To ask if I’m being shortsighted about the number of children we want to have

[youngoneanddone]

DH and I used to talk about wanting a big family when we first got together. We were very young then and having several more years of adulting behind us, we both feel pretty sure we are content sticking with baby DD. There are a number of reasons for this but the main ones being to guarantee we can provide for her financially and support her in the future as well as having enough time for each other and our marriage - we both work busy jobs and I want to minimise the mental load and be present for DD, DH and myself. Multiple kids only looks fun if one parent can significantly drop their working hours or be a SAHM, or earns enough to afford extra household support like cleaners or a nanny. Otherwise I imagine it is stress on stress.

A few relatives have said to me that we are SO young to make this decision, we have plenty of time to have a large age gap, etcetera. All of this is true. I know circumstances can change.

AIBU thinking we’ll stick to this decision? Did anyone else decide this at a young age?

Edited: doh, left out our ages!! That would help! We’re mid 20s.

I had my second at 24 and knew that that was enough for me. I'm 38 now and that hasn't changed, neither dh nor I have ever wanted another. Who knows what position you will be in in 5, 10, 15 years time though. Maybe you will change your mind, maybe you won't. There is no need to declare that you have made a final decision at this point. I'm not sure we ever told people we had decided on two but I'm sure at this stage they have gotten the idea.

As you get older, your hormones may change and impact your decision making more regarding how many babies to have. Im not sure it's wise for him to have the snip age 30 - say you get baby fever when you turn 31 and you can't have another baby with your husband? 35+ yes because you know from that age health and miscarriage risks are increased etc so it's easier to accept.

I could have written this word for word. It's hard and only another only can understand this level of pain. Yes there are siblings who don't get on or don't talk but they had a chance which onlies don't have. Much love Strawberriesandpears* *💛OP just go with the flow there is no rush for you to decide now.

Aww thank you for understanding. Much love to you too 💛

We said the same but we changed our minds. DS1 is now almost 30. I was married but only 23 when he was born. Following the death of my DB aged 19 and DF shortly after I changed my mind. I was 32 at the time.
One of the reasons (but not the only one), I changed my mind was wanting to give him a sibling. There's a ten year age gap. Becoming a DM again at 33 was a much better experience, so much so we has another DC just two years later. The younger two are almost 18 and 19 now. They adore their big brother. No regrets.

At least you're making this decision at a time when 'one and done' is a more common choice, or no children at all. Many of my younger colleagues choose to remain child-free or stick with just one in response to uncertainty concerning housing, the economy and the changing climate, which in itself is incredibly tragic, but at least there seems to be greater general acceptance of what was previously more niche choices.

I really hate the idea that people think of children as future carers for themselves when they’re “old and needy” and so have multiples just to spread the burden out. That’s pretty crappy in and of itself, but it also denies the reality that for most existing families it always falls down to one grown child to actually do the caring anyway. I’m one of five, and everything falls to me. Wouldn’t have mattered if I’d been an only child or of my parents had had another six.

“General acceptance of niche choices”?! People on Mumsnet are so weird about only children! It’s really very odd.

I think it's perfectly find for you to be happy with one child, but your both young only have a baby. When we had DD if you had asked me at that stage if we would have another I would have said no and I was 30. Yet we had DS 4 years later and he was very much planned.

So I wouldn't do anything permanent at the moment and just see how things go.

Go to the elderly parents board and you'll often see discussions where an only says thank God they don't have siblings if that's the trouble they cause.

How old is your dd?

Often you change your mind as your child gets older. I say often as many decided one and done, which is absolutely fine.

I wanted a big family, but stopped after two due to the financial costs. I'm now 43 and wish I'd had more, but on the hand, know that I would have struggled providing for them all as ones left uni and ones just finished his first year. I'm not on a massive salary, some would say it's good, others round wonder how on earth I survive lol but finances definitely made the decision for me.

Same

You could and I would, who else decides if you get married ? FGS

I’m one of 3. Never played as children, never see them as adult. Having multiple children doesn’t mean they will have anything in common or help
with adult problems. The only thing I remember is constantly arguing as teenagers.

Ds is an only so far. He’s never been bored or lonely for another child to be living home 24/7. He gets contact now with other children at childcare and play dates or just out and about. He’s content playing with toys alone or with dh and I. And as just one child fits easier into days out or our working schedule

I agree. And who is to say an only child will (or should) take it on themselves to stick around and look after elderly parents. They could emigrate and never return.

People are people. If they are nearby and open to helping elderly parents, it doesn’t matter if they is one child or one of three. The only difference having multiple children is that you are increasing the odds of one of them being around to help and if that’s your motive, you might as well have six or ten children to increase the odds further. Cheaper to save for a care home!

Rubbish. DC 1 grew up an only ( 18 year gap before DTs came along) and was never bored, and is an incredibly self sufficient resourceful person. My twins? Always bored. Always falling out. Very needy. Non stop whinging. An only child is a blissful experience for all concerned ime.

Why does what anyone think matter? You do what's best for you and your family.

I would really park any of these suggestions to have more children so they are there for you when your older. I actually think it's quite a grotesque reason to have children. Children are people in their own right. They shouldn't be born with the expectation they'll be future carers.

I work in Older adult care. Myself and my colleagues will tell you that the vast majority of our cases, it's normally one child who manages everything anyway with endless, endless stories of siblings falling out or not involved or having moved away. And while it is hard, they manage to cope just fine. Its the one thing I'm not worried about at all having one!

You have the right number of children that is right for you. Life isn't black and white and there's about a 1000 different scenarios and variables that can play out with having children.

I think you're incredibly sensible and sounds like the right decision. The planet is so crowded too, so environmentally it's a great decision too.

@Strawberriesandpears @Busybeemumm well it's not really the point of the thread , but you're not wrong for feeling how you feel. Nobody is.

I'm an only child and can't relate to anything you say. I love it, sole charge, all their attention and resources for me. There's more including how my parents siblings treated them and grandparents causing a lot of hurt but I'll leave that out.

The point is, you'll never know how any specific child will feel about their family situation. All children and families are different.
So as a parent, this shouldn't be a consideration. Have the kids cos you want them.

I don’t see the point in thinking about this, OP. Just crack on with life and see how you feel. Certainly don’t consider what others think.

I think every child has a different experience - I was adopted and my adoptive parents had a bio son (a bit older than me). We get on perfectly fine as adults, but didn’t like each other much as children - he didn’t have my back at school and we rarely played together at home.
I have bio siblings, too, not sure how they got on when very young but when I met my bio brother (as teenagers), he wasn’t getting along with our younger sister, either.
I think a lot depends on the children’s personalities (which can’t be predicted) and what’s going on around them (I grew up in covert domestic abuse, they grew up with an absent father and mentally ill mother).

This. Fundamentally, very little difference in mental load etc between one and two children. On the contrary, 2 kids close together entertain each other, and just make life so much more FUN for each other !
But I would definitely have them close together. Very dull otherwise, you are just stuck in the baby zone forever, can’t travel, they don’t want to watch the same thing on TV etc.

This is absolute rubbish. There's no guarantee that siblings will make life more fun or always get on. Also for some reason the mental load is so much more that it can impact on mental and physical health.

And it's only on here there's this ridiculous notion you have to have kids close together for them to get on. I had a twin who I had nothing in common with and was always much closer to my other sibling 4 years older. We always went on holidays, day trips and played together. Age was never an issue. Neither was it for my partner and his brother who is 5.5 years younger. They've always had loads in common and are still incredibly close.

The narrow mindness on here astounds me at times.

That should say "also for some" not "also for some reason"!