but he doesn't even do that.
I have cried and begged him so many times I just don't know what to do.

If I say I'm going to my parents he says I'm taking his son away from him

Tell him fuck yes! You are taking the vulnerable child away from a lazy tosser who doesn't even remotely resemble a competent and loving father.

How on earth did you get hooked up with this individual in the first place?

Stop letting him run your one and only life here on earth. Take charge!!

MaidOfSteel · 21/07/2024 00:02

I just want to send you my very best wishes for your new future, OP.

Hippobot · 21/07/2024 00:06

This is exactly what my ex was like when we had our baby (apart from the sleep disorder). I ended up going to my parents so I had some help/support...3 years later and I'm still with my parents and my ex has moved abroad. That's how interested he was in our child (we had been together 12 years when our baby was born. He just didn't want the responsibility and was lazy and selfish).

LightSpeeds · 21/07/2024 00:24

chelseaflower008 · 20/07/2024 19:37

I never do leave him alone and that is why I am partly so exhausted.

He could do the washing, wash bottles but he doesn't even do that.
I have cried and begged him so many times I just don't know what to do.

If I say I'm going to my parents he says I'm taking his son away from him

Yes, I bet he says all sorts of shit blaming you. Just stop listening or processing it.

You also need to dump his lazy arse.

PlantDoctor · 21/07/2024 00:32

A family member of mine has narcolepsy. Medicine can make the symptoms much less severe. My family member is safe to work and drive.

Having said that, it's insane he won't go to GP because they might stop him driving. How selfish does he have to be? He could kill people if he falls asleep at the wheel.

billyt · 21/07/2024 00:54

Dillydollydingdong · 20/07/2024 19:37

Tell him this is a problem and if he doesn't man up, you'll speak to his mother. And do it. I would.

My bloody mother would have been the last person I would have listened to.

@chelseaflower008

your 'partner' is a dick.

Raise your bar

Mmhmmn · 21/07/2024 01:06

Go be with your family for support. If he’s desperate to keep you in his life, he can come live near them too. If you want him to.

WorriedMama12 · 21/07/2024 02:52

IdaPrentice · 20/07/2024 22:39

I don't think the DVLA will do anything if he doesn't have any diagnosis. That's probably why he refuses to see the GP.

Glad you're going to stay with your family OP.

They most definitely can do something without a diagnosis. They certainly did when my ex father in law was showing signs of what we all thought was dementia and being unable to safely drive. He refused to see the GP and insisted that there was nothing wrong. He comtiued to drive despite pleas from the family and ex MIL got so worried that she reported him to the DVLA as a last option.

Babbahabba · 21/07/2024 11:34

Good on you OP- you're definitely making the best decision for you and your son. Here's to a happier more settled future for you both. Flowers

Judecb · 21/07/2024 17:32

Take the initiative and go. If there's a small part of you that wants to keep the family together, make it conditional that he gets help for what is obviously a medical condition AND that he changes his selfish attitude!

ZoeLoey · 21/07/2024 17:37

Shouldn't be driving if he could fall asleep at the wheel. He could kill someone. Report him.

PonyPatter44 · 21/07/2024 17:42

It's interesting that everyone is talking about the man who may or may not have narcolepsy or possibly just chronic lazy-itis, and the conversation has diverted away from a woman who is struggling on her own with a useless partner and a young child.

OP, regardless of any medical condition your partner might have, he is a rubbish partner and a poor father. Does he actually have a proper job (and does he fall asleep all the time at work)? Will you get regular child maintenance from him if you separate?

Don't worry about him saying stupid things like he'll report you to social services or whatever. You're clearly a good mum, there is nothing for social services to get involved with.

VickyPollard25 · 21/07/2024 18:29

chelseaflower008 · 20/07/2024 19:37

I never do leave him alone and that is why I am partly so exhausted.

He could do the washing, wash bottles but he doesn't even do that.
I have cried and begged him so many times I just don't know what to do.

If I say I'm going to my parents he says I'm taking his son away from him

How are you taking his son away from him? He is leaving his son constantly. It doesn’t work only my one way. Each time he takes a holiday or goes out he is leaving his son. Yet you’re not allowed to go anywhere with your son? This is ridiculous.

I think this man’s blatant disregard for you means you should leave him.

mrsspacedaddy · 21/07/2024 18:42

I finally told my husband that I felt like we’re friends. I’d been feeling it strongly for a few weeks but the length of time it’s taken to get to this point is years worth of reasons behind it a so it won’t be a quick fix.

Obviously it came as a complete shock to him, which is understandable. He was quite defensive initially but since spoke again and he understands why I’m left with little emotional connection towards him.

I said it like we’re two best friends who decided to have kids and share a house.

im just wondering if anyone else has been through this and what the outcome is. Right now, I can’t see that we’ll get back to where we were or get what we need but I think that’s just because of how I feel in the present.

Rycbar · 21/07/2024 18:54

If a doctor tells him he can’t drive then there is a reason for that. If he thinks this will happen then he shouldn’t be driving!! I would report him to the DVLA. Can you imagine if he killed someone because of his negligence??

queenMab99 · 21/07/2024 19:03

Is it really a sleep disorder, or is he doing drugs/alcohol? as this is how it affected a relative of mine. He doesn't sound like a loving partner or parent apart from the sleep problem.

MyNDfamily · 21/07/2024 19:08

chelseaflower008 · 20/07/2024 19:37

I never do leave him alone and that is why I am partly so exhausted.

He could do the washing, wash bottles but he doesn't even do that.
I have cried and begged him so many times I just don't know what to do.

If I say I'm going to my parents he says I'm taking his son away from him

He can't have it both ways. I know how you feel. My DH can be very unreasonable.

He either helps or you go. Maybe you should go, just for a bit to shock him into action.

Missingpop · 21/07/2024 19:22

Do yourself a favour one child to care for is enough without having an adult sized one too
Do you actually find this man attractive? Does you heart still skip a beat when he cuddles you? Do you really feel loved, cherished & cared for by him; I’m guessing it’s a NO to everything grab some black sacks stuff everything that’s his & leave it on the e doorstep then lock the doors & windows close all the curtains & snuggle down & to watch tv with little one of course he’s going to go ape when he comes home but just shout out of an upstairs window go or I’ll call the police & have you done for harassment now fffjog on it’s over

lpylou · 21/07/2024 19:28

'He needs to live life and will be back in the morning'

Dear god. Is he trying to get you to break up with him?! Fancy saying that to the mother of your child who is in survival mode solo parenting. I'm guessing you don't have much of a life outside of being a mum right now.
^
I'm so sick of seeing posts like this on here, they're far too frequent. Men having children and not helping. It's abuse. There should be laws about this.

Not long ago one mum was asking whether she should leave because her partner was similar to this and the trigger for her was he went to the gym at 10am one Saturday morning and then didn't come home, went out to the pub all afternoon and evening, also stating (not asking) to stay out all night.

Everyone thought he was having an affair. Honestly a lot of this behaviour sounds like same, it's like your partner is in his own selfish world and doesn't have an ounce of empathy for you. Run, run for the hills. Don't look back, before he erodes all of your confidence.

You deserve better. So does DS. Your parents must be beside themselves with worry for you.^

PeepDeBeaul · 21/07/2024 19:31

Please reach out to a domestic abuse charity for support. You are being coercively controlled using guilt and threats.
Follow through with your plans to leave. Do not tell him where you are, and only allow supervised visits for the child in a public place. Ask the domestic violence charity for advice about this.
Contact social services as you believe your son will come to harm under his care, not malicious harm, but harm due to the sleep condition (which sounds a lot like Narcolepsy to me but i'm no doctor).
Report him to the DVLA.

you have done all you can to support this man-child...time to focus on yourself.

TeaGinandFags · 21/07/2024 19:46

PosingPosture20 · 20/07/2024 19:45

Leave him.

And report him to the DVLA before he kills someone.

This.

In spades.

LaurenArc · 21/07/2024 19:53

chelseaflower008 · 20/07/2024 19:32

Basically my "partner" has a sleep condition where he will just fall asleep, he refuses to go to the doctors for a formal diagnosis as he believe he won't be able to work/drive.

I do 90% of our child's care but partner does give me money every month.

Lately I have been feeling so exhausted with my son teething etc and I have asked him to go to the doctors as I am really struggling doing everything.

Instead he books a holiday for three days with his cousin and he came back on Friday and he promised me that he would look after our son today all day, but his cousin has called him and he has gone to meet him.

I cried that I need more help and to put me and our son first.
He wasn't interested.

When I talk about moving closer to family as I can't cope and very close to being pre diabetic (has GD in pregnancy) he says "I am taking his son away from him."

I really don't know what to do.
I really feel like just going to my parents.

He just refuses to help me and I am really struggling

Sorry to hear you’re with this deadbeat partner and father. Like so many have said, LEAVE. It’s really not going to improve. The things he’s saying about taking his child away is just pure manipulation - if he was that bothered about you and his child he’d be stepping up and being the partner and father he should be. Instead, he’s going on like a teenager. Honestly, get out while you can!

Pippetypoppity · 21/07/2024 20:21

Tell him this is a child welfare issue. An exhausted mother is not the best for his baby. For this reason you are most definitely going to ‘take his child away from him’ because you must find someone else to fulfill his essential parenting contribution - namely your mother. This will ensure his child is cared for to the best level. If he whines, tell him indefatigably that it’s his doing. Bad choices have consequences. Then grey rock him unless he changes and leave pronto.

lpylou · 21/07/2024 20:23

Pippetypoppity · 21/07/2024 20:21

Tell him this is a child welfare issue. An exhausted mother is not the best for his baby. For this reason you are most definitely going to ‘take his child away from him’ because you must find someone else to fulfill his essential parenting contribution - namely your mother. This will ensure his child is cared for to the best level. If he whines, tell him indefatigably that it’s his doing. Bad choices have consequences. Then grey rock him unless he changes and leave pronto.

Great point.

Marine30 · 21/07/2024 20:30

chelseaflower008 · 20/07/2024 19:37

I never do leave him alone and that is why I am partly so exhausted.

He could do the washing, wash bottles but he doesn't even do that.
I have cried and begged him so many times I just don't know what to do.

If I say I'm going to my parents he says I'm taking his son away from him

The part about ‘taking his son away from him’ is pure manipulation. He’s not bothered about this when he’s out with his cousin all the time is he.
If you have cried in front of him and asked many times for his help and none has been given sadly it is time to leave. I say sadly because of it is tough for you - not him x