Sil asking inappropriate questions

[banannabreadforme]

My 11yr old son had a sleep over with his cousins at my sil's. The next day she told me, whilst giggling, she'd asked him if he was attracted to boys. I was shocked and she assured me people are more accepting of gay people. My son was only 11 last month and just finishing primary school this week. He will be loved regardless but he's still a child! Am I overreacting being unhappy she's brought this up with him at such a young age, or at all?!

Yes dead creepy. I wouldn’t dream of asking my nieces or nephews or any child (other than my own if in context) such personal unsolicited questions.

I would be asking her why she wants your 11 year old to be talking about sexuality, other than to embarrass and laugh at him.

What a cheeky fxxker embarrassing your son like that.
His sexuality is none of her business.
I would be furious at her thinking it is funny to corner a child when a guest in her home like that.
She is a complete moron and I wouldn't be shy letting her that I think so.

Actually other posters are correct, it's deeply creepy. She needs to be told that too.
I wouldn't want my child around her.
She is unsafe.

but why would a non parent start that conversation with an 11 year old anyway? Sure if the child raises the subject of course.

" no one should be asking a child, or an adult, who they’re attracted to."

A child, I understand, but an adult?

"Even asking just enforces that straight is normal and anything else is other."

"Are you into men or women?" doesn't enforce straight at all (or 'women or men') and is quite a normal question between adult friends. I've seen quite a few gay people drop some hints in the hope that someone will ask the question.

Any adult who embarrasses a child and then thinks that’s funny shouldn’t be around the child again.
I would seriously doubt her sincerity in any conversation about anything.

This^

I hate adults asking children if they've got a girlfriend or boyfriend and I think that asking him if he's gay is weird. Even if he is what has it got to do with her? My Son is in fact gay and I never once asked him if he was, he told me himself when he was ready.

Sorry @banannabreadforme, I have only read your posts as it takes me a long time to type my replies!

My immediate thoughts are that if your DSis was a mature woman - which it doesn't sound like she is so far, with her childish giggling - and if she saw signs that gave strong credence to her wondering if he could be gay (I have no idea what those signs might be at the tender age of 11, as I believe that many children of both sexes probably start to explore everything in connection with themselves and the outside world once their puberty begins to kick in), and if she felt that for some very good reason you - his actual mother - could not cope with, or would not be understanding and loving with your son if he did admit to thinking he was, or might be gay, then there is the possibility that a loving and caring auntie might be in a good position to have that conversation with him before he enters his secondary education.
(I do hope that you have been able to follow what might be the longest sentence ever, as it was even beginning to confuse me!)

However, I think that so far you have shown exactly the right reaction here, and it doesn't seem to me that your DSis's question to your DS was at all appropriate. I am sure that you will have already told your DS that if anything about his life ever worries him then he should come and speak to you about it, even if it makes him feel embarrassed or awkward, or even if he thinks he has done something wrong or bad. In such a scenario I am sure that you would reassure him that nothing he ever does, or tells you about, would make you love him any less.

Good luck OP with how you handle this potentially tricky situation with your DS going forward.

The whole thing sounds bizarre

Quite a lot of children of this age DO know whether they are straight, gay or bi. (Others haven't started to become attracted to anybody yet - both are equally fine and normal).

So it's not a shameful or weird thing if the child brings it up, and it's fine to speak openly about it in my opinion.

To put your son on the spot about it, and to be giggling about it while telling you she had done so, does indeed seem weird.

I just don't understand the context. You went to pick your son up, and your SIL told you she had asked him if he fancied boys, and started laughing. And when you queried it, her defence was that people don't judge anyone for being gay now?
As if that would be your primary objection?

It's fucking weird! Does she have form for being a bit mental?

Weird, very weird.

Did you ask her why she asked him that?

Are you seriously asking why an aunt would ask her nephew if he has a crush on anyone at school? Isn’t this standard family banter?

Sorry @banannabreadforme I had forgotten she was your SiL not your DSis, but I don't think that that changes much of what I said, except I think it was even more inappropriate for her to question him. If she was genuinely concerned - which seems unlikely at the moment - then her first port of call should have been her husband, and if he was genuinely concerned then he should have talked to you about it, hopefully without giggling. 💐

umm no. especially not if you are alone with the child

She was being a bit of a cow. Bet she'd be up in arms if you did that to one of her kids. Totally inappropriate.

If that’s the case, then I’d not want her anywhere near him at such an impressionable age. Embarrassing him in this way is bad enough, but then laughing at him ? Doesn’t send a good message does it ?

Not in our family, unless the child brings it up first.

Obviously she thinks - for whatever reason - that son is/might be gay. And the bitch decided to raise it with him. I'd be fuming OP.

And I say that as a mum to one confirmed gay child and one who I think is also most likely gay. Similar age to your DS too. I'd be so angry if anyone in my family said this to him. To be honest, I don't think he realizes himself yet - he's not particularly mature for his age. Physically or emotionally. Plus, it's no one's business.

Yes she’s clearly been saying that, addressing it with an 11 year old is heinous. And she found it funny I’d go no contact and make it very very clear why, there is not one person in our wider family not know what she was asking this child. And then I’d cut all contact with the stupid bitch

But there are those creepy ass people who ask kids from toddler upwards if they have a "girlfriend " and call boy girl friendships at 5 years old, their "boyfriend " it happens all the time and maybe she was just saying it's ok if is same sex?
The giggle might be because she suspects you are uptight about it?

either way, as you say its creepy ass and not acceptable.

I was 11 when I realised I was attracted to other females, and over 30 years later I still am (it wasn’t a phase). I felt no need whatsoever to discuss that with my uncles and aunts, but it would have been nice to have felt I could discuss it with my parents (I didn’t).

It sounds like your SIL was being obnoxious and nosy in asking him, but given that she’s brought it up, now might be a good moment to throw in a calm passing comment to him letting him know that SIL was out of order, but of course you will love your children whether they want to bring home a girlfriend or a boyfriend later when they are teenagers. Whatever his sexuality turns out to be, that’s probably a good thing for him to know. And if he is gay, you could be saving him years of anguish.

I’d been tempted to show her this thread and then change your user name so she can see that everyone thinks she’s a dick.

Nail on head.

Talking openly about sexual orientation with 11yo is appropriate and wise.

told me, whilst giggling, she'd asked him if he was attracted to boy
This is nasty and shame-inducing