Relocated for parents and they are MIA.

[Hereformysanity]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm new to this so I'm very sorry in advance if I haven't got the lingo right! Hopefully it makes sense.

So long story short. 5 years ago my DH and I relocated to be closer to my parents after having our DD after they guilty tripped us about being too far away for them to spend time with her and get to know her. We were 2 hours away. We were looking to move anyway but had quite an open net just needed to be near to wither London or Manchester for work (we both work in corporate jobs which my mum in particular is very dismissive of as not a real job as you are just sat all day) but we were persuaded by my parents and in hindsight their passive aggressive attitude about us wanting to live elsewhere they were vocal and I quote 'it would be very selfish of us and stupid to give up grandparent help) but admittedly we liked the idea of grandparent help occasionally and didn't have in laws as they are overseas so any help was great.

So with that we moved closer to parents and brother and sister. 20 minutes away. My brother doesn't have kids but my sister has kids same age as mine and they live ten minutes closer to my parents.

Fast forward five years we now have DD and DS. I struggled with getting used to two DH was away a lot with work and I felt very alone and overwhelmed both kids at home. We have had very little help during the five years we have been here from my parents as they are 'too busy'. My parents both work part time to pay for a house that is big and empty and falling to pieces because they are too proud to downsize. I'm sure somewhere on here there will be a thread from my siblings about this matter as it's a real pain to see them moaning and moaning about still working to pay off their mortgage and do up their home when downsizing would be a very easy solution and would leave them much happier. We have concluded they like the stress and having something to moan about.

Anyway due to my parents working they have never once in 5 years offered childcare not a zip. When we moved I enrolled my DD in nursery 4 full days a week as parents never even offered as much as a morning once a week even bought I asked but took great pleasure in telling me how awful it is that I'm putting my child in nursery for someone else to raise.

I love my.job but more than that I have bills to pay but my DM in particular thinks it's selfish of me to work when I have children. (She only started working when my sister was 10 and had been a SAHM to that point with lots of grandparent help) My DD is now in school and has 3 days of after school clubs and DS in nursery 4 days as I have no other options and all I ever hear is tutting and "oh bless them, poor kids, I can't believe you just put them in and leave them all day like that". It's so hard not to lose my mind.

I would love my parents to do a pick up and take them home for tea or have my DS for just a morning to 'get to know him' but they have no interest in offering despite me saying how much I would love that. To add insult to injury they do this for my sister!

It's fine I'm managing it's just I have a lot of resentment that for the sake of keeping the status quo and everyone being pleasant I'm bottling it and it's causing me to harbour resentment which is not healthy and it's bloody hard seeing all these fab grandparents at the school gates or hearing friends talk about how lovely it is there parents have their children a few days a week or some even taking them on holidays!!!!!

The 6 weeks are here and I've had to arrange private childcare all the way apart from 10.days where between DH and myself we've managed to get some A/L to cover but we both work in teams of parents so everyone wants time off and simply you don't always get it. Despite me explaining this to my parents and saying how much it would be really helpful to get help to only have them say oh sorry we are working or are just we are busy but then go on to criticise what I have had to do!!!!! Raaaa
I feel like it comes from a place of bitterness that I lived away for ten years and then came back need help but they withhold as a bit of a ha you can't just come here and now have our help (despite that being exactly what they had said when we were looking at moving).

I just feel completely bashed. I work hard as we all do to give our kids the best start and pay for life which isn't cheap and to have been what felt like guilt tripping and huge promises about getting to know grandkids to get us here but now we are here I can count on one hand, in five years, how often my parents, who are ten miles away, have had the kids without me or husband present. On two hands I can count this and the times they have babysat for us for anniversary's but only once the kids are fast asleep will they come and sit in the house for us so they don't even see the kids. My kids are really easy going too thank god so it's not like they can't cope, my parents are young and active. Am I wrong to expect a bit more and to be sad that there's clearly favouritism towards my sister or just total disregard and possibly a little pleasure in seeing me try and have it all?

Whilst where we live is nice it's not where we would be for any other reason than family, I just feel like my parents made empty promises and they love to paint this image that they are really hands on with all grandkids and it's simply not true and they would not react at all well if I said any of this to them so I haven't forgotten the same of keeping the peace.

Sorry for the whingefest!

More fool you for uprooting your family based on nothing concrete. If they have never made the effort before, what made you think they would do it after?

And if they are working, then what did you think would happen??

I never understand how people make foolish decisions like these without any actual plan/ agreement. Did you even sit down and ask about childcare, helping out or being involved?

You just went on a 'guilt trip' which are just empty words. And then to make your dh go along with this too.

Also some people like your DM just love to criticise anything and everything and anyone

Believe me there is nothing you will ever do that's right

Some people just communicate this way

Probably because they have nothing interesting to say so just moan about everything

It's sad really

She never said it was. However, her parents made the noises that they would when they persuaded her to move nearer.

Stop being quiet for the sake of the status quo.

You say yourself they love a whinge - you living away was just another opportunity.
They've exchanged you live to far away for 'you work and I think you shouldnt'

They are just negative people who don't want to see their GC, they just wanted to complain.

Call them out. tell them how they made.you feel & how hurt you are that they don't give a shit about 'getting to know' your DC, yet have time.for your sister.

Sometimes you need a big row. This is one of those times & if they avoid contact it makes.not one jot of difference except you won't be as upset because the boundaries will be clear.

Like PP I don't understand why you moved to be near them in the first place

I'd have moved in the opposite direction myself

My children's grandparents on both sides are great at empty promises too. They talk about wanting to take the children but when they do they don't even feed them properly, make/help them use the loo, or put them to bed on time. It does sting when I see "Granny Daycare" everywhere I go and I'll expect to see that more now it's the summer holidays. Disappointing, isn't it, but at least if you pay, you receive a certain standard. Nursery has never let me and my children down the way my parents and ILs have.

Ok OP I am going to be super cynical. Is the reason they want you close at hand so that as they get older you can look after them? Certainly seen this happen before. If you are not happy and not really feeling supported I think I would move- you have very little to gain from staying. Only be prepared for the guilt trip when you do.

Totally get how hard it is but I think it’s possible to see both sides here to be honest.

Maybe when your parents were asking you to move closer, they thought that they would be able to offer a lot more more childcare than it turned out.

Quite often it’s very difficult for grandparents to offer regular childcare once there is more than one grandchild to look after, it becomes a lot less fun and much more exhausting. Maybe they never intended to do regular childcare, but just liked the idea of being able to pop round to see you when they wanted to. It’s difficult to tell without speaking to them. Why do you think they were originally so keen to have you move closer?

I think that all you can do going forward is to try and make your life easier but without the assistance of your parents – whatever their motivation was originally it seems to be clear that they’re just not going to have the time, or don’t want to help on the basis that you need at this point. The fact that they’re working to stay in a house which it seems that you Muller disapprove of really isn’t relevant, again that’s their choice and if they would rather live in that house and work to stay living in that house then they have a right to do so.

But if it would make life easier for you to move to a different place, maybe with cheaper housing costs or cheap childcare costs or closer to friends then I think you should do that. They have the right to decide whether they want to do childcare, and where they want to live but equally you have the right to decide where you want to live and to move once the balance of convenience changes. I agree though I would definitely shut down the comments about children being in childcare very firmly.

Sell up amd move far away. Your mother is trying to guilt trip you and make love as difficult as possible to try and get you to stop working. She’s jealous as you are probably a lot more successful than she will ever be.

Won’t be long before they’re guilt tripping you into helping her as they get older. This is why they want you to give up work so you can be available to look after them. No doubt they won’t ask your brother or sister because they’ll be far too busy. Probably punishing you for moving away in the first place. Run.

Next time she criticises you for working / putting the kids in childcare, just be clear and direct back “ Actually we moved to be near you because you said we were selfish to keep the kids away from you and to turn down free childcare. And not once have you offered any childcare. So I do not want to hear your views about childcare, or your opinion of my working life. It’s my business”.

And if possible I would move again before they start needing help themselves.

Move.

You don't have to live near them.

They don't have to provide childcare. I can understand you being bit resentful that they do it for your sister and not you. Although, I think babysitting a few times a year is perfectly normal and I'd be grateful for that.

Your parents sound, frankly, awful. They clearly disagree with mothers working and using childcare, so I suspect their unwillingness to help is a (possibly subconscious) desire to to punish you for that choice. I expect when they asked you to move closer they were hoping you would be a stay at home mum, and genuinely planned to 'help' on their terms - doing grandparenty days out/sleepovers/trips to grannies house etc, plus see more of you all as a family. But because they don't agree with you working outside of the home, they won't even help on those terms, as that would inadvertently facilitate your working and encourage the status quo. They want childrearing to be as difficult as possible for you, so you see the error of your ways.

Out of interest, does your sister work full-time in a 'corporate' job?

They want you to be close to care for them in old age. They don't give a fuck about your children and your mum is downright nasty. If I were your DH, I'd resent you for keeping me close to them. Move closer to your DH's work.

Just be blunt with her while you can still be reasonably polite - bottling it up likely means you’ll explode at some point and you won’t be able to come back from it.

When she mentions childcare tell her “yeah, family care is probably best, like we had growing up, but in-laws are abroad, and you, sister, and I all need to work. We make an effort to spend quality time with them around our work, and you’re always welcome to see more of them at weekends but you never seem keen.”

Do they spend time with you (and/or with you and your sister’s family together) when they can? Not as childcare but as getting to know you, spending family time together, etc? Or are they actually just not fussed about your kids now they’re real rather than “grandchildren”
who are theoretically wonderful and conveniently too far away to spend much time with?

It sounds like you're doing your absolute best to keep parents happy and it just sometimes seems whatever we do is not enough. I think they got you there on false pretences but if you're happy in the area great. I'd be tempted to call them out on it or at least have a chat with your sister to see how she views things.

It’s not up to your parents to provide childcare.

Move house 200 miles or more away from them

Book a nice holiday for Christmas/Chanukah so you're not available to them over the holidays.

Let them stew on that.

I was going to say exactly this!

This!

Don't bottle it up. State the facts clearly and without getting upset - they'd love a dramatic reaction.

Move away if it suits you better. Let them know why.

Oh please!............I'm of the "boomer" demographic, but in no way deluded, thanks very much.
We had advantages and disadvantages of being born when we were, just as "millennials", (and/or older), do now. I personally think that, certainly in terms of housing and higher education, my young adult kids have it harder than I did.
So, sorry, but I, and all my friends/relatives/aquaintances, etc. of similar age, feel the same and therefore do not suit your narrative.
I would never behave as OP's DM has.
Lumping us all into one homogeneous bunch is lazy, cliched, insulting, disingenuous and divisive, and you do not speak for me.

@Cotonsugar It’s going to come as a shock to you but there’s lots of non-parents here. Even more, there’s a whole sub-forum for those who are childfree.

OP, I’m sorry your parents have been so shit. I’ve read a number of posts over the years about parents who’ve begged their children to move or stay close so that they can have access to grandchildren and then make zero effort. Even worse when it’s so obvious that they are treating your sibling differently. Sadly some mothers just do not get their heads around the fact that it’s quite normal for women to work nowadays and to have actual careers. Whether it’s out of jealousy or whatever, they seem to think we shouldn’t be “stepping out of line”. Maybe they see it as us rejecting their life choices.

I think you just have to write them off and not factor them into your decisions or lives.

OP I didn’t think you were entitled at all. You were clear in your OP that they asked you to move closer with the intention of providing childcare! I’m glad you’re happy where you are and don’t need to relocate or anything.

They didn’t actually offer anything, you just assumed. They have their lives, best just get on with yours. No one has to be a childminder or do anything else.🤷‍♀️

I'm a granny to two grandchildren, for context here. Quite frankly your mother sounds ghastly. But I also wonder if her judgemental attitude around your corporate jobs actually stems from jealousy and fear about her own situation.
Once you get into your mid-sixties hard decisions have to be made about where you want to live and what size of house and area you want to live in. However all those decisions about mortgages, finances etc - too late - that ship sailed much earlier on for them. To be lumbered with a mortgage at their age must be worrying, particularly knowing that they can't actually refurbish their house to a decent standard in order to sell it. Therefore your mum and dad have no choices and little agency in the matter. I think your mum is actually jealous of you - she sees your life and your financial security and realises where she's gone wrong!!!!!

Is your sister similarly high achieving to you? What is she like? Apart from the fact that she's deemed worthy by your mum of having childcare which your mum has denied you!

You sound lovely and I'm sorry that you were misled by your parents. Thankfully you do like it where you live, so that's a plus for you. We did it the other way round, and moved to be near our daughter, at her request - but I guess it was easier for us as she's an only child. We count it as our joy to look after our oldest grandchild (the other is a baby still) - we had him two days a week until school age - and he has his own room at our house for sleepovers too.

Becoming a granny doesn't automatically make you a loving and giving person - you've either always been that way, putting others before yourself to a certain extent - or you're not. Sadly you mum's the latter for you. Try and create a bit of distance from them for your own mental well-being. Think of your half-full glass -your lovely husband, children and job. Try and rise above the parental side.

OP said her mum was a SAHM until OP was 10 and had lots of childcare from grandparents even though she wasn't working. She's now working part time and never helps her DD with childcare.