Relocated for parents and they are MIA.

[Hereformysanity]

Hi Mumsnet, I'm new to this so I'm very sorry in advance if I haven't got the lingo right! Hopefully it makes sense.

So long story short. 5 years ago my DH and I relocated to be closer to my parents after having our DD after they guilty tripped us about being too far away for them to spend time with her and get to know her. We were 2 hours away. We were looking to move anyway but had quite an open net just needed to be near to wither London or Manchester for work (we both work in corporate jobs which my mum in particular is very dismissive of as not a real job as you are just sat all day) but we were persuaded by my parents and in hindsight their passive aggressive attitude about us wanting to live elsewhere they were vocal and I quote 'it would be very selfish of us and stupid to give up grandparent help) but admittedly we liked the idea of grandparent help occasionally and didn't have in laws as they are overseas so any help was great.

So with that we moved closer to parents and brother and sister. 20 minutes away. My brother doesn't have kids but my sister has kids same age as mine and they live ten minutes closer to my parents.

Fast forward five years we now have DD and DS. I struggled with getting used to two DH was away a lot with work and I felt very alone and overwhelmed both kids at home. We have had very little help during the five years we have been here from my parents as they are 'too busy'. My parents both work part time to pay for a house that is big and empty and falling to pieces because they are too proud to downsize. I'm sure somewhere on here there will be a thread from my siblings about this matter as it's a real pain to see them moaning and moaning about still working to pay off their mortgage and do up their home when downsizing would be a very easy solution and would leave them much happier. We have concluded they like the stress and having something to moan about.

Anyway due to my parents working they have never once in 5 years offered childcare not a zip. When we moved I enrolled my DD in nursery 4 full days a week as parents never even offered as much as a morning once a week even bought I asked but took great pleasure in telling me how awful it is that I'm putting my child in nursery for someone else to raise.

I love my.job but more than that I have bills to pay but my DM in particular thinks it's selfish of me to work when I have children. (She only started working when my sister was 10 and had been a SAHM to that point with lots of grandparent help) My DD is now in school and has 3 days of after school clubs and DS in nursery 4 days as I have no other options and all I ever hear is tutting and "oh bless them, poor kids, I can't believe you just put them in and leave them all day like that". It's so hard not to lose my mind.

I would love my parents to do a pick up and take them home for tea or have my DS for just a morning to 'get to know him' but they have no interest in offering despite me saying how much I would love that. To add insult to injury they do this for my sister!

It's fine I'm managing it's just I have a lot of resentment that for the sake of keeping the status quo and everyone being pleasant I'm bottling it and it's causing me to harbour resentment which is not healthy and it's bloody hard seeing all these fab grandparents at the school gates or hearing friends talk about how lovely it is there parents have their children a few days a week or some even taking them on holidays!!!!!

The 6 weeks are here and I've had to arrange private childcare all the way apart from 10.days where between DH and myself we've managed to get some A/L to cover but we both work in teams of parents so everyone wants time off and simply you don't always get it. Despite me explaining this to my parents and saying how much it would be really helpful to get help to only have them say oh sorry we are working or are just we are busy but then go on to criticise what I have had to do!!!!! Raaaa
I feel like it comes from a place of bitterness that I lived away for ten years and then came back need help but they withhold as a bit of a ha you can't just come here and now have our help (despite that being exactly what they had said when we were looking at moving).

I just feel completely bashed. I work hard as we all do to give our kids the best start and pay for life which isn't cheap and to have been what felt like guilt tripping and huge promises about getting to know grandkids to get us here but now we are here I can count on one hand, in five years, how often my parents, who are ten miles away, have had the kids without me or husband present. On two hands I can count this and the times they have babysat for us for anniversary's but only once the kids are fast asleep will they come and sit in the house for us so they don't even see the kids. My kids are really easy going too thank god so it's not like they can't cope, my parents are young and active. Am I wrong to expect a bit more and to be sad that there's clearly favouritism towards my sister or just total disregard and possibly a little pleasure in seeing me try and have it all?

Whilst where we live is nice it's not where we would be for any other reason than family, I just feel like my parents made empty promises and they love to paint this image that they are really hands on with all grandkids and it's simply not true and they would not react at all well if I said any of this to them so I haven't forgotten the same of keeping the peace.

Sorry for the whingefest!

Oh no, another "boomer" bashing comment 🙄
Please see my response to @OnlyFoolsnMothers
Where is your hard evidence please that how OP's parents are acting is "classic boomer behaviour"?
I'm of the "boomer" demographic, and I don't behave like that.
If you don't have any facts to back up your prejudice then you are trotting out the old ageist terminology which quite frankly is tiresome to put it mildly, and I expected better from people on MN 🤷‍♀️

What is MIA ?

Well if you had stayed where you were living before the situation would have been the same, with your parents unable to offer free childcare.

You moved because you wanted free childcare and are pissed off because you didn’t get it.

The fact that they are still working means they probably don’t have either the energy or inclination to offer childcare , or as you put it, an “opportunity to get to know their grandchild”. As though there aren’t other opportunities for them to get to know them when in the company of their own parents.

Can your husband's parents help?
I'd move near them instead.
Then when yours moan, point out that they had their chance and bailed on you.
Alternatively, if you have noone, unless you are truly settled now, I'd move anyway to your forever home - wherever you'd have gone if not guilted originally.

They have every right to do their own thing and you can't change the dynamic if your sister is Golden Child but you don't appear to be getting much from being local to them all - not even pleasantries or flying visits so fuck 'em.

Oh OP - you weren’t being offered childcare - you were being offered the opportunity to make the children easily available for family occasions without the awkwardness of having to stay over, you were being lined up to do care for them. You were being encouraged to move closer to make their lives easier, not yours.

if this isn’t the area you want to live in, move again. And do it soon before your dcs are older and moving becomes trickier.

OP, sooner or later they will need care and you will take great delight in telling them you're too busy and any suggestions of you paying for carers will, of course, be tutted at because how can mostly female carers leave their kids in someone else's care to come care for them and, naturally, care homes are out of question, as it's unnatural to leave family members in places like this on their own. Bonus points if you persuade them to downsize somewhere near you for convenience, but you become too busy to ever see them.

Selfish people like your parents should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

We moved back to the uk, in part due to cries from parents that they missed us. 5 years on, we see them maybe twice a year and then there's tantrums because the kids don't love them.
In our case I think there were good intentions of being involved and supportive, but they just can't be bothered when it comes down to it. No babysitting at all.
They won't change and you don't have to fit your life around. We're moving again soon.

OP I think your situation is extremely frustrating and I'm sorry you have had some critical responses. I can never understand the attitude 'why should they' when it comes to GP minding kids. Of course they don't have to, no more than anyhow has to visit or phone family. But the decision to not mind them and provide support is really bad minded. It would help you personally, their concern as a parent should be for your happiness, it would help your relationship to have the occasional night away or time off, most importantly it would benefit the child to have that relationship, one to one and independently of parents. They have decided you or your kids are not valuable enough for this and that is incredibly hurtful for you.

If your DH agrees I think move away now. That house and their stubborn attitude will be the source of huge stress in due course.

Another point worth considering is why the difference in treatment with your sisters kids. Are your children more difficult? My DS was a tricky child and I was upset my DF had little interest and started to accept maybe he wasn't that type of GF, then my sister had her first and he adored her, offering overnight stays etc. My DS even noticed it, he asked why GD only liked his cousin. Ds is a teen now and my Dad is in 80s but i honestly still get angry about it sometimes.

I agree, that's the real reason they wanted you on hand, to benefit them.
Back away slowly & dont put yourself out for them, ever!

I'm sure that mothers whose children are in Kindergarten will be delighted that you think that they 'sit on their arse' all day!

It's an acronym that I believe dates from the Vietnam war, it stands for Missing In Action.

Move to make yourself happy or work out what would make you happier.

I have a similar situation and you can’t change your parents, we had a massive bust up when I pointed out their false promises but they so look after my sisters kids. Try to focus on what you can control, if it’s moving again do it. What’s best for your family unit?

So they badgered you into moving on the pretence of getting help but that’s never materialised and they mock your jobs?

Time to move away again if it suits you.

They sound like narcissistic nightmares, with the classic Golden Child/scapegoat triangulation going on. Unfortunately you're the scapegoat, OP. They've manipulated you into moving because using guilt to manipulate you is their default. It doesn't sound like they actually wanted you to move nearer at all. If I was you, I'd move, as this situation won't get any better for you, and could well get much worse once your parents get older and are still struggling with the too-big house. Let your sister look after them. Not your problem. Move away and live somewhere of your choosing and go LC.

@Hereformysanity Move !!!
Honestly it helps with the resentment . ive dealt with this .

Also With my sister from one set of parents . I couldn’t watch it or be part of it. .

Then I was away for years other set wanted me back now we see them less than before .
People want you around for whatever need iit fills in them I really don’t get it.

Do What makes your own family happy.
After all your parents made their own choices you should make yours.

OP your parents sound horrible. My family live abroad and yet they used to take my daughter for the whole summer to their house to help me out (both my parents also work but my dad wfh).

It is classic boomer behaviour to want the upsides of being a grandparent but not to lift a finger in helping.

No it isn't @stressedout1994 . A large proportion of boomers all over the country are giving up their retirement plans in order to provide childcare. Something their own parents didn't have to do.
And most of those not doing regular childcare, are still helping out where they can.

There's not a single person of the baby boomer generation in my circle, that isn't going regular or 'when needed' childcare.

So less of the ageism, please.

They sound awful OP!

Have you ever raised this with them?

I agree with others that moving away could be the answer. Call me petty, but I would have to confront them about their behavior before I left.

Because 1. Parents start to ask for more help because they are struggling to maintain the house but won’t admit it. 2. It’s socially selfish to hold onto large housing stock when there isn’t any for families.
Im not saying I agree with this btw but they are essentially the reasons

If you stop keeping the peace/obeying them etc they will likely do all they can to bring you back into line.
Hold fast & ignore it all, watch them all scramble to try & steady the ship, see who they use as whipping boy when you refuse to be in that role.

Missing In Action. {Usually used on a battlefield}

Do you think that somehow with their wish for you to move closer they believed they would be getting to spend more time with you & your DC - rather than providing care for the DC so that you can work.

Where do your DH's parents live? I'd be very tempted to drop into conversation, that you are considering relocating to there, as it would be wonderful to have some hands on help from the grandparents. Let that sink in. I'd play along for months!

Have you considered moving away?

I'd be miffed too. Your parents said they would support you then haven't done it and are a source of criticism. They will probably expect support when they are older too.

I'd accept your lot. If they moan about you working and using child care be blunt. Say I have to work to pay the bills and I have no other choice for childcare do I?

If you are happy where you are great but if not I'd move to somewhere better suited.

Move away, somewhere you know you'll all love. Don't think of your parents at all. They encouraged you to move closer, but never helped! They'll never help, just do whatever's best for you as a family.