To ask if I’m being shortsighted about the number of children we want to have

[youngoneanddone]

DH and I used to talk about wanting a big family when we first got together. We were very young then and having several more years of adulting behind us, we both feel pretty sure we are content sticking with baby DD. There are a number of reasons for this but the main ones being to guarantee we can provide for her financially and support her in the future as well as having enough time for each other and our marriage - we both work busy jobs and I want to minimise the mental load and be present for DD, DH and myself. Multiple kids only looks fun if one parent can significantly drop their working hours or be a SAHM, or earns enough to afford extra household support like cleaners or a nanny. Otherwise I imagine it is stress on stress.

A few relatives have said to me that we are SO young to make this decision, we have plenty of time to have a large age gap, etcetera. All of this is true. I know circumstances can change.

AIBU thinking we’ll stick to this decision? Did anyone else decide this at a young age?

Edited: doh, left out our ages!! That would help! We’re mid 20s.

You’ve forgotten to put your age or DCs age

you dont have to decide now forever, do you. And anyway, lots of children arrive in spite of their parents decision not to have any more

Well the big question is how old are you

Oops, baby brain. We’re mid 20s so still young

Why do you have to decide this now?

This is true but we’d always be extremely careful unless actively trying. I think if you are very careful then it’s much less likely to have any surprises.

I ideally don’t want to be on hormonal contraception forever so we’d want to decide by the time we’re 30, I think.

You've got time to decide, just enjoy what you have for now. Also, I very much recommend you stop talking to wider family about this. It really is personal between you and you dh, and it can often muddy the waters when other people feel like they have a say in your lives. Just leave your options open and be happy. Only children are great. Two is great. Others will vouch for 3+ being great. See what life brings and make the best decisions you can in the moment. x

So you still don’t need to decide right now then. Just give it some time, your mind might change and it might not. I’d just relax about it and try and shut the conversation down with your family.

Agree with advice not to talk to wider family about this. It's a very personal decision between you and DH

Who knows how either of you will feel in a couple of years, especially as DD is still only a baby.

Absolutely no need to make a decision now, or for many years tbh.

I wouldn’t just have1 child. I think it’s such a lot of responsibility to put on one person, being siblingless. But that’s me and it’s your life.

💯

i have one DC, decided straight away we didn’t want anymore. I was mid 20’s, partner older - we never regretted it or changed our minds. Most importantly we did not discuss it with anyone but each other & were unanimous in our decision.

Also just to add we did not do anything to make this choice permanent (as in protection) until 10 years down the line. So we left ourselves plenty time to ensure this was right for us.

It doesn't really matter...
Have 1, have 2, have 3. It's your and dh's choice. There's no right amount to have so just do whatever you both want 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you do change your mind later you will be spending more time in the baby zone and have a bigger age gap.

When my babies were newborn to 1 year old I wanted oodles of babies

Adored them. Cried about not having newborn babies forever

Loved breastfeeding, little outfits and being pregnant

Then the toddler years

This is why I have 2 and made damn well sure I'd only ever have 2

i only have one, but for broadly opposite reasons. I can’t get on with being pregnant or having a baby. Toddlers who can talk t9 you? Piece of cake.

I agree with PP. If you change your mind down the line you are back into nappies & sleepless nights when you could have it all over with.
Just another perspective, I was an only child and always wished for a sibling. I was lonely even though I had plenty of cousins & friends. I always wished for someone to have my back at school.
Thinking of the future too, your DC may be left alone to deal with you and dh when you are elderly.
It may be a lot for one person.
However, other factors could make this happen too even if you had more than 1 eg if one of them moved abroad. At the end of the day it's up to you and DH only.

Same!

Well who knows? In 10 years time you will both me totally different people.

I think if you know you're happy then it's the right choice for you. No need to second guess. I always yearned for another baby after DD1 and was quite tormented by the idea of having only her. Now she's 5 and I'm expecting my second I am increasingly conscious of how good we currently have it with a singleton, for all the reasons you've listed and more. But I know I'd have always been so sad not to get a chance to have another. I just felt half-finished.

If you're content, and you know you're content, there's nothing you need to justify to yourself or to anyone else. Maybe you'll change your mind one day, maybe you won't. Doesn't matter. Just enjoy life with your little family.

Why on earth do you need to decide now? If you don’t want hormonal contraception I would get the coil. I found it amazing and barely had a period!

It's not so much that you're young, but that your child is just a baby. Your hormones aren't giving you a strong drive to reproduce while you have a baby clinging to you.

You might carry on feeling like this forever, but why assume so? One thing I have learned is that anything goes with gaps. Bigger gaps are different, but not second best.

I have 2 DD's and they are best friends. So lovely to see their relationship at 17 and 15.

But agree you don't need to decide now as you are young! And have the ability to earn more and be financially secure for them

Feelings change and life happens @youngoneanddone.

We wanted at least three, preferably four. We have two. It wasn't a choice.