Relocated for parents and they are MIA.

[Hereformysanity]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm new to this so I'm very sorry in advance if I haven't got the lingo right! Hopefully it makes sense.

So long story short. 5 years ago my DH and I relocated to be closer to my parents after having our DD after they guilty tripped us about being too far away for them to spend time with her and get to know her. We were 2 hours away. We were looking to move anyway but had quite an open net just needed to be near to wither London or Manchester for work (we both work in corporate jobs which my mum in particular is very dismissive of as not a real job as you are just sat all day) but we were persuaded by my parents and in hindsight their passive aggressive attitude about us wanting to live elsewhere they were vocal and I quote 'it would be very selfish of us and stupid to give up grandparent help) but admittedly we liked the idea of grandparent help occasionally and didn't have in laws as they are overseas so any help was great.

So with that we moved closer to parents and brother and sister. 20 minutes away. My brother doesn't have kids but my sister has kids same age as mine and they live ten minutes closer to my parents.

Fast forward five years we now have DD and DS. I struggled with getting used to two DH was away a lot with work and I felt very alone and overwhelmed both kids at home. We have had very little help during the five years we have been here from my parents as they are 'too busy'. My parents both work part time to pay for a house that is big and empty and falling to pieces because they are too proud to downsize. I'm sure somewhere on here there will be a thread from my siblings about this matter as it's a real pain to see them moaning and moaning about still working to pay off their mortgage and do up their home when downsizing would be a very easy solution and would leave them much happier. We have concluded they like the stress and having something to moan about.

Anyway due to my parents working they have never once in 5 years offered childcare not a zip. When we moved I enrolled my DD in nursery 4 full days a week as parents never even offered as much as a morning once a week even bought I asked but took great pleasure in telling me how awful it is that I'm putting my child in nursery for someone else to raise.

I love my.job but more than that I have bills to pay but my DM in particular thinks it's selfish of me to work when I have children. (She only started working when my sister was 10 and had been a SAHM to that point with lots of grandparent help) My DD is now in school and has 3 days of after school clubs and DS in nursery 4 days as I have no other options and all I ever hear is tutting and "oh bless them, poor kids, I can't believe you just put them in and leave them all day like that". It's so hard not to lose my mind.

I would love my parents to do a pick up and take them home for tea or have my DS for just a morning to 'get to know him' but they have no interest in offering despite me saying how much I would love that. To add insult to injury they do this for my sister!

It's fine I'm managing it's just I have a lot of resentment that for the sake of keeping the status quo and everyone being pleasant I'm bottling it and it's causing me to harbour resentment which is not healthy and it's bloody hard seeing all these fab grandparents at the school gates or hearing friends talk about how lovely it is there parents have their children a few days a week or some even taking them on holidays!!!!!

The 6 weeks are here and I've had to arrange private childcare all the way apart from 10.days where between DH and myself we've managed to get some A/L to cover but we both work in teams of parents so everyone wants time off and simply you don't always get it. Despite me explaining this to my parents and saying how much it would be really helpful to get help to only have them say oh sorry we are working or are just we are busy but then go on to criticise what I have had to do!!!!! Raaaa
I feel like it comes from a place of bitterness that I lived away for ten years and then came back need help but they withhold as a bit of a ha you can't just come here and now have our help (despite that being exactly what they had said when we were looking at moving).

I just feel completely bashed. I work hard as we all do to give our kids the best start and pay for life which isn't cheap and to have been what felt like guilt tripping and huge promises about getting to know grandkids to get us here but now we are here I can count on one hand, in five years, how often my parents, who are ten miles away, have had the kids without me or husband present. On two hands I can count this and the times they have babysat for us for anniversary's but only once the kids are fast asleep will they come and sit in the house for us so they don't even see the kids. My kids are really easy going too thank god so it's not like they can't cope, my parents are young and active. Am I wrong to expect a bit more and to be sad that there's clearly favouritism towards my sister or just total disregard and possibly a little pleasure in seeing me try and have it all?

Whilst where we live is nice it's not where we would be for any other reason than family, I just feel like my parents made empty promises and they love to paint this image that they are really hands on with all grandkids and it's simply not true and they would not react at all well if I said any of this to them so I haven't forgotten the same of keeping the peace.

Sorry for the whingefest!

I moved home for similar reasons. And for similar reasons I moved away within 2yrs. Sounds like it's not working out for you? Don't worry about making a new decision if you need to - you will still love and see your family. Plus it's much easier to move when the kids are so little.
take care xx

Quite good suggestions here !

But grandparents called them selfish and stupid for not being near them so they could help?

I quote 'it would be very selfish of us and stupid to give up grandparent help)

I literally could have written this myself!!! 3 years ago I was emotionally manipulated to move closer to home for the same reasons, and the same has happened to me. My sister gets full priority. We are just about to complete on a house 200 miles away - I can’t wait! So my advice would be to move away - you don’t need them as you’ve struggled on without them - remove them from the picture!

I voted that you're not being unreasonable but since you won't speak up about this inconsistency maybe you are. They are dismissive about your careers also. Don't let them get away with this.

Tell them you are moving somewhere cheaper, like you planned to 5 years ago.

You can explain you moved here because the help they promised you would have off-set the additional cost of living in this area but as they are too busy to offer you the same help they do your sister, the time has come.

They might, at the very drastic point, realise they are about to miss out on their grandkids.

Or you might get confirmation of the sort of people they really are, and actually move somewhere you are happy. You choose friends, not family.

See it as a lesson of how not to be when your kids grow up.

We have 2 extremes 1 set of grandparents who like to post on Facebook like they are absolutely doting, but actually just like yours.

The other set, mine, smother us and constantly fall out with us because they won't leave us alone and I'm always the bad guy saying no.

Personally the first is better. Lead your own life and don't care about pleasing or depending on others! But that's just me personally!

Yr kids u can’t expect others to look after them, u could always use a childminder rather than a nursery.

I would just let the criticisms of putting your kids in childcare go over your head, what alternative do you have realistically? If a chance comes up to move, you or DH get a better job offer or you just see somewhere you fancy, at least you don’t have to feel the slightest bit bad about moving. I’d say do what’s best for you, DH and kids and not worry too much about parents, since they don’t seem to be worrying too much about you. Definitely don’t hang around waiting to see if they change, people don’t generally.

BTW maybe your parents actually like their jobs and wouldn’t like to stop working, even if they complain about it. My in laws had a business for years and wouldn’t stop working until well after retirement age, despite constantly complaining, saying they were far too old for it, wish they could stop working and help out with grandkids more. The truth was there was absolutely nothing
stopping them, we could only conclude they actually didn’t want to! And it was true, when they did finally retire, they were a bit lost and didn’t know what to do with themselves for a long time. If people really want to do something and physically/financially can, they usually will.

I can see your point of view
have been in a similar position with both my husbands side and my side of the family favouring our siblings and their children, providing 24/7 7 days a week help with their kids but very little help with ours . Me and my husband just kept pointing out the favouritism until they at least changed their ways Abit. The main people that suffer are the kids. The other grand kids are supported in absolutely everything, hobbies, day to day, support with like tricky behaviour everything, and the only ones that suffer are mine who get no help and have to make do with sloppy seconds or the last scraps left. And our marriage suffers. It’s easy to get into the comparison mode and drive yourself mad. With my side my parents have health problems and aren’t able to help as much so unfortunately not eveyrone has active fit Parents to help with their kids. But it doesn’t seem to stop them helping my siblings kids! I haven’t had an evening out with husband for 7 years whereas siblings often go away without kids or go to theatre concerts etc and leave with our parents. It can add to resentment but again you can drive yourself mad with the comparison. The main thing your post has highlighted to me is that we’re not alone, the parents and families that don’t have much support. Ir does make it harder but the season will pass :)

Sorry you are having to deal with this from your parents. Anyone on here saying it was your choice and nobody made you move is obviously lucky enough not to have controlling passive aggressive parents. They’ve probably been gaslighting you your whole life so it’s taken you a long time to realise it’s actually them that are toxic and not you that’s in the wrong. They sound a lot like my mum to be honest, and her behaviour resulted in my sister moving to another continent and then deciding to stay there after she had kids in order to protect them from my mum’s emotional blackmail, and it’s one of the reasons I decided not to have children of my own and then chose to keep my beloved stepson away from my mum as much as possible.

Sorry to be so long winded but the point is, your parents aren’t going to change so to be honest I think it’s better they don’t have regular contact with your DC as they’ll only mess with their heads with their passive aggressive bullshit. And how dare they criticise your parenting!

Did you even read the OP? They guilt tripped their daughter into moving nearer to them so they could build a closer relationship with their grandchildren and then find themselves too busy to help out in any way as they are providing childcare for the OP’s nephews/nieces. And then they add insult to injury by berating the OP for ‘leaving her poor babies’ so that she can work! I think the OP has every right to feel aggrieved. Obviously her parents have every right to live their lives in any way that suits them, but if they wanted to do that why did they pressure the OP into moving closer to them?They sound like selfish arseholes!

They have got the right to be selfish arseholes.
As I admitted yesterday, no I didn't read properly.
Off with my head 😁

Well, ptobably best not to comment until you have then, as your response makes no sense!

I think they did, which is why OP is frustrated.

Honestly this.... they have made a choice to work to maintain their house.

They are working they aren't available

You live 20 mins away. Thats 40 min minimum for a pick up

They didn't promise you childcare....

You sound really resentful anx entitled of a situation you have made up in your head.

I don't understand why you've remained there for 5 years. Move?

I could have written your post. We moved near DP after years of 'we never get to see DC, I would have them 1 day a week, we feel like we are missing out'. We actually see them less than when we lived 3 hours away.
It's not the childcare that's the issue for me, I've negotiated my working life to work around DH so there is always someone. It's the fact that they genuinely don't seem to want to or be able to build a relationship with DC. I'd like then just to pop in when I'm home and get to know the children. They are lovely easygoing little children who are happy to go a long with whatever you are doing and they barely know them and they live 10 minutes away. I am just constantly disappointed at how they have turned out as grandparents.

We have given them a fair chance of 3 years and there has been no change or effort so we are moving back.

I would move again, away from them!

OP sorry this sounds very wearing.

You can’t change them; comparing to other DGP will continue to feed the resentment.

My suggestion is to switch focus away from them and review if you could start to make plans to move further away (such as the 2 hours) to put a healthy distance between you.

Look further ahead eg secondary schools and what might work for you and your DC moving forwards.

And often it isn't good advice. If they have no or small mortgage it is an asset that will potentially grow more than their pension or savings schemes leaving more to release in the future at a time when they need to release cash to live on.

@Hereformysanity

I could have written this myself! It's hugely frustrating & upsetting.

Our son is now 17yrs old & has NEVER stayed overnight with my parents (who live 5 mins away!) or been for a day trip or even to the park with them. They've never done a school drop off/pick up or watched a school performance or sports day, etc.

My husband worked long hours, often away, when he was little & I had none of the promised support whatsoever. I can still recall times I was ill & had to use the TV to babysit my toddler while I struggled.

It used to make me so cross because my mum had LOTS of everyday help from her own mum when I was a child & I spent weeks of the school holidays staying there!!

This!! They sound dreadful and the type that will always find fault.

You may as well live where you really want to be and ignore their nonsense. I don’t see the point of you being near them. I would have to tackle them on never actually offering support when they basically told you to move nearby for the help. That would make me furious!