Relocated for parents and they are MIA.

[Hereformysanity]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm new to this so I'm very sorry in advance if I haven't got the lingo right! Hopefully it makes sense.

So long story short. 5 years ago my DH and I relocated to be closer to my parents after having our DD after they guilty tripped us about being too far away for them to spend time with her and get to know her. We were 2 hours away. We were looking to move anyway but had quite an open net just needed to be near to wither London or Manchester for work (we both work in corporate jobs which my mum in particular is very dismissive of as not a real job as you are just sat all day) but we were persuaded by my parents and in hindsight their passive aggressive attitude about us wanting to live elsewhere they were vocal and I quote 'it would be very selfish of us and stupid to give up grandparent help) but admittedly we liked the idea of grandparent help occasionally and didn't have in laws as they are overseas so any help was great.

So with that we moved closer to parents and brother and sister. 20 minutes away. My brother doesn't have kids but my sister has kids same age as mine and they live ten minutes closer to my parents.

Fast forward five years we now have DD and DS. I struggled with getting used to two DH was away a lot with work and I felt very alone and overwhelmed both kids at home. We have had very little help during the five years we have been here from my parents as they are 'too busy'. My parents both work part time to pay for a house that is big and empty and falling to pieces because they are too proud to downsize. I'm sure somewhere on here there will be a thread from my siblings about this matter as it's a real pain to see them moaning and moaning about still working to pay off their mortgage and do up their home when downsizing would be a very easy solution and would leave them much happier. We have concluded they like the stress and having something to moan about.

Anyway due to my parents working they have never once in 5 years offered childcare not a zip. When we moved I enrolled my DD in nursery 4 full days a week as parents never even offered as much as a morning once a week even bought I asked but took great pleasure in telling me how awful it is that I'm putting my child in nursery for someone else to raise.

I love my.job but more than that I have bills to pay but my DM in particular thinks it's selfish of me to work when I have children. (She only started working when my sister was 10 and had been a SAHM to that point with lots of grandparent help) My DD is now in school and has 3 days of after school clubs and DS in nursery 4 days as I have no other options and all I ever hear is tutting and "oh bless them, poor kids, I can't believe you just put them in and leave them all day like that". It's so hard not to lose my mind.

I would love my parents to do a pick up and take them home for tea or have my DS for just a morning to 'get to know him' but they have no interest in offering despite me saying how much I would love that. To add insult to injury they do this for my sister!

It's fine I'm managing it's just I have a lot of resentment that for the sake of keeping the status quo and everyone being pleasant I'm bottling it and it's causing me to harbour resentment which is not healthy and it's bloody hard seeing all these fab grandparents at the school gates or hearing friends talk about how lovely it is there parents have their children a few days a week or some even taking them on holidays!!!!!

The 6 weeks are here and I've had to arrange private childcare all the way apart from 10.days where between DH and myself we've managed to get some A/L to cover but we both work in teams of parents so everyone wants time off and simply you don't always get it. Despite me explaining this to my parents and saying how much it would be really helpful to get help to only have them say oh sorry we are working or are just we are busy but then go on to criticise what I have had to do!!!!! Raaaa
I feel like it comes from a place of bitterness that I lived away for ten years and then came back need help but they withhold as a bit of a ha you can't just come here and now have our help (despite that being exactly what they had said when we were looking at moving).

I just feel completely bashed. I work hard as we all do to give our kids the best start and pay for life which isn't cheap and to have been what felt like guilt tripping and huge promises about getting to know grandkids to get us here but now we are here I can count on one hand, in five years, how often my parents, who are ten miles away, have had the kids without me or husband present. On two hands I can count this and the times they have babysat for us for anniversary's but only once the kids are fast asleep will they come and sit in the house for us so they don't even see the kids. My kids are really easy going too thank god so it's not like they can't cope, my parents are young and active. Am I wrong to expect a bit more and to be sad that there's clearly favouritism towards my sister or just total disregard and possibly a little pleasure in seeing me try and have it all?

Whilst where we live is nice it's not where we would be for any other reason than family, I just feel like my parents made empty promises and they love to paint this image that they are really hands on with all grandkids and it's simply not true and they would not react at all well if I said any of this to them so I haven't forgotten the same of keeping the peace.

Sorry for the whingefest!

I was thinking the same thing. Every time they whinge I'd point out they offer childcare to your sister but not you and you struggle to work out why, so could they enlighten you and park the complaints.

Otherwise if my mum and dad complained every time I saw them I'd tell them every time shall I stop wasting my time visiting then if all you have is croci risk and see what they say.

Time to put you and your family first. Not helpful plus rude and dismissive? No thanks!!

Your only mistake was imputing good motives to them in the first place. Sounds like they just want to passively aggressively undermine you at every turn, and will use whatever excuse is to hand to do it.

Don't live nearby? Make digs about that.

Live nearby and use childcare? Make digs about that.

No doubt if you quit work to provide full time care for your "poor kids" they would make digs about that. You can't win.

Stop trying to please them, and stop thinking they will ever provide help. Live your life to suit you and your DH (and kids), and ignore / shut down their pass agg comments.

Urgh, so many snide digs here from people selectively reading the original post so that they can delight in putting the boot into her for daring to think her parents might help out with childcare every so often after implying they would 🙄. No, grandparents don’t ‘owe’ childcare but most people care about their family and are happy to help out every so often. Also if they don’t offer childcare then they have no right to criticise the alternative childcare that OP has had to organise in place of their family help.

You’re not being at all unreasonable OP.

Same here.

Your parents have been completely unreasonable. Ignore people criticising you or saying you should have got firm offers from parents first - I'm sure they would have said whatever then changed their mind after.

Move away. Go and live somewhere that suits you, DH and children. Your parents are never going to help you, it's wildly unfair, but there we are.

👏👏👏

Your title is misleading. You didn't relocate for your parents at all. You relocated in the hope of childcare. Resentment about their being MIA drips from every line. You say that you could count "on two hands hands" the number of times they have looked after the kids, then say they have done 'not a zip". You are critical throughout your post. They should sell up and downsize so they don't have to work and can be more proactive...but then say they are young grandparents...so why shouldn;t they work if they choose, and after all everyone loves to moan about their job. Think about how you present yourself in your own words...

Six of one half a dozen of the other. Both of you think you know best how the other should run their lives, neither of you respect the others lives and choices, and both think the other should give up work to look after your children. Being more alike in this than youd want to acknowledge, you both thought to have a relationship that would be to your own best advantage, parents to see a lot of their GC without having to do childcare, you to get childcare. I don't think anyone in this scenario should be pointing fingers.

There’s something I don’t understand. You say your parents rarely see your children. Do you rarely see them? If so how can DM be always saying this or always saying that. Do you live in each others pockets or not? It should be possible to arrange life so you are not being subjected to negative comments on a regular basis. Even if you see them occasionally there shouldn’t be that many opportunities for them to say things that upset you. Try to build up your own life without relying on your parents for affirmation. This of course may be easier if you moved away. You can’t make your parents help out with childcare but you can start to feel better about your own choices so that DMs comments don’t hit a nerve so much.

I think l would be looking to move away to where you wanted to be in the first place. Your children sound as if they are still below school age, so that is not a problem. If (when) your parents object, you can tell them that they will be very welcome to come and visit and you will be back from time to time. There are phone calls and if they want to see their grandchildren in between there is FaceTime and the like.

I think you are getting a hard time here OP. Your mother sounds awful, bribing you into moving on the basis that some form of childcare would be provided or at least that they would be open to some grandparent involvement.
This doesn't seem to be the case.
And the worst thing is the criticism of you for using childcare.
Nothing you can do , but I'm afraid it would make me far less likely to provide support to them in their later years.

I can see how you are feeling frustrated but it’s not like you would have had help had you not moved. Isn’t it nicer for your children to be closer to their cousins and see them more? Or visit grandparents at weekends?

OP life is too short to harbour such resentment. Your DC are young. Follow your heart and move to where you and your family will be genuinely happier and dont think twice about this.

Id also suggest counselling to deal with feelings about your relationship with your parents. They sound dreadful but they are obvs still your parents so i understamd gow hard it is to navigate.

The type of poster who races to make the first dickish comment never reads the full post.

You can be on Mumsnet even if child free, it's for everyone, including male counterparts.
But I haven't read properly, you're right!

I recently heard a new phrase (for me) on this site - ‘future faking’ which referred to a partner but it really does sound similar to the job your parents have pulled on you.

Your future does not need to be dictated by this. Work out what you want the next five or so years to look like, not including their wishes, and build towards that. Otherwise it’s a half life built on on the dictate of others.

While I understand the ‘they work too/they didn’t promise’ point of view, the reality is that you were unlikely to have made the decision you did as a family without the idea of that implied backup. That’s not a loving thing for your parents to have done and now they have what they want without having to offer any help, even when it’s obviously needed. And as for the passive aggressive comments on your parenting…well they can just do one.

I wish you well and hope your next family home is someplace that brings support and joy.

I think that FluffMagnet got ot when she ssud that you're being lined up for OAP care.

In your shoes I'd move and not say until the van dropped the furniture off. Kids can relocate easily, even if they're vocal in their objections.

Your parents have made rheir bed and they need to be left to lie in it. Otherwise you'll never have any peace.

Talk to DH and make your future decisions for your own benefit.

I’m with you OP and can’t believe that there are so many on here who are defending your parents.To me they are defending the indefensible.
They help out your sister so they should help out you. Is your sister aware of the situation?. If so, unless she’s totally incapable of doing what your parents do for her she should be suggesting to them that in the interest of family harmony they should be sharing the help they are able to give between the two of you.

OP your parents sounds disorganised & dysfunctional, not given to thinking things through or reflecting on their behaviour.
My guess is they felt a need to have you closer, had they examined the feelings they may have seen that it was to do with wanting you to be available to support them.
But that's not how they operate, instead they said whatever they thought would best incentivise you to do what they wanted.
When it came down to it they didn't want the' burden' of helping with grandchildren any more than they already do and didn't want the hassle of trying to make things fair. So they carried on with the routine they are used to and attacked you over various things in order to crush/humiliate you so that you felt unable to speak up.
They might be acting on impulse and not really aware of deeper motivations, or they maybe calculating & deliberately cruel, I suspect more the former but I dont know them.
Let them reap what they've sowed, just step back & leave them in their own muddle.

If OP moves away and her parents become unwell how should she withstand pressure from them and possibly the sibling to come visit regularly/take part in the caring. They might they to guilt trip her.

So the parents are working, help OP out when they can, albeit not as much as OP wants, enjoying life while they are young enough, have a big house which presumably OP anticipates inheriting, as they pay off the mortgage so that their DC will have a mortgage-free legacy, and don't deserve any consideration as they age. They did their child-raising, working and so on, and are entitled to some freedom. If they refused outright ANY childcare, you might have cause to feel disgruntled.

As the sister is clearly the golden child they won't be wanting to put her to any trouble - that's why they're lining up the OP to do the dirty/donkey work.

I think this happens by default and for the sake of convenience.
So, something in them goes 'right we'll keep this one as the good one and that one will be the bad one'. In other words they decide in advance on a very simple plan so they don't have to think about it in any depth and they can focus on things that benefit them directly. Something like that🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d just mildly call them out for every comment. Just matter of fact eg “if I have bills to pay and you can’t/won’t have them, what do you suggest we do then?”

If your tone is right they can’t complain, but you constantly commenting mildly, might make them think twice before doing it if they get fall back.