To ask if I’m being shortsighted about the number of children we want to have

[youngoneanddone]

DH and I used to talk about wanting a big family when we first got together. We were very young then and having several more years of adulting behind us, we both feel pretty sure we are content sticking with baby DD. There are a number of reasons for this but the main ones being to guarantee we can provide for her financially and support her in the future as well as having enough time for each other and our marriage - we both work busy jobs and I want to minimise the mental load and be present for DD, DH and myself. Multiple kids only looks fun if one parent can significantly drop their working hours or be a SAHM, or earns enough to afford extra household support like cleaners or a nanny. Otherwise I imagine it is stress on stress.

A few relatives have said to me that we are SO young to make this decision, we have plenty of time to have a large age gap, etcetera. All of this is true. I know circumstances can change.

AIBU thinking we’ll stick to this decision? Did anyone else decide this at a young age?

Edited: doh, left out our ages!! That would help! We’re mid 20s.

Make your decision and don’t involve anyone other than your DH.

I have two kids and was a SAHM for years and now work part-time.

Small age gap and my kids do nothing but argue. and have always been this way.Not a week goes by that I don’t wish I’d only had one child - the stress of school fees, time, giving practical and emotional support and of course physical and mental health support. I’ve no idea why I had two kids other than feeling I ‘should’ and being an older mum, time wasn’t on my side.

if your DD is still very little then your lack of parenting experience can make the decision difficult as you don’t know what it’s like to parent an older child. You may / may not change your mind with time

I think it's a sensible decision. We have 2 but I'm a sahm and even then I find the juggling hard. There are things that we struggle to do with 2 that would have been easy with 1. We manage because DH and I work as a team and often take one child each, and we have very little down time from the dc. It works OK as I'm a sahm and I get a break when youngest is in preschool and eldest is in school, but if I had to work then I would only ever be at work or with the dc. With just 1 dc it's easier for one parent to have a break while the other parent has one to one time with the dc, and easier for relatives to look after one dc. I don't think I would have had dc2 if we were both working ft.

I often torture myself with the same question, op. For us, it's about work, our mental health and having experience no village around us for the first year, awareness of how hard it is to have zero time off. We do now have brilliant support as we've moved closer to family, but whilst they are happy to babysit and even do sleep overs with one DC, I'm not sure they would with another- plus grandparents would be older, etc

I struggle with it a lot, I feel a failure for not feeling that I could manage a second. But someone else put it well up thread, I'm not sure why I feel that way- I think it's just a sense of having a second being the "normal" thing to do, or expected of us.

I don't really have time on my side (mid 30s) either! Lots of people mention the whole coping with elderly parents alone thing but I hope that by sticking with one we can financially prepare ourselves for care homes etc to hopefully prevent DC having to be actively involved if they don't want to be. I am sad to think they'd not have a sibling to remember their childhood with, though.

It's a hard one, but whatever you decide will be ok as you'll never know the other path.

I was in my 20’s when I had my son & i decided I didn’t want anymore. People still ask me if I’m going to have more and he’s 20 now

I have 4. It's busy but lovely! But different strokes for different folks and all that, we always knew we wanted 4, didn't feel done until we had 4 whereas some people just have one and know they are done, only you can make the decision that fits you best!

Your relatives are rude and this discussion is pointless.
Currently, you're mid-20's (very young) and have a baby. No plans to have another.
In a few years, you may want another. In which case have another. Or don't.
Why the big fuss around a 'decision'?

Personally I don't think you'll change your mind as you don't seem to want a DC over everything else. Time for 'each other and a family'??, your careers, all these pale in comparison to having more children if you really have the urge to reproduce.

You're discussing this too much with people in your life. As if you're asking them for permission or for their blessing.

Who knows if you'll 'stick to it'. You don't need to stick to anything, though you don't always have a choice (infertility etc). Your reasons for having 1 are totally valid though and I agree with your reasoning.

I have 1 (not really by choice as couldn't have anymore. Dc was conceived with ivf). But it's all worked out for the best. I love our family of 3 (plus dog). Life is fun and easy. Dd is a teen. We have good jobs (I can afford to work pt), we overpaid our mortgage (so we're mortgage free at 38, think of all those extra nursery fees that could go towards mortgage!), dh and I have lots of time for each other, easy to get a babysitter etc. Now that dd is older it's all about sleepovers! Dd friends love staying here, and when she goes to theirs (at least once/ twice a month) dh and I go out and have fun!

We can save for dd future, driving lessons, car, uni, house deposit.

Stick with one! I love both my DC, but life would have been easier with just one!

There was 13 years between my sister, and me. I always wished we were a similar age. Because some times she felt more like a older person than my sister.

Why on earth are you discussing this with your relatives? It's nothing to do with them. Just make your own decision (whatever it is) and keep it to yourselves. I am childfree by choice and never once talked about it with parents, in laws etc.

Decide what?
For him to have a snip?
To. stop having sex?

I did not want children when I was mid 20s at all as my life was a mess and had them after 35. Best decision ever.

Good luck for the 5 to 10 years that DC cries and winges they are bored, lonely and have no one to play with. Just another view.

name changed for this as I could never admit this in real life.

We had our first. DP wanted a big family as he’s from a small one, and I was very unsure I wanted any more. I eventually decided that I didn’t want DS1 to be an only, so we had DS2, with a relatively small age gap.

I love DS2, truly I do, but I sometimes wish very strongly we’d stuck with just one. I feel like I’m being ripped in two a lot of the time. I don’t have enough time for the two of them, it’s bloody expensive. Bigger kids really do mean bigger problems. There are days where I really just want to stop the world and run off for a bit.

What I do know is that I was dead set on not having any more. It’s no longer an issue, but DP spent years trying to persuade me and I never moved on it. I have zero regrets about that.

I agree with the advice not to discuss with family, and I wouldn’t make any irreversible decisions now, but never be talked into anything you’re not sure about.

You don't need to decide anything right now and you never know what might happen.

I'm 20 years older than you and my life has not turned out anything like I had planned for it to in my mid 20s! I wasn't ever having kids when I was your age and I now have two. I know plenty of people who had a big age gap. My DC friend is in the same year of primary school as his uncle. I know people who wanted loads of kids when they were younger and then chose to have none or stop at one.

Responsibility for what?

Fair, but sometimes I think that would be easier than the constant bickering!!!

God luck for the 5 to 10 years the two kids bicker, fight, get upset about how unfair everything is and how they have to share all the time, and don’t actually end up best friends or liking each other very much. Just another view.

I only want one child. Some people have commented that s/he would be lonely, but I’d rather give my full attention to one child than be stressed and financially stretched by having more than one. However, I’m early 30s and plans definitely do change as in my 20s I’d imagined having several kids naturally (but now want to adopt). Even though I don’t want my own child I’ve got a copper coil because I know plans do change and there’s a chance in a few years I might want to take a different path

Don’t decide now but do ask yourself how many teen/adult children you want round your table for Sunday dinner. You said you always wanted a big family. Two children isn’t big. Does one child feel too small?

Also lots of people have two or more children without being stay at home parents.

I will also add that nothing makes me happier than seeing my two girls (4yo and 11mo) interacting with each other. Nothing.

Just see how you go .I had DD at 27 but DH was 36 so a bit older. We both still feel we don't want anymore for numerous reasons (she's 5 now) and life only improves as she gets older. Going back to the start feels extremely daunting and not that fun.i am also not sure my body or mental health would handle it.

Good luck when they're adults and all hate each other and won't sit around the dinner table together (observations of DH's family)

I guess for life really. We have 4 children all young adults and they’re all there for each other.
life can be difficult and I know they’d all say they’re grateful for their siblings.
I can’t imagine them being only children. But as I said that’s just what I feel.

I wish someone had told my twins that 😂 I had a coil. It came out in my second twin’s hand.