To leave partner over this?

[chelseaflower008]

Basically my "partner" has a sleep condition where he will just fall asleep, he refuses to go to the doctors for a formal diagnosis as he believe he won't be able to work/drive.

I do 90% of our child's care but partner does give me money every month.

Lately I have been feeling so exhausted with my son teething etc and I have asked him to go to the doctors as I am really struggling doing everything.

Instead he books a holiday for three days with his cousin and he came back on Friday and he promised me that he would look after our son today all day, but his cousin has called him and he has gone to meet him.

I cried that I need more help and to put me and our son first.
He wasn't interested.

When I talk about moving closer to family as I can't cope and very close to being pre diabetic (has GD in pregnancy) he says "I am taking his son away from him."

I really don't know what to do.
I really feel like just going to my parents.

He just refuses to help me and I am really struggling

I have type 2, they believe this does run in families. It is autoimmune and is dormant so my relatives are just more likely to fall asleep at the cinema than is normal but don't have narcolepsy. I had flu when I was 16. That triggered mine to become full narcolepsy. It took 3 years to get diagnosed because at that age doctors just fob you off. I was eventually sent to the ME/chronic fatigue clinic at the hospital and the consultant there told me he was fairly certain I had a sleep disorder. He wrote to the GP, who the referred me to a specialist sleep clinic. There are very specific tests, you're plugged into monitors overnight and during the next day you are told to lie in a dark room at 2 hourly intervals. The average person takes 24 minutes to fall asleep in that situation they told me. I took 3, every time! I go into REM sleep before I'm actually asleep fully, they can see that on the monitors too. That's how they know its narcolepsy specifically not Sleep Apnoea or Restless Legs Syndrome.
My children may have inherited it, but both have been tested because I had concerns at different times and my consultant was amazing at immediately testing them. They showed no signs. My eldest very likely has it dormant so it is possible he will have it triggered by illness in future like I did but equally possible he won't.
There is no cure, but I can take meds so I have a better level of functioning, they don't "fix" me but they help. They're amphetamine based so obviously have the possibility to create other issues too. I'm very happy to chat if you want to message me any time

He can report you to anyone he likes. They can't do anything. You are allowed to leave him.
Visitation is decided in court or in mediation, not by social services. Social services are there for child endangerment, not to be used by spiteful parents against each other.
The fact that he's threatened you makes it all the more imperative that you leave.
You need to see a lawyer ASAP. The sooner you do that, the sooner you'll get child support.

I'm actually very relieved to hear that. The thought of someone driving along and suddenly falling asleep at the wheel and potentially killing other road users or pedestrians is chilling.

I don't think the DVLA will do anything if he doesn't have any diagnosis. That's probably why he refuses to see the GP.

Glad you're going to stay with your family OP.

@POTC thank you for sharing your story and providing me with a lot of useful information.
I will PM you as I am really concerned about my son inheriting it from him.

Leave the useless.twat.

And please report him re the driving

100%.
But I have texts where he admits he falls asleep and how if he gets a formal diagnose it will "mess his life up".
He doesn't care if he kills an innocent person whilst driving, very selfish man.

Thank you I am looking forward to finally being free and happy with my son.

This is the NHS guidance for GPs on narcolepsy. It does sound like that is what the problem is.

https://www.nice.org.uk/advice/es8/chapter/introduction-and-current-guidance

Make sure you screenshot all of those messages in which you discuss his medical issue.

It doesn't matter if he reports you to SS - you haven't done anything wrong. You are just trying to protect your child.

It sounds like he wouldn't want to step up and look after the baby anyway. He's incapable.

What is your relationship with his parents like? Do you think they'd offer to have the baby for visits, so he's never left on his own?

For God's sake, report him!

If he crashes again and kills someone you will have that on your conscience, OP.

He’s had his chance to stop you going and he didn’t step up, so now he can step out,

He's a useless piece of crap.

I expect the sudden falling asleep isn't narcolepsy but laziness.

When would you want to be married by someone who doesn't care about you or your child?

Register a claim with CMS on Monday too - he can’t stop paying for your baby because he doesn’t feel like it.

"If I say I'm going to my parents, he says I'm taking his son away from him"

He can make choices on his end. You must take choices on yours. You will be taking his son away. But step back from that emotive language. There are many other, more accurate ways to describe your actions. Why buy into his?

You are protecting your son. You are minimising his contact with a parent who may not appreciate the risk. He may well be a loving father, but his medical issues constitute a risk to dc. So he can hire a nanny to be back up, or see dc under supervision, etc. He cannot put dc in danger. That is a certainty.

He cannot expect anyone to hand over a child without being sure they are 100% safe. That is sometimes straightforward, but often it is not! Hence, family court orders, contact schedules etc.

I appreciate that you had a v difficult relationship with the father, but now is the time to try and build something different. If you are not up for that, you are not ready for a relationship, fatherhood etc

So what if he says that? Take your DS while he is gone. Your NVDP is NOT being a good person, and he is NOT your boss, parent or your minder. See if you can stay at your parents for a week and decide what you need to do (though I think you already know). You deserve better and so does your DS.

You need to leave and claim your freedom! He is going to wear you down to nothing. You owe him nothing.

It is also wrong that he doesn't see a doctor for his narcolepsy (from his symptoms). People with that condition have hurt others in MVAs and could cause any number of things to happen in your home. There are plenty of workable treatments (not cures) for the condition, and he is foolish not to seek them out.

He possibly has a medical condition called Narcolepsy. If this is the case he really should not be driving. He could kill himself Or worse, kill others. I would phone his GP and tell them you are very worried. Ask if they could perhaps get him to come in to surgery for a health check - screening or something. Maybe a routine Blood test - prostate check etc. This is really serious. If GP won’t help then I’d report to police

I know someone whose mother reported their epilepsy to their doctor and the dvla because they weren't responsible enough to stop driving and not risk other peoples lives as well as their own.

You and your child deserve so much better.

Leave. So sorry x

He's being an idiot - definitely leave.

IF he'd gone to the Drs he'd be referred to sleep clinic, he'd likely get a CPAP machine, get proper sleep and not lose his licence.

My DP has severe obstructive sleep apnea, could fall asleep anywhere, any time, the minute he is not concentrating pretty much.

Got treated, did not lose his licence, now he only falls asleep on the sofa, or in bed, not say, standing up in the kitchen or eating dinner or in the bath etc!

OP….you aren’t ‘taking his son away from him’ you’re taking ‘your son away with you’.

He needs to grow up. Take your son and go. If he was bothered he’d seek help and help you!

Go to your parents. Immediately. Hes not mature enough to face up to his responsibilities and if he does have sleep disorders then it's not safe for him to have the kids alone anyway.
He's going to do nothing but drag you down and make you wait on him, he won't do any childcare. There's no purpose to him whatsoever.

Is manning up like, growing a pair, or wearing the trousers? Sounds like internalised misogyny to me!

But he is not there for his son, is he? Seems to prefer his cousin's company to his child's

He went away for three days yet randomly falls asleep.
Hes gone out with his mate but has this falling asleep problem which he won’t see a doctor about? I’m not a doctor but I suspect lazyitis. *
And you don’t need to sound appreciative that he gives you money each month!!

Talk to you parents, explain to them you need to get away then leave when he’s at work or away with his friends again. He wants to see his child then he makes the effort to visit.

* and yes he could have a medical condition but he’ll never know if he doesn’t see a dr.
Can’t abide bloody lazy men who don’t pull their weight.

OP I'm really pleased that you have made up your mind to go to your parents, and report him to the DVLA. You obviously entered this relationship in good faith, but he's letting you and your DS down badly, so don't blame yourself for ANYTHING, it's all his fault, and don't let him fool you into thinking otherwise. Time for him to grow up and take some responsibility, not only for his sake, but for the safety of others, and for the child that he has fathered. I'm SO glad you have parents around to support you.