To ask if I’m being shortsighted about the number of children we want to have

[youngoneanddone]

DH and I used to talk about wanting a big family when we first got together. We were very young then and having several more years of adulting behind us, we both feel pretty sure we are content sticking with baby DD. There are a number of reasons for this but the main ones being to guarantee we can provide for her financially and support her in the future as well as having enough time for each other and our marriage - we both work busy jobs and I want to minimise the mental load and be present for DD, DH and myself. Multiple kids only looks fun if one parent can significantly drop their working hours or be a SAHM, or earns enough to afford extra household support like cleaners or a nanny. Otherwise I imagine it is stress on stress.

A few relatives have said to me that we are SO young to make this decision, we have plenty of time to have a large age gap, etcetera. All of this is true. I know circumstances can change.

AIBU thinking we’ll stick to this decision? Did anyone else decide this at a young age?

Edited: doh, left out our ages!! That would help! We’re mid 20s.

We were happy with one , I was mid 20s when we had him , awful pregnancy with hyperemesis for the entire time . We changed our minds and had another who was born when he was 6.5 yrs . You don’t need to decide these things now . I think either you or your husband would be completely mad to do anything as final as getting sterilised .

But @youngoneanddone you showed do what works for you and your family. I don’t believe there is any perfect number of children. There are pros and cons whatever you do.

I am genuinely amazed at questions like this - like it is only you and he who decide, no external circumstances, no issues along the road of life, no fate interfering, just you and he. Gosh.

I'm a believer that an only child can be quite lonely.
I have a 6 year gap so it can be a bit like raising 2 only children at times. But when it really comes down to it they will play together when they have nobody else.

I think a 2-3 year gap would have been my ideal - but something went wrong when I put the order in!

Lots of people aim for 3 years so the oldest is getting nursery funding before the LO comes alone.

You could say that about anything. Studying towards a career, getting married, literally anything.

I have one and am very happy with that (she's 10), but it certainly wasn't a decision I made when she was baby. There's no need to make any decision right now. You might decide in 15 yrs time you want another baby and have another at 40. Who knows?. Enjoy the life you're living now and let the future be.

If you are able to have a second then I would.

It's tough being an only child when your parents get old and needy.

Honestly no right or wrong.
We have a big family and love it but friends have none and are equally as happy. Do what you want!

@Letsgocamping67

Good luck for the 5 to 10 years that DC cries and winges they are bored, lonely and have no one to play with. Just another view.

My dd has never done any of those things because they have nobody to play with. I'm one of 5 and I was 'bored' a lot of the time. Apart from asking for a sister at age 4, she's never asked again. Now as a teen she is very happy being an only- tells me this without asking.

Your post is also very insensitive to people who have secondary infertility or have suffered a loss.

I agree. I am an only child and feel very alone in the world with no support from any family member of my generation. It's scary knowing you are on your own to face whatever life throws at you. There's a horrible existential kind of lonliness too. I know that when my parents die, that part of my life will be gone as there will be nobody to share memories of them with. I can't say much more though because I will get ripped to pieces by people who will say I am wrong.

My 2 get along great and I'm very glad they have each other. I would never choose just 1 but each to their own.

No one in your family or on this thread will be raising and paying if you have more children. It is entirely up to you and your partner what is best for your little family.

It’s even tougher when you’re one of 6 and no one can agree or get on regarding the care of your old and needy parents. Personal experience.

@Conniebygaslight

I guess for life really. We have 4 children all young adults and they’re all there for each other.
life can be difficult and I know they’d all say they’re grateful for their siblings.
I can’t imagine them being only children. But as I said that’s just what I fee

Young adults are different to older adults who then marry, have partners that other people don't like, kids, then life with aging parents and illness etc. it might look like it's rosy when your young adults only have themselves to think about but relationships get way more complicated as they get older.

My mum is one of 6, thick as thieves till they all married and had kids. Then drifted. Different political and life views etc. by the time my grandma was in her death bed, barely anybody spoke and the care was left to one child. Arguments about end of life care, funeral arrangements and inheritance. It ruined my father. Thankfully my dc won't have to go through that. My story may be anecdotal but I've heard similar stories in real life and on mn, so it's not unique.

@Pixiedust49 but the op doesn't want 6 children so how is that relevant?

I’m mulling over 1 vs 2 children myself. I don’t want a second child and the sole reason of having one would be for the sibling.

I posted recently about sibling relationships and it does not seem to be a guarantee for a positive relationship so I’m not sure myself… My family experience were large families that argued about the elderly care leading to rifts so that’s the other side of the ‘only child feeling burden of ageing parents’ argument.

If you don't want another child yourself, my advice would be to stick with one child. I was in your situation and did have anther child so DC1 would have a sibling. I wish I hadn't for all sorts of reasons but especially because I was very happy with one child and never really wanted a second. My kids argue so much and are completely different people. Work on helping your DC establish friendships with like minded people instead.

I was 27 when I had my DD and knew straight away I'd never have more. Despite having an good pregnancy and good birth I didn't enjoy the baby stage, the breastfeeding, sleepless nights etc etc.. she's 13 now and I'm a single mum. Our life would be very different if I had had two.
We go out regularly, dinner out, trips to the theatre, paddleboarding, weekend breaks, holidays abroad every year..I enjoy our little life and had I had another she wouldn't have had as many life experiences as I have able to provide her with. I don't regret it for a second.

You say ‘baby brain’ so I assume your baby is very young still. I know you want him to have the snip before you’re 30 (that’s what it sounds like from your posts?). So you have plenty of time to decide. You may despise parenting or absolutely adore it. So much can happen in 5 years, for example. My life is completely different from how it was 5 years ago - different house (doubly as moved and extended massively), a 3rd child who is now 2, a whole new career…

My point is, a lot can happen in a short space of time, life is quick enough so there’s no need to rush it.

I had my first kid at 25 by the way too (last at 32), lovely age for it :)

Also, it’s not hormonal contraception or the snip. I haven’t been on hormonal contraception since I was about 22, DH got the snip when I was 32.

Good sensible decision! World resources are stretched as it is and if you have reasons not to then don’t.

@coffeeandsleep my advice would be have another if you want one, but not for a sibling to your child. There are just are no guarantees it will enhance your current child's life- it may be wonderful but it may turn out to be awful. In the meantime you have to parent two children. That's harder than one, even if they do play with each other sometimes.

Also with the rise in SEN, it's important to consider if that is something you feel you have the skills and resources to deal with. 3 of my friends youngest children have SEN (autism and another global developmental delay). It's not easy.

Statistically speaking, you'll probably change your mind when DC is well out of the baby/ toddler stage.

@Jeregrettetous
I'm an only and when asked if I wanted a sibling - said 'no' without missing a beat. It was a joke question of course not my decision but I was never bored or lonely. So much to do!
DH and his sister never got on. He only speaks to her at family gatherings and, this is a fact, if she died tomorrow it would make zero difference to his life. It sounds harsh but it's true. They don't speak outside of family events and even then only in group conversations.
Both his parents have a similar relationship with their own siblings yet strangely, they all seem to think only children are hard done by.

People should have more kids because THEY want them. Not to give their existing children siblings.

This sounds like great advice to me.

@circular2478
My mother worked in a hospital and always said this.
'One mother can take care of 4 children. But 4 children cannot take care of one mother'.
She saw so many deathbed arguments.
Threads abound on here about inheritance unfairness etc.
Especially in 2024 people move away etc, so often even if someone has many children they're lucky if even one cares for them in their old age.

Again the point isn't to disparage anybody's decisions but. Having children because you think they'll do X, Y or Z isn't a great reason. You should only have them, accepting the worst scenario.