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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I’m being shortsighted about the number of children we want to have

111 replies

youngoneanddone · 19/07/2024 20:16

DH and I used to talk about wanting a big family when we first got together. We were very young then and having several more years of adulting behind us, we both feel pretty sure we are content sticking with baby DD. There are a number of reasons for this but the main ones being to guarantee we can provide for her financially and support her in the future as well as having enough time for each other and our marriage - we both work busy jobs and I want to minimise the mental load and be present for DD, DH and myself. Multiple kids only looks fun if one parent can significantly drop their working hours or be a SAHM, or earns enough to afford extra household support like cleaners or a nanny. Otherwise I imagine it is stress on stress.

A few relatives have said to me that we are SO young to make this decision, we have plenty of time to have a large age gap, etcetera. All of this is true. I know circumstances can change.

AIBU thinking we’ll stick to this decision? Did anyone else decide this at a young age?

Edited: doh, left out our ages!! That would help! We’re mid 20s.

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 20/07/2024 18:53

whyyy321 · 19/07/2024 21:20

I often torture myself with the same question, op. For us, it's about work, our mental health and having experience no village around us for the first year, awareness of how hard it is to have zero time off. We do now have brilliant support as we've moved closer to family, but whilst they are happy to babysit and even do sleep overs with one DC, I'm not sure they would with another- plus grandparents would be older, etc

I struggle with it a lot, I feel a failure for not feeling that I could manage a second. But someone else put it well up thread, I'm not sure why I feel that way- I think it's just a sense of having a second being the "normal" thing to do, or expected of us.

I don't really have time on my side (mid 30s) either! Lots of people mention the whole coping with elderly parents alone thing but I hope that by sticking with one we can financially prepare ourselves for care homes etc to hopefully prevent DC having to be actively involved if they don't want to be. I am sad to think they'd not have a sibling to remember their childhood with, though.

It's a hard one, but whatever you decide will be ok as you'll never know the other path.

Wrt to the elderly parents thing, that is one of the main reasons I'm glad to be an only child myself - all I ever hear from peers and forums etc seems to be

  1. My sibling leaves me to do all the work, it's not fair, I'm resentful
  2. My sibling and I (or even worse, my sibling's spouse and I) can't agree on what is best for our parents and there is a lot of guilt and shame all around
  3. My sibling and I have fallen out over potential inheritance
TheMerryTiger · 20/07/2024 20:31

Conniebygaslight · 19/07/2024 20:45

I wouldn’t just have1 child. I think it’s such a lot of responsibility to put on one person, being siblingless. But that’s me and it’s your life.

How dare you - this is a private and personal issue. We chose to have only one child - and now he is a 21 year old and the most caring lovely person.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 20/07/2024 20:41

I actually think that you're being very responsible OP. Choosing to only have one child, having realised that that is all you can afford, seems to be incredibly rare these days. It seems most people just have as many as they want without a thought as to how they will pay for them if times get hard. When we decided to start a family, we decided that I would work for 12 months, and save every penny I earned, in order to be sure we could cope on DH's salary. We could, so we then started TTC, not only knowing that we could cope financially, but also with a nice nest egg from my saved salary, to pay for all the expenses of having a first child. We did think about having more than one, but having had a bad time when my baby was delivered, it put me off for a few years, and by then, we were happy with what we'd got. So my advice would be, stick with the one you have for now, and if time, desire, and finance all allow, by all means have another child/children at a later stage, but whatever you do, don't have more children just because other people think you should.

BlueInk1234 · 21/07/2024 01:37

youngoneanddone · 19/07/2024 20:16

DH and I used to talk about wanting a big family when we first got together. We were very young then and having several more years of adulting behind us, we both feel pretty sure we are content sticking with baby DD. There are a number of reasons for this but the main ones being to guarantee we can provide for her financially and support her in the future as well as having enough time for each other and our marriage - we both work busy jobs and I want to minimise the mental load and be present for DD, DH and myself. Multiple kids only looks fun if one parent can significantly drop their working hours or be a SAHM, or earns enough to afford extra household support like cleaners or a nanny. Otherwise I imagine it is stress on stress.

A few relatives have said to me that we are SO young to make this decision, we have plenty of time to have a large age gap, etcetera. All of this is true. I know circumstances can change.

AIBU thinking we’ll stick to this decision? Did anyone else decide this at a young age?

Edited: doh, left out our ages!! That would help! We’re mid 20s.

Did you consider whether DD would like to have siblings? I have many good friends but my sister is the only one who has been through the same experiences I have and I’m always grateful for that.

GreenTeaLikesMe · 21/07/2024 01:41

You have plenty of time to decide, so just wait and see how you feel!

I decided to have a second in part because I worried that having an only child was a bit too “eggs in one basket” —like, having overly high parental expectations invested in one person. Having a second made me feel a bit more relaxed about parenthood. I also worried about an only child feeling burdened by elderly parents as we got older.

Firefly1987 · 21/07/2024 01:55

Sleepersausage · 19/07/2024 21:57

Good luck when they're adults and all hate each other and won't sit around the dinner table together (observations of DH's family)

Show quote history

Yup we had to have separate birthday meals for my parents and alternate Christmases as my siblings can't be in the same room as each other. It ruined a lot of special occasions for my parents.

I don't know why there is such a stigma against onlies on here. My mum is an only child and she never felt she missed out. She did say she wished she had someone to help carry the burden of caring for elderly parents with but at the same time "couldn't ever imagine having to share my parents!" there are good and bad points about both. Two of my best friends at school were onlies, most well-adjusted people I know with loads of friends.

Atina321 · 21/07/2024 05:42

Why is how many children you have any one else’s business?

IamMoodyBlue · 21/07/2024 07:41

Perfectly reasonable. Shows maturity and wisdom that you are thinking carefully about your family and future. Life is not One size fits all.
Perhaps you'll think differently in a few years, perhaps you won't. What you are doing is not allowing the expectations of others to influence your decision, which is a sound way to live your life. It is absolutely your choice!

bookworm14 · 21/07/2024 07:53

People on Mumsnet are so weird about only children! It’s really very odd.

Ain't that the truth.

OP, I wouldn’t decide now. You may change your mind or you may not, and either is fine.

Conniebygaslight · 21/07/2024 11:45

TheMerryTiger · 20/07/2024 20:31

How dare you - this is a private and personal issue. We chose to have only one child - and now he is a 21 year old and the most caring lovely person.

Show quote history

How dare I what?
Offer an opinion on a forum and say that others might be different?!
🤣🤣🤣

JHound · 26/07/2024 15:01

youngoneanddone · 19/07/2024 20:16

DH and I used to talk about wanting a big family when we first got together. We were very young then and having several more years of adulting behind us, we both feel pretty sure we are content sticking with baby DD. There are a number of reasons for this but the main ones being to guarantee we can provide for her financially and support her in the future as well as having enough time for each other and our marriage - we both work busy jobs and I want to minimise the mental load and be present for DD, DH and myself. Multiple kids only looks fun if one parent can significantly drop their working hours or be a SAHM, or earns enough to afford extra household support like cleaners or a nanny. Otherwise I imagine it is stress on stress.

A few relatives have said to me that we are SO young to make this decision, we have plenty of time to have a large age gap, etcetera. All of this is true. I know circumstances can change.

AIBU thinking we’ll stick to this decision? Did anyone else decide this at a young age?

Edited: doh, left out our ages!! That would help! We’re mid 20s.

Why are your relatives even commenting? It’s a private decision for you and your partner.

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