To want my glasses back?

[FlexibleFi]

More of a WWYD than an AIBU.

I went to a wedding June. I and three other friends from university days (14 years since we graduated) were invited and booked an AirBnB for a long weekend. We don't see a lot of each other but we have a WA group and message every few weeks. It was a lovely opportunity to catch up.

After years of being really hard up, I had a significant job change this year and for the first time splashed out on a few special things — including a rather fancy pair of designer glasses instead of Specsavers basics. The glasses are for reading and computer work, I don't need them for ordinary things. They're quite a mild prescription. All three friends at the AirBnB tried my posh spex on. One, I'll call her Rachel, commented that we must have the same prescription because she could read perfectly with them. She joshed me for spending so much money on them. A couple of times over the weekend, when I'd left them sitting by my phone or book, she'd borrow them to read something without asking.

We had a great busy and boozy weekend and when I got home I couldn't find my glasses anywhere, so I messaged the group to ask if anyone had picked them up accidentally. All said no. I messaged the AirBnB owner to ask if they'd been left there. No. Searched the car, searched everywhere. No sign of them. I'm not someone who often loses things.

Then this Sunday Joanne, one of the others in the wedding group sent a screenshot from FB of Rachel reading a menu in a restaurant while wearing a pair of glasses that look just like mine. Joanne commented 'Well now we know where Fi's glasses went, LOL' on FB. By the time I managed to get onto FB (ancient account I rarely check) the image had gone — but I had the screenshot.

I messaged Rachel, sent her the screenshot and said it looked as if she'd found my glasses, could she post them back to me please. She's replied saying they're her glasses: she liked them so much that she's bought a pair exactly like mine. I don't believe it and neither does Joanne. Rachel's recently split from her long-term partner and she talked a lot while we were away of how difficult she's finding things financially at the moment.

They were £300. I could claim on travel insurance (I have annual travel insurance) or on my household contents, but then I'll have to pay more for premiums for the next few years.

Joanne has said she'll get involved if necessary but I don't want to ruin memories of a lovely weekend. I can't immediately afford to replace the spex with the same (I have a holiday booked and that will eat up my budget for the next month or two) so I'll have to order a pair of cheap prescription readers on the internet. WWYD?

If Rachael asked for the picture to be taken down it’s crystal clear that she was wearing your glasses and wanted to erase the evidence.

What a loser.

A family member once stole an ornament from me which had sentimental value. I saw it in their home and I commented I have the same one only to find mine missing from my home! It was a one off piece not mass produced. When I asked them where they got it I was told was it was bought from a shop and knew it was a lie.

Once the trust is gone it's gone! There is no future in this friendship. I'm sorry it happened to you. No matter what Rachel is going through, there is no justification for stealing.

The picture was removed from FB this is a huge red flag.

Your friend stole from you. She will steal again.

Agree but research kleptomanic. It's absolutely no excuse but at least with my connection I believe it's this mental illness, even worthless stuff went missing, just saying.

Do opticians mark the frames with a code at all, say Specsavers use one code, different opticians use another code?

I'd agree re kleptomaniac, I don't think this person is. They just sound like bad person ☹️

I couldn’t stay friends with someone who had stolen from me. She’ll probably act offended that you’ve asked for the receipt and claim that she doesn’t need to show anyone it, and then that she’s paid cash and lost it etc.

I've got a horrible feeling that reporting Rachel to the police could blow the friendship group apart and make me look like a complete shit!

as a PP has said, it's thieving Rachel that is the shitty one - do you really want a thief in the midst of your friendship group?

If you have the prescription, look online to replace them - I have a fabulous pair of Fendi glasses that I paid about £25 for - I had to buy a spare pair (£5 I think) to take it over £30 to get free postage.

Out of curiosity how did she react when you told the group your glasses were lost? I think that’s also very telling…

Did she say ‘that’s such a shame! I’m really sorry to hear that.’ Which is what you’d expect when she had made clear she liked them.

Or ‘last time I saw them was X,Y, Z.’ Which is also what you would expect when she weirdly kept picking them up and using them.

Or did she say nothing… which is pretty suspicious.

Years ago I had this with a friend and a cheap item. We were meeting down the high street and she was late. I popped in a shop and saw a nice cardigan on sale for only £15. She turned up as I was trying it on and immediately wanted one too. The only other was a much larger size.
Later when we left the coffee shop my bag was gone. She’d ’accidentally’ picked it up. I asked for it around ten times, always an excuse. Never got it back.
I gave up seeing her

That sounds very mature, and I'd follow Joanne's lead. And I'd go the insurance route if you don't get any joy. Don't call the police. Can you imagine the horror if she actually has bought them and manages to produce a receipt?

Yup. There's a very real (if small) chance she's telling the truth. I was convinced a friend of a friend of mine had it away with a pair of my brand new shoes when she'd been in my house for a short time and nipped up to the loo and seemed to be a long time.
When I went to wear these shoes I couldn't find them. Following week we were out with same friends and the woman had my shoes on. I was furious.
To disingenuously call her out I said her shoes were lovely and could I try them on while she was dancing. I did. They were a 6 and mine were 5. Way too big for me. I could have absolutely sworn she'd nicked mine. So glad I didn't accuse her. What happened to my shoes? No idea. Left them in the shop, on the bus, at the bus stop. Who knows? I'd bought other stuff that day so it's possible.

I really couldn't be friends with someone that had stolen from me. I had a "friend" at school that thought it would be funny to take some of my stationary and hide it from me. When I realised and tried to retrieve it, it had disappeared. Couldn't be replaced as it had come from a different country so not available in the UK. I am quite black and white so that was the end of that friendship even though she apologised.

Could she have taken them back to the shop and exchanged them for her size?

Of course you could try going down this route. It might work.

But what often happens is that you push people into a corner and make it much harder for them to admit they've done something really shitty.

It depends what the goal is really. Do you want to force the person to confess (very hard) or do you just want your stuff back (still hard but more possible)?

Let's say we opt for your tactic. She says "sure, I'll contact the optician" - and then there's radio silence. So you chase her, she might not reply. You chase again. She says she hasn't gotten round to it because she's "busy" but will definitely do it. She strangely can't seem to find it on her payment history - or maybe she's been locked out of that account. And so it continues. You push harder - inevitably there's some kind of big event/tragedy that means it's completely impossible to do it right away because "there's more important things than a receipt, Jesus!!" At that point you can go to the police - but the OP doesn't want to do that. So that means the only option is to keep going at the person to get proof that is probably non-existent. By now, there's absolutely no chance she will want to admit that she's lying because she's dug herself into a big hole. She might just block you, or maybe ignore your messages. If you get a reply, it will inevitably be more tales of woe with her gaslighting you about your impatient need for the receipt which is TOTALLY unreasonable of you anyway....

I'm not necessarily saying it absolutely will go that way, but it's fairly common for things to unfold like this. I've dealt with thousands of cases over the years. Literally thousands. Almost always the softly, softly approach works better.

Going in hard and uncompromising might work, I'm not saying it absolutely won't. But the ability of some people to ignore, defer, or dig their heels in is amazing - and in the meantime, you're getting more and more fucked off because it's clearly nonsense but they're denying it. And you still don't have your items.....

I would always try the softly softly approach first. The reason being is that if it fails, you can always fall back on going in hard afterwards.

Tell her she has one chance to return them or produce proof of purchase. You’ve spoken to the insurance and they want a crime number as they were stolen from the accommodation. If you have to go to the police you will be giving them accurate account of what you think happened this could mean they come to see her. If she has receipt you won’t need to tell police your suspicions about her but merely report them stolen and say no idea what happened.

Also, I think I would report it to police if she doesn’t produce proof of purchase. Why not? It’s still £300 theft.

Wow some people! Did she give you the money for it? It's so unbelievably rude its almost worse than stealing in that she acknowledged she 'accidently' picked it up and then refused to return it! A friendship lost over a cardigan that she probably wore a few times.

You know what? Grow a pair OP. Seriously get a grip and know YOUR worth.

she has stolen something you paid for. I don’t care if it is a car, a painting or a pair of designer glasses she had taken what you worked and saved hard for. And even if you were totally rolling in cash, bottom line - she STILL DOES NOT GET TO STEAL FROM YOU. Are you hearing me!? I am teaching my 6 year old to STAND UP FOR HERSELF because no one else will. She needs to know her worth. As do you

auou need to tackle this head on, a police report.

My designer glasses from specsaver have my name embossed into the plastic behind the ear on the arm.
Both pairs I have had have had this on them. Could you ask her to look for you.

Your glasses are long gone, OP. And the Police aren't going to be remotely interested. Just claim them as lost on your house insurance or replace them.

And your so called friends have shown their true colours here. Only a fool would ignore that.

I second asking the others if they’d be prepared to forget £300 in cash taken out of their bags. Puts it into perspective a bit.

Well, yes, the friend would just take those frames into the opticians and ask them to fit them with lenses for her 'current' prescription.

OP - I agree with others, you should deffo go to the police. Or, at the very least, tell this 'friend' that you intend to go to police.

And none of this: 'She's poor, I should cut her some slack'. Nooo... What she is, is a thief (possibly!) and should be treated as such. Let us know what happens.

I agree, who keeps receipts, but also very unlikely to have paid in cash. She should have £300 coming out from an opticians in recent weeks.

I really think being blunt in these situation is best. Just a, “Look, we know you took them, you didn’t buy another pair. This really wouldn’t be a big deal if you just sent them back. The lying is a real issue and is going to make things very difficult to move on from, whereas if you just return them then we can draw a line under it.”

If she can’t produce a receipt it would be the end of the friendship for me. I couldn’t wrap my head around a friend stooping so low as to steal and lie about something special to me.

Yes! This... mine have my surname in the plastic, on the outside behind the left ear. Its one of the ways opticians ensure the right person gets the right order. My sisters are the same (mine aren't designer, hers are, not sure hers are specsavers though).