Relocated for parents and they are MIA.

[Hereformysanity]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm new to this so I'm very sorry in advance if I haven't got the lingo right! Hopefully it makes sense.

So long story short. 5 years ago my DH and I relocated to be closer to my parents after having our DD after they guilty tripped us about being too far away for them to spend time with her and get to know her. We were 2 hours away. We were looking to move anyway but had quite an open net just needed to be near to wither London or Manchester for work (we both work in corporate jobs which my mum in particular is very dismissive of as not a real job as you are just sat all day) but we were persuaded by my parents and in hindsight their passive aggressive attitude about us wanting to live elsewhere they were vocal and I quote 'it would be very selfish of us and stupid to give up grandparent help) but admittedly we liked the idea of grandparent help occasionally and didn't have in laws as they are overseas so any help was great.

So with that we moved closer to parents and brother and sister. 20 minutes away. My brother doesn't have kids but my sister has kids same age as mine and they live ten minutes closer to my parents.

Fast forward five years we now have DD and DS. I struggled with getting used to two DH was away a lot with work and I felt very alone and overwhelmed both kids at home. We have had very little help during the five years we have been here from my parents as they are 'too busy'. My parents both work part time to pay for a house that is big and empty and falling to pieces because they are too proud to downsize. I'm sure somewhere on here there will be a thread from my siblings about this matter as it's a real pain to see them moaning and moaning about still working to pay off their mortgage and do up their home when downsizing would be a very easy solution and would leave them much happier. We have concluded they like the stress and having something to moan about.

Anyway due to my parents working they have never once in 5 years offered childcare not a zip. When we moved I enrolled my DD in nursery 4 full days a week as parents never even offered as much as a morning once a week even bought I asked but took great pleasure in telling me how awful it is that I'm putting my child in nursery for someone else to raise.

I love my.job but more than that I have bills to pay but my DM in particular thinks it's selfish of me to work when I have children. (She only started working when my sister was 10 and had been a SAHM to that point with lots of grandparent help) My DD is now in school and has 3 days of after school clubs and DS in nursery 4 days as I have no other options and all I ever hear is tutting and "oh bless them, poor kids, I can't believe you just put them in and leave them all day like that". It's so hard not to lose my mind.

I would love my parents to do a pick up and take them home for tea or have my DS for just a morning to 'get to know him' but they have no interest in offering despite me saying how much I would love that. To add insult to injury they do this for my sister!

It's fine I'm managing it's just I have a lot of resentment that for the sake of keeping the status quo and everyone being pleasant I'm bottling it and it's causing me to harbour resentment which is not healthy and it's bloody hard seeing all these fab grandparents at the school gates or hearing friends talk about how lovely it is there parents have their children a few days a week or some even taking them on holidays!!!!!

The 6 weeks are here and I've had to arrange private childcare all the way apart from 10.days where between DH and myself we've managed to get some A/L to cover but we both work in teams of parents so everyone wants time off and simply you don't always get it. Despite me explaining this to my parents and saying how much it would be really helpful to get help to only have them say oh sorry we are working or are just we are busy but then go on to criticise what I have had to do!!!!! Raaaa
I feel like it comes from a place of bitterness that I lived away for ten years and then came back need help but they withhold as a bit of a ha you can't just come here and now have our help (despite that being exactly what they had said when we were looking at moving).

I just feel completely bashed. I work hard as we all do to give our kids the best start and pay for life which isn't cheap and to have been what felt like guilt tripping and huge promises about getting to know grandkids to get us here but now we are here I can count on one hand, in five years, how often my parents, who are ten miles away, have had the kids without me or husband present. On two hands I can count this and the times they have babysat for us for anniversary's but only once the kids are fast asleep will they come and sit in the house for us so they don't even see the kids. My kids are really easy going too thank god so it's not like they can't cope, my parents are young and active. Am I wrong to expect a bit more and to be sad that there's clearly favouritism towards my sister or just total disregard and possibly a little pleasure in seeing me try and have it all?

Whilst where we live is nice it's not where we would be for any other reason than family, I just feel like my parents made empty promises and they love to paint this image that they are really hands on with all grandkids and it's simply not true and they would not react at all well if I said any of this to them so I haven't forgotten the same of keeping the peace.

Sorry for the whingefest!

Just remember this when they get older and want help.

tbh your mum sounds like a deluded boomer who thinks they had it hard because of interest rates, irrespective of free uni, a working nhs and a one salary household. So I wouldn’t expect any realism or help from her.

Yes but they could have babysat on the occasional weekend though? Plus they made a big fuss about OP moving closer so they could help out more

Missing in Action

Honestly, your parents sound like arseholes (mine were too!)
I think I have mentioned this on here before but I once had to literally throw my tiny child at my mother whilst I ran upstairs to vomit (started with a bad stomach bug at her house), she then passed him back to me the second I came back downstairs, I wasn't longer than a couple of minutes and she didn't even put her cigarette out to hold him😕 my child, my problem apparently.
Your situation is worse because they actively help your sister and they lured you to the area with false promises. If you can afford it then move and don't tell them the new address, you will get nothing but bitterness and disappointment if you stay around them......

Do you think they don’t offer help as your DM hopes that in turn you will give up work as she disagrees with you working? Is she jealous of your career, your home/lifestyle or does she really just think it’s in the children’s best interest to be with their Mum?

I think you should have a frank conversation about it. Harbouring resentment will just eat you up. Ask if they can have them more often, be specific, explain you moved for them to build a relationship with their DGC and how sad it makes you feel that they hardly know them, and get clarity on why they are willing to do more for your sister.

It's their life.
I'm glad I never had children (by choice).
Btw, when do you think THEIR OWN life should actually start? Do you feel they aren't entitled
to a big house and some peace from other people's faces?
Just for info, I'm 44.

People have different priorities. You and your DC aren't your parents priority. Is there somewhere else you could move which would give you any other benefits? Cheaper housing? Or your DH at home more?

@Hereformysanity OP you are getting a lot of grief on here. For what it's worth, your parents sound like absolute nightmares. It is classic boomer behaviour to want the upsides of being a grandparent but not to lift a finger in helping. So unfair that they lured you to somewhere you wouldn't otherwise live under false pretences. Move to London or Manchester. You're already paying for childcare, pay a bit more and live somewhere you actually like. Seeing as your sister is the one getting all the childcare help, she can be the one to deal with your parents when they are older and need help. Just move!

Does your sister ever help out ? my sisters and I always babysat for each other took the kids out for the day etc so our children are actually close to each other and have a lovely relationship with the aunties

Does your sister notice the disparity or do you just pretend to her that you don't need what she gets?

I agree with those who say move. Absolutely do this before they get old and in need of support themselves. Leave it to those who have benefited from your parents help

If you can, challenge your mum next time she criticises your lifestyle. She sounds bloody awful and really needs to be told that she's being an arsehole.

It sounds really shit, OP. If I was you I'd move away to somewhere where you actually want to life and tell your parents exactly why.

Seems you thought that they'd offer to help out when I very much imagine that they never intended to offer chilcare, just wanted you to sell up and move closer to them.

Not that it should stop anyone from having DC but I've always made it known that if you're wanting/needing family members help with CC the time to discuss it is pre conception not the week before maternity leave ends....don't just expect that family will be willing/able to do so. That way you know from the off.

Clearly it wasn't talked about pre move. If your parents had of wanted to help surely they'd have offered to downsize to a more suitable property nearer you that way you'd have known your parents were doing so for that very reason.

Your parents want to see their grandchildren on their terms ie. to enjoy. Not as work/childcare. They still work too. They wanted you to move closer so you could bring them over for lunch or tea once every few weekends.

The moaning is unacceptable, but really I don't see anything wrong with their choices.

Can you move to somewhere you’d be happier?

Move far away before they get old and expect you to care for them in their falling apart house, which you will also have to maintain as they will refuse to move. Move far, move now. If you don't believe me, visit the Elderly Parents board.

They didn't want to have to travel to see you . This is why they suggested you move closer

Thanks for all the responses. Good to get a balance and I take all the views even the very blunt ones and appreciate the constructive and more positive not so cutting about me and my perceived attitude 🤣

I'm not an entitled person who thinks my parents SHOULD be providing childcare but when they made such a song and dance about getting to spend time with the kids and the promise of helping out a few days a week and to boot have been so vocal about the childcare I have had to go with, just taking these two things into account it would just be really nice for them to want to do a school pick up occasionally or spend a couple of hours on a weekday afternoon when they aren't working (my DM works 15 hours a week) and my DD does Uber. I mean grandparent help not full time childcare. Albeit they have babysat a handful of times in the last 5 years, only ever once the kids were asleep and I'm very grateful for that, I know some of you don't get even that level of help but yeah I kinda feel like they can help my sister with a day a week and swimming lessons and things it would be nice if they would help here but it is what it is and it's not worth a family row!

We are happy where we are regardless, thanks to all of you who read the post and the reason behind our move to be closer to parents but actually on the whole with or without them we do like it here and kids have settled and we have made friends. The pros outweigh the idea of another move.

Re: My parents house. For context it's a massive undertaking in terms of renovation they are mid 60s so not the 50s age bracket I'm sure some of you were imagining I meant when I said young but comparatively young to my friends parents. The house has been a building site for 20 years, my DD is desperate to sell it and it's caused huge feuds between my parents my DM I love her but she's stubborn narrow minded and has let's say champagne tastes on a lemonade budget and it's slowly killing my DD and her. It's very hard to watch They are trapped in an ivory castle but for pride won't downsize, we just want them to enjoy themselves be able to afford a holiday, they won't accept any help even the offer of some DIY it's all a very silly way to be. They don't have the money to pay off the mortgage and do it up to a good enough standard to sell it for anything close to what they think (and won't be told otherwise even by estate agents) it's worth. The bottom line is they can barely afford to keep the mortgage payments, let alone fix it up, It makes both of them very unhappy it's not a case of pay off mortgage and it's going up in value and then they will sell it and happy days it's a little more complex than that.

Thanks all, enjoy the sun!

I agree with this.

They criticise your parenting, don't respect that you work.or the type of work they do, and generally seem to like rubbing your nose in what they think of as the mess you've made of your day-to-day arrangements. And they are rude and miserable

I'd be vocally sticking up for my choices and shutting down the criticism.and the moaning. As for childcare, they only seem to be interested in that as a form of power over you. Something they can deny or grudgingly give. Stop asking them.

And be careful how they treat, and talk to, your kids as they grow up.

Your parents sound a bit selfish tbh and controlling and not very warm or caring

It's not the best relationship

I'd just start concentrating on what you and DH want and stop listening to anyone else

Move and live and do what you really want

No kids, so why are you on Mumsnet then?
The OP’s mother wanted them to move closer and was complaining about not seeing her grandkids. She’s entitled to have a big house and mortgage but she complains about it. Not sure you’ve read the post😊

You need to rethink where you are living.
Does it really 100% work for you? If not don't hesitate to move.
Your parents work part time and have their own lives.
They aren't interested in helping you so it is silly to stick around if it doesn't suit you too.
If it does suit you to live there, then make the most of it.
Years fly and soon you will be through the tough phase.
Many people have zero help and have to get on with it.
It's hard but it is not unusual.
Be glad you are blessed with easy enough children.

I can understand why you are upset OP. And seeing other GPs at school gates etc only reinforces what you are missing. Very unkind of your mum to criticise putting your kids in nursery, that is what most people have too do. I remember a friend of mine telling me that she would never leave her child with a childminder ( I did); completely oblivious to needing to !
I am unsure why the rules are different for your sister, reinforces your hurt and resentment.
My own experience and that of friends/family epitomises the diversity of GP involvement so your situation is by no means unusual.
As you reasonably said, an afternoon for tea etc would be a great support and opportunity for your parents to be more involved.
Somehow, I don't think things will change. As hard as it is, concentrate on your wellbeing and that of your immediate family.
Otherwise it will destroy you. Please take care

If you are not happy where you live now I'd consider moving now. And I'd not prioritize your parents next time. If you are happy, stay and accept your parents just aren't willing to invest much time in your family, which sounds harsh but that seems to be what you are saying. Their choice and their loss.

You sound like a great daughter and very considerate.

OP you're allowed to be upset that your DM is Not the warm kindhearted person you would like in your life

There are threads on MN especially for this difficult relationship with our DMs

Maybe someone can link it for you

Just accept I think that there's nothing you can do about it

It's ok to be sad about it

Agree. This is Mn though (lol) - posters hate anyone who hopes for a bit of family help and then wang on about the lack of ‘village’ these days and how nobody cares etc